how do you support a grieving/hurting spouse?

[Cindy B]

I've never been in this position before, so I need to ask the all knowledgable DIS for some help.

As most of you know my MIL was diagnosed with lung cancer while we were on vacation, and she has blood clots in her lungs.
Due to the clots, they can't operate, but will do aggressive chemo to attempt to treat it. Basically if the clots dont travel and dissolve, they can attempt to operate. If the clots move at all (and the one in her leg has!), it is a vey dicey situation.

She is 73 years old, and some treatment options are not available for her.

Now, my question is.. how do I support my husband?
I've never gone through this(my parents are young!), and
I don't know how to support my DH.

I tried holding him, and he pushed me away.. and although that hurt, I understood where he was coming from. My DH is the youngest of the five siblings, and its a challenge for all five of them on different levels.

What can you tell me as a spouse what to do?

 

[browneyes]

Give him the space he needs, and when he needs you, just be there for him.

 

[CEDmom]

I agree with Browneyes. Unfortunately I've had a lot of experience with my DH and grief (he's lost several close relatives since we've been married). Men are very task oriented. Right now your DH is channeling all his energy on the task of getting his mother well he cannot focus beyond that. Is there something you can do for his mother to make her more comfortable or bring her a little happiness? That would mean a lot to your husband. Are there things your husband does (chores etc) that you could do to free up more of his time? You could also try little things like making his favorite dinner.

I'm sending prayers and pixie dust.

Kate

 

[poohandwendy]

Ditto what Browneyes said...and also, don't expect him to handle this the way you 'think' you would. Expect that he will go through a myriad of emotions, on his own timetable and in his own way. (try no to take it personally) Grief is a very individual. I am so sorry to hear about you MIL, that is so sad. You should also recognize that this is affecting YOU as well.

 

[Robinrs]

Cindy:

First please accept my sincere apology because I had no idea you were going through this. You've always been one of my favorites and I feel like I've missed something so important and didn't get a chance to pray or console you.

Death and dying are very different and so are men and women. We don't react the same way as they do so don't expect the same things that will make you feel better will work for him. Right now I can only guess that he feels somewhat useless because he can't make this thing right for his Mom. Men are inately protective and when they cannot protect someone they have a tendency to become angry. Let him brood, give him his space, watch him (sometimes a substance is turned to in place of crying) and realize that his pain is just as alien to him as it is to you.

Hang in there, this is NOT easy but be his shoulder when HE chooses to use it. Listen intently to what he's not saying, and God bless you all.

Robinrs

 

[Cindy B]

Thanks for all your help.. and great advice.

It is hard to see him hurting, and it is a challenge. I appreciate your direct response about watching him as well..

I am grateful that he isn't afraid to show his emotions.

 

[Mishetta]

Sounds like the classic "retreated to his cave" syndrome. (Got that from Men are from Mars....)

As Browneyes suggested, just give him his space. He'll let you know when he'll need you.

Sending good energy your way!

Rose

 

[nativetxn]

All you can do is be there for him. You will have to be passively supportive. He is probably still trying to accept the reality of this situation. It's a difficult thing to accept. Once he comes to terms with the seriousness of the situation then he will need comforting. He will likely feel angry before he feels sad. Everyone grieves in a different way. While his mother is still living he may not grieve.

My husband had a sister who died suddenly. I found by talking to him about <i>my</i> feelings of disbelief and sorrow seemed to make him feel more comfortable talking about <i>his</i> feelings.

Give your husband the room to come to terms with this, when he needs you he will reach out to you. Just be sure and be there when he does.

{{{HUGS}}}, it is so difficult to see our loved ones in pain like this especially when we are in pain ourselves.

Katholyn

 

[Dan Murphy]

I think Robin says it well, Cindy. So often men want to be in the role of protector, fixer, make it 'weller'. And if not, feel not in control of the situation. Be there for if, and when, he reaches out.

Again, my best and prayers are with his mom, him and all of you, Cindy. {{Hugs}}

 

[rae519]

Be an active LISTENER.

Rae

 

[snoopy]

Cindy, I am so sorry to hear this sad news. Like Robin, I was unaware of your MIL's illness.

When my husband's mother passed away suddenly as a result of a car accident this past July, I had a lot of the same frustrations that you have. Its hard when the person is stoic, which it sounds like your husband is. So is mine. I just allow him to grieve in his own way and let him know that I am here for him if he wants to talk. I also encouraged him to take a trip by himself (DH tends to be an introspective person, as opposed to me who leans on others). He took a weekend where it was just him & his Harley and the open road. Although we didn't discuss it, I can tell it did him a world of good.

I'll keep your family in my prayers, Cindy.

 

[disney6]

I agree with Rae, be a good LISTENER!!!! Don't try to give him advice or tell him what to do or that it will get better. If he never seems to need to talk -- don't take it personal!!!!!

 

[Pop Daddy]

I know when Im hurting, people that hurt with me allways help