how do u invite someone over without them

[HOGFAN]

bringing along someone u cant stand but lives with them? Dear BIL lives with in-laws. DH and I cant stand him because he is a bum. We would like to have in-laws over for dinner once in awhile but dont want him to come. I cant figure out a way to do it without it being awkward..any tips?

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

There is no way to do this and have it not be awkward for someone.

You are either going to have to tell the in-laws BIL can't come over (making it awkward for the in-laws and BIL), Deal with BIL coming over with the in-laws (making it awkward for you) or never invite the in-laws over for anything (making it awkward for everyone).

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

Ditto what the last poster said.

I think it would probably be best for your dh to talk to them and let him handle it. You could try "Bil gets you all to himself and we would like to spend some time with just you" or something like that. I think once you get past the initial invite it will get easier. You may have to invite bil over occasionally to keep the peace.

 

[Cindy's Mom]

How old is the BIL? If he is a grown man.......then I say too flippin bad for him.

I'd invite my IL's over for dinner any time I'd feel like it and not have to worry about this person's feelings.

If you and DH don't like him, then why invite him to your home? Because of this guy - you can't see your in-laws....CRAZY!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

bringing along someone u cant stand but lives with them? Dear BIL lives with in-laws. DH and I cant stand him because he is a bum. We would like to have in-laws over for dinner once in awhile but dont want him to come. I cant figure out a way to do it without it being awkward..any tips?

Is this for Christmas?

 

[HOGFAN]

nope not for christmas..and DH would die before he lets his brother come over. BIL is a grown man. I go over to the in-laws all the time. Most of the time BIL is in the bed anyway. If he is not I make it a point to be cordial. If DH needs to talk to his parents he calls them over to our house(they live next door). Its just that several times this summer we would have liked to invite them over for steaks, bbq, etc. but we knew they would either bring him or not come if we omitted him.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I don't see any problem with, occasionally, making plans with just one's parents, or even just one's mom, dad, brother....

If the three of these are so dysfunctional that that they just can only come as a package, then that is the issue.

I don't think that it would go over to have a blanket exclusion of BIL.... never want to even see him. Family occasions, such as family getting together for Christmas, should be considered as 'family occasions'.

I would be looking for occasions, such as, as a gift to my parents, taking them out for a special holiday brunch... Their specific birthdays.... etc...
Things that would qualify as special gifts/actions for the parents might be good opportunities.
Also, if BIL has any kind of a life, whatsoever... look for occasions when you know he will not be available.

How do the parents feel about the issue.
That really dictates how to handle it.

If they are normal and reasonable enough to want to spend time with both of their children, then okay.

If they have some co-dependent dysfunctional thing going on with BIL, and would never do anything at all without him... yes, that would hurt... but that would be their decision.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Is your BIL struggling with something? Depression? Addiction? Is he abusive to your in-laws? Just wondering why your husband hates him so much.

I don't think there is a way unless BIL knows DH hates him and then since it's out in the open, why not invite them and tell them BIL isn't welcome? It's their choice to accept or not.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Okay, so you live next door.....

Sorry, but it would just not be appropriate to do something like that with BIL looking on from next door.

Any real deal with your husband's parents alone (other than just dropping by, etc) would probably have to involve taking them somewhere.

You choose to live next door...
You have to accept all that goes along with that.

PS: I know you want to vent and call BIL lots of things like 'loser', 'mooch', etc...
But, seriously, from your last post, it seems obvious that he must have some heavy physical/psychological issues that should be addressed.
I know that this might result in negative feelings... but the kind of exclusion and hatred that I am getting here????

 

[HOGFAN]

father in law wouldnt care if BIL came or not. He is not too crazy about BIL either.
MIL would take issue with it. would probably refuse to come. BIL is the 'golden' child. Altho he neglected his children when they were growing up, is a drunk, makes one bad decision after another, and owes EVERYBODY in the family thousands and thousands of dollars. He is not welcome in our home since a couple of years ago he called me the B word in our house. I dont remember the particulars but DH does. My memory is shot due to medication and DH wont recount to me what happened, he says it upset me terribly. Just that he thought he would have to punch BIL. Glad I cant remember.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Then that is HER choice... so be it.

You can't control another person's attitudes and actions.
Only your own (the way you react and handle it)

Trying to invite them over for a BBQ, right next door to BIL... probably not an appropriate way to handle it.

PS: this should all be up to your DH... it is his family.

 

[Scurvy]

father in law wouldnt care if BIL came or not. He is not too crazy about BIL either.
MIL would take issue with it. would probably refuse to come. BIL is the 'golden' child. Altho he neglected his children when they were growing up, is a drunk, makes one bad decision after another, and owes EVERYBODY in the family thousands and thousands of dollars. He is not welcome in our home since a couple of years ago he called me the B word in our house. I dont remember the particulars but DH does. My memory is shot due to medication and DH wont recount to me what happened, he says it upset me terribly. Just that he thought he would have to punch BIL. Glad I cant remember.

There's no reason you can't invite just your mother-in-law and father-in-law. It wouldn't be rude. Even though their son lives with them, he's not part of their social unit. In theory, you ought to be able to call up your Father-in-law and ask if he and your mother-in-law would like to join you for dinner. Most people would understand that the only people who are invited are the ones you mentioned, and they wouldn't bring an extra person along. With most people, it wouldn't be awkward at all. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like that would work for you. They sound like the sort of people who would assume he's invited, or would intentionally bring him even though they know you don't want him there just to make a point. And telling them he isn't included obviously wouldn't work either, even it wouldn't be at all rude if you explained that the invitation was just for them and not for their son. So you can invite them, but you can't make them come if they aren't willing to go places without him.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

nope not for christmas..and DH would die before he lets his brother come over. BIL is a grown man. I go over to the in-laws all the time. Most of the time BIL is in the bed anyway. If he is not I make it a point to be cordial. If DH needs to talk to his parents he calls them over to our house(they live next door). Its just that several times this summer we would have liked to invite them over for steaks, bbq, etc. but we knew they would either bring him or not come if we omitted him.

Well if you know that the parents won't respect your wishes then you cannot invite them without the brother.

Also I agree with PP. You need to step back from this. In fact I would no longer go over to their house. That might change the dynamics a bit.
They had no need to come over if you go over there.

Now I am not really into game playing but I also would support my dh and follow his lead.

 

[C.Ann]

Now I am not really into game playing but I also would support my dh and follow his lead.

Tough situation, but I guess I would say this is the best advice..