How Do I Tell My B-friend...

[livie1205]

that I am worried about her new grand son?I will try to make this short...her oldest daughter got pregnant(18) and married her first boyfriend (she has the mind of a 13 year old) she is very inmature and so is he,drop out,they live with them and pay no rent or help out around the house and she stillhas one more year of high school! the problem is she had the baby a week ago and they dont really try to take care of the baby...they let everyone else do it,even at the hospital the nurses were feeding and changing the baby,I have yet to see either one hold the baby or change a diaper..even at the hospital when I was holding the baby i hinted to the dad "hey doesnt dad want to feed him?" he said no...should I just keep my mouth shut?

 

[TheDizMom]

Unfortunately yes. You have to give them more time and maybe they'll turn it around or your friend will realize what's going on and do something. I totally get why you are worried and feel something should be done, but I think you may regret having stuck your nose in where it may not be wanted. I would only say something if you are seriously concerned that the baby is in physical danger. If he is living in his grandparents home and is getting care,albeit not from his parents, then I think for now you just sit back and wait. I hope for the baby's sake they turn it around and begin to take care of him, and that right now they are just overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. With any luck they'll begin to see what needs to be done and start trying to do it themselves. It is unfortunate that they are this way and it sounds like this baby would have been better off being adopted, at least at this point, but those parental feelings may start to exert themselves and after a few months things will get better. If not, hopefully your friend will step in and wake them up to their responsibilities. On the other hand should she ask you what you think about the situation tell her honestly that you think this baby needs more from his parents then he's getting. I guess this is why teenagers shouldn't be having kids. Their own brains just aren't fully developed enough to make the right decisions for themselves, much less a baby. There are so many teenagers who do step up to the plate and are great parents so I don't want to generalize, but unfortunately way to often that is not the case.

 

[CEDmom]

As long as the baby is being well cared for I'm not sure what you'd say to her that she doesn't already know. I'm sure she sees that her DD and SIL aren't doing anything.

 

[lulugirl]

I agree w/ the previous posters, MYOB.

 

[Microcell]

Okay, getting ready to vent here so sorry about that!

I have never liked my best friend's husband. I didn't like him from the day I met him, and saw him hit on a bartender at my other best friend's wedding. My DH saw it too and reminded me they had only been dating 6 weeks and unless I wanted to lose a friend I should keep out.

Fast forward to my best friend working her fourth year in a hot, sweaty factory and her fiance (same guy) telling her when he got out of college she could quit.

Fast forward to their marriage, he dropped out of college to start his own business, where he does not get paid on any kind of consistant basis, she works at a factory and hates it. Also, because they have to file an extension of taxes on said not profitable business, her company dropped husband and the DD from the insurance until they see proof taxes were paid!

Now they have a 3 year old dd and she drives the DD to her parents house going a half an hour out of her way to the job at, you guessed it, the factory. At least she has seniority after 15 years on the job. He would only have to drive 15 minutes to take DD to her parents, her total commute is 1 and 1/2 hours every day from her parents house. The DD has to get out of bed at 430 AM so my friend can get to work on time. Her husband rolls out of bed at 7 or 8 whatever he feels like.

We talk every weekend and he is almost always "golfing with the buddies" and gets drunk so he just crashes at a "friend's" house. I am 95% sure he is cheating on her and I don't say a blessed thing. It kills me!!!!

I don't say anything, because it is true, you can very likely lose your friend, and she may need you when things go really bad. My friend has told me time and time again about people she does not see because they were "disrespectful" about her husband. I need to be there for her, so I keep my mouth shut.

 

[Hannathy]

Yes you should keep your mouth shut, unless you saw obvious abuse to the child. I am wondering what you are basing this on Just what you saw at the hospital? or have you been to the home and have seen them not taking care of the baby? People can be very different at the hospital than at home. He may have been uncomfortable in that situation and do just fine at home. She has enough on her plate with out a butting in friend.

 

[livie1205]

well i am basing it on the fact that I saw it for myself and she is calling me telling me these kids have no clue....and she is the one that said they have yet to change a diaper...she is very worried (she has to go back to work,she has 2 other kids to raise 11&12)I told her i would drive by and check on them if she wanted me to.The thing is not because they are teenagers it is because her daughter is so inmature still.I am just not sure how to help her besides just listen...i went and got them some baby clothes and gave them my dd2 crib and changing table (got her a big girl bed)but I am worried they are going to run my bfriend into the ground..i love her dearly and have known her all my life almost....I am not going to say anything unless she asks me..even though she does not hold a grudge..I will just help her is she needs anything...

 

[mnasmom3]

I am not going to say anything unless she asks me..even though she does not hold a grudge..I will just help her is she needs anything...

I think this is a good plan. You wouldn't be telling her anything she doesn't already know. You're a great friend.

 

[LisaZoe]

well i am basing it on the fact that I saw it for myself and she is calling me telling me these kids have no clue....and she is the one that said they have yet to change a diaper...she is very worried

....I am not going to say anything unless she asks me..even though she does not hold a grudge..I will just help her is she needs anything...

It sounds like your friend already sees a problem so pointing it out to her may just antagonize her. It sounds like she and others are making it too easy for the parents to not do anything for the baby. She may need to show some "tough love" and make the parents take care of the baby now so she'll know they can do it when she's gone back to work. She should also give the baby's dad a deadline for getting a job and for mom to get back in school. It's not going to be easy when the baby is involved but it sounds like both of these teen parents need a kick in the b*tt before they'll do anything.

You never know, the kids could be feeling insecure that they will do things "wrong" for the baby so they let others do it instead. I was almost 40 when I adopted DD and I was very nervous about everything. I imagine as teens they are overwhelmed with the idea of this baby depending on them so it might be too easy for them to just let others take over so they don't have to worry about making a mistake. KWIM?

 

[livie1205]

you are most likely right...maybe since she hid the first part of the pregnancy she has not bonded with the baby...i hope that is all it is....my sweet friend already said how they plan to go to wdw in dec and leave the baby with her for the week..they dont even have money or a car and they want to go to wdw?oh well i am done venting...I will just be there for my friend when she needs me.

 

[java]

Immature at 17? Imagine that. I think it is probably a very common situation in teen pregnancies. The parents are really ill prepared at this point and there are plenty of people willing to step in and take over. I think it is more of the not being a reality for them yet. But guess what? It will be soon. I sure hope by now they have changed a diaper. And you may be surprised at how quickly they mature.
I would keep my mouth shut. Just be supportive to your friend and offer her a place to get away from it all.