How do I overcome this?

[Maleficent13]

I have a problem. I don't like being condescended to. I don't like being dismissed because I don't have age/experience/spouse/children. This is happening to me on a regular basis by my SO's family. They like me, and I like them. But recently I've been getting the little pats on the head a bit too often.

To me, it feels disrespectful. It's getting to the point where I will refuse to do something, even if I want to do it, just because they want me to. I'm upset all the time with them. I don't know how to handle it, because they aren't being unkind to me. On the contrary, they are very nice.

I started a thread the other day asking how to handle the fact that my SO tells them everything. I am withholding info from my SO just because I don't want his parents to know. I feel mean and spiteful.

I know it's got to be a problem with me. So how do I just learn to turn the other cheek and not let it get to me?

 

[Pongo69]

Have you thought about telling them how you feel. Sometimes people do things in all innocence without knowing their actions are causing problems.

AS far as your SO telling everything, you should really tell him your feelings and what is said between you two should stay between you.

Goodluck

 

[EsmeraldaX]

If your SO is continually passing along info to others that you tell him not to, than, I know that this sounds harsh, but you need to seriously reconsider whether you want to be with him or not.

Communication and trust are the two most important things in a relationship.

And I agree with Pongo69....just tell the the truth. They might not even be aware that they are doing it.

 

[shortbun]

I agree that your SO must have some boundaries with his
family. It's not healthy to reveal all. If he refuses, consider
finding another SO. sorry.

Also, telling these boundaryless people might not work. Find
some practice self help stuff that gives you the "when you_________, I feel ________. " If you keep the focus on
you and not them, it will help too. Hold back from your SO
for now, he's not trustworthy. again, sorry.

 

[chrissyk]

It sounds like your SO needs to have boundaries with his family of origin. If he doesn't, it can cause a lot of problems in his life (and in your life if you stay with him).

We have had to cut ties to my DH's family because they don't respect his boundaries. They are very nice people. I do love them, honestly, and they have never been unkind to me. However, when people don't respect you, you have to stick up for yourself. If they still don't respect you, you have to make tough decisions.

I heard a very brilliant thing about this on Oprah of all places once. She said something like "if I say no and someone keeps pushing me, I ask myself why this person is trying to control me." That was a "lightbulb moment" for me. If you say no (set a boundary), and people keep pushing, being condescending, etc., they are being controlling. Only you can decide whether to have this type of people in your life.

There are some good books on boundary setting out there. I think that one of them was even called "Boundaries," LOL! Reading books about boundaries helped me a lot with my own family, because my own family respected the boundaries that I (eventually) set with them. They did not help with DH's family, though, so we had to cut ties with them entirely.