How do I motivate an unmotivated kid??

[MelCald]

My 10yo dd seems so unmotivated to me. I need to light a fire under her butt, but how? She has been a cheerleader for 4 years. She seems to love it. She is always ready for practice when it is time, loves the competitons. She just doesn't seem to want to improve. She never practices on her own at home. Try outs were this past weekend and all of her friends have moved up to a more advanced team. She is with newer, less experienced cheerleaders. I feel that if I am spending $100+ a month, she should at least be working on getting better at it. Am I wrong?

Thanks
Melissa

 

[DVCLiz]

If you feel she should be at a certain level, I think the only thing you could do is tell her what your expectation is, and if she doesn't meet it, drop the lessons. All of my daughter's activities are "just for fun", so I don't have the same expectation you do about progress. DD takes gymnastics, but it's just for fun and exercise, and she has cooled considerably about it since the beginning of the year, so we'll drop it next year.

The only time I'd be firm about this is if it were an academic issue. Good luck with your daughter!!

 

[MelCald]

Thanks Liz... I am not really sure what my expectation is. I don't expect her to be the best, but I would like her to try to be her best.

I am thinking..if I am paying that much $$, then she should be working hard to improve...or to pay for it herself. The exercise is great, but she can get that for free by riding her bike.

 

[bananiem]

I see your point. We have a dd12 who figure skates. For the money we pay I expect to see improvement. However, she decides with her coach when and if she wants to compete solo. She does skate with a synchro team. I've also told her when it isn't fun for her anymore she can drop it. So far she still loves it, much to my checkbook's dismay!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

I don't think that you are being unreasonable expecting her to practice what she's learning. I went through that with my teen son when he took guitar lessons--he wanted to take the lessons and he practiced a little on his own, but it was more "jamming" and not practicing what he should be practicing to really improve his playing. We did stop the lessons.

One thing that I've always told my older kids is that I can't care more than they care about schoolwork, homework, or an activity. I will put as much effort into it as they do, but I can't care more than they care.

Seems that the cheerleading means more to you than it does her. Can she drop down to just taking lessons, with less pressure? If not and she still wants to continue, I would expect a certain amount of practicing. Does she want to continue?

 

[MelCald]

Seems that the cheerleading means more to you than it does her. Can she drop down to just taking lessons, with less pressure? If not and she still wants to continue, I would expect a certain amount of practicing. Does she want to continue?

I think if anything she needs more pressure. She just coasts through life. She is only 10 and I can't imagine what life will be like for her when she actually has to work for something. She is like this in all parts of her life. She never asks for anything...friends to come over, new clothes, toys, anything. If I offer, she is excited, but never asks.

Sometimes I think it means more to me, and I certainly don't want it to. She does nothing else, no clubs, no other sports...nothing. The only reason it means so much to me is because with cheerleading I feel she is doing something that is good for her. She has tried soccer,softball, dance, gymnastics, swimming, girl scouts..this is the only thing she has wanted to stick with. I am afraid if she quits, she will sit around the house doing nothing all of the time. UGH..I don't know what to do.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Sounds like it's her personality. My 15yo is the same way a lot of the time. Very easy going and yes, unmotivated. You can't change her personality, of course (if that worked, I would have changed things about my son ). Does she do ok in school?

If the cheerleading is her only activity I would hesitate to have her quit unless she really wanted to. And then, at 10yo, I'd have her pick something else to try. How about trying horseback riding lessons (in addition to cheering, if that's possible)? I think that's a great thing for kids her age--it's an individual thing (unless it progresses to the show level), very physical, great for working on balance, and working with a large animal is humbling and satisfying.

 

[Pop Daddy]

spank him

 

[Mmouse1964]

DH and I were recently discussing this about our DD10 as well. She really wants a nintendo ds, we discussed a plan about paying 1/2, and she needed to keep her room picked up, etc. but there is no motivation, no fire in her. she says she really wants it, but her actions say she doesn't. It seems like we are always repeating ourselves and making threats. It's not just this game thing, but school work, exercise, etc. I just don't know how to motivate her. I try to tell her sometimes you just have to push yourself to do something you don't want, but when you are done you should have a great feeling of satisfaction and be proud. I don't always feel like going to exercise, but i know i need to do it, and when i am done i feel so much better. sorry, i'm rambling, but i could use some advice as well. Sometimes I think we just need to remind ourselves they are kids, and need to be able to act like kids.

 

[Hannathy]

Why is it important that she gets better? Who cares she obviously doesn't. It seems to only bother you. If she likes it, has fun, gets exercise, and learns to work with others why does she need to advance. Let her enjoy it at the level she wants. Why do kids have to "be the best" they can. maybe cheerleading is ok and fun but not what she wants to live for. Maybe she doesn't enjoy the pressure of moving up and competing. She is only 10 not 20.
My DD could be a much better violin player if she practiced but she enjoys it and not loves it so I let her set the level she wants to participate and she is still doing it 5 yrs later. So many of her friends that were forced to practice and give up other things have dropped it so was it worth it to make them try to be their best? I think it is important to let kids try many things and is perfectly fine to just be ok at something if thats were they want to be and are having fun. I am referring to extra-curricular type things because my DD knows school is another matter and there she IS expected to work up to her ability no exceptions.
Let her be a kid and just have fun!

 

[MelCald]

Why is it important that she gets better? Who cares she obviously doesn't. It seems to only bother you. If she likes it, has fun, gets exercise, and learns to work with others why does she need to advance. Let her enjoy it at the level she wants. Why do kids have to "be the best" they can.

If she wants me to spend a ton of money, cart her to and from practice 2-6 nights a week and spend my weekends at competitions, I care!! I have other children and a job.

Melissa

 

[Hannathy]

I still don't get it. So the only reason you take her is for her to get better. Does this mean as soon as the instructors say she has reached as far as she is going to go you make her quit? My DD has taken dance for 12 yrs she is never going to be a professional dancer or even take it in college should she quit, no she loves it and has fun the only requirements as far as I am concerned for kids activities.

 

[MelCald]

I still don't get it. So the only reason you take her is for her to get better. Does this mean as soon as the instructors say she has reached as far as she is going to go you make her quit? My DD has taken dance for 12 yrs she is never going to be a professional dancer or even take it in college should she quit, no she loves it and has fun the only requirements as far as I am concerned for kids activities.

Yes. You take lessons to learn. When you learn to do something, you learn how to do it better. So, if you aren't going to practice to continue to get better, why bother taking lessons. Join a club.


Melissa

 

[Christine]

I'm in agreement with Hannathy.

I think one thing we parents must face at some point, is that our kids don't always end up being what we envision. I have had to learn this with my own kids. First of all, I will say that there are a *LOT* of very competitive, spotlight seeking kids out there. They throw their all into everything and excelling and being "tops" in their sport or hobby is important to them. I have seen many of these kids through the years of taking my kids to soccer, Tae Kwon Do, drama, dance, T-ball, swimming, etc.

I, too, wanted my kids to "be one of them." To work hard at something and to master a sport or a skill.

Well, I very quickly found out it wasn't in their personality. They enjoy doing all these things, but neither of them are competitive. They like the "sport" aspect but not the competition. I was all whizzed out about it for a few years but I've finally resigned myself to the fact that this is the way they are. And you know what? They get it right from me!!! Of course, this is all MUCH to my husband's chagrin as he was quite the competitive football player in high school. Neither of my kids got those traits from him and they pretty much hate all those things.

So, I think you really need to objectively look at the good points about your daughter and maybe realize that some kids (yours in this instance) just do not want to work that hard. It is not important to them as a child.

The good news is that when I got older (late teens, early 20s), I became more competitive and aggressive and I know how to work hard for the things I want.

 

[TarraLee]

Melissa,
I'm an All Star cheer coach and gym owner, and Jr. Prep (11 and under) is my favorite age to coach. I sometimes see kids who are just laid back about life and cheer at this age. Sometimes it is just a personality thing-- especially with youngest children, they seem to just be "ok" with whatever happens, no cares, no worries, and sometimes no motivation.

Another interesting thing about cheerleaders this age is that they become "peer concious", I mean they become aware of the fact that not everyone has the same skill level and some of their friends are better/worse cheerleaders than they are. This realization often motivates them to work on their skills. But, some kids who think they don't have as good of skills as their friends do are embarassed to try new skills at practice in front of the team. We have a couple kids like this this year-- in private lessons, they'll do anything you ask, try anything, fall and get back up and do it again, etc. But in front of the team, they fall once, and they almost have a break down. It's crazy, but some just work on new skills better with one on one attention (or split a private lesson with a friend).

Some kids just need more of the coach's attention. They want to be good cheerleaders, they want to get better skills, they're just not self-disciplined because of their young age, and they need a coach to prompt them to practice, to condition, to stretch, to do the drills correctly, etc.

Does your cheerleader have trouble paying attention and working in a group setting, and maybe private lessons would help? Either way, I suggest having a conversation with the coach, and maybe a meeting with all 3 of you to help your daughter set goals for herself, with guidance from you and the coach. Rewards never hurt either!

Best of luck to your daughter, and your teams this season!

 

[MelCald]

I, too, wanted my kids to "be one of them." To work hard at something and to master a sport or a skill.

Well, I very quickly found out it wasn't in their personality. They enjoy doing all these things, but neither of them are competitive. They like the "sport" aspect but not the competition. I was all whizzed out about it for a few years but I've finally resigned myself to the fact that this is the way they are. And you know what? They get it right from me!!! Of course, this is all MUCH to my husband's chagrin as he was quite the competitive football player in high school. Neither of my kids got those traits from him and they pretty much hate all those things.

So, I think you really need to objectively look at the good points about your daughter and maybe realize that some kids (yours in this instance) just do not want to work that hard. It is not important to them as a child.

The good news is that when I got older (late teens, early 20s), I became more competitive and aggressive and I know how to work hard for the things I want.

You are right, she doesn't want to work that hard. So, should I continue shelling out $100+ a month plus new uniform fees, competition fees, etc if she isn't going to work hard, or just keep paying so she can hang out at the gym and look cute?

Melissa

 

[shortbun]

I'd set some realistic goals with her(really include her in the decision making process) and if they are not achieved, the money would be gone and her and my life would be much more simple. My child lost his interest in chess last year, we set some goals that had to be achieved prior to big money/time being spent on out of town tournaments. He DID achieve those goals but in the end he decided he really wanted to pursue athletics instead of chess. He's 10. Interestingly, his teacher's theme was goal setting this year. I think children of this age will do whatever we allow without considering others in their plan. They are totally egocentric. Some refocusing is definitely in order. Good luck.

 

[MelCald]

Melissa,
I'm an All Star cheer coach and gym owner, and Jr. Prep (11 and under) is my favorite age to coach. I sometimes see kids who are just laid back about life and cheer at this age. Sometimes it is just a personality thing-- especially with youngest children, they seem to just be "ok" with whatever happens, no cares, no worries, and sometimes no motivation.

Thanks for your insight!
This is dd. She is layed back about everything. I think it is a personality thing. She isn't one to jump out and yell "Let me do it..I can do it" She just waits for someone to ask. She always come through when they need her to do something, she just doesn't volunteer. But because of this, she is often looked over and doesn't get any of the extra help that she would benefit from.

Melissa

 

[Christine]

You are right, she doesn't want to work that hard. So, should I continue shelling out $100+ a month plus new uniform fees, competition fees, etc if she isn't going to work hard, or just keep paying so she can hang out at the gym and look cute?

Melissa

Well, it just depends. There is no right or wrong way. My son is in Tae Kwon Do. I pay $90 a month for that plus belt testing fees. My son enjoys it while he is there and he gets some exercise, plus coordination skills. He could care less if he ever becomes a black belt. But, he seems to like it well enough, it gives him some confidence, and gets him out of the house (bike riding alone in our area is not a possiblity).

So, yeah, while I'd *like* him to go to the tournaments and practice his moves at home, he doesn't. And I'm still paying. But I'm comfortable with that. If you are not, then don't do it anymore.

 

[challada]

Have the discussion w/your DD about the whole thing and be frank w/her about the $$ issue.

My DS (11) took private piano for 4 years but it was always pulling teeth to get him to practice. When his little sister started this year, I thought that would get him motivated to show her how far you can get...but he continued to not do much (though he has an incredible natural talent for it as both his piano teacher, music teacher and others have told us). Well, little sister after about 2 months decided it was too hard (she was having trouble w/reading the music as a 5 yr old), so she asked "can I quit piano". Our answer was "sure, you have lots of activities in your life and we just want you to ENJOY them". DS looked shocked... and said, "wait, can I quit too". He got the exact same statement. Both kids quit piano the next week! DS has been a happier little guy since then. He just never realized that NOT doing it was an option! Now I can put that $200/month towards other activities!