hoilday with friends--help!!

[kizzy212]

I have recently been seeing alot of one of my sisters friend, we've known her ages through my sister and was also invited to her wedding.(that sort of friend)
Well recently she has become pregnant and with myself only just having a little boy last year we have found we have a lot in common and as a bonus both partners like football and carling so what could be wrong????? .
I find her really nice and different to my normal friendsvery down to earth she owns her own ex council house,her husband works for only(14,000) a year, she stays at home, they live for bargins and charity shops, house furniture from the 80's,(but clean and in good condition)never has takeaways, unless invited for meal, and her weekly shop comes to £45 now dont get me wrong i wish i could be more like her as i waste around £500 month on crap, so believe me im not knocking her.
I disagree with her up bringing of her kids. Her eldest (D)12 is being bullied at school because of her apperence as her mom still dresses her in age 8/9 charity shop clothes and she is asking for the lastest nike tracksuit or rockport boots. But i dont comment on that has its nothing to do with me.
In past two years they have saved for a £14,000 wedding, all inclusive holiday to majorca in which they told us they took £1,000 spending money and came home with £800 And have just asked if they can come to florida with us in aug 2008.
we couldnt be happier as it would be lovely for someone to join us. our others friends arnt as fortunate as us to afford it so we are really happy. This news as only brought us closer and we have shared many of converstaions about disney and have told them all we know and gave them a price breakdown of what it will cost.
Now i always take around $3000 for spending including food as i bring clothes and trainers and goodies home. now they say they will take $3000 the same plus credit card in case (which is clear)...
so your asking where is this thread going??

We have just got back from our yearly legoland weekend in london.(hoilday inn maidenhead) me and my sister invited them and they saved the £800 we budet and came with us. That is for tickets and hotel included before you ask.

Now for the worst part! now when we go around legoland i like my kids to have what they want within reason which is why i save that amount. ice-cream, donuts, souvieer, a toy etc. THEY DIDNT. there girls wasnt even allowed the driving school plastic license you pay £3.50 extra for after the ride. i was horrifed. The poor girls was crying. she said its just a bit of plastic. They didnt have any chocolate waffels, pick a lego mix. nothing. now you can imagine what we felt like. Her girls was there looking at my kids, what was i to do. I felt so guilt......

This carried on over the weekend. On monday we went into london before driving home to see palace, bridge and our first trip on the London Eye. My two boys and two nephews was so excited about the big toy shop in oxford street, thats all they went on about for days. I had explained to her that we give them £20 each for the shop and she even said the girls had spending money for the shop but she wouldnt let them buy anything. If her eldest wanted something it was too childish, and the youngest it was too old for her. they came out with £1.99 stickers.

what confuses me is that the money for everything else was there. £60 london eye, £25 tube and train tickets for the day. £200 hotel £200 food and drink,etc etc

is it just me!!!! now im thinking of florida...

what we she be like THERE

 

[wilma-bride]

It sounds very much like your friends live a fairly frugal lifestyle and have to save very hard for the things they want. I don't really know that it is your place to criticise whether they buy their children souvenirs and things - maybe they consider them a waste of money. Maybe they think that having saved really hard to afford the holiday, spending more money on things which will just get forgotten about or lost/broken/thrown away after a few days or weeks is not worth it. Either way, if you have agreed to go to Florida with this family and you are still happy to go with them, then I think you have to accept the way they are about letting hteir kids have souvenirs. To me, the biggest problem would be that if you are letting your kids have pretty much what they like and this family are not then there may be some bad feeling between the kids. Can you not talk to your friend and explain that you feel awful that her kids aren't getting the things while yours are - or perhaps suggest that each child has a certain amount of spending money while they are there and see if you can agree to her letting them spend it how they like

It is a hard situation but I don't really think you should interfere too much - you're either happy to have them along or you're not. As long as they pay their fair share as far as the holiday costs are concerned, I don't see how you can do anything about the buying souvenirs thing

 

[kizzy212]

oh wilma dont think bad of me, i really like them alot and cant wait for our holiday, as we all get on really well apart from the london situation. i have no problems or issues with the way they live. i am just really confused when you save money for something and then dont spend it. i save x amount to have good time and to let my kids enjoy themselves within reason of course. they have no problems saving money for things. the way they live their lifes makes them able to save they money easier. but to save money for something then not spend it really confuses me.

i agree that i may need to think about the children, and maybe speak my feelings about the situation on souviers.

 

[irongirlof12]

Kizzy, I am like you, I give my girls spending money, if they buy rubbish that up to them. however not everyone has the cash to spare on such things. They sound like they have a tight budget.

It may be hard for you to spend a lot of time with them in Florida, ( my girls are really looking forward to shopping there! and i bet your kids are too! ) Maybe you should discuss kids spending money before you go and see what they are planning or you could kerb your spending when you are with them?

 

[natalielongstaff]

i can actually understand some of this from her point of view.....when i was little money was extremly tight in our family and now...even tho i can afford to buy things i sometimes don't purely because i like to see the money in the bank i know its silly but i can't get past it.

your friend has obviously saved really hard and in her eyes perceives the money as being wasted.....she probably feels pleased that she has "saved" money to take back home.

i agree with joh, you should maybe set an amount of spend per child per day and stick to it ( if you want to go above that limit it should be done so the other kids don't know about it)

hth

 

[Dimplenose]

Is your friend upset by the way you spend your money or is it you that's feeling uncomfortable spending in front of her children? If it is easier for you to have some time apart from your friends maybe that is the time to indulge your children without feeling guilty.

Libby

 

[emily1982]

Sounds to me like their on a really tight budget, i mean places like lego land and london are peoples main holidays a year and some people only dream of Disney, prehaps it's the main things they try to save for.

 

[wilma-bride]

Kizzy, don't get me wrong - I am not thinking badly of you, just trying to see her side of things too. It will be hard for both of you unless you get it out in the open and agree an approach that suits you both for while you are away.

 

[carolfoy]

when we holidayed in Florida a coupl eof years ago with friends who had a son at school with Callum I did make sure that Callum wasn't overly flash with his spendies (he'd worked very hard at chores all year to save and had a lot of dollars) I did allow Callum to have charging facilities on his room key so he could buy his favourite things discreetly and get them sent back to the room in case he was tempted to brag a bit to Daniel.
Maybe start a conversation asking their advice about how much spendies they'll allow their kids, that way you can make sure yours understand that others have limits and if they want to buy special things they have to be a little more discreet?

 

[mark&sue]

I have had this problem many times and it really can spoil a small part of the holiday if you let it get to you. We have been with several friends and my brother in law's family to WDW. It works both ways sometimes I don't want my daughter to have something (say I have a bottle of water) and the others are getting sodas and I think she should be happy with the water and I would prefer her to have water. Then other times I want my daughter to have something (like a special edition pin or a stitch toy) and I know the other parents may not want their children to have something at that particular time it can be awkward.

Last year my daughter was given dollars for her 13th birthday and it seemed easier for her to say it was her birthday money she was spending. (In fact she still has a lot of dollars left for this year !)

I did tell my daughter before we went away the last time that she was not to moan if we did not get her something when the other children were getting it as I had known from experience it can be very tiring hearing her moan and then I feel that I have to give in when I would not have if we had been on our own. It actually worked out really well the last time we went as my daughter remembered my talk and didn't moan (just looked a bit sulky!!)

It is hard work going with friends and I especially found it hard because other people do not have my same "geekiness" for all things Disney. However it is very rewarding and I think I may have nearly converted my very best friend, so I hope she will come with us again in a few years time.

Hope you have a great time and let us know how you get on.


Susan

 

[Netty]

Right this is how I see it, if they can -being on a very tight budget- save up for a £14000 wedding with an expensive honeymoon, then surely they are being selfish.
Alright kids shouldnt have everything they want or ask for but, kids are entitled to have some happiness on a trip or holiday and a bit of spending money, it only has to be a fiver!
If they can pay that much for a wedding and everything else, then they shouldn't be so stingy with their kids
and if they were that skint they wouldnt be thinking of going to Florida, I think they use the kids as an excuse for not spending money.

 

[kizzy212]

thanks for your replies, they have made sence.
i think its bits of what you all have said. That its me feeling guilty for her kids missing out than she is thinking im wasting my money. she isnt that type to critise any one about how they live i havnt even heard her say anything like that in the past. like i said before she is really different from my other friends maybe i have to accept that. i love the way she can save and love the way they lives on 5 asda meals for £4. she has rung me this afternoon saying what a lovely holiday she has had and kids havnt stopped talking about it, and she has mentioned about disney. they brought home £260 to put in (holiday bank account) towards disney. They have counted their savings bottle also and have a disney saving of £660 altogether. she quotes " nearly got disney passes and fexi passes sorted she was so excited.

so i just have to except that my new friend is slighty different whether its her up bringing or how she deals with her money.

 

[kizzy212]

Right this is how I see it, if they can -being on a very tight budget- save up for a £14000 wedding with an expensive honeymoon, then surely they are being selfish.
Alright kids shouldnt have everything they want or ask for but, kids are entitled to have some happiness on a trip or holiday and a bit of spending money, it only has to be a fiver!
If they can pay that much for a wedding and everything else, then they shouldn't be so stingy with their kids
and if they were that skint they wouldnt be thinking of going to Florida, I think they use the kids as an excuse for not spending money.

thats how i was seeing it at first.... but i have had good long think about it and maybe i am wrong to critises them about spending money on their kids. she likes to live on a budget whether thats includes not spending on their kids to have this and that. whats wrong with that?

it was just the kids faces. maybe its me not being around families like that, which has shocked me and made me ask about it on here?

 

[Netty]

When you go away with them are you staying in a hotel or villa. It might be an idea if it is a villa to have 2! as even friends or family who go away together need their own space and a bit of a breather from each other!

 

[kizzy212]

When you go away with them are you staying in a hotel or villa. It might be an idea if it is a villa to have 2! as even friends or family who go away together need their own space and a bit of a breather from each other!

we always stay on international drive at the quality inn international. they have asked about car hire and they have said they would prefere their own car incase they want to do something else. which is what we prefere anyway.

 

[Netty]

we always stay on international drive at the quality inn international. they have asked about car hire and they have said they would prefere their own car incase they want to do something else. which is what we prefere anyway.

 

[fizz13]

Hi Kizzy,
i can understand why you would feel awkward about this, and it definately isn't a subject I would want to bring up with a friend, I am more like you and am likely to set a spending amount for each of my kids and let them do as they like with it. Mickey bars and soda are part of the fun of being on holiday.
Honestly I don't think you can say anything as it would be criticising their parenting and I would hope that the children are being brought up to be money conscious and nice people, as they should be, i think I give my kids the wrong idea about money sometimes, but thats another story
There are two things you can do: carry on with normal holiday tactics and let your kids have what they usually do, or curb it so you are not so conscious of it. If you choose the first then you will have to suck up that bad feeling and deal with it.

oooohhh new idea; could you maybe buy some souvenirs before you go to take with you, and ask your friend if you are allowed to give their children some so they don't see you spending money on their kids? Things like glowsticks, you can get 100 for very little on ebay, pins on ebay are dirt cheap, stickers etc. then you won't feel bad buying stuff in front of the other children and no one misses out?

Will keep thinking, but I know how you feel

 

[swilshire]

I haven't read the responses, but I'm closer to your friend in spending habits. You may want to use this opportunity to talk to your own children about individual choices regarding spending money. They may curtail their own spending somewhat, or at least not be too obvious about it in front of the other kids if they see it makes them feel badly. Chances are, just like my own children, hers have adjusted to frugality and don't really find it that terrible. They may want things just like everyone does, but they probably understand Mom won't allow it.

I never had a Mickey bar until we got in on free dining one year. I probably won't ever buy another one. Choices have to be made and I tend to cut out the little things to afford the big things.

As long as the families are otherwise compatible, I don't see this being a huge problem for your trip.

Sheila

 

[Chilly]

Everyone feels different about money and it can be a very tricky subject. My suggestion is that you pick an amount for your children either for the whole holiday or per day and tell your friend what this amount is. You could tell her you've found giving the children a set amount is good as they don't moan as much then and it helps them to learn about money and the cost of things etc. Say your just letting her know so she could think about it for her own children if she wanted. Hopefully then she'll agree that it is a good idea and you won't have a problem if not there isn't much else you can do.