Help me help advise my dear friend

[Lorix2]

Yesterday, my best friend got a phone call from her husbands GIRLFRIEND of 4-5 years out of the blue. Thought last year maybe something was going on, but didn't think, she let it go and didn't tell him her suspicions, only me.

The girl told my friend that "I hear you're dying of cancer and when you're gone, he's supposed to be with me". My friend is very smart and witty and told her "I don't have cancer, he's lying to you". My friend does have cancer, she's stage 3 lung cancer that has just come back again after a 2nd round of treatment. She told her she didn't have cancer just so the girl would be steamed at the husband and be the victim of his lies also. This girl is her 20's, my friend and her DH are 41 with kids 9 and 8.

She says he comes to her house out of state and the DH denies they've never met, yet he admits to giving her money over the 4-5 period to "help her out" He really thinks my friend is stupid. Oh, yes, and denies any intimate involvement - PUHLEEZE!! Anyway it's really a mess.

My friend is on disability due to carpal tunnel, diabetes and because of her illness, everything combined. She had to leave her job.

They are going to sell the house, divorce and find a place for her and the kids to live. She wants to get her "ducks in a row".

Where can we find assistance for her as far as affordable housing for low income families/single parent and isn't there legal counsel for people in situations that you can pay according to you're income?

She's so distraught and has no family to turn to and I want to help her with everything she may need.

Thanks for any advice and to steer us in the right direction for her, I appreciate it.

 

[Disney Doll]

Wow!!! Your friend's husband is the worst kind of slime. And the funny thing about 20 year olds id that when their 40 year BF turns 60, they are no longer interested in babysitting an old man. Of course, by then they're not 20 anymore either, and will get a taste of their own medicine as far as what it's like to be a 40 year old.

Does your city/town have a social servcies department? I would start there as far as how to get her assistance and housing.

He will have to pay child support, so tell her to hire a good lawyer. I'd probably go for alimony too, since she is unable to work.

Please tell her to console herself with the fact that eventually, karma bites everyone on the butt, so his day is coming. And so is his 20 year old chickie's.

 

[lindakmonty]

What a total piece of crap! I am so glad to see she's leaving him! I'm not sure about the income thing...every state is so different. Here we have METRO... it is for low income people... I don't know much about where to go or where to start for anything like that... I'm sure a few phone calls and she'd get some answers. Maybe even calling an atty. could give her some of the info she needs. Online there are websites that will tell you per state approx. what he will be required to pay in child support. That is a big help to see about what he'll have to pay. Since she's on disability, the kids should get checks as well, correct? Between the 3 checks and child support she may not qualify for much but it doesn't hurt to ask. I'll be praying for her. Glad she's getting out of the situation. It is unreal that the girlfriend knows he's married and continues to see him as well... karma will get her too!

 

[kellyg403]

I agree...karma will be terrible for these two. Usually cheated with is cheated on.

Your friend definitely needs to get a lawyer and depending on the state some do pro bono work. Call around. Check with her local SS agencies and they may be able to help her find the housing especially with the disability, but I wouldn't move out until the lawyer said I had to. At this point, in her condition and the reasons for the divorce she may get to keep the house, get some alimony and for sure child support. It is a very difficult situation in the best of times but this is probably the lowest of low to do to someone who is ill.

I will keep her and her children in my prayers. Hopefully the dh will realize that she doesn't need the extra heartache and play nice.

Kelly

 

[emilymad]

I have just been through a divorce myself although nothing like your friends situation. She should get a lawyer ASAP. Maybe the DH will be made to pay for her lawyer's fees? I would not move out of the house until a lawyer says so. What they say about procession being 9/10th of the law is right. If she moves out she could be giving up her right to the house and contents. I think it depends on the state but in my state the alimony and child support have to provide for a quality of life similar to what your friend currently has. Since the DH is at fault your friend should be able to get this. It all depends on the laws of the state. Something good to remember is that laws only get you so far. My ex changed the locks on our house after I moved out. I still had somethings there and we had agreed on a week that I would pick them up. Well I went to the house and he wasn't home and the locks were changed. By law I should have been issued a set of keys since I was still an owner of the house. The practicallity of it was that I would have had to file an injunction against my ex and it would have gone before a judge to get the keys. This would have takens months and a lot of lawyers fees. In the end I just had to work out another time with my ex to get my stuff. I was furious and upset since it was in no way fair to me or legal but there was nothing I could practically do about it. This is why I think it is so important to not leave the house if at all possible. Good luck and all around.

 

[momof1princess]

ok, let me put on my legal secretarial hat for a minute here...your friend needs to see an attorney immediately-the biggest shark in the city, imho. she needs to ask for child support, alimony and that her DH pay her attorney's fees and any & all court fees & filing costs, at the very least. IF I WERE HER, i wouldn't move out of my house, i'd kick HIM out, then go ahead and file divorce papers requesting that the court make HIM pay for the house (this can happen, my dad had to pay my former step-mom's house pmt b/c she was on disability), property taxes, etc.-as well as continue to provide medical insurance for her and her children, and pay any expenses insurance doesn't cover (this could be VERY important b/c of her health). DISCLAIMER: i'm not giving legal advice here, this is all based upon what i've seen during the years i was a legal secretary.

basically, she just needs to get her financial ducks in a row and see the best attorney possible ASAP, and tell him to go for the throat. if she can get the g/f on her side to testify for her, all the better. if not, this woman can be subpoenaed to come to court. i hope things improve for her soon.

 

[kimmikayb]

I'm so sorry for your friend. That's a lot to deal with. Her husband is the lowest form of life.

I agree with the other posters, hire a good attorney, kick HIM out of the house, file for child support, alimony and attorney fees.

I hope she's in some sort of counseling...this is just so much to handle.

 

[Lorix2]

You DIS'ers are THE best. I'm sorry to hear that some of you have actual experience with divorce. I appreciate you're advice and thoughts immensely.

As a little side note, my friend has a new dr who referred her to a surgeon who feels he could operate to remove the tumor between her heart and lung, which before she's been told it can't be done.

She goes for a biopsy next week to Boston and if it hasn't spread to her lymph nodes, she has the option to have the surgery. But it's risky as with any heart surgery and she's on Coumadin for blood clots in her brain, so she has alot to think about. She said to add insult to injury literally, in one day she finds out her husband is cheating and the next a man says he *may* be able to save her life.

Please keep in her your prayers, she is an incredible woman, wife, mother and friend.

I am going to show her all responses to this thread.

 

[kellyg403]

You DIS'ers are THE best. I'm sorry to hear that some of you have actual experience with divorce. I appreciate you're advice and thoughts immensely.

As a little side note, my friend has a new dr who referred her to a surgeon who feels he could operate to remove the tumor between her heart and lung, which before she's been told it can't be done.

She goes for a biopsy next week to Boston and if it hasn't spread to her lymph nodes, she has the option to have the surgery. But it's risky as with any heart surgery and she's on Coumadin for blood clots in her brain, so she has alot to think about. She said to add insult to injury literally, in one day she finds out her husband is cheating and the next a man says he *may* be able to save her life.

Please keep in her your prayers, she is an incredible woman, wife, mother and friend.

I am going to show her all responses to this thread.

I am glad for her good news! WIll keep hoping the "may" turns to a "did" !

I also agree about the counseling for her and the children...divorce/adultry is hard to digest as an adult but for children who don't know a thing about the adultry and only the divorce have a hard time figuring out what went wrong. Please send PPT's her way!

Kelly

Kelly

 

[HERSEY]

Your friend should get the best lawyer she can find. In some states she could go after the "girlfriend" and for "lost of affection". I think that's what is called. Her lawyer can ask for her insurance premiums paid for along with alimony and child support.

 

[KelNottAt]

Tell her to get a lawyer. Make the slimeball husband pay legal expenses.

Tell her not to give up the house. The slimeball should continue supporting her, the kids, and pay the mortgage.

Tell her to update her will. She's about to become a single mother with cancer. Her will should be written so that everything goes to the kids, not to the slimeball.

 

[barkley]

for legal advise based on her income she can look in the phone book under 'legal aide' or 'legal assistance', but there income guidelines are pretty low so depending on her assetts (and since she's not yet divorced they will look at the joint income/assetts) she may not qualify. but she needs to talk to a lawyer asap-divorce laws vary greatly state to state. some states have 'no fault' some have 'fault' and it can make a huge difference (there's some state-maybe new york?-that sez if a spouse learns their spouse is engaged in adultury but then continues to share the marital bed they can't use that adultry as a basis for a 'fault' divorce-i remember one case in the media where a woman went through hell trying to divorce because an attempt at reconciliation she and her husband did was upheld by a judge as voiding the adultry as a 'fault' on the husband's part)-so it's important to know where you stand legaly.

as far as housing goes-until the marital estate is settled her being a home owner will probably preclude her from qualifying for any low income housing (and i had clients on welfare that were on waiting lists for years)-so if she can stay in the house until everythings hashed out it's probably best.

another thing she may want to consider doing is setting up some type of legal documentation regarding how she would want her portion of the marital estate distributed should (god forbid) something happen before everything is settled-there may be a way once they are legaly separated for her to do a will that would allow her portion of the proceeds of the sale of the house, any bank accounts....to pass into trust for her children. she can also change any life insurance policies to reflect the children (in trust) as beneficiaries vs. her husband.

she may be able to swing keeping the house-depending on how long they've been married if he has any pensions or retirement funds she may be eligible to a portion which would offset his equity (had a neighbor who went thru a nasty divorce and she kept the house by agreeing to write off any claims she would have to his pensions-but she could keep the kids eligible to any surviving dependant pay-outs). if she's covered under his med insurance she will want to make sure he keeps her on it as long as possible (some employers have provisions in their contracts that if a court orders a divorcing spouse to retain the soon to be former spouse covered they will do so-with the employed spouse paying a higher share of cost).

last but not least-given her health issues, if she has a trusted family member or friend (very trusted) she may want to look into listing them as her medical power of attny and do an advance medical directive (unless she wants her husband to make medical decisions for her should the need arrive before the divorce is final) and possibly on a financial power of attorney (if she gets hospitalized and there are papers that have to be taken care of with the divorce having someone who can sign for her may prevent delays and keep costs down).

best wishes to her-noone deserves to be treated in this manner. i always wonder about women who get involved with married men-does'nt it occur to them that if the jerk cheated on their wife it's likely to happen again when/if they become 'new wife"?

 

[mt2]

You are a good friend. I can't help you but here is something I read in our church bulletin awhile ago. "When a man divorces his wife and marries his mistress, it leaves the position open to be filled."

I hope your friend stays in good health to have surgery.

 

[hentob]

ok, let me put on my legal secretarial hat for a minute here...your friend needs to see an attorney immediately-the biggest shark in the city, imho. she needs to ask for child support, alimony and that her DH pay her attorney's fees and any & all court fees & filing costs, at the very least. IF I WERE HER, i wouldn't move out of my house, i'd kick HIM out, then go ahead and file divorce papers requesting that the court make HIM pay for the house..........

Yes, yes and YES! VERY good advice!

Her DH is dirt and that witch of a girlfriend is just as scummy. Who would call another human being and taunt them with ---"I know you have cancer and when you die, he is all mine.............."

A special place in hell doen't even begin to describe it

 

[goofydad621]

OK here is my 2 cents.


First is your friend a NH resident? There are a number of Pro Bono lawyers in NH that will help out.

In NH if you can prove a affair I believe that the person that had the affair can legally be responsable for around %80 of all debt from couple, house, car, credit card bills etc.

NH is a non spousel (sp) support state No mandatory alimony but it can still be requested and gotten it just means that it is not automatic.

There is a formula that they use to determine child support and I believe for 2 children the custodial parent gets about 33% of the GROSS pay not take home. Asl well as provide insurance for children (and maybe your friend) deductables and copays etc.

This system stinks sometimes if the Husband is not to blame or the mom not a responsable person. Been there done that got custody away from her after that fact but not until major damage was done.

That gives you an idea where she can start. but GET A LAWYER and don't sell the house until the courts are involved to protect any profits or moneys collected.

Best of luck to your friend and her children. Even though I am only hearing one side of the story here, some men are scumbags and give the rest of us a bad name. I apologize for all the men with the morals or character of a goat.

OK off my soap box now Dave Goofydad Dionne

 

[goofydad621]

Sorry forgot to add

PM me if you want a name of a very good lawyer. He represented me in getting custody of my kids.
He picks his cases on at a time and as far as fee's went he was very reasonable and fair. I am not sure if he is still practicing but interested I will send his name and number if I can find it.