Have you ever discovered a relative that "isn't so bad after all?"

[Disney1fan2002]

I just discovered one! The sad thing is, he is 82 years old. He is my uncle. my dad's brother. My dad and him did not have a relationship for all the years of my childhood/life. Dad was great at holding grudges, and though he never prevented us kids from having a relationship with him, to hear my dad talk, I thought the guy was a real jerk. Some of my siblings worked for him. I never had any desire to get to know him.

A few months ago, I decided to go to work on my dad's paternal family tree. Since uncle is the last surviving member of dad's family, I drove over and knocked on his door. I thought he could answer some questions about his grandfather. He wasn't home, but his wife told me to check the coffee shop. He was there with a bunch of "old cronies" LOL...and GOD he is 10 years older than my dad was, but they could of been identical twins. It felt good to be seeing my dad again. I could of sat and talked with him all day. he knows nothing about his family, but he told me some stories of my dad when they were younger, and he really adored my dad.

A few days later he called me, to see if I had any info on his family. We talked some more. he has called me a few times, and everytime, I could chat with him for hours. It STINKS that I could of had a loving, enjoyable relationship with him my whole life, but I let my dad's anger against him form my opinion. I hope I can continue a relationship with his for how ever many years he has left. He is 82......

 

[zippeedee]

It sounds like he came into your life when you were ready to accept and appreciate him. Better late than never.
My family is so torn apart by old grudges and insults it is probably hopeless. It's nice that you got to meet him and make new happy memories.

 

[missypie]

My DH's dad has always been a short tempered horse's rear ... until about three years ago when he mellowed...a lot. Now I think he's actually a pretty nice guy. Not my favorite person mind you, but so much better than he used to be. It's hard to relate to him as he is now, rather than carrying over memories of past behavior (I imagine that it's even harder for DH). Well, at least my kids should remember Grandpa as a nice guy instead of a jerk.

 

[chrissyk]

People can change and mellow over time. Just because your uncle is a great guy now doesn't mean that your dad didn't have legitimate gripes with him. It is good that you can get to know and enjoy him now, but maybe you wouldn't have cared for the person that he was years ago, KWIM? In my case, I only have the 1 relative who is a real piece of work, and yes, he really is THAT BAD (think a very mean, crazy Cousin Eddie, LOL!).

 

[missypie]

People can change and mellow over time. Just because your uncle is a great guy now doesn't mean that your dad didn't have legitimate gripes with him. It is good that you can get to know and enjoy him now, but maybe you wouldn't have cared for the person that he was years ago, KWIM? In my case, I only have the 1 relative who is a real piece of work, and yes, he really is THAT BAD (think a very mean, crazy Cousin Eddie, LOL!).

You're so right. I alwyas felt sorry for my paternal grandmother. She and grandpa had six kids and for most of the time the kids were at home, grandpa was an alcoholic who drank up most of the money he made, causing grandma to have to raise her family in poverty and distress.

At one point, however, grandpa found the Lord (he was literally in a gutter in the rain when he heard the music from a church revival and went in and was saved!!!). By the time I knew grandpa he was truly a terrific person. But grandma always harbored bitterness, and it's hard to blame her. To us grandkids, grandpa seemed like a saint and grandma seemed like a witch. It's only as an adult that I can understand why that was and feel sorry for grandma.

 

[4cruisin]

I just discovered one! The sad thing is, he is 82 years old. He is my uncle. my dad's brother. My dad and him did not have a relationship for all the years of my childhood/life. Dad was great at holding grudges, and though he never prevented us kids from having a relationship with him, to hear my dad talk, I thought the guy was a real jerk. Some of my siblings worked for him. I never had any desire to get to know him.

A few months ago, I decided to go to work on my dad's paternal family tree. Since uncle is the last surviving member of dad's family, I drove over and knocked on his door. I thought he could answer some questions about his grandfather. He wasn't home, but his wife told me to check the coffee shop. He was there with a bunch of "old cronies" LOL...and GOD he is 10 years older than my dad was, but they could of been identical twins. It felt good to be seeing my dad again. I could of sat and talked with him all day. he knows nothing about his family, but he told me some stories of my dad when they were younger, and he really adored my dad.

A few days later he called me, to see if I had any info on his family. We talked some more. he has called me a few times, and everytime, I could chat with him for hours. It STINKS that I could of had a loving, enjoyable relationship with him my whole life, but I let my dad's anger against him form my opinion. I hope I can continue a relationship with his for how ever many years he has left. He is 82......

I am in a similar situation but I am the "ogre" in my family. I do not have contact with 3 brothers but they all have children. I tried to never let the children become involved in the differences between the adults and always made sure there were bday and Christmas presents, special days such as graduation etc were always acknowledged by me. Most of the nieces and nephews are adults now and do not bother with me. I told each of them at one point or another that just because I had differences with their parents, I still love them and care for them. They have choosen to ignore me. I have to wonder if at some point, your post could be written by them.
I will always leave the door open for them. I am hurt by their decision not to judge me for themselves but to listen to what their parents had to say.
Oh well, maybe someday before it is too late, they will come around.

 

[missypie]

Another example: When I was growing up, my mom never wanted to have much to do with her oldest brother. He always seemed like a nice guy to me. In fairly recent years, mom has had more to do with him; I've spent some time with him and he's really an enjoyable guy.

A few years ago mom told me the story about him. When she was a child and he was a teenager, whenever her parents weren't at home, he'd try to sexually molest her. Grandma would leave mom chores to do, but mom would leave the house as soon as her mother left, to avoid the advances from her brother. Then mom would get whipped for not doing her chores. The brother was finally found out and sent off to the Navy.

Okay. So over 60 years have passed. The brother is a deacon at his church and is by all accounts a "great guy." But how is my mom ever supposed to forget their past?

 

[florida-again]

my paternal grandfather married a woman (my fathers step-mother) who was reluctant to let him have any kind of relationship with his family. Interestingly, from my other threads you may notice this is exactly what is going on with my father and his new wife now.
Anyway, after my dad's SM died, my grandfather found a new lady-friend. The sweetest lady ever, who encouraged him to build a relationship with us.
He was never going to be the best grandparent ever but for the last few years of his life I got to see a lot of him and loved him very much. Unfortuntaley he died a couple of years after I started to really spend time with him.

 

[lillygator]

we have 2 black sheep in our family....and no, one of them is not me...but now that I have "grown up" I realize they are not so bad after all.....

 

[Stitchfans]

I was always brought up that when it comes to family you are suppose to turn the other cheek. I did that for many years with DHs family but my cheeks got way too raw. So now I have nothing to do with them. I leave them alone, and they leave me alone. this way no ones feelings are being hurt.

It is always nice though to rekindle or start up a new relationship.