Friend Dilemma

[CJK]

A little background:

I first met Nancy in grade 5. She was a grade ahead of me. We were never close growing up, we were basically just friendly with each other whenever we ran into each other. Accidentally, we ended up going to the same university. We became quite close and were in the same group of friends. As the years went by (husbands, kids, etc..), we started to drift away. More accurately, I started to pull away. We didn't have much in common anymore.

In the last 3yrs or so, Nancy has started to bother me more and more. She has always been opinionated, but now she is really pushing her thoughts/opinions onto me. For example, she is heavily interested in studying past lives and recalling her own experiences in past lives and the consequent healing that needs to be done in THIS life. Absolutely no offense to any of you who believe in such things, but I must admit that I don't believe much of what she talks about. I have timidly admitted this to her (she has a VERY strong personality), but she won't even entertain my (or anyone's) different perspective.

It's not just this one topic that bothers me. I no longer even enjoy spending time with her. I get so frustrated and annoyed. I try to explain my thoughts to her, but she doesn't really want to hear it. As a result, I've developed other friendships and don't really confide in this friend anymore.

The problem is that Nancy doesn't have any other confidants in her life. To end the friendship altogether would really hurt her and I don't want to do that since she is genuinely a kind person. Side note: a year ago, she really sensed me pulling away and became very emotional and distraught so I couldn't completely go through with it. In addition, I still maintain a core friendship group from our college days and Nancy is a part of that group. If I were to sever this friendship, it would also impact the group. Although, none of the other girls talk to Nancy much anymore due to distance and perhaps some of same reasons I've mentioned.

My question to all of you is: how should I proceed? What are some of my options? I did consider having a heart to heart with her a few months ago, but things temporarily got better so I basically chickened out. I've seen firsthand how spiteful/unforgiving she can be when she thinks someone has wronged her, so I avoided the situation. Do I end the friendship completely? I don't know if that's the right course of action either. It's not as if she has betrayed me or anything, it's just that I see us growing apart with different views or ways of thinking. I don't think it warrants a dramatic ending to the friendship. Does that make sense?

Anyway, sorry for my rambling. I just had a particularly unpleasant conversation with her on the phone and I needed to get some of my thoughts out. Thanks for any advice.

 

[lulugirl]

I would let the friendship die a natural death.

 

[diznygirl]

Don't do anything. Friendships go up and down. A few years from now you might feel differently.

 

[bbangel]

It is hard to remain friends with someone who is so draining. My only advice, if you want to avoid the confrontational conversation, is to never initiate anything. Don't call first, don't invite her to things, don't email her. Respond politely but generally to her. Don't accept invites to do things or attend events. Just be polite and distant.

If you have the conversation, use statements about you not her. Make sure she knows that her friendship was valuable to you in the past, but that you don't see it moving forward. Use those I statements.

It's not easy having relationships change, especially when one person is moving away and the other is still hanging on. Remember that you can't let her control you by manipulating your feelings of guilt. That isn't a friendship.

 

[ky71]

I'm really sorry that you seem to feel trapped. Friendship is a wonderful expression of a mutual understanding. If you no longer feel the want to be with, talk to, confide in etc than be too busy when next invited out, be vague when talking about uninteresting subjects, bring up your own faith (or one you might just be reading up on for conversation purposes) and see what happens. Never ever tell the others in your group how you feel or they may distance themselves also. What you really need is someone to take your place so don't ruin this by alienating others from her too. Find an aquaintence who can be more interesting, more supportive of her ideas and has the time to dedicate to her and then let them enjoy their new friendship. Be careful though you may then decide you can't live without her!!!