Foster Child 16, facebook & texting questions

[Tink2000]

We have taken in a 16 year old mother and her 14 month old child. This is my first time dealing with facebook and texting rules. Do you set rules for your teens? What are your rules? Do you have the right to check mesages? I am amazed how much teens text! Help!!!

 

[Cinderella94]

I'm 16 so I can tell you what the rules in my house are .

My parents have placed no rules on my texting (unlimited) or facebook usage. I can imagine that they would if it started to interfere with my schoolwork, but otherwise, nope; they just let me use them as I please. They've never asked for my facebook password or to see my phone, so they give me total privacy in that regard. Again, I can imagine that this would change if I gave them reason to believe that I was talking about drinking or partying or whatever and they wanted to investigate, but they know that I don't do that. I am friends with both of them on facebook, but that wasn't mandated; I just figured it made sense.

 

[keetmommy]

Our main texting rule is the phone goes off when you go to bed, and a big thing with this is our rooms are all close and I don't need to be hearing beep you missed a text all night and she needs her sleep.

Im her friend on facebook and she only friends people she knows..

Amie

 

[Hannathy]

Not by 16
when my kids were younger they knew i would be checking where they were going and when they were very young they had to ask before going to new sites.
I wouldn't check her facebook unless she gives you any indication that you don't trust her. I would start out trusting. I would have the computer in an open area not in her room where she could go and close the door however. i wouldn't limit computer time either at that age they do most of their school work on the computer and most of their socializing/communicating on there. Our computers are in the Family room, and Kitchen.

Same with texting-as long as she is getting her school work done and taking care of her child I wouldn't care. If you want, you can say not at the table.
They all text, they never call. and they like to send short texts and have to respond 15 times instead of 3 with full sentences.

With a 14 month old and school exactly how much time is she going to have for facebook anyway?

 

[laurie31]

My girls, 12 and 14, text ALL the time. My 12 year old actually texts more. She's the one I have to tell to put the phone down and go to bed. No phones at the dinner table, but to me that goes without saying. I haven't had to make it an official "rule."

We don't really read their texts, just like we wouldn't listen in on a phone conversation. They just choose to text instead of talk most of the time.

My DD14 is on Facebook, and DH and I are friends with her.

I would sit down with your foster DD and make sure she knows what is and isn't acceptable to post on facebook, and go over the article on sexting that someone posted here with her. Since she got pregnant at 14, she might not understand those kinds of boundaries. (not being judgemental, my own birthmother got pregnant at 14, I just meant that she might not understand the ramifications of texting a "racy" photo, thinking only the intended recipient would see it).

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Trust is earned, not given blindly.

 

[laurie31]

Forgot the link to the thread about sexting.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=2688447

 

[Jessica527]

Become her friend on Facebook, that is a huge deal

 

[Tink2000]

Sexting is part of my concern. At this point I have taken the phone away because of this exact issue. I just am not sure where to go from here. I have printed the sexting article and plan to read it with her and talk about it tonight. She has not had a phone or facebook before so we are both learning.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

Phone goes away during dinner and bedtime (with the exception of two weeks ago when a friend was in a horrific traffic accident). DD knows her texts can be read at any time. But we also have had no reason for not trusting her, either.

 

[dngnb8]

Sexting is part of my concern. At this point I have taken the phone away because of this exact issue. I just am not sure where to go from here. I have printed the sexting article and plan to read it with her and talk about it tonight. She has not had a phone or facebook before so we are both learning.

Timing is everything

Docs warn about Facebook use and teen depression

Lindsey Tanner, Ap Medical Writer – Mon Mar 28, 6:45 am ET

CHICAGO – Add "Facebook depression" to potential harms linked with social media, an influential doctors' group warns, referring to a condition it says may affect troubled teens who obsess over the online site.

Researchers disagree on whether it's simply an extension of depression some kids feel in other circumstances, or a distinct condition linked with using the online site.

But there are unique aspects of Facebook that can make it a particularly tough social landscape to navigate for kids already dealing with poor self-esteem, said Dr. Gwenn O'Keeffe, a Boston-area pediatrician and lead author of new American Academy of Pediatrics social media guidelines.

With in-your-face friends' tallies, status updates and photos of happy-looking people having great times, Facebook pages can make some kids feel even worse if they think they don't measure up.</snip>

 

[dngnb8]

I see the word "trust" mentioned and I would like to share a conversation I had with my DD13 about drugs.

Scene: We were driving to school ( a 30 minute commute for us every morning)

Me: So..... *turns down the music* Have you ever been exposed or asked to use, or are you doing drugs hun?

DD13: Nooo *almost as if insulted* Dont you trust me?

Me: yes, I trust you, but that trust doesnt mean you wont be put in the situation. Let me ask you something in a "Lets pretend sitaution... okay?"

DD13: *hesitantly* alright...

Me: lets say, just for pretend, you are doing drugs. Lets say, youre smoking pot. Okay? Not that you are, but lets just pretend.

DD13: *hesitantly* alright...

Me: Now, I ask you again.... Have you ever been exposed or asked to use, or are you doing drugs hun?

DD13: Well yeah because we are pretending....

Me: Would that be your answer if it were so?

DD13: *now I can see her thinking* Probably not. I would still tell you no most likely

Me: Okay, most kids would deny it. Its not like they would say

Oh yeah dad, wanna share a dooby!

DD13: *laughing now and at ease* Probably not.

Me: So, then let me back up here to your first response... you said "Dont you trust me?"

DD13: Yeah....

Me: You can see trust isnt really the main thing here right? I mean, if I trust you and youre doing drugs, nothing happens. If I ask you and youre more apt to lie to me, nothing happens.

DD13: yeah...

Me: So how to I know? I cant trust you would be honest if you were doing drugs...

DD13: yeah, I guess it isnt easy for you .....

Me: Well, your mom and I have come to a decision. Please understand that this isnt an issue because we dont trust you, but because we love and want to make sure youre protected. From this point forward, at any time, your mom and I might administer a drug test. Nothing bad, just a pee in a cup thing that can be done at home.

DD13: WHAT! NO WAY!

Me: Yes way honey. I know this sounds fascist, but here is the thing. When someone offers you drugs, and you say no, and they say, come on, you wimp, and they pressure, you have an out now. No matter how much they push, you say

My parents make me pee in a cup for drug testing randomly. I cant chance it.

What will they say? Our decsion gives you the ultimate excuse to say no now.

----

This convo really happened. I have several drug testing items in my house. One sits in her bathroom, where ALL her friends can see it.

Ive never made her pee in a cup. Just having it there, in the house, where her friends see it, is enough. Do her friends call me Hitler? Yeah. Do I care? No.

I also have her phone time out at certain times in the day. It just wont work. Check with your provider about security features. My daughter also understands that at any time, I can access her texts, mail, pics etc.

This isnt about trust, because if she is doing things that arent allowable or dangerous, she will lie to me anyway (as admitted by her)

 

[shortbun]

No rules here but we don't seem to need them. Straight A's and he would rather play basketball or video games than text. There is some texting but only between the boys and it goes,'wutup', 'idk', 'K'. Seriously, they are pathetic, lol! I think I'd set rules regarding when texting could/couldn't happen like when the baby needs attention, when having dinner, when driving, when homework hasn't been started...breaks for texting would be ok but only short ones until work was done. The priorities should be the baby, the school work, other chores and then texting.

 

[PatsMom]

We never really put limits on texting except phone is not to be brought to the dinner table and not to be used in restaurants. Other than that I had an unlimited text package added to her line. I initially hated texting but I have come to the conclusion that the only way these kids communicate sometimes is texts and Facebook! My husband will not text or do Facebook and he often wonders why I know more about what is going on with his family than he does! My step-daughter regularly updates me with pictures of our grandson - but only via text or Facebook. We'll get him into the twenty first century eventually I guess.

She's never given me reason to worry so I never checked her phone, although until she turned 18 I suppose I could have. And even now, technically I pay the bill and I bought the phone so I suppose I could demand it.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Trust is earned, not given blindly.

I totally agree, and even though my kids have given me no reason to no t trust them, I have seen things on their phones that I am grateful I saw. I would have never known and wouldn't have had particular discussions with them.

My kids know that while they live with us, we have their FB passwords and can check cells any time. It teaches them to not write anything they wouldn't want their parents (or principal, priest...) seeing. Something all kids need to learn.

 

[Tinijocaro]

No rules here but we don't seem to need them. S

You don't know what you don't know if you aren't checking.

 

[PatsMom]

I totally agree, and even though my kids have given me no reason to no t trust them, I have seen things on their phones that I am grateful I saw. I would have never known and wouldn't have had particular discussions with them.

My kids know that while they live with us, we have their FB passwords and can check cells any time. It teaches them to not write anything they wouldn't want their parents (or principal, priest...) seeing. Something all kids need to learn.

I actually think that constantly checking just teaches them to be sneakier. Easy to have two Facebook pages. And its awfully easy to permanently delete a text message. Or use Facebook messages. Or to use gmail accounts. Kids are smart and if they are inclined to do things, they will find a way to do them.

My system worked pretty well for me. My daughter and I spent a lot of time in the car together so we had lots of talks on different subjects. And somehow despite my laxity at putting electronic leashes on her, I have a 20 year old college student who hates smoking, drinking and drugs. She disapproves of me and her father having even social drinks. She is voluntarily living in a chemical free dorm. I am definitely not saying she is perfect - she is lazy and she is a real procrastinator. And she is inconsiderate like a lot of young people. But she has never given me any reason to doubt the trust I put in her to do the right thing in her internet and texting activities.