Family Wedding Advice

[JoiseyMom]

Here goes. My cousin's DD is getting married. I asked if kids were going to be invited (I have 2 adult DS's that are friends with the bride, and DS6 & DD11), I was told that there would be no children at the wedding. OK, right, easy enough. Wrong, not with my family.

At the bridal shower there were 2 kids, my neices, DN14 and DN11. I was not a happy camper, since my DD11 was not included, but I wasn't too suprised. I spoke to my eldest and he said that DN's will be invited to the wedding.

Ok, now I am not happy. My DD an DN live in same town, same school same friends. I would have been ok if there were really NO kids, but the just certain kids well, it doesn't sit well with me.

I have already told DH that he doesn't have to go to the wedding. Now, do I go, or don't I go?? If I don't go, I know my Aunt (she is my mom's baby sister), is not going to be happy. I was thinking that I would call her to let her know that I wasn't going to be going and why. Or should I just respond on the RSVP as no and let the chips fall where they may?

Or should I go to the wedding?? Now I really don't want to go without DH, it is a Saturday nite event and won't end until the wee hours, so we were going to stay over. But I don't think they are right to invite some kids and not others when they said there would be no kids.

And yes, it is their wedding and they have the right to invite anyone they want to. But I have the right not to attend.

Any insight??

Tx.

 

[Twingle]

Are you close to your Aunt or cousin? Maybe you could call and ask specifically if your children are not to attend?

The reason I say this is because we were invited to a wedding where kids over five were invited - they were going to have entertainment for them. But, they didn't really want kids younger than five, if I remeber right it was because the couple thought they would be harder to entertain. The poor bride had no idea how to address our invite, so only put my DH and my name on it. Since I knew that she had wanted our son there, I called and asked if he could still attend. She let me know right away that she didn't know how to address the invite, but definately wanted my son there, but felt bad about not wanting my girls at the wedding.

In re-reading that, it seems clear as mud.

Is your DH not attending because you don't have anyone to watch your kids? Or do neither of you want to attend because your children were not invited?

When my DH and I got married we had a "no-children" event, mainly because all of our close friends had kids in the 4-8 age range, and they wanted an overnight away. But then, we also did not have a ring bearer, flower girl, junior bridesmaids or the like.

Good luck!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Are you close to your Aunt or cousin? Maybe you could call and ask specifically if your children are not to attend?

The reason I say this is because we were invited to a wedding where kids over five were invited - they were going to have entertainment for them. But, they didn't really want kids younger than five, if I remeber right it was because the couple thought they would be harder to entertain. The poor bride had no idea how to address our invite, so only put my DH and my name on it. Since I knew that she had wanted our son there, I called and asked if he could still attend. She let me know right away that she didn't know how to address the invite, but definately wanted my son there, but felt bad about not wanting my girls at the wedding.

In re-reading that, it seems clear as mud.

Is your DH not attending because you don't have anyone to watch your kids? Or do neither of you want to attend because your children were not invited?

When my DH and I got married we had a "no-children" event, mainly because all of our close friends had kids in the 4-8 age range, and they wanted an overnight away. But then, we also did not have a ring bearer, flower girl, junior bridesmaids or the like.

Good luck!

I am not as close to my Aunt and Cousin as I was, we used to be very close. I do not need to ask, I know they aren't invited. The invitation is to my DH and myself, not to family. And I asked several months ago about kids, I wanted to look for a dress for DD, and was told that NO kids were invited.

My DH doesn't like any affairs of this nature, and was going to go because he had to. I told him that he was not off the hook, I wasnt going to require him to go. I have known about this wedding for a long time, and my MIL had the weekend blocked off to watch the kids if needed.

We don't want to attend because other children were included, but not ours. I would not have had an issue if they said DD11 could come but not ds6, since he is little. But I was told NO kids, and there are kids that were invited.

 

[dougsmom98]

Perhaps the children that did go to the shower not officially invited. On a number of occasions, I have seen moms bring their children to these types of events even when they were not invited. It may be that the parents complained and the hostess said yes to keep the peace. I would try to get a sitter so that you and DH can go out and enjoy the evening and perhaps get a night away. If not, I would go only if there were other people there that I knew and would feel comfortable hanging out with.

 

[StitchandPooh'sMom]

Not sure if this will be any help, but here is my experience. My niece (who I am close to and love dearly) got married in Key West and had a no kids wedding (she was from NJ, the rest of the family is scattered everywhere, but no one in Key West). We went and brought my in-laws to watch our kids, because I didn't want to go to Florida without my kids since I knew they would have fun and since I was spending the money to get there anyway. My brother and his wife chose not to go since they did not want to spend all that money (basically their vacation money) and go without their kids, and they didn't want to leave them at home with a sitter for a few days.

That was almost four years ago. My sister and my niece don't speak to my brother and his family since they are so offended they didn't go to the wedding. I tried to explain to my niece that it was her wedding and she could have it wherever she wanted, but she needed to understand if some people chose not to come because it was far away or because the kids were not invited, especially if they had to arrange child care for a multi-day trip. No dice - still holding a grudge. I have chosen to stay out of the feud, but I absolutely understand my brother and his wife not wanting to go without their kids (not that they don't ever go away as a couple, but they would be giving up their vacation to spend $1000 or so getting to Florida for the wedding).

Bottom line - be prepared for hurt feelings if you choose not to go and decide if you can live with that. My brother wouldn't have knowingly chosen to be part of a rift, but he also can't understand why his choice can't be respected.

As far as your kids not being invited and someone else's being invited, I don't get that at all. I would probably find a reason not to go if it were me. Your kids are old enough to know how to behave at a wedding (not like they are toddlers), and I would be pretty offended if one family member who was 11 got invited and my 11-year old daughter didn't.

Good luck!

 

[Davidsmommy]

I think you should go with your gut feeling. I know, for me, I enjoy kidless events (and I honestly enjoy weddings more without kids). My son was a ring bearor in my cousin's wedding when he was 5 and my daughter was like 9 months old. My daughter stayed home, my son did the ceremony, about 1/2 hour of the reception, and then went home (by our choice). He wasn't having fun. It simply wasn't fun for a 5 year old. Going to grandma's and making ice cream sundaes was WAY more fun for him. Lol

I had kids present at my wedding, and they were fine, but they weren't MY responsibility, you know? Honestly, I would be relieved if I was told it was no kids at any future weddings (until my kids are teenagers). I can get a sitter and have a fun night with my dh.

If you don't feel the same way (and that is fine, everyone feels differently), and it will bother you to be there and see other kids, I wouldn't go. I'd just say something like you don't have a sitter and let that be that. They can hardly expect you go if you don't have a sitter and they aren't allowing kids!

 

[Princess Roo]

Are the DNs the youngest in their nuclear family? Maybe they just didn't want to invite your DD because they thought it would be rude (ruder, LOL?) to just invite one of your kids and felt 6 was too young? Anyways, I'm wondering if you could check and if it's something you and DD could go to together for some girl time while DH and DS have time together?

Some people can be so rude, though. My cousin is getting married in the middle of nowhere, children aren't invited, and they aren't providing any childcare. I'm flying up for it and going without DS and DH because of that. My sister has a friend about an hour from the wedding site who was willing to come watch her daughter, so she and her DH can go. The bride had the nerve to ask if my sister's friend would also watch her bridesmaid's daughter - who my sister doesn't even know! (She said no.) Seems like the bride should be able to find a sitter, and it would be a lot more polite to provide that for her guests if she doesn't want children there. The bride's mom is upset with me since my DH isn't coming - told my grandfather that WE were being thoughtless.

 

[bumbershoot]

Are the invited kids IN the wedding? I've definitely heard of many situations where there are kids in the wedding, but those are the only kids allowed.

I personally don't understand not inviting kids..I invited, by name, every single kid of the adults that were invited to our wedding. I wanted scads of kids there. And we got 4. Two babies (once of which danced with me for an hour, and we call her our baby-curse b/c our DS was conceived that night, LOL) and two kids, and the kids were ring bearer and jr. bridesmaid (and my sister), so would have been there regardless!

But I know that many don't feel the same as me (and they someyimes end up with more kids at their events than we did, lol).

I personally feel that if someone has an exclusive, divisive, invitation, especially one that is far away, they have absolutely NO right to complain about anyone who chooses not to go b/c of it.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Not sure if this will be any help, but here is my experience. My niece (who I am close to and love dearly) got married in Key West and had a no kids wedding (she was from NJ, the rest of the family is scattered everywhere, but no one in Key West). We went and brought my in-laws to watch our kids, because I didn't want to go to Florida without my kids since I knew they would have fun and since I was spending the money to get there anyway. My brother and his wife chose not to go since they did not want to spend all that money (basically their vacation money) and go without their kids, and they didn't want to leave them at home with a sitter for a few days.

That was almost four years ago. My sister and my niece don't speak to my brother and his family since they are so offended they didn't go to the wedding. I tried to explain to my niece that it was her wedding and she could have it wherever she wanted, but she needed to understand if some people chose not to come because it was far away or because the kids were not invited, especially if they had to arrange child care for a multi-day trip. No dice - still holding a grudge. I have chosen to stay out of the feud, but I absolutely understand my brother and his wife not wanting to go without their kids (not that they don't ever go away as a couple, but they would be giving up their vacation to spend $1000 or so getting to Florida for the wedding).

Bottom line - be prepared for hurt feelings if you choose not to go and decide if you can live with that. My brother wouldn't have knowingly chosen to be part of a rift, but he also can't understand why his choice can't be respected.

As far as your kids not being invited and someone else's being invited, I don't get that at all. I would probably find a reason not to go if it were me. Your kids are old enough to know how to behave at a wedding (not like they are toddlers), and I would be pretty offended if one family member who was 11 got invited and my 11-year old daughter didn't.

Good luck!

I know feelings are going to be hurt, but they hurt first by not inviting at least my DD. My main concern is hurting my Aunt and the bride. I don't care about my cousin and his wife, who are the one's that made the decision. I am sure there will be a rift, or should I say a bigger rift then there is now. I don't blame your brother for not going, that was a destination wedding, that was understandable.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Perhaps the children that did go to the shower not officially invited. On a number of occasions, I have seen moms bring their children to these types of events even when they were not invited. It may be that the parents complained and the hostess said yes to keep the peace. I would try to get a sitter so that you and DH can go out and enjoy the evening and perhaps get a night away. If not, I would go only if there were other people there that I knew and would feel comfortable hanging out with.

No, these children were most definitely invited.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I think you should go with your gut feeling. I know, for me, I enjoy kidless events (and I honestly enjoy weddings more without kids). My son was a ring bearor in my cousin's wedding when he was 5 and my daughter was like 9 months old. My daughter stayed home, my son did the ceremony, about 1/2 hour of the reception, and then went home (by our choice). He wasn't having fun. It simply wasn't fun for a 5 year old. Going to grandma's and making ice cream sundaes was WAY more fun for him. Lol

I had kids present at my wedding, and they were fine, but they weren't MY responsibility, you know? Honestly, I would be relieved if I was told it was no kids at any future weddings (until my kids are teenagers). I can get a sitter and have a fun night with my dh.

If you don't feel the same way (and that is fine, everyone feels differently), and it will bother you to be there and see other kids, I wouldn't go. I'd just say something like you don't have a sitter and let that be that. They can hardly expect you go if you don't have a sitter and they aren't allowing kids!

I do enjoy events that don't include kids. What bothers me is I asked were kids invited and I was lied to and told no. Not just any kids, but my DN's, one who is freinds, same age, same school as DD.

I can see the next day at school. Hey Cuz, the wedding was great we had so much fun staying up so late. What do I tell dd, that her cousin's are selfish ******. I do have a sitter, and I need an overnight one, since we didn't want to drink and drive. If I don't go I will tell them the truth, if they ask, which I am not sure if they will. Knowing them they will ask my brother, who will ask my older son. I don't think they will call me directly. But if they do I will tell them the truth. I was told there were no kids and there are kids, just not mine, and that hurts, so my husband and I will stay home, and maybe since it is a 3 day weekend, we will go away. My older sons will be going to the wedding. One of my sons if flying in from CA for this, and it is going to cost him alot. My other son is renting a tux since it is black tie optional.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Are the DNs the youngest in their nuclear family? Maybe they just didn't want to invite your DD because they thought it would be rude (ruder, LOL?) to just invite one of your kids and felt 6 was too young? Anyways, I'm wondering if you could check and if it's something you and DD could go to together for some girl time while DH and DS have time together?

Some people can be so rude, though. My cousin is getting married in the middle of nowhere, children aren't invited, and they aren't providing any childcare. I'm flying up for it and going without DS and DH because of that. My sister has a friend about an hour from the wedding site who was willing to come watch her daughter, so she and her DH can go. The bride had the nerve to ask if my sister's friend would also watch her bridesmaid's daughter - who my sister doesn't even know! (She said no.) Seems like the bride should be able to find a sitter, and it would be a lot more polite to provide that for her guests if she doesn't want children there. The bride's mom is upset with me since my DH isn't coming - told my grandfather that WE were being thoughtless.

LOl, they are being thoughtless, makes you just sit there and go ***!!! Yes, DN11 is the youngest. I would have had no problem if I was told that no one under 11 is invited. I understand that, I would.

Heck, I had no kids at my wedding except for my own and my DN2, who were all in the wedding party. DS's gave me away, and DN was flower girl. I also didn't have kids because of money situations. It was a relatively small wedding, and we didn't have kids. I did have one friend that was hurt by it, but I explained the situation to her.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Are the invited kids IN the wedding? I've definitely heard of many situations where there are kids in the wedding, but those are the only kids allowed.

I personally don't understand not inviting kids..I invited, by name, every single kid of the adults that were invited to our wedding. I wanted scads of kids there. And we got 4. Two babies (once of which danced with me for an hour, and we call her our baby-curse b/c our DS was conceived that night, LOL) and two kids, and the kids were ring bearer and jr. bridesmaid (and my sister), so would have been there regardless!

But I know that many don't feel the same as me (and they someyimes end up with more kids at their events than we did, lol).

I personally feel that if someone has an exclusive, divisive, invitation, especially one that is far away, they have absolutely NO right to complain about anyone who chooses not to go b/c of it.

No, they are not in the wedding party. I heard there is a ring bearer and flower girl and a 15 year old cousin as a bridesmaid, but they don't bother me, they are in the wedding party.

The wedding isn't far away, it is about a 1 hours drive, but the wedding doesn't start till 7:00 PM, so it won't end until 2 or 3 AM. It is also a black tie optional affair, very very fancy. We planned on enjoying the open bar, so we were just going to stay overnight at a nearby hotel. Where I then found out that there was going to be a brunch the next morning for the over night guests.

 

[Davidsmommy]

I can see the next day at school. Hey Cuz, the wedding was great we had so much fun staying up so late. What do I tell dd, that her cousin's are selfish ******. I do have a sitter, and I need an overnight one, since we didn't want to drink and drive. If I don't go I will tell them the truth, if they ask, which I am not sure if they will. Knowing them they will ask my brother, who will ask my older son. I don't think they will call me directly. But if they do I will tell them the truth. I was told there were no kids and there are kids, just not mine, and that hurts, so my husband and I will stay home, and maybe since it is a 3 day weekend, we will go away. My older sons will be going to the wedding. One of my sons if flying in from CA for this, and it is going to cost him alot. My other son is renting a tux since it is black tie optional.

If you think that the cousin will do that (and I could see my kid's cousin doing the same thing, I love her, but she is a kid), then I would simply decline to go.

Personally, I would be more passive aggressive than you are planning - my own issue (lol). I would play dumb - "there are no kids at the wedding, we have kids - no sitter - how could we go???" I mean, they may know you could get a sitter, but they don't know the sitter's schedule for that weekend, etc.

Personally, I am imagining they have some reason for why they want the other kids and not yours. It probably has to do with some other, long forgotten, have nothing to do with the matter at hand perceived slight (like a great uncle 12 generations ago slighted them.....you know, something stupid that is in a family's history....even if it is just in their memories).

If you want to play the game, go for it. I have found, with my more toxic relatives, it is easier to say "sorry can't get a sitter" if I don't want to come or expend the energy dealing with it.

If it was someone I really cared a lot about (in terms of a continued relationship), I would say, "I am confused. You said no kids, yet xxx and xxx are invited and they are kids. That hurts me."

And discuss it from there.

 

[mom2aredhead]

My wedding had 8 kids in the bridal party under tha age of 12. They were all my husband's nieces and nephews. There were no other children invited except for my cousins 2 boys. We are close, and he is a single father (wife passed several years before) who would be traveling over 2 hours to get to the wedding. If it was easier for him to bring his kids, so be it. I did not want him to miss our wedding for that reason. I have several other cousins that have kids the same age, and did not invite those kids. My wedding, my choice to live with. I sleep well every night.
I do not get insulted if my son is not invited somewhere. He's only 3.5. If someone doesn't want any children at an event, or if there are other children in the family that they are closer with that are invited and my son is not, I do not take it personally. I think that may be the problem. Are the bride and groom (or that family) just closer with your nieces? Do they see them more often? If that's the case, it certainly wouldn't be fair to them to NOT be invited to enforce the "no kids" rule if they see them often and are close.
When I get an invite to an adults only event, I simply choose to attend or decline, and that's the end of it. I would not push the issue and force my child on someone that clearly does not want him there.
Think about when you planned your wedding - weren't there choices you had to make that may not have sat well with your parents, in-laws, or someone else? People that had to be cut from the list? You're probably taking this much more personally than your kids would.

 

[java]

Ok. Maybe they didn't want your 6 year old to feel left out? So by not inviting the 2 youngest- they were inviting your 2 oldest?
So 4 people? Or did just you and dh get invited. I am just mentioning that usually there is tons of stuff going on when planning the invite list. Everyone is trying to keep everyone happy. And unfortunatly feelings get hurt. But you don't know the intention.
At my wedding, it was shortly after college. I had 2 old roomies that lived an Airplane ride away. I didn't want them to feel obligated to send me a gift- or to make the expense of the trip. But they were WAY offended! I have been married for 17 years and they still are mad. But honestly I thought I was being nice.
So before you get very very upset, try to think about how many people they are trying to please. Honestly I say just go and have a good time. Your dd won't get upset by it if you don't make a big deal out of it. You don't know the details so I say let it slide.

 

[NJtoATL]

It is the bride's and groom's decision as to who should and should not be invitedto their shower/wedding. You do not know how close they are to those other children. They do not have to explain their decision with you. You should not feel offended. I'm sure you invited the people you wanted as yours.

 

[JoiseyMom]

It is the bride's and groom's decision as to who should and should not be invitedto their shower/wedding. You do not know how close they are to those other children. They do not have to explain their decision with you. You should not feel offended. I'm sure you invited the people you wanted as yours.

It was more then just the bride and groom's decsion, it was the bride's parents. And I asked if kids would be invited, I was told NO, NO children. Not we are not sure, or some, or ....., I was told NO children. And I didn't say they had to explain their decision to me, I even said in my OP that they are entitled to do what they want, it is their wedding.

I don't know how close they are to the other kids?? These kids are my DN's, the bride is my cousin DD, I have known her since the day she was born. I know exactly the sort of relationship going on in my family.

What I asked was whether I should go or not go. I am not trying to get my kids invited at this point. I don't want explanations, I see what is going on. I just need to decide if I go to the wedding or not.

I am leaning towards not going. Like I said, I really don't want to go without DH. My older son's are going, but they will be busy doing what you men do at weddings. I would actually like to go away that weekend, since it is a 3 day weekend, but since my DS is coming from CA, and I haven't seen him in almost a year, I don't want to go away, I want to spend time with him, or as much as he'll let me!! And I know this is gonna cause a major rift, but considering past things, I am like tough! I am tired of being **** on by my family and like enough is enough.

Too bad I am not close(or rich) enough to do a quickie 3 day in WDW!!!

 

[Davidsmommy]

I am tired of being **** on by my family and like enough is enough.

See, this statement makes me think that there is something else going on here, you know? If there is some bad feelings for whatever reason, it might not be weird that this is happening.

I think if this were to come out of left field for whatever reason (and you were to post saying you were totally confused by this turn of events) it would be a little different. But, statements like the one I quoted indicate that something else (and I have no idea what) is going on behind the scenes.

Families are very complicated! I know. But, if there is already issues (since you say you don't want to be **** on AGAIN) - I am guessing it is more than just the deal with this particular wedding - right?

In any case, my earlier advice stands. I would either 1.) not go, claim you have no sitter or 2.) explain you are hurt and tell them why....

or, I will add, 3.) just go and have fun. (without kids).

 

[Frantasmic]

I agree with the above poster.

There are deeper issues here. And the OP seems to want to "give notice" to these issues.

The simple response would be that OP couldn't attend because they couldn't find a sitter. However, the OP is also considering going away for a 3 day weekend during that same weekend. Surely, that news would get out and REALLY make the aunt and bride upset. That would be throwing salt into a wound.

My suggestion, if you want to minimize the damage, would be to simply say that you cannot find a baby-sitter and won't be attending. That will probably get your point across. The aunt will be upset and will know the reason for your being upset.

Don't cancel AND go on a separate 3-day weekend (you can't really say you already had it planned right now). That would really cause a big rift, IMO. But, it seems that you may want to cause a big rift to address the deeper issues.

It appears as if just saying no, I can't go, we can't find a sitter, may not get the notice you are hoping for, so you bring up the 3-day weekend on top of that.

It's your family; it's your grenade you are throwing at it. Decide how big of an explosion you want to have before it is too late.