Family disagreement--wondering if I am right or wrong(long)

[Rock'n Robin]

Today we have a conflict. We were invited to a party for a 1 year old boy 3 hours away.
Background--10 years ago my DH's boss passed away. His sons were then 16 and 13, and their mother was divorced from their father. DH and the rest of the guys at work promised to keep in touch with the boys--only DH did--it is kind of a "Big brother" thing. He taught them to drive, etc. The boys really doted on our kids when they saw them (they moved 3 hours away in about 1996). We had a place of honor at his wedding. He and his wife had this little boy a year ago. We went up there Thanksgiving weekend in a snowstorm to see him. We haven't made it back, not because of not wanting to but my own kids(5,8,11) have their commitments--soccer every Saturday spring and fall, basketball in winter, etc. I love these people but obviously DH is closer to them because when he was taking them to movies, lazer tag, etc. I was home with my then-small children.
DD#1 is in the choir at her school. They are making a CD for the holidays (they do this every other year at the junior high). DD#1 has a solo in the number they are recording. Well, they were supposed to record at 9AM this morning but they bumped it back to 11:15 due to a basketball game in the gym. We were going to leave after she was done.
Well, when DH found out the time had changed (I just found out this morning, DD#1 didn't know about it because she had band yesterday instead of choir) He wanted us to skip it and just come on and go to the party. Well, with DD#1 having a solo I didn't want to do that. 1) it would leave the choir director in a bind and give DD#1 a bad rep with her and 2) aren't our kids and their opportunities just as important?
Long story short--DH is on his way to the party with DD#2 and DS, I am home with DD#1 waiting to go do her recording. I have no idea how to get to their house and I really don't want to drive 3 hours alone anyhow, so I guess I'll be here all day waiting for them to come home late tonight. And I hope they don't decide to stay--those two kids are supposed to sing at church tomorrow!
I guess I"m just looking for a little validation. I know from experience that DH is now going to be a total butthead for the next few days--possibly even Thanksgiving when we have a housefull of people. I just feel that I didn't want to deprive DD#1 of this opportunity. However, because of it I'm in for a rough few days--probably mostly silent treatment, little affection if any, etc. This is how he reacts when things don't go his way once or twice a year. I guess the kids and I will probably be going to church alone tomorrow too, unless he has some kind of epiphany that I do have a point.
Thanks for listening. This is very frustrating and I don't want to lay this kind of stress on the 11 year old.
Robin M.

 

[Pebblszzz]

Can't say if you were right or wrong, since I don't know whose decision it was to do things as you are - but I agree with the way it's being handled - you staying with DD, and DH going off to the party.

So what if they don't make it home in time for church tomorrow? That's not a big deal compared to at least ONE parent being there for DD. One missed Sunday isn't going to send them "down under".

When they finally do drag themselves back home, I'd give them a warm welcome, a nice meal, and lots of hugs & smiles. And don't forget to ask if they had a good time and update them on how things went with the recording session.

JMHO

 

[Pooh93]

I would have handled the situation the same way you did. IMHO, it was the best solution.

When they finally do drag themselves back home, I'd give them a warm welcome, a nice meal, and lots of hugs & smiles. And don't forget to ask if they had a good time and update them on how things went with the recording session.

This is a great idea and I hope that DH doesn't hold any grudges.

I think that's wonderful that your DH has kept his commitment to these boys. He sounds very loyal.

I also think it's quite an honor you dd is getting to do a solo for the CD. Both of you must be very proud.

Hope it all works out.

 

[doxdogy]

I would have handled it the same way. The recording is very important to your DD. I can understand your DH's feeling of commitment to the boys of his former boss. I would definitely greet them with open arms when they come home. I think I would have gone one step further and called the hosts of the party and explained why you and DD weren't going to be there for the party. If DH acts like a butthead when he comes home, then kill him with kindness.

 

[nativetxn]

I would have stayed with my daughter for the recording, especially since she had a solo. I would probably drive up with her afterwards though.

 

[holycow]

You did the right thing by splitting the responsiblities but it sounds like you are resentful for you husband doing good supporting these young men who don't have a father. ....If I were you I would take a drive and have a good time...be thankful your children have a father and that he wants to help someone else out. Be very thankful.


Holycow

 

[BrerMom]

Isn't mom-guilt great? You didn't sound resentful at all to me. You can't make one family member happy in this situation without disappointing another. The only other alternative would have been to leave your daughter with another family that's in choir and you go with hubby. I think your DD needed you, though. I wouldn't have dreamed of telling her she couldn't go given these circumstances. It's good that your DH went to the birthday party, though, because they were expecting him just like the choir director was expecting your DD. Would I drive three hours to join them later? I don't think so.

 

[disykat]

I think you handled it best - dh going with the boys and you staying home with dd. IMO dd might have regretted it for the rest of her life if you had not stayed home - you never know if this might be her only opportunity to be recorded and that is a very big deal. (I'm still kicking myself over missing a solo opportunity at a large concert venue in college 20 years ago!)

If dh decides to be mad about it then he is just plain wrong IMO. Hopefully the drive will give him some time to realize what an important thing this was for your dd and to realize that while it would've been nice for you to all attend the party, best case scenarios are not always possible.

Frankly, depending on the time of the party, I don't know if I'd drive 3 hours (I assume it's each way?) to be late to a one year old's party either. However, if your dh is really going to be a PITA about it, it might be worth a phone call asking for directions.

 

[FreshTressa]

One more vote that that was the best outcome you could hope for! I don't think you need to drive down, it seems a bit excessive.

I would however plan a special trip in the near future to see the baby again. It would be okay to skip some kids activities to spend one day with them.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Sounds like the situation was handled as well as possible.

The thing that strikes me is that you are feeling like your DH may be a 'total butthead' about this???? I personally would be concerned if my DH was going treat me that way because I didn't agree that a friends one-year-old rated higher than his own pre-teen daughter. I could handle him wanting to meet his obligations to the sons of his former boss.... But, NOT being a 'total butthead' to me about it, because, like you, I would definately be putting my daughter first.

Like the other posters said, maybe the thing to do is to just make the best of the situation, and the whole thing will be history the next day! That recording is what will last forever!!! Congratulations to your DD

 

[mrssalvaggio]

If you think your DH might give you the silent treatment, and you don't want to approach him with kindness for fear of being rejected while he's in a mood , then go buy a card. Write a note how you appreciate his commitments, loyalty, etc. (whatever's in your heart), but do not apologize for staying with your DD. It would be wrong for him to drag out an attitude until Thanksgiving because you have YOUR family that should be celebrated with thankfulness. When he walks in give him a hug and kiss, tell him you love him, and give him the card. My DH is the type that wants to immediately make up and unfortunately I can be somewhat of a pouter, so hopefully given some space and time it will help your DH come around more quickly.

 

[polyfan]

Well, it sounds like there alot more understanding wives than me. I would have had a problem with the whole thing. I would not have wanted my husband and other children to drive 3 hours without me, and I don't really see why a 1 year olds party is that important. I realize your husband wanted to supportive, but that was to the children, now it is carrying over to grandchildren. Sorry but I just think you have to take care of your own family first. De these people support your children and come for all their special occasions. JMO, I know I am not the most sympathetic person- sorry.

 

[Disney Doll]

If I were in this situation, I wouldn't have a problem if my DH felt he really wanted/needed to go to this party. I would, however, have a problem with him acting like a "butthead" because I didn't go to the party because of a prior commitment with our child.

Splitting the responsibilities was about the best solution under the circumstances.

I don't tolerate the silent treatment and that kind of baloney from anyone, especially not my DH.

 

[KathyFP]

It is hard to judge right or wrong. All I would say is that you make the best decision you could when considering what you thought was best.

Talk with DH and don't allow this to interfer with the family relationship. Help him understand why you made your decision.

I am sure your DD is happy that you were there for her.

 

[Boston Tea Party]

Hm. A one year old's BD party VS. my own flesh and blood singing solo AND being recorded?? No brainer. My FAMILY comes first.

You have been MOST understanding.

{{{HUGS}}} and good luck!

 

[dianeschlicht]

You definately handled it the right way. Now be sure to handle their homecoming the right way too. It was really the best solution for all.

 

[padams]

One of my co-workers died of brain cancer 8 years ago. She left behind a DH and 3 yo DS. She asked me when she knew she didn't have much time left to continue to include her DH and DS in my family's life (I am married with 2DSs). About a year after she passed away, her DH remarried and moved away. I am not able to see them and I feel like I let her down. I wish I could fulfill my commitment as your DH has. You are married to a great guy. Your children are also blessed that they have such a compassionate father. You should let your daughter know that her dad and siblings missed her concert because her dad is so caring. As for missing singing at church, I think your children will learn a valuable lesson by being there for someone else and keeping a commitment.

 

[poohandwendy]

I think the situation was handled well also. If your husband gives you a hard time about missing the party, just tell him...."I am so thankful that our children have 2 living parents who are able to share the responsibility, especially when two important commitments come up at the same time.'

 

[shortbun]

I agree with Poohandwendy - you are lucky your kids have
2 parents to split these kinds of commitments. I'd do my best
to put things back on a mature level as far as DH when he got
home by saying just what the poster recommended. Dh and I
split sometimes when we're "multi-tasking." It's always been
our way of covering more than one event. If you get your head into a good place, I bet your DH will follow your lead. If not,
move forward and wait for him to resolve his issues quietly.

 

[WilmaBud]

I think you were very understanding. I think it's nice your husband has been there for these people, but the fact is, your immediate family should always come first. It's great that you offered to stay home with your DD and let him go up with your other children. No way would I have driven up 3 hours after the recording to join them, nor would my husband expect me to. As far as your husband being a butthead about it, that's his problem. If he acts that way about this situation and solution, he's being very immature IMHO. I'd ignore him. He'll get glad again. Actually, personally, I'd probably confront him about it and have it out with him, but you sound like that isn't your style. Rest assured, though, I think you've been more than accomodating, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. He has nothing to be resentful of, so don't validate him if he acts like a child about it.