Everybody's favorite VMK Soap Opera, All of My Credits!


Sufferin' Succotash!
Jul 14, 2005
Now that I have your attention,


I'm going to be releasing the fourth episode of All of My Credits in parts, just because this is going to be a big undertaking. Hopefully I'll make it into a radio-type recording when I'm finished :goodvibes

(The screen lights up on an early “Frontierland Hub.” There are no buildings, only scaffolds and rusty cranes. A lone narrator stands in the middle of the stage, leaning on a pedestal that contains a shining key.)

Narrator: In A.D. 2003, war was beginning.

(Two people come out from behind a crane: a captain and a cowboy. A small, red light on the middle of the cowboy’s belt lights up.)

Captain: What happen?
Cowboy: Somebody set up us the bomb.
Captain: What!!

(A pirate steps out from behind a scaffold. He takes a button out of his back pocket and presses it. There is an isolated explosion, and the captain and the cowboy are flung offstage.)

Pirate: Finally, it is time. The Key to the Kingdom shall be mine!

(He runs to the pedestal and grasps for the key, only to be hit by a red laser beam. He is thrust offstage. An astronaut steps out from a scaffold and runs to the key.)

Astronaut: All these years of waiting and planning have finally paid off! The Key shall be mine!

(The astronaut grabs the key and holds it above his head.)

Astronaut: With this key, I will rule the flourishing Virtual Magic Kingdom with the might of 1,000 staff members!

(An explosion of fireworks goes off under his feet, as if by magic. The astronaut flies upwards, screaming, and the key gently floats to the ground. The narrator grabs it in mid-air and puts it back on the pedestal. A sorcerer emerges from behind a crane, takes the Key, and runs offstage. Fade to black.)

Narrator: And now, in 2008, war shall begin again.

(The astronaut from the previous scene hurtles down from space and hits Cardinal’s hammock. The astronaut has been singed from the fireworks and his suit has fallen into disrepair.)

Astronaut: Oh, I am so sorry! I was doomed to orbit around the kingdom for five years by an evil sorcerer who wanted to dominate the world.
Cardinal: Well, next time you fall victim to the cruel intentions of a power-hungry wizard, listen to my advice:
Astronaut: Advice? I could use some advice!
Narrator: Ouch.
Astronaut: Well then, I guess that I won’t tell you about the Key to the Kingdom that’s hidden underneath the Frontierland Hub!
Cardinal (snickering): I think it’s a little too late for that. Key to the Kingdom, sure!
Astronaut: Don’t believe me? I’ll show you proof!
(The astronaut takes off his gloves to reveal the outline of the key burned into his palm.)
Cardinal: Wow. You held that thing tightly.
Astronaut: That key gives its wielder the power to righteously rule the Kingdom. The sorcerer who took it from me was banned 3 years ago, so the Key has returned to its original place… (He continues to babble on.)
Cardinal: Cool. If you don’t mind, then, I’ll begin my dream sequence.

(Cardinal’s dream sequence begins. A bunch of boys and girls are sitting in a circle inside of a burning classroom. They are wearing Haunted Mansion suits and top hats, and are forced to sing a never ending loop of “I Feel Pretty.” Around them, statues of Cardinal are being erected and worshipped. A grown man at the back of the room writes “I will not make any more podcasts” several times on the blackboard in the back of the room. The sequence ends in less than two minutes..)

Cardinal: Okay, then! Let’s go rule the world. What did you say your name was?
Astronaut: Oh, I am a robot that was used to defend Habbo Hotel’s City in the Sky. I am “A Superior Trooper Rounding Our Northern Aerial Utopia of Tomorrow.” My friends call me “ASTRONAUT.”
Cardinal (taking out a script that says “All of My Credits #4” in big bold letters across the front page): Apparently, so do our writers.
Astronaut: Don’t you mean, “writer?”
Cardinal (sighing): Yeah.

(There is an awkward silence.)

Cardinal: Let’s go get the key. (Grabbing the narrator’s arm) Come on, Evoulie, don’t just stand there!
Narrator Evoulie: You’re not supposed to notice me!
Cardinal: Shut up and help me conquer the world!

(The three run towards the Castle Forecourt, where Aengus is dancing inferno. At the forecourt! At the forecourt, yeah, well he danced on inferno at the forecourt.)

Evoulie: Hi Aengus! We’re going to go take over the world! Wanna come?
Aengus: Take over… the world. Are you kidding me?
Evoulie (with growing fervor): Nope! We got this robot thingy from three years ago when everyone was fighting over this magic key in the old Frontierland Hub and he almost got killed but he flew around the Kingdom in his spacesuit and he’s got this really weird mark on his palm from when the key was burned into it and he fell on Cardinal’s hammock and Cardinal got all mad and he was like, “This is my vacation spot!” and the robot was like, “Dude, I could’ve died!” and Cardinal got all, “Don’t ruin my vacation!” and then the robot was all, “You can take over the world!” and then Cardinal was like, “Come on Evoulie. We’re going to rule the world.” and I was like, “OMG let’s tell Aengus.”

(Evoulie looks around him to notice that everyone has fallen asleep.

Evoulie: Who wants pie?

(Everybody immediately wakes up and demands pie. Aengus retreats to the back of the Partners Statue and a dream sequence starts. It is a cold, dark dungeon loaded with microphone and camera equipment. Small children dressed in headdresses and flip flops are chained to the ceiling and are forced to sing “The VMK Rap” for the newest edition of the podcast. Babies are forced to listen to “Hosts’ Revenge” in their sleep: they are being conditioned to become the future staff members of Today in VMK.)

(The dream sequence closes and the screen returns to Evoulie explaining a shortage of pie to Cardinal and Astronaut, while Aengus quietly sneaks into Fantasyland.)

Evoulie (angrily): Well, they only sell Turkey Leg Carts and Churro carts, so I can get you either a churro or a turkey leg.
Astronaut (groveling at Evoulie’s knees): But we want pie!
Evoulie: Go make a pie cart, then!

(Astronaut and Cardinal exchange glances and run into Fantasyland.)

(The following commercial plays. A bunch of kids are playing in a luscious green meadow. An offstage voice is heard.)

Announcer: Hey, kids! Do you love VMK?
Kids (happily): Yay, VMK!
Annoucer: Well, guess what!
Kids (even happier): What?
Announcer: VMK will be closing on May, 21!
Kids: NO!
Annoucer: Yes! But whenever Disney closes a door, it opens a window!
Kids: Oh!
Announcer: Yes! Starting May 22, you can all play in the virtual world of “The Jonas Brothers Online!”

(There is a pause.)

Kids: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(The plants, including the grass, in the meadow die and the kids run into Aengus’ dream sequence. They willingly chain themselves up to the ceiling and begin to sing the VMK Rap.)



Sufferin' Succotash!
Jul 14, 2005

(The stage lights up onto a busy Storybookland. The chorus members are sitting around, chatting, and dancing. Aengus is busy with a pen and paper behind the mine cart.)

Aengus (mumbling): With the revenue I got from…. I could definitely…. Making sure that I can successfully… And then he’ll... Chilled strawberry soup!

(Enter Evoulie, Astronaut, and Cardinal through the Alice in Wonderland tree.)

Astronaut: Who is that behind the mine cart?
Evoulie: I… I think it’s Aengus!
Astronaut: What would he be doing here? I thought he was still in the forecourt!
Evoulie (yelling): AENGUS! You traitor! Come out of there!

(The yelling attracts the attention of some of the townspeople. They stare at Evoulie.)

(Cardinal runs from the tree and towards the mine cart. He accidentally bumps into it, and it rolls into the mine, obviously crushing Aengus.)

Cardinal: I… I… I…! I killed Aengus…?
Chorus: Evoulie killed Aengus?
Evoulie: No! I swear! It wasn’t me! It wasn’t me!

(The chorus marches towards Evoulie, yelling and jeering at him. Evoulie takes a few steps back, and accidentally steps on Aengus. The crowd continues to scream and riot at this heinous act of disrespect. Meanwhile, the mine cart rolls back quickly into its normal position, crushing Evoulie.)

Astronaut (grabbing Cardinal and pulling away from the tracks): Well, at least you didn’t kill Evoulie.

(Cardinal stares at Astronaut, and then at the bodies.)

Cardinal: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Let’s go make pie!

(The two walk off of the stage and the crowd instantly settles down and returns to their mingling, as if the incident never happened. Host_Hurricane and VMK_LoLo run onto the stage through the mine.)

Now, dear Hurricane, my own lover,
do you have any sense of all the troubles
Yavn keeps bringing on the two of us,
as long as we’re alive? All that misery
which stems from these deaths? There’s no suffering,
no shame, no ruin—not one dishonour—
which I have not seen in all the troubles
you and I go through. What’s this they’re saying now,
something our general has had proclaimed
throughout the city? Do you know of it?
Have you heard? Or have you just missed the news?
Dishonours which better fit our enemies
are now being piled up on the ones we love.
I’ve had no word at all, sister LoLo,
nothing good or bad about our family,
not since we two lost both our brothers,
killed on the same day by a double blow.
And since the Astronaut’s army, just last night,
has gone away, I don’t know any more
if I’ve been lucky or face total ruin.
I know that. That’s why I brought you here,
outside the gates, so only you can hear.
What is it? The way you look makes it seem
you’re thinking of some dark and gloomy news.
Will you help these hands
take up Aengus’ corpse and bury it?
You’re too rash.
Has Yavn not expressly banned that act?
Yes. I’ll do my duty to my brother—
and yours as well, if you’re not prepared to.
I won’t be caught betraying him.
(LoLo gently picks up Aengus’ body and carries him off into the distance. Hurricane sighs and takes Evoulie’s body. Fade to black.)


Sufferin' Succotash!
Jul 14, 2005
Act 3

(Yavn’s Fanfare plays as the lights open onto Yavn sitting on a throne in a castle. The castle looks just like you’d expect Yavn’s castle to look like: it is extremely nerdy looking and the walls are lined with posters for video games that you have never heard of. Enter QA_Caffdawg.)

Caffdawg: My lord, are you ready?
Yavn: We’ve been waiting too long. She is becoming resentful of me.
Caffdawg: I shall bring her in.
Yavn: I shall be waiting anxiously.

(Lights fade. Yeah, I know it was a short scene. Lights go up on Hurricane, LoLo, and the bodies of Evoulie and Aengus in a Haunted Mansion Conservatory guest room. Aengus’ body is on top of the coffin and Evoulie has been cast off to the side. The chorus has come to be guests at Aengus’ funeral. Astronaut and Cardinal weep for Evoulie in a dark corner of the room.)

Hurricane: We gather today to mourn the death of Aengus and to observe the death of Evoulie.
LoLo: As we commit Aengus to the ground - we enter this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. We give the body to Yavn’s care.
Hurricane: There has not been a tragedy so great since Jake dumped Haley.

(Flashback to Haley sitting alone in the rowboat in the Blue Bayou. Haley sings “I Cover the Waterfront.”)

I cover the waterfront,
I’m searching the sea,
Will the one I love,
Be coming back to me?

I cover the waterfront,
In search of my love,
And I’m covered by,
A starless sky above!

(Back to the funeral.)

Hurricane (lowering Aengus into the coffin): And now we say goodbye to my favorite brother.
Chorus (with scattered sobs): Farewell, beloved Aengus!
LoLo: …and Evoulie.
Chorus (uninterested): Bye, Evoulie.

(Fade to black. Lights turn onto Lily, who is still sitting in the infinitely busy Ban room. Enter QA_Caffdawg.)

Lily: What do you want from me?
Caffdawg: I don’t want anything from you. Yavn would like to meet with you. You have five minutes to prepare.

(Caffdawg disappears.)

Lily: What does Yavn want with me?

(Lily disappears and reappears in Yavn’s castle. Yavn’s Fanfare plays again.)

Yavn: Lily, you’ve been sitting in that one room for so long. How about I ask you out to dinner?
Lily: You’re asking me out on a date?
Yavn: Lily, I love you.
Lily: You love me?
Yavn: Do the Jonas Brothers repeatedly disgrace the name of music?
Lily (embracing Yavn): Oh, I love you too!

(Pixie dust flies across the screen and Lily and Yavn are instantly sitting in a lavish dining hall. Of course, this is Yavn that we’re talking about, so “lavish” means “decorated with more posters of obscure video games”. The dining hall table is covered with churros, turkey legs, and ice cream.)

Lily: Oh, this is so romantic!
Yavn: I had these churros imported from the Emporium.

(Enter Caffdawg)

Caffdawg: What would you like to drink?
Lily: What do you have?
Caffdawg: Mint juleps and dole whips.
Lily: That’s it?
Caffdawg: Yes.
Lily: I’ll have a dole whip, please.

(Caffdawg does not budge.)

Lily: Excuse me? May I please have my drink?

(Caffdawg refuses to give Lily the drink.)

Lily: Oh, where are my manners? Yavn, do you remember the magic word for this week?
Yavn: Closing!
Caffdawg: Here is your drink, Lily. I hope you enjoy it!

(Lily takes a sip of her dole whip and, seconds later, falls to the ground.)

Yavn: What happened to her?
Caffdawg: I poisoned her!
Yavn: You wouldn’t dare!

(Caffdawg sings “The Queen of VMK,” a ballad.)

Caffdawg (singing): I have been waiting for this day,
The pain I have endured,
It’s time to start my power play,
My role has been assured!

And when you started your soiree,
The poison had matured,
I gave the glass a little spray,
Of arsenic procured!

Now I am queen of VMK,
The title is ensured,
Alone you’ll grand buffet,
As Lily can’t be cured!

(Yavn: Queen? Are you insane? How does this make you queen?
Caffdawg: Read the proclamations, my lord. The Kingdom must have a queen or it will cease to exist!)

Our kingdom law will make this very clear,
Ev’ry girl in VMK is taken,
So you must marry ME, your mutineer,
‘Cause your lady Lily won’t awaken!

(Yavn: I’m not going to marry you!
Caffdawg: Are you going to let 250,000 people cease to exist because of your… selfishness?
Yavn: There has to be a single girl in the kingdom!
Caffdawg: We have eradicated every single one.)

Now I am queen of VMK,
The title is ensured,
Alone you’ll grand buffet,
As Lily can’t be cured!
End of Act 3
  • Cardinal

    Sufferin' Succotash!
    Jul 14, 2005
    I've updated the second post with the beginning of the second act. Enjoy, everyone!


    Also known as Purple Crate Girl ;)
    Jan 13, 2007
    :sad: wait. n-n-no purple crates?!?

    Not cool, dude, not cool. :headache:

    good story though ;)
  • Cardinal

    Sufferin' Succotash!
    Jul 14, 2005
    The long awaited third act has been published! Have fun and remember to comment ;)


    <font color=deeppink>If you are reading this tag,
    Mar 31, 2008
    The rawness gives it it's humor..
    I don't doubt it, but I saw this lalala bright and sunny musical movie tonight and it made me laugh so much and after reading this I got a bit sad.

    No offense.


    Sufferin' Succotash!
    Jul 14, 2005
    I don't doubt it, but I saw this lalala bright and sunny musical movie tonight and it made me laugh so much and after reading this I got slightly depressed.

    No offense.

    The "All of My Credits" series is supposed to be incredibly dry and raw, because it is a parody/satire (it's not really a satire, but whatever :) ) of both soap operas and VMK. It draws its humor from the extremely depressing storyline and its minimal comic relief. It's called dark humor (at least, it's much darker than the extremely light and fluffly place that VMK was) ;) .

    If you want another lalala bright and happy comedy musical, go check out Rodger and Hammerstein's Cinderella. Stay away from the remake with Jason Alexander! :scared1:


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