Ever told you were "too young" to be engaged? (long-ish...)

[Briarprincess]

Sorry if this is long, really!
I've been dating an amazing guy for over 4 years now. He's 20, I'll be 20 next month, and we've known each other since we were 10. He makes me happy, makes me laugh, smile, everything. We already know we're going to get married after college, it's a given. All that's missing is the engagement ring, which I can do without, since we're both somewhat pressed for money right now. The only thing I would like is for him to "offically" ask me, and even that's not a requirement. Last night I was visiting with my aunt and uncle, and they couldn't believe I'm not married yet. They don't get that I want to wait, because I'm not ready at this exact moment to get married, and I'd also loose my full scholarship to college if I was married or moved out of my parent's house. That got them on a whole spiel about how if I'm not ready to be married than I'm too young to be engaged. What?? I don't get that logic. I want to marry this man. I know I do. Even my cousin who is 30 is jealous of how lucky I am to have found the perfect man for me so young. But why would I be too young to be engaged? Isn't having a long an engagement much better than getting married too young? My parent's have no trouble with the notion (except my dad who is a bit off track about what my employment plans are for after graduation in 2 years, but not a big deal).
It doesn't bother me in the least that my aunt and uncle think this way, but it made me wonder- anyone else has ever been told they were too young to be engaged?

 

[Uuaww]

I am also 20, and I see no problem with this at all, but different areas of the US vary greatly. In my high school there were 9-10 girls that were already pregnant, half of them planned; about 20 people were already married or engaged. Some families marry late though, and try the field for a while. The only thing that strikes me is that you are marrying your first love, which might be why they are so shocked. I think 20 is too young for me, but at the same time, I have 3 wedding to go to this summer, 2 as groomsmen. I don't feel they are too young.

 

[Briarprincess]

My high school was the same way. We had more girls pregnant or getting married than those who were on the honor roll. He is my first love, but I know he's it for me. I can't see myself with anyone else, ever. He was my best friend for years before we ever started dating, and we've already been through more than most 30yr old couples. I completely understand people wanting to play the field. My mother's brother did not get married until he was 52. Yet on the other end of that, at my age, my mother was married (dad's about 3 years older), and had my sister about 2 years later. My family is all over the place age-wise about getting married. I was asked right out of high school by my grandfather if I was going to get married and start a family. Um, how was I supposed to go to college, be married and start a family at only 17?? I'm horrible at that level of multi-tasking!

 

[Gaspode]

Hiya,

I've been lucky I guess, no one has really said we are too young to be getting married. I am 24 and he is 27 and we will marry this November. We met at 17 and 20 and have been together ever since (first love for both of us) and I truly believe this is it So I know how you feel. We moved in together at 19 and 22 and I think people thought that a bit young but no one outright said it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you know in your heart what is right for the both of you and I wish you all the very best - don't let the naysayers get to you

Best Wishes,
Gaspodé

 

[Otimon]

Can only tell you my experience for what's it's worth to you!

The fellow I almost married at 20 was nothing at all like the fellow I did marry at 25. What I thought I wanted in a man at 20 was not what I wanted in a man at 25. I changed (further grew up) during that time although no one could tell me that (they tried). Fortunately things didn't work out at 20.

This doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you but the possibility is there and something to think about. Spread your wings for a while to compare. If you and this young man were meant to be, it will happen down the road.

Best wishes.

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Can only tell you my experience for what's it's worth to you!

The fellow I almost married at 20 was nothing at all like the fellow I did marry at 25. What I thought I wanted in a man at 20 was not what I wanted in a man at 25. I changed (further grew up) during that time although no one could tell me that (they tried). Fortunately things didn't work out at 20.

This doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you but the possibility is there and something to think about. Spread your wings for a while to compare. If you and this young man were meant to be, it will happen down the road.

Best wishes.

Oh my word. I could have written this post.

 

[golfgal]

Yes, I heard that from a couple people but I was almost 25 when we got married, out of college with a job, etc. I just laughed at them but I think they thought I was younger then I was.

 

[Pooh67_68]

I got married on my 19th birthday, dh was 20, we just celebrated 20 years in May. We never got the you are too young, but that could be because almost everyone in my family married at 18, 19, 20

I don't think you are to young to be engaged.

 

[helenabear]

A few probably did, but we wound up getting married at 23 all the same. We were engaged (though officially with a ring which I actually paid for... he needed a ring to be engaged and I had the money at the time). We waited until we were finished with college. College is stressful enough w/o adding in trying to start a marriage. So I totally understand your position.

I'm 29 now and we're doing great. No, we aren't the same people we were when we got married or engaged, but we grew together. Not to flame some, but yes people change... but the most drastic changes don't necessarily occur when you are in your 20s. We were both very grounded people and had been taking care of ourselves for a long time. I think I've changed more dramatically in my late teens when I was just dating my DH than I have in the last 7 or so years. So I halfway roll my eyes when people say you are too young and you will change.

Since you've known each other so long, I bet you could say to yourself how neat it has been to watch each other grow up and go through life

Don't worry about it. Knowing you found your person and not wanting to marry until after college shows a lot of maturity IMO. Good luck and best wishes

 

[Pop Daddy]

nope, but I have been told I didnt have enough money

 

[Esmerelda]

I think the problem is you have never had a chance to experience anyone else. These are the best years of your life....meeting new people is very important.

I myself married at 22 (not a HS sweetheart situation). I thought I was doing the right thing...and 16 years later....I totally KNEW it had never been the right thing (and both of my parents encouraged me to wait..and like a doofus head I didn't). It turned out very ugly...even the police were involved. I have been divorced now over 6 years and just recently remarried May of 05. I know this time around I have found the other half of me! We never have to work at 'us'....we just flow! We have been together over 3 years and have never even argued about anything. We are fantastic together. He is most definitely my prince. (did I mention he loves the mouse too?) My boys even call him dad. sniff..sniff

I also witnessed 3 different couples that were together all thru highschool...got married right after HS or right after college. Sadly enough, there isn't one of them still married some 26 years later. The ones I have spoken too said they should have not stuck to one person all those years. I never dated anyone thru HS for that long I'm just relaying what they told me years later.

I wish you luck on your decision....its a very big one. I know from experience...marriage is very easy to get into...but very hard to get out of if you make a mistake.

best wishes,
Esmerelda

 

[Jennasis]

A little OT: but why would you lose a full scholarship if you were married or living on your own???

 

[Disney Doll]

I think your plan to wait to get married until you have finished school and are financially more ready is a good one.

I would urge you to do a lot of soul-searching these next few years, and not get all caught up in the romance of the "childhood sweethearts" thing. Be very mindful of behaviors now that will be magnified over the years.

I will relate a story...I have a friend. Her family and her DH's family had "known" each other for years. All the kids did a lot of activities together, scouting, camping and so on. In high school, she had a date to a dance, who blew her off at the last minute. She asked the son of the friends of the family to go, he did. They ended up dating and getting married, and are married 26 years. Happy ending? Sort of. She is happy, but not without a lot of self-sacrifice on her part. You see, sometimes when you get married too young you fall into the "husband as daddy" trap. It's one thing you want to be careful of. In this case, husband holds the purse strings, and he holds them rather tightly where anyone other than himself is concerned. He treats himself very generously. Wife has to really "justify" every single purchase she makes, there is a lot of what I would consider to be "begging" on her part to be able to purchase something she wants. Of course, he uses the excuse of "we have 3 kids in college" when she wants to make a purchase, but that doesn't seem to be an issue when he wants to make a purchase. And I am not necessarily talking about huge purchases here...generally things that cost under $100. Now, he is a good man in many other ways, so I guess that is the trade-off, but moving from your father's house into your husband's house as a younger woman is something to be mindful of.

So be mindful these next few years. Pay attention to his behavior, pay attention to his family's behavior (if you've ever read any of the in-law threads on the DIS, you know this is a HUGE issue), pay attention to what your gut is telling you. Sure it would make a great story if you marry your childhood sweetheart, but only if turns out to be a great story and not one filled with pain and hurt years down the road.

 

[loveysbydesign]

My dh and I got married when I was 21 and he was 23...we will be celebrating our 10 yr. anniversary in June!!! I suggest that you stay engaged for as long as you feel it's necessary, whether it be for college or financial reasons.
Do what is best for you and don't worry about what other people say!

 

[Conservative Hippie]

DH and I got engaged when we were 22 and 20, and got married when we were 23 and 21. No one in either of our families thought we were too young, and your families are the ones that know you best. DO NOT quit school to get married! You will both still be there after graduation. IMHO (and I'm sure I'll get flamed), if he can't afford to get you an engagement ring, he can't afford to marry you. (Anyone remember the "Daisy" song? "If you can't afford a carriage, you can't afford a marriage.") My DH decided that he wouldn't ask me until he was ready to get married the very next day (which we sort of cheated on, because we were still in school when we got engaged, and knew we wouldn't get married until after graduation). But as far as money and maturity, I think this is a good rule. So if you are not ready for engagement, maybe you should just make a promise to each other.

 

[Beth76]

I'm not quite following your aunt's logic but I will say this. Many people change during college. So while it might not be anyone else's business they still might think you'll "grow up" and move on. Because it happens.

I dated someone in high school (and into college) and we "knew" we were going to get married one day. We were never officially engaged (we weren't in any hurry), but we "knew" in our hearts that we would get married. Well guess what? We grew up a little and changed and decided that we weren't meant to be together. What changed? I have no idea, it just did.

So when people tell you you're too young they might be prying, they might be looking out for your best interest, they might be wrong. But it doesn't really matter, does it?

 

[phisigprincess]

Personally, I don't feel like it's a number thing, it's a maturity thing. I've met some younger people who were very mature and has solid marriages. I've met people who are older and shouldn't have gotten married. What really matters is how mature and realistic you are about marriage. Too many people get caught up in the wedding day and forget there's a marriage that comes with it. Once you reach a point where you're ready as a couple to face things like finanaces, kids, families, etc. and you feel that you're ready then you're not too young.

 

[buddy&wooz]

I was right where you are 23 years ago (ow, it hurts to type that ... anyway...)

I started dating my dh when we were 16 and we got officially engaged at 19. I heard from pretty much everyone that we were too young, but I never questioned our decision once. We waited to get married until we had both graduated college, and I can tell you right now that those years during college were the hardest of my life. We lived about 2 hours apart and saw each other as often as we could but we also nearly broke up at least 4 times and dealt with a lot relationship stuff. But somehow we came through, stronger, and I really think the commitment we made with our engagement had a lot to do with it. Neither one of us was willing to say it had been a mistake.

We've been married 20 years now, and still have a strong, solid relationship. It can work!

But, now the disclaimer- if one of my sons came to me at 19 and said he wanted to get engaged, I can't say I'd be thrilled, only because more often than not it is too young.

But based on my experience- I say ignore the naysayers & follow your heart, just remember it will be a struggle at times!

Best of luck!

 

[MrsPete]

Can only tell you my experience for what's it's worth to you!

The fellow I almost married at 20 was nothing at all like the fellow I did marry at 25. What I thought I wanted in a man at 20 was not what I wanted in a man at 25. I changed (further grew up) during that time although no one could tell me that (they tried). Fortunately things didn't work out at 20.

This doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you but the possibility is there and something to think about. Spread your wings for a while to compare. If you and this young man were meant to be, it will happen down the road.

Best wishes.

I also could've written this post.

When I was in high school I met "the guy". We were happy, happy, happy together, he was exactly what I wanted, etc., etc., etc. Just like you described your relationship. I would've staked everything I had in the world (which, admittedly, at that point wasn't much) that we'd be together forever. We had everything planned out: 4 years of college together, marriage right after graduation, both work 2 years to build up a nest egg, children . . . nope. Once he was out of his parents' house, he changed significantly. Details don't matter, but the changes were not for the better. Turns out he couldn't manage money. He was very angry that I was doing well in school while he was just keeping his head above water. Lack of self-discipline in many ways. At the same time, during college I solidified my ideas of what I wanted from life -- my life is very different from my childhood in many ways I couldn't have anticipated while I was still a child in my parents' house. And one of the first things I realized was that I didn't want him!

This is a VERY, VERY, VERY common situation. MANY people change once they're out of school, out of their parents' house, and on their own. It's not the person's age so much as the lack of . . . this isn't the right word exactly, but variety. The lack of experience, knowledge about what else is out there. You gain confidence and self-knowledge from living on your own. Yes, yes, I know you'll insist that you have that now at 20, but once you're out on your own, you will look back and say, "Nope, I didn't have it yet." You will change in many ways once you're out on your own. I'd encourage ANYONE to live on their own a couple years after graduation prior to marriage.

Sure, the childhood sweetheart thing works out for a few people, but not for the majority. I personally only know two couples who were high school sweethearts. On the other hand, I know lots of couples who were married too soon who are now divorced. Don't be in too big a hurry.

 

[SandraVB79]

I wouldn't let the comment of your family bother you. It's your life!!! I can understand why you want to be engaged, and I can understand why you don't want to be married. And it's none of their business.

Don't let it bother you, and only do the things that feel comfortable to you at a time that is comfortable for you!