Elderly parents and mail

[The Mystery Machine]

Buy them an industrial strength shredder.

 

[jt'smom]

Buy them an industrial strength shredder.

This made me laugh. My inlaws have been on a funny shred kick for years. Even before dementia issues settled in, they have always shredded every little scrap of mail, including tearing the address labels off of magazines they get. The first time I saw my MIL tear the little white address label off her Southern Living and shred it, I asked her why she did it, and she said that someone on Fox News said that people could steal your identity with those little address labels because of the numbers they have across the top, lol. I get so tickled watching them shred stuff, and they have a commercial shredder that they paid a lot of money for, just for this purpose.

 

[Aliceacc]

Eh, if it gives them joy and makes them feel secure, it's well worth the cost.

 

[Nohal]

My grandmother died last month at age 97. My cousin and I have the task of going through her house- yea us!

While we didn't find the solicitation mail, I found every greeting card, invitation or thank you card anyone sent her or my grandfather for the last 50 years. Although it's quite the task, I've enjoyed reading them all and learning more about her life and how many people loved her and seeing how risque some cards were back in the day! And letters! These have been real family heirlooms and treasures to find. Unfortunately, my kids won't have the experience of reading 80/90 year old letters when I'm gone. I'm saving cards my siblings and cousins have her and they will receive some of the cards they sent our grandmother back.

It's kind of funny, but she would give us the money she would have spent on a card to us as part of our birthday gift instead of buying us a card.

We also found bank statements from 1950 to 2016 neatly placed in drawers and closets. And wills and deeds and divorce decrees of my uncle's and business dealings of almost everyone in the family. Quite interesting!

We also are clearing out moms house. She had every card, letter, invitation, thank you, dads pay stubs, for the last 60 years so I feel your pain. Lots of papers to go through. Also paperwork from her mom and her brother who have been gone for over 20 years.

My sister found letters from my father when he was in the service which was back in the 40's we and mom enjoyed reading these.

I agree with the mail the elderly didn't really know how to respond to some of the junk mail. Mom had so many address labels, and stickers from donations she made. She would make donations to many organizations even if it was only $1. So the more checks she sent the more junk mail she would get. My sister finally took over her mail and checkbook because she would misplace bills and they wouldn't get paid about 3 years ago when mom was 89.

 

[MIGrandma]

My Mom got to the point where it was getting more difficult for her to pay her bills, she was getting money orders at the bank and driving all over to pay them in person, or mailing in the ones she couldn't drive to. I tried for years to convince her to let me open a checking account for her and I would take over the job of her bill paying. She finally took me up on it, and I went to visit her at least once a week and she would have ALL her mail on the dining room table waiting for me to go through. Much of it could be thrown away, and I would explain to her what each one was, and then throw them away. Bills I would take home with me to pay.

In October 2015 she moved to a local nursing home (after yet another fall, and having a slight stroke - the nursing saw she had some dementia too) and I had her address changed to mine so now ALL her mail comes to me. Thankfully she doesn't get too much "junk mail" anymore, and almost never has a bill I need to pay (except for her care at the nursing home) so there isn't much I have to deal with. I have given her nursing home address to her friends and family, as some people like sending her cards now and then, but everything else comes to me.

Those who are talking about having to clean out their parents' homes, I had the task of doing that for my Mom when she went to the nursing home. I spent 6-8 weeks going up there almost every weekday afternoon. It was hard to know where to even begin! And I mostly did it all by myself. It was hard to know what to save (she said she didn't want anything!), what to donate to Goodwill and what to throw out. It was too cold at that time of the year to have a yard sale, and I'm not sure I could have handled seeing strangers buying my parents' things, so donating to Goodwill was actually easier. DH came up a couple times to help with bigger things, and then the day we finished cleaning her apartment out our kids/grands came to help load up the furniture and "one more load" for Goodwill. The kids did divide up all of her furniture, to that helped a lot. But I do have a dozen (or more) large plastic totes full of things that I saved. Dishes (some from my grandmother/her grandmother too, aunts, etc.), photo albums, other mementos, antiques, vases, etc. etc. And there were boxes and boxes of greeting cards. I remember spending one afternoon sitting on the floor of her living room going through the boxes. I saved many of them, some were cards that had belonged to my grandmother that my Mom had saved, but did throw some out too. I just couldn't keep EVERYTHING.

The hard part is now when Mom asks for something she remembers from her apartment. Most things I can find and do take to her (she especially requests photo albums) but there have been a few things that I know went to Goodwill and I have to be honest with her and tell her that was an item I didn't save. Or there have been items that I really don't even KNOW where it went, if it did go to Goodwill or if one of the kids/grands took it.

I remember being so GLAD when the job of cleaning out her apartment was DONE and we could turn the keys back over to the landlord. I need to get MY OWN HOUSE in better order, so MY kids don't have to go through so much STUFF when I either have to go to a nursing home or pass away. I know it will be hard to part with some things, but I just don't want them to have to go through everything like I did.

 

[Sadie22]

Be careful about providing shredders. Things that should not be shredded may disappear, making it more difficult for family members who need to take over finances for a household where the person who handled the finances has actually been struggling with dementia-related issues for a while.

 

[scrapquitler]

Maybe you could convince her to let you help her by having your mail forwarded to your house, then you could sort thru it and get rid of all the junk stuff that seems to be overwhelming her?? Then you could help her save all money from the small donations that she keeps making?

My Mom and Dad always donated to many of those things that got them note pads, calendars, address labels and such. After my Mom passed away, I looked thru her log book of checks, and she wrote out $5 and $10 checks to dozens of those groups every year, it was a staggering amount of money that she really wasn't able to afford. After she passed, I had her mail forwarded to my house, and now three years later I still get a few of those solicitations every single week.

 

[powellrj]

My dfil had lung cancer. The evening he went into a coma, he spent spending money. He bought pants and made lots and lots of donations. Our DS bought his condo and almost 10 years later still gets junk mail for him.

We did my parents mail before they moved into assisted living/nursing home. Every time we get a letter in the mail for them, my dh flips out thinking it's a bill. I keep telling him it's junk mail, but he still panics.

 

[DisneyOma]

Shhhh.... There's a bag in the dining room closet full of stuff I dumped off the kitchen counters a decade ago...