Dynamics of your family

[lovemygoofy]

All this talk about Jon and Kate plus 8 and her personality and his personality got me thinking about other families.

I know people have come on here venting that their spouse doesn't do anything around the house or doesn't do it to that person's liking or standard. People who usually "run" the household want things done in their way and in their routine.

I know that it's been interesting in our house just trying to move and unpack and get into a new routine. I don't want my husband's opinion on my kitchen. He comes in and uses it every now and then but for the most part I'm the one working in it everyday. It's no different than I'm not voicing my opinions on how the office is set up. He will be the one working in it for the most part and I want it to best fit him. It doesn't help that we are two dominant personalities but luckily I'm just a bit dominantand can back down or just not start something.

A good friend of mine is very aggressive and expects everything done her way to her standard. She tells her husband how it is and how it will be. He goes alone and does what has to be done. I could never handle that for a partner. I think I'd rather have someone with a contrary opinion or idea than nothing at all.

So in your house, do you expect things done to your standard. Do you give specific instructions on how you want something done or are you happy just having some help? Do you find that you and your s/o are dominant personalities or one is both aggressive or one passive?

 

[SC Minnie]

So in your house, do you expect things done to your standard. Do you give specific instructions on how you want something done or are you happy just having some help? Do you find that you and your s/o are dominant personalities or one is both aggressive or one passive?

We are 50/50. There are something that I like done certain ways and will actually redo them if they are done to suit me. DH is the same way but about other things. After 17 years we have learned what is 'important' to each other as far as what needs to be done certain ways. So, he takes care of the things that he stubborn about and I do the other things my way. There have been very few that we have completely butted head over.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[NMAmy]

DH does his fair share around the house. I would never even think about going behind him and redoing something to my specifications. If he's willing to pitch in without any nagging, then I'm not going to jeopardize that. I don't give specific instructions--he's a grown up and can do things the way that works best for him.

I did put my foot down when he tried to rearrange the kitchen to be more "efficient" (to his way of thinking anyway.) I don't mind cooking and I do about 95% of it. I told him when he started doing 95% of the cooking, then he could arrange the kitchen cabinets anyway he wanted. In fact, I'd even help him. He decided to leave the can opener and the whisk where I like them.

 

[hiwaygal]

I would say I'm a little more dominant than my DH, but he has his moments!

I do like some things done a certain way and for those, I'll tell him. Of course, he's doing most of them while I'm at work so I have no idea if he's really doing it the way I told him to or not. Most of the time I guess it doesn't really matter.

For us the thing is, these are just "things" or "chores" that need to be done and they don't constitute anything all that important in the grand scheme of life. It's not worth it to me to argue over if the forks are up or down in the dishwasher rack (I like them up)...or if the toilet paper comes over or under the roll ...what matters is that we work together to make our lives and our home comfortable and happy for US.

So far so good...

Edited to add: I believe that there are many ways my DH and I complement each others personalities...he is more of a dreamer and I'm a bit more practical but it balances out in the end.

 

[Pakey]

My husband and I have been married 25 years. I used to be very demanding and picky about everything--everything in my home had to be perfect at all times. After I got cancer, my entire attitude about life changed. Now I don't even care if it gets done so I absolutely do not care how it gets done. All help is appreciated. And if nothing gets done, well, it will all still be there tomorrow.

 

[java]

Ironing was the funny one with us. Amost 20 years ago we had just gotten married. And I was doing the ironing for the day- DH says of a shirt I had just ironed "Is this ironed?"
That was the end of my ironing days. If he was so concerned with it he could do it from now on. And he has! (navy hard to break a man of his ironing concerns)

While I am the Type A in the family- He definately has things he likes done a certain way. I am more a Any help is good help type of person.

 

[lovemygoofy]

DH does his fair share around the house. I would never even think about going behind him and redoing something to my specifications. If he's willing to pitch in without any nagging, then I'm not going to jeopardize that. I don't give specific instructions--he's a grown up and can do things the way that works best for him.

I did put my foot down when he tried to rearrange the kitchen to be more "efficient" (to his way of thinking anyway.) I don't mind cooking and I do about 95% of it. I told him when he started doing 95% of the cooking, then he could arrange the kitchen cabinets anyway he wanted. In fact, I'd even help him. He decided to leave the can opener and the whisk where I like them.

The worst argument we've ever had was about being"efficient." Of course it's only efficient if done his way and no other way. Needless to say, I just shut up and went along with his way and when he left for work the next day. I completely rearranged to my liking and left a note on the counter that says when you spend more than 20 mins a day in here you get a vote and until then don't move a thing.

 

[NMAmy]

The worst argument we've ever had was about being"efficient." Of course it's only efficient if done his way and no other way. Needless to say, I just shut up and went along with his way and when he left for work the next day. I completely rearranged to my liking and left a note on the counter that says when you spend more than 20 mins a day in here you get a vote and until then don't move a thing.

I do have a bargaining chip in that DH really likes my cooking. When I told him he could take over, he panicked a bit. So now I'm just inefficient in the kitchen and we're both okay with that. It does drive him insane when I leave the fridge door open when I need several things for just a minute, though. I can see him watching that fridge door from the living room and just trying to stop himself from walking out and closing it.

 

[LuvOrlando]

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[PatsMom]

Around my house the basic rule is that if you want something done a certain way, then you need to do it yourself. DH criticized how I load the dishwasher once about 20 years ago when we were first living together. I haven't loaded the dishwasher since except when he was away or sick.

Mostly he takes care of the kitchen now since he is retired. When he retired, I stopped cooking. And doing laundry. I'm not crazy about the way he folds clothes but I don't criticize (or I'd end up doing it myself!). I was Air Force and I still fold my clothes the way they trained us to in basic training! I think DH folds the way the Navy taught hiim during his basic training.

My office is a mess and he just stays out of here. His workshop is nasty neat. He spent years on submarines and it left him really likeing everything to be in its place.

I don't think either of us is dominant, we just have different things that we care about. When it comes to DD, we definitely share the decisions although I tend to be stricter than he is.

 

[Shyvioletisme]

In our house I generally do most things myself...Sure I sometimes wish DH would do more than just take out the garbage(and only after I really badger him to do so), but he works a full time job and I stay home and do a REALLY part time editing job. It makes sense for me to do most things as I'm home all day anyway. I'm really specific about the way I want things done, so I figure it's just easier for me to do it myself rather than let myself get annoyed at DH if he is trying to do something a different way.

Now, we are both exceptionally passive-agressive, which makes the times when we do get annoyed at each other really ridiculous. and it doesn't help that DH and I think so much alike all the time too. But overall I feel like we have a good dynamic and a really really low amount of turmoil.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I don't have a standard, done is good. If it is not finished, I will finish it up to my liking and vice versa.

If something needs to be specifically done, then both of us say something.

Like with the dishwasher. He likes to stack things in a certain way, I "fit them". If he wants to rearrange, whatever. In fact when we have a ton of dishes I will tell him to finish them off because he can do it better.

Both of us are dominant personalities so we discuss things ad nauseum.

 

[Angelhalo]

We are pretty even. He doesn't care about the set up of the kitchen because he doesn't use it, and vice versa with his office. He has his tasks that he does and I don't care how he does them as long as they get done, and vice versa with my tasks. As long as the house is running and things are getting done we're both happy.

 

[Ciao Mickey]

All this talk about Jon and Kate plus 8 and her personality and his personality got me thinking about other families.

I know people have come on here venting that their spouse doesn't do anything around the house or doesn't do it to that person's liking or standard. People who usually "run" the household want things done in their way and in their routine.

I know that it's been interesting in our house just trying to move and unpack and get into a new routine. I don't want my husband's opinion on my kitchen. He comes in and uses it every now and then but for the most part I'm the one working in it everyday. It's no different than I'm not voicing my opinions on how the office is set up. He will be the one working in it for the most part and I want it to best fit him. It doesn't help that we are two dominant personalities but luckily I'm just a bit dominantand can back down or just not start something.

A good friend of mine is very aggressive and expects everything done her way to her standard. She tells her husband how it is and how it will be. He goes alone and does what has to be done. I could never handle that for a partner. I think I'd rather have someone with a contrary opinion or idea than nothing at all.

So in your house, do you expect things done to your standard. Do you give specific instructions on how you want something done or are you happy just having some help? Do you find that you and your s/o are dominant personalities or one is both aggressive or one passive?

In my home it's always been that I take care of the inside and he takes care of the outside and the two shall never meet, a place for everything and everything in its place...until I got a new job last year.

He trys to help inside, but doesn't do it exactly the way I want, which drives me crazy. Years ago, it would have bothered me more, and it would have caused problems, but now that I'm older and wiser I've learned to let a lot of things slide and just appreciate the help, i.e., I've learned to bite my tongue and keep my mouth shut.

Somehow this man has lived in our home for over 25 years and still does not know where the pots and pans, or anything else goes in the kitchen. So now I'm on a treasure hunt when I need to find my vegetable peeler.

He goes to the store and still comes home with the wrong things even though I wrote it all down on the list I gave him, in big block letters, because he always complains he can't read my chicken scratch handwritting. (But of course he forgot his glasses and couldn't read my list and that was the excuse he gave this time for coming home with the wrong items.)

Then he rearranged my whole pantry so now I can't find anything without having to search for it because he thinks it was disorganized (oh why can't he understand my organized chaos).

And I love how last week he did me a flavor by washing my kitchen floor (first time ever). The only problem was the floor was streaked and splotchy afterwards. "What did you use" I asked? "Oh the pink stuff out in the garage." "What pink stuff in the garage, the only pink stuff out there is car wash!" "Well, I thought that's where you keep the stuff for washing the floor, how was I supposed to know what to use?"

Why would I keep my cleaning products out in the garage and not in the house? You mean you never noticed the Pine Sol or the Mister Clean or the Spin and Span, or all of the other cleaning products under our kitchen sink?

Grrrrrrrrrrrr Don't yell, smile, appreciate the gesture, take deep breaths...

(sorry for the vent)

 

[disykat]

We both like to have control, so we have pretty much divided responsibilities. The person whose "job" it is gets the final say. We are both aggressive. I'm regular aggressive and he is passive aggressive.

My husband grew up in a family that doesn't believe in saying anything bad out loud. However, he gets to do whatever he wants because as long as he doesn't actually voice his complaint he hasn't done anything wrong in his eyes.

 

[ead79]

I'm a germophobe, so I do have things that I want DH to do a certain way (like being careful when cooking with raw meat so the raw meat juice doesn't get all over the kitchen, LOL!). In general, I am the more organized/neater of the two of us, so it's usually me asking him to pick up around his desk or put away the dishes. But as long as I ask politely and respectfully and don't nag, he doesn't mind. I think that might be because he knows if I didn't remind him he'd never notice on his own. I swear he can walk by a huge mess and not be the least bit bothered!

So I guess in general we do things around the house my way since he doesn't seem to have a preferred way of his own. As far as the yard goes, he is welcome to do that any way he wants to since I have no clue about keeping up with it. But I do have to remember not to nag or be rude in my tone since he's great to help out around the house all the time!

 

[hopemax]

Growing up, my Mom was always one who complained about how my Dad did things. So he stopped doing things. Unfortunately, my Mom is the biggest procrastinator in the world, so it meant that nothing really got done, and there were lots of fights about it.

So when it comes to DH and me, I would rather he do things than for things to be done 100% to my satisfaction. There are a few things that I am particular about and so early on in our marriage, I told him these few things I want done X way. Or I just do those tasks myself.

Sometimes it is really, really hard to bite my tongue and it's easier to be in another room while he is doing whatever he is doing. The finished project usually turns out fine in the end, although I know my way would be easier and faster.

 

[HSMndLKfan92]

My mom does all the decorating and figuring stuff out, and then makes my dad do it. My dad can't match anything to save his life, and my mom probably doesn't know the difference between a hammer and a screwdriver. But, it's worked. I help both of them out.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Let me share a little story. In our old apartment we had a living room/dining room combo. Across from the dining room area was the kitchen. DH took the vacuum and basically ran it from the wall of the kitchen in a straight line and proceeded to vacuum the living room rug. When I got home from work I immediately noticed. I asked him why he didn't finish vacuuming the entire rug and he said he had -- he said "I vacuumed the living room." I asked why he didn't bother to vacuum the dining room SINCE IT'S THE SAME RUG. At that point he called me ungrateful. I really do believe men and women are from two different planets, because he saw this as he did a good thing and I saw it as being lazy and doing a half-butted job. My attitude is do it right or don't do it at all. Guess who does everything?

I'm sorry but I see things differently, I guess, than most. How many times when DD was little and I'd pick her up from the sitter and ask where her jacket was and they'd say DH dropped her off without one. When I'd question him he'd say he wasn't sure she needed one. I'd say --did you wear a jacket today? If so, then she needs one too.

I guess personality-wise most would view me very much like Kate and my DH very much like Jon.