Does Marriage Counseling Really Work?

[luvindisneyworld]

Help,We are in a Very bad situation in our marriage right now.
I have an appointment tomoorw night with a counseler.
Those of you that have done this before did it save your marriage?
I want to make it work more than anything.I have been a real ***** for the past 7 years and I have pushed him away and been very ill and hateful towards him to where I really dont think he Loves me anymore.
I take full blame for it and I am so sorry for what I have put him through.I dont know why I have been that way,I just have been through so much.The bad thing is that he is the one that has had to pay for it.
He told me he would not go to counseling with me,but I did get him to say he would think about it.
Please let me know how it worked out for you.I am just so upset and I dont dont to lose My DH and my marriage.

Thanks,
Misty

 

[tiggersmom2]

Hugs sweetie. I think for counseling to work, both partners have to WANT it to work and be willing to change.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[tw1nsmom]

Yes, I think marriage counseling can help. However, it seems from your post that you would benefit from both individual and couples counseling. If you can't convince you DH to go with you, please consider going alone. Even if it's not the cure, it definitely won't hurt, and you might gain some insight as to why you've been feeling the way you have.

 

[Jennasis]

I am so sorry that things aren't going well for you right now in your marriage. I was in your shoes myself (married at 21, in counseling 7 months later...and no it did not work). Unfortunately, for counseling to work, both parties have to want it to work. I had to practically drag my ex-husband to cousneling kicking and screaming (even though the reason I wanted us to go was because I was no longer in love with him becasue he had become emotionally and verbally abusive, cold, distant and quite hateful as soon as we married and moved in together) He insisted I was the one with the problem and that he was fine. He eventually caved and went to counseling. I left him a few months later and never looked back, mostly because he wasn't putting any effort into fixing the marriage and partly because I didn't love him at all anymore (I would have stayed in the loveless marriage and supported my vows even though I did not love him if he TRIED to show me a little love and support).

My older sister is just now in counseling. I hope it works for her. Her husband wants to go. But I think she ahs her mind made up already that she wants out of the marriage.

I feel that in order for marriage counseling to work both parties have to absolutely want to fix things and be committed to fixing it.

 

[MAKmom]

I think you are already well on the road to saving your marriage...if thats what you want. You know what you have been doing & want to stop. If you think counseling will help try it for yourself. But just stop being negative. Bring positive energy into your home. You can do it if you want to.

Please read The Celestine Prohecy it changed my life. I have been where you are. I changed me & it changed my family's life. It is being made into a movie & is very easy to read.

I have a sign in my kitchen THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Go get "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Read it and do it.

Stop being a "B" to your husband. Do and say nice things and have lots of fun in the "evening". In order to connect with him you have to spend evening (or anytime) with him. Men connect on that level.

Counseling works if you are committed to changing.

 

[pearlieq]

Marriage counseling doesn't "work" or "not work". It's not something that is done TO you.

Marriage counseling provides a safe forum and a trained guide to help you and your DH work out your problems.

Marriage counseling is only what you make of it. If you and your DH are committed to working out your problems and willing to talk through them and change both your thinking and your behavior, you will find some helpful ideas and learn some helpful communication tools in marriage counseling.

If either of you is not willing to participate in counseling, not willing to be honest, not willing to communicate openly, and not willing to try to change, all the counseling sessions in the world aren't going to do a thing for you.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[disney junky]

Hugs sweetie. I think for counseling to work, both partners have to WANT it to work and be willing to change.

Exactly. And part of wanting it to work is not dredging up the past. You must vow never to do that, no matter what.

 

[HERSEY]

Marriage is hard work at times. Even if your husband doesn't go with you go by yourself. Yes it works but not overnite. Good luck

 

[cardaway]

IMO it can make a marriage last longer, but that's it.

 

[SideshowBob]

Good luck... hope that it all works out for you...

 

[Tigger&Belle]

Go get "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Read it and do it.

Stop being a "B" to your husband. Do and say nice things and have lots of fun in the "evening". In order to connect with him you have to spend evening (or anytime) with him. Men connect on that level.

Counseling works if you are committed to changing.

I have a question (I should probably use an alter ego to post this, but what the heck). I have this book and was going to read it, but haven't. The main reason is that my DH has been such a PITA lately that the thought of ME making changes and working hard to improve the marriage while he reaps the benefits doesn't sit well with me.

But then I think that that is a selfish way of thinking on my part and that I should read the book and that if our marriage is improved it doesn't matter who does the changing and that the important thing is that change is taking place. Also, I'll think that if he starts to see a positive change that he'll start to work to improve things from his end.

But then something will happen that will again drag us down and I'll get discouraged again. So basically my pissy, premenopausal-self wins--not good.

Since you've read the book before can you comment on my concerns?

And of course I know exactly what you are going to say so why am I even asking?

Sorry to hijack the thread!

 

[hmwnick]

My DH & I had grown apart over the past few years & he came to me & said that we needed work on things or our marriage might end. I was aware that our marriage wasn't all it could be but I didn't realize that he was SO unhappy. Through several unpleasant conversations my eyes were opened. At first I thought, "I'm not the only one that needs to change" & considered holding my ground. Then I realized that was what I had been doing for years & what had gotten us into this fix.

One night, I did an online search regarding marriage counseling & a link for a book came up "Light His Fire". I read all about it as well as comments from those who had purchased the book. I bought the book the next day & read it cover to cover (not that long of a book) & knew there was hope for us. My DH bought "Light Her Fire" & we followed the authors advice. A year later our marrige is stronger than ever.

I hope this l-o-n-g story helps you in some way!

 

[Tigger&Belle]

One night, I did an online search regarding marriage counseling & a link for a book came up "Light His Fire". I read all about it as well as comments from those who had purchased the book. I bought the book the next day & read it cover to cover (not that long of a book) & knew there was hope for us. My DH bought "Light Her Fire" & we followed the authors advice. A year later our marrige is stronger than ever.

I hope this l-o-n-g story helps you in some way!

I guess that's my point and I'd be more enthusiastic about working on things if I thought that my DH was also going to be putting effort into changing a few things. I'll look into those books.

 

[MAKmom]

I have a question (I should probably use an alter ego to post this, but what the heck). I have this book and was going to read it, but haven't. The main reason is that my DH has been such a PITA lately that the thought of ME making changes and working hard to improve the marriage while he reaps the benefits doesn't sit well with me.

But then I think that that is a selfish way of thinking on my part and that I should read the book and that if our marriage is improved it doesn't matter who does the changing and that the important thing is that change is taking place. Also, I'll think that if he starts to see a positive change that he'll start to work to improve things from his end.

But then something will happen that will again drag us down and I'll get discouraged again. So basically my pissy, premenopausal-self wins--not good.



Since you've read the book before can you comment on my concerns?

And of course I know exactly what you are going to say so why am I even asking?

Sorry to hijack the thread!

Just do it.... be a hero! Do not listen to the voice saying why should I do this. Everytime you are close to being successful you will hear those negaitve forces trying to stop you.

 

[Nancyg56]

It worked for us. We had reached a point in our marriage where we avoided each other as much as possible. and when we spoke to each other, it was to criticize. I went to a councelor expecting him to tell me that I needed to lose my DH. Imagine my surprise when he pointed out that both of us needed to work on our own problems, and then learn to work on our marriage. It was not easy for either one of us, and to be honest, it got worse before it got better. But I am so glad that we took those steps. You see, neither one of us was staying in the marriage for the right reasons, and there was so much resentment on both sides. Once we worked on our individual issues, we concentrated on our marriage, and how much we still loved each other. We had lost that for a while.

Whatever you do, you need to do it for yourself. If you decide that a councelor is for you, then go. The rest will follow. Best of luck to you.

 

[hmwnick]

I decided that I had to "Bite the Bullet" & get things rolling. In general the books explain what men/women need to feel loved. They give ideas of ways to help your partner feel treasured. I know it will sounds dumb but I feel like finding this book was divine intervention. I can't say our marriage is PERFECT but we are rock solid. I re-read some chapters as a refresher recently. All of tend to get stuck in our ways & need reminders of what we value the most. I would have done anything to keep our family together. My DH is a thoughtful, hardworking, & loving husband/father. I wish you much success!

 

[disneymom3]

Op, I think you have made great strides in just admitting that you are at fault and need to change your behavior. Please be sure that you have told your DH what you posted about wanting to work things out.

T&B--I know just what you mean about not wanting to be the one to work harder etc. I used to feel that way too and even now sometimes this little voice will tell me that he is the one being difficult so why should I have to do anything to smooth things over. What I have learned however is that marriage is not 50/50. I just do what I feel DH needs because that is my commitment as his wife. When we made our vows I never said, "I will if you will" I just said "I will" So I do. Since I came to this realization, it has amazed me how many times when I am reaching out and being nice even when I don't want to, that it will dramatically change the way DH is acting too.

We have an awesome marriage and I will say that within the last few years there have been times that I was really worried about how we were going to make it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a question (I should probably use an alter ego to post this, but what the heck). I have this book and was going to read it, but haven't. The main reason is that my DH has been such a PITA lately that the thought of ME making changes and working hard to improve the marriage while he reaps the benefits doesn't sit well with me.

But then I think that that is a selfish way of thinking on my part and that I should read the book and that if our marriage is improved it doesn't matter who does the changing and that the important thing is that change is taking place. Also, I'll think that if he starts to see a positive change that he'll start to work to improve things from his end.

But then something will happen that will again drag us down and I'll get discouraged again. So basically my pissy, premenopausal-self wins--not good.

You know...I understand...BELIEVE ME!!!! I am also a pissy premenopausal... Esp. last week!!!!

Do I get pissed at him? You betcha. But that is normally about kids, house and finances. The "business" end of the marriage. Things have to get worked out.

I have seperated that from the "intimate" realtionship I have with him. Men do not connect the two, women do.
When you connect the two it really becomes a power struggle that has no end.

I have NO TIME for that malarky anymore. I want to be happy, cuddle with my dh, have a nice life.

I am sure this makes no sense to you!!!!

 

[luvindisneyworld]

Thanks guys for all your info and encouragement.
I am going to give this marriage all I got and will do everything in my power to make it work.
I just hate it took him 7 years to tell me how he feels.Good Grief I would have left me along time ago.So I know there is hope,whether it just be a 1% chance I am not going to give My DH and My Marriage up.
So all your thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.
You all are Wonderful.
Misty