Does anybody have a good joke?

[Pugsley]

You guys are the greatest -- I knew the DIS would come through! These are great -- now the problem is deciding which one to use!

 

[Bob NC]

The doctor says to his Bill, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is I can cure those headaches you've had for the past 20 years. The bad news is it will require removing your testicles."

Bill thinks long and hard and since he's had unrelenting headaches for 20 years straight agrees to the curative treatment of testicle removal.

Bill leaves the hospital headache free for the first time he can remember. Walking down the street he feels that without his testicles, his life is over. He feels there's nothing else to live for. After walking for miles he decides to make the best of his life. He's going to start over and live the best life he can.

He decides to start his new life with a new suit. He walks into a mens store and tells the tailor, Joe, that he needs a new suit. Joe looks Bill up and down and says, "You are a size 44". Bill says, "Holy cow, you're right, how did you know"? Joe says he's been in this business 50 years and he's good at what he does. Bill tries on a size 44 and it fits perfectly.

Bill says, "Joe, with this beautiful new suit I need a new shirt to go along with it". Joe steps back a little and looks Bill up and down and says, "You wear a shirt size of 16-1/2" neck and 32 sleeve". Bill can't believe it and says, "Thats exactly right, you're amazing, give me a shirt that size". Bill puts on his new shirt and looks wonderful.

Now Bill says, "You know Joe, with this new suit and shirt I feel like I need to get some new underwear too". Joe steps back again and surveys Bill up and down and says, "You wear size 36 underwear". Bill says, "I got you that time Joe, I wear size 34 underwear."

Joe says, "I've never been wrong in 50 years, are you sure you wear 34?" Bill says, "Yep, I've been wearing size 34 for as long as I can remember".

Joe shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would push your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."

 

[declansdad]

Tiger Woods walks into a bar and asks the bartender to tell him a joke.

"ok" says the bartender. What's the difference between you and a harp seal?"

"I don't know, what's the difference" says Tiger.

"Nothing, says the bartender, you both get clubbed by Norwegians."

 

[NYPDwife]

 

[feenie]

What did the Elephant say to the man....
..... "its cute.... But can you pick up peanuts with it?"

 

[wilma-bride]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead find a magic mirror which will suck in anyone who tells a lie.

The redhead looks in the mirror and says "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world"

The mirror sucks her in.

The brunette looks in the mirror and says "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world"

The mirror sucks her in.

The blonde looks in the mirror and says "I think.."

The mirror sucks her in.

 

[DancingBear]

Tiger Woods walks into a bar and asks the bartender to tell him a joke.

"ok" says the bartender. What's the difference between you and a harp seal?"

"I don't know, what's the difference" says Tiger.

"Nothing, says the bartender, you both get clubbed by Norwegians."

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade?

Tiger can drive a golf ball 300 yards.

 

[Piglet843]

What is the Best way to capture a polar bear?

Dig a hole in the ice....
sprinkle peas around it...
when he goes to take a pea...
Kick him in the Ice hole!!

 

[NYPDwife]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead find a magic mirror which will suck in anyone who tells a lie.

The redhead looks in the mirror and says "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world"

The mirror sucks her in.

The brunette looks in the mirror and says "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world"

The mirror sucks her in.

The blonde looks in the mirror and says "I think.."

The mirror sucks her in.