Do you let your elementary kids handle their own problems

[Karel]

I was at my friend's house this morning and she told me about a problem she had at the swim club yesterday.

Her kids - 12 and 9 - had a 'conversation' with a classmate of her 9 yo son. Apparently, the classmate ( a girl) wrote something bad about the 12 year old girl. The classmate said the 9 year old son told her to write it so the 9 yo son confronts the classmate about this. As far as I know, there was nothing physical, just verbal and the classmate retracted her story, saying 'oh, maybe it was so and so..."

Personally, I think it should have ended here. Let the kids resolve things and tell the classmate they don't appreciate the bad mouthing.

Then the father of the classmate rips into my friend, says next time come to us (the parents) and my daughter said she didn't do it, and the mother is really upset at my friend.

I think that's insane. Part of growing up is learning to solve your own problems without Mommy and Daddy getting involved. It's not like a parent confronted the child.

What do you think??

(Understand too, that we live a very small town. Most of the kids know each other - we only have one elementary school of 200 kids.)

 

[mtblujeans]

Prepare yourself for the comments that are coming....

I have posted on this board before that I have tried to help my kids with the skills needed to try to handle situations on their own....whether it be classmates or teachers. I have been ripped repeatedly about this. Mostly Moms.....they think they should jump right in and tear anyone apart that has the nerve to approach their children in any negative way.

Whatever......

Good luck with this one!

 

[luvdzne]

I try to let my kids work it out. I will offer advice on different ways they could handle the situation. I will step in if it is something I feel needs parental assistance though, such as bulling or hitting. But as far as someone writing something mean about them, other than talking to them about how it made them feel and offering ways to deal with it, I leave it up to them.

 

[Hannathy]

I say leave it up to them. This current generation of parents want to solve everything for their kids. They need to learn to work things out on their own and make decisions before they really count.

 

[NMAmy]

Unless it's a physical confrontation, I stay out of it. I may give dd advice on how to handle a situation but that's about it.

 

[ozarkmom]

I think we really need to try and let kids work stuff out. Sometimes the adults have to step in but most of the time the kids have got to learn how to deal with things. Mommy and daddy can't hold their hands all of the time. We have a couple of moms in our town that want to call the parents everytime their kids say boo to each other. Good grief how are they suppose to learn how to cope? If a child is being physically threatened or truly harrassed etc. then yeah you need some intervention.

 

[disykat]

(oops! I tried to edit my post and accidently double posted!)

 

[disykat]

I think in the OP the parent went beyond getting involved, they joined the fight! Weird.

I can certainly see times where if the children are really upset or hurt an adult might have to get involved and help debrief the situation. That is very different than jumping in to solve it, or worse - joining the fight! Children do sometimes need help learning to deal with these kinds of things - dealing with it FOR them doesn't help them learn.

I can think of times where I've stepped in and helped diffuse/debrief an argument between children. I can't think of a time where I've felt the need to join the fray and/or tattle to the parents!

 

[poohandwendy]

Unless it's a physical confrontation, I stay out of it. I may give dd advice on how to handle a situation but that's about it.

Me too, I totally agree.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I have seen this situation go both ways.

Some parents, like the over-reacting and meddling father in the OP, are there to protect their children like newborn babies, and are joining in every little battle.

However, I have seen the complete opposit, where parents say, "let them fend for themselves", even when the situation clearly calls for assistance!!!

As for myself, if the situation becomes detrimental to my childs well being, or if the situation involves an adult(other parents, teachers, etc....), well, you can bet that I will be there.

Children are children. they should not be expected to fight battles that are beyond their years and capabilities.

 

[Karel]

As for myself, if the situation becomes detrimental to my childs well being, or if the situation involves an adult(other parents, teachers, etc....), well, you can bet that I will be there.
Children are children. they should not be expected to fight battles that are beyond their years and capabilities.

I do think that at some point kids need to know how to talk to other parents and teachers.

Just the other day, I had three kids ( 8 or 9 years old) run across the street in front of my moving car. I stopped and told them they need to be more careful crossing the street. I know these kids and had just pulled out of my driveway so I was going slow anyway. Imagine what would have happened if it had been some teenager tearing down the street at top speed.

 

[pigletz]

I think kids should definatly be given a chance to work thinks out on their own. Of course if it's a really serious problem or an ongoing one then the parents should step in. Unfortunatly, I've personally witnessed some extreme behavior by parents in the district where I teach. I've seen parents come to school to fight kids, parents fight other parents on school grounds, and I've even been threatened by a parent with a baseball bat for giving her child a detention.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Goodness Gracious Karel,
I never said that kids should not speak to other adults.
thanks for quoting my comments and taking them entirely the wrong way.

We are talking about 'problems' (disagreements or battles).
And, as far as, "at some point" according to the OP, we are talking about elementary aged children here.

Let's everybody get out the popcorn now!!!

 

[disneymom3]

Unless it's a physical confrontation, I stay out of it. I may give dd advice on how to handle a situation but that's about it.

Yep, I will tell my kids, "Well, maybe if this comes up in the future you could say something like....." Or I will ask what it was that upset them and how they think they could have dealt with it better or whathaveyou.

I also agree with Wishing that sometimes it is more than a kid can handle and if needed I will step in. Or if another parent is ripping on my kid. That stops here, thanks.

 

[AprilShowers]

Oh man....did we recently have an incident where just this thing happened. The end result? DD is not allowed to play with her "friend" anymore.

It seems the friend's mom just can't stay out of it. She even went so far as to go to school, and confront my daughter in the hallway (she's 10) about how she "hurt her daughter's feelings so badly!" It was with wagging finger and nasty tone.

DD came home feeling sad and attacked. What she was trying to do was distance herself from this "friend" because they weren't getting along. We told her to do this. Don't be mean, just take a break from this girl.

WELL the mother couldn't stand it and took matters into her own hands. If the kids were left alone, they would still be friends today.

So DH and I were FORCED to get in the middle because we thought it not appropriate for another adult to attack our DD at school. We also have thought for some time that this lady was a bit unstable.
So because she couldn't let the kids work it out, they no longer can be friends.

 

[TheOtherVillainess]

Personally, if I were you, I'd go to Barnes and Noble (or whatever your local book dealer is), buy two copies of Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads and hand a copy to both parties.

But that's JMO. YMMV.

TOV

 

[Luv'sTink]

As for myself, if the situation becomes detrimental to my childs well being, or if the situation involves an adult(other parents, teachers, etc....), well, you can bet that I will be there.

Children are children. they should not be expected to fight battles that are beyond their years and capabilities.

Exactly! Depends on the situation.

 

[Laurajean1014]

I had a similar experience when DS10 was 4. A kid a year older than him always bullied him and called him small.

So, I told him to go up to the bully the next time he bullies you and say, "you're mistaken."

A day or so goes by and his daycare provider asked me why Greg would say to Bryan, "Your a mistake." Bryan cried for two days!

We did switch daycares (just after Bryan hit Greg with a rock about 1" from his eye).

So, yes, I get involved when the time is right.

 

[paigevz]

I had a situation with a parent like this coming INTO the classroom to verbally attack a 5 year old because she told her son that he "wasn't strong" apparently the day before. She screamed that her son "was strong in Jesus, and we sure know YOU aren't strong in Jesus!" I had to physically place myself between the child and the parent and basically hipcheck her towards the door to get her to stop.
That was the end of my open door policy on parents coming in with kids at drop-off.

But, as in the poster's example above, if she had told the child to say it, and he had done it himself, that is taking care of it himself. To me, that's not really the parent not letting him do it, that's just offering advice. (By the by, if that had happened, I would've asked some questions to see what had happened, and similarly if the parent would've come to me instead of taking it upon herself to scream at the kid..........and if I found it to be a similar problem to others I was having, I could've designed a whole social studies lesson to deal with it..........so much more effective for all!).

If my son has neighborhood issues, I tell him to take care of it or stop hanging out with the kid.

If he has school issues, I tell him the same, but at one point a little girl who was upset with him got a whole bunch of other girls to start bothering him at recess times. He didn't know what to do, so I advised he talk to the teacher about it. He did, and she stopped it.

He's not had any physical altercations to date, and no problems with parents to date. I would step in if an adult became involved.

 

[ZuZugal]

Someone on these boards has a quote in his/her signature that reads like this:

"Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child"

I think it speaks volumes.