Do you go by...it takes two saying yes and one saying no to make a decision?

[TheRatPack]

I've heard that all my life about marriage or partnerships. It takes one no or two yes answers to make a decision. Such as if you want to buy a car but your husband doesn't feel comfortable financing the automobile that ends the discussion....the answer is no.

But if you both want to have children, then fine....go for it. But that you shouldn't try to change the other persons mind or do something without their acceptance because it's just wrong?

I know little things, like my husband says to get the oil changed at one place but it's more convenient for me to change it at another sort of thing.....that's fine because in reality he's glad I got it changed at all. But, for larger decisions like children, vacations....etc it's getting difficult as we get older and don't always see eye to eye

So what is your take on the saying? Do you attempt to discuss the situation with them further and try to bring them around to your point of view? Or do you just let it die, along with any other dream you may have just because one person isn't comfortable with a yes?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Depends on the "no" and what the subject is.

If I am to get the oil changed, he can make a suggestion of where to go but if I am doing it then I will do it where I want. (btw...I have never had to do that, dh takes care of the cars and would never ask me.)

Having kids...the no wins. That is a life altering thing.
Vacations...Wiggle room there.

I think the most important thing is to respect the each other's feelings.

 

[NMAmy]

But that you shouldn't try to change the other persons mind or do something without their acceptance because it's just wrong?

I've never heard the saying before but DH and I--so far--have always been able to persuade the other person to our way of thinking on big issues. One of us may feel much more strongly about something than the other--so we rate it. For example, something might be a 3 for me and a 10 for him--since I don't care too much, I let him have his way and he does the same for me. This is actually how I converted him to Disney vacations!

However, I think there is a world of difference between trying to change the other persons mind and just going ahead and doing something without their acceptance. While I would try to bring dh around to my way of thinking, I'd never just go ahead and do something he was vehemently opposed to.

 

[TheRatPack]

Guess it all goes back to discussing the larger things before marriage LOL Things I wished I'd discussed before marriage:

1)what I wanted to do when I retired
2)that even after having bio kids that maybe I'd like to adopt a few more (older children, not babies)
3)that I wanted 2 dogs....that he finally caved on and now they've both wrapped him around their little paws
4)that I love DISNEY and don't ask me to give it up for the beach LOL

I'm sure there are other things, but more and more are coming up every year that we just never discussed. We've been married 12 years now and every once in a while I'll say something and he'll disagree and I'm just stunned and say "REALLY?" Amazing what you just don't talk about until it comes up.

 

[caitycaity]

Guess it all goes back to discussing the larger things before marriage

that is not always a guarantee. dh and i discussed everything before marriage and now some of our opinions have changed.

 

[Ranatra]

I would probably just keep discussing it. We haven't yet ever really butted heads on anything so far. We're pretty much on the same page most of the time.
I would never do anything big without both of us agreeing and I know he wouldn't either.

 

[Disney Doll]

It depends on whatit is.

Smaller decisins such as paint color...we usually can compromise somehow.

Big decisions such as having children...we discussed that before we married so there were no srprises and I wouldn't have tried to change his mind if he had said he didn't want them, although I may have chosen to end the relationship and find someone whose desire for children matched my own. Really the decision there is "what is more important to you?? Your partner or children?"

 

[SC Minnie]

We discuss things and if I say no then it doesn't happen.

Bigger picture things (big ticket items like cars, vacations, etc) we discuss and have to agree. If it is something I want but not sure if DH will agree I will bring it up several months or more in advance to get him used to the idea. ie-- I want a new car, mine is over 10 yrs old, so I told him I wanted to start looking at news cars NEXT YEAR.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

We've been married 12 years now and every once in a while I'll say something and he'll disagree and I'm just stunned and say "REALLY?" Amazing what you just don't talk about until it comes up.

DH and I are talkers, so we discuss things to ad nauseum. Not an issue for us.
But we both are stubborn, with stubborn kids. So we butt heads all the time.
We have been together for 20years, married 15 of them.

 

[mickeyfan2]

We look at it differently. If we disagree we discuss it. If both have valid points and we will never agree the person who feels less strong about the decision backs down and lets the other have their way. You know that if you back down today then the other will back down tomorrow on another subject.

Using the new car example.
I want a new car and DH says we can repair the old car's transmission with a remanufactured one. I show how my numbers work out and he shows me his. We both look at the others numbers. Neither one of us changes our mind. I see that he really wants to keep his car and I back down and we repair the car. I know that tomorrow I will get my way.

Now kids are a little harder. If you want 4 and he wants none there is no compromise. If you only have 1 you still have a kid, but he now has a kid. So it is not really a compromise, he lost. Now if you want 4 kids and he wants 2 kids, you can have 3 and neither will feel they lost.

 

[Tigger&Belle]

In general, no. It depends more about who has the stronger feelings. Take having children, for example. We knew we wanted to have them and to have more than one. We didn't know exactly how many--that much is hard to decide for sure before having them, but we knew 2-3 at least. We had 2 and then I wanted a third. My DH would have been happy with 2, so I suppose you could say he was a "no" and I was a "yes", but he wasn't a strong no and I was a strong yes. We talked, discussed, and did have a third. And eventually I wanted a 4th. He would have been happy with 3, but I wanted 4 (do you see a pattern? ). But it took NO convincing and his only concern was the size of our house so I said that we would move. Our joke is that he really wanted to move to a bigger house and saw having a baby as a way of reaching that goal. Maybe it's not a joke...

In the end, though, if he had have been a strong "no", the no would have won out because that's a VERY important decision that deserves a yes from both parents. This isn't paint color. Or round vs oval dining room table. This is one of the biggy decisions.

Our biggies are: children, pets, where we live, major purchases (houses, cars), jobs, etc. I don't consult him over which detergent I buy, though. Taht would only irritate him.

 

[ducklite]

My DH generally share the same opinion on things. As far as kids, that wasn't an issue for us, I "came with one" which he legally adopted, and neither of us wanted more. Vacations, one of us will throw and idea out, and if it's interesting to both, we'll discuss it. If the other is dead set against it it gets shelved for the time being--but that doesn't mean things won't change down the line. Then we decide if we can afford to go where we want, or if it will have to wait and we need to find a more affordable spot this year.

Major purchases are pretty easy if it's a car, house, major appliance/electronics, etc. I take care of our finances, he wants to know if we can afford it, and when I say yes, it's a done deal. I usually give him a priace range that we can afford, and then defer to him to narrow it down to a couple models on appliances or electronics, then explain the differences to me and we decide together which is best for us. Houses obviously are done together. Cars are pretty much decided by who will be the primary driver. I wanted nothing to do with buying the Prius, except writing the check. The sales guy kept trying to "sell" me on the car, I kept telling him I really didn't care, talk to my husband. We generally decide together that it's time to replace a car. Both of us would rather take the hit on depreciation than deal with repairs. Many would say it's financialy foolish, but in our situation it's important to have reliable cars.

As far as "toys", I am into photography, my DH plays golf and has some "gadgets". I'll buy a new filter for a lens without even mentioning it to DH, and I don't expect to know if he buys some golf balls. But before I spend $4500 on a new camera body you bet I'm going to let him know I'm doing so--and I would expect the same from him if he were buying a golf club membership.

Often these things are discussed and "negotiated" for several months prior to the purchase happening. The "negotiation" is where things can get interesting LOL!

Anne

 

[Ava83]

Corey and I agree on all the big stuff. We really-in about 9 years together have not swayed in any of that-and by big stuff I mean is number of kids, retirement, money etc.

Stuff like cars and vacations,same thing..we like to travel in the same way and have the same taste (when it comes time to take them our buy them) But timing..I will wait till the time is right (like we are going back to Disney..once we pay off our lot-next Feb we think) That is something I can find no issue with.

Its the little things that we get bogged down in, we will spend days on a paint color (example) to find one we both like.

Now I am not saying our marriage is perfect..we fight over the dumest stuff. I mean dumb. Think of the dumest thing to fight about ever, and I bet we have argued over it We call it fussing, sounds better.

 

[ducklite]

Now I am not saying our marriage is perfect..we fight over the dumest stuff. I mean dumb. Think of the dumest thing to fight about ever, and I bet we have argued over it We call it fussing, sounds better.

Same here! Never the big stuff, it's always stupid little things like his buying three pairs of navy socks when he only needed one, or my buying a pair of $5 flip flops at Target.

Anne

 

[CEDmom]

Honestly, I don't agree with this at all. Although DH and I are partners we're also free thinking adults who had successful fulfilling lives before we met. There are plenty of times that my DH or I haven't agreed with something the other one wanted to do but after looking at the situation clearly we changed our minds. We're buying a new house and that wouldn't have happened without a lot of convincing on my part. DH's initial feeling was no. He on the other hand bought a new car about 6 months ago which I didn't think was a good idea at first but after he explained everything I told him to do what he thought was best. Although DH and I are partners we're also free thinking adults who had successful fulfilling lives before we met.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Although DH and I are partners we're also free thinking adults who had successful fulfilling lives before we met.

Well there is the problem for us....
DH and I were college partiers and never knew "success" or fufillment, ever.
We are just discovering it now after 20 years.
Better late, than never.