Do you give a gift if you can't attend an event?

[mi*vida*loca]

I've never even heard of showers for second or third babies... my (very large) family always throws a baby showers, but only for the first child.

I always send a gift for a wedding. Not sure about a kid's birthday, but maybe a very small toy? Kids' birthday parties these days have gotten out of hand though. I just saw on facebook where I couple I know how are mired in debt (they discuss it openly on facebook) just had a huuuuuuge party with plenty of decorations and food for the child's first birthday. No. When I was one, my grandparents came over for dinner and perhaps a cousin or two. Parents seem to be throwing these parties as an excuse for themselves to have a party now. I saw another couple who had an OPEN BAR at their child's first birthday. Ridiculous.

I'm Latina and all of our parties are like this. lol Be it a babyshower, first birthday, quince, wedding, graduation party, baptism, etc. It's just a big fest at a hall with lots of food, music, dancing and drinking.

We get invited to tons of stuff and I only buy gifts if I attend. It has to be very close family or friend for me to give a gift if I didn't attend.

A lot of our friends and family will do a birthday gathering and will shoot out a text and say "party at my house for my birthday. I have food and some drinks to start off with. If you have anything particular you want to drink BYOB." That means don't bring a gift.

 

[MomToOne]

When DD was in Elementary, the tradition was for everyone in her class to be invited to birthday parties. (Which I was generally in favor of.) We only gave a gift if we attended, unless it was a particularly good friend of hers and we couldn't go - then I'd still get something. I didn't go crazy with the gifts, I kept it in the $10 range at the time but shopped sales to stretch it. I admit the parties were generally bigger than just cake and playing at someone's house, but they weren't overly extravagant either. One year DD had her party at the local bowling alley, one year at the zoo. Other kids had them at jump house places, etc.

Thankfully, my brother and I sort of decided without talking about it that we wouldn't exchange birthday gifts for each other's kids. We exchange Christmas presents, but not birthdays. It just makes things easier. Of my 3 other siblings that don't have kids, only 1 of them gives birthday gifts to DD. One of them sends a card but no gift. One does nothing. I'm good with all 3 approaches, I understand each (of the one that doesn't even send a card, well, you just have to sort of know him - then you'd get it)

All my good friends and I also decided early on not to exchange gifts for our kid's birthdays or even Christmas. We would make an effort to spend time together, generally going out to dinner or something, but not bother with gifts. I held or went to showers for each of their first kids. None of them expected anything for subsequent kids, and I didn't give anything other than maybe taking them a homemade dinner in the first few days after they were born. For my DD, I didn't even have a shower - she was adopted, and word didn't come until a few weeks prior to it all, so there wasn't time (and I didn't know her age until word came). They all pretty much gave a gift individually though after I brought her home.

Today, DD is in High School (time goes so quickly!). I let her decide who she wants to give a gift to, what sort of gift is appropriate, and let her buy it with her own allowance money The most common gift for them to give to each other is a $1 theater box of candy!

 

[powellrj]

I only buy gifts for people I would normally buy a gift for if they weren't having a party.

I use to buy for everything until I got old and grumpy!

 

[kathy884]

Birthday's -- gift only if I can attend. Weddings -- gift if I can attend or if it's a really close friend or family member I want to give a gift to, I do this even if I can't attend.

 

[Shanti]

Back in the period of life where we were invited to wedding after wedding, I always sent a gift/check whether or not we could go. If I was invited to the bridal shower and I couldn't attend- I sent a gift. A FIRST baby shower- I always give a gift. Now everyone's kids are growing up and everyone is having second and third kids. Finances are getting tighter as our own little cherub gets older... etc etc.

We just went to a 4th bday party of a good friend's child. Her third child is turning 1 in early June- just got an invite for that. We were invited to a 2nd birthday party this weekend (can't go), and a "sprinkle" for a girl's second baby. I'm holding a baby shower at my house this weekend for a friend, and have two more pregnant with their second and third kids. AHHH. We have a good group of friends- 10 or so couples, and 7 of our kids were born in the same year! Plus we're in a neighborhood now with a bazillion kids and have gotten close with all the parents (have had a few parties in the few months we've lived here already)- more birthdays are coming, I can feel it. Talk about snowballing.

What do you do? Do you send a gift only if it's a relative? (we have a niece/nephew out of town who just had a bday party we missed and I got them presents of course) Only a relative/good friend's kids? Only if you go to the event? This is getting expensive. Thoughts??

There is never a need to send a gift if you're not going to a wedding, shower or birthday party. Politely decline, and send a sweet note if you want to show your affection. For birthday parties and showers that you attend, token gifts are the most appropriate, anyway. You shouldn't be breaking the bank.

 

[Sagginit]

I'm young and had a ton of weddings and showers in one year. My rule of thumb was if I went to the shower I brought a gift or if I went to the bachelorette I paid my share (which typically was helping cover costs for the bride/event not just myself). I went to either or for that so it was consistent that the friends got money/gift for one or the other. We also as a group of friends had kinda set a budget amongst us when this started to happen so honestly it was all fair and square which made it so easy to decide what to do and what to buy. If I didn't go I don't send things. I missed a baby shower in the fall as it was the last day of my honeymoon. I felt guilty for a while as I forgot to send something right after but I figured I will visit her in the next few months and just bring a nice gift for the baby then.

I think an exception is for a shower you can send something small off the registry or a giftcard these days so if the person is close it is a nice gesture. For weddings if the person is close family or friend then I think its appropriate to send a gift/check then too. I just got married and we were really humbled at how generous some people were to us as we received at least a dozen cards/gifts from people that did not attend.

I am a bit old school with etiquette so while I always bring a gift to a shower, a check per plate to a wedding, and try to bring a little something to a birthday party.... I don't believe in second showers or overly lavish kids birthday parties with registries. I also will not send a gift if the invite is an obvious gift grab and I am not attending as it is socially awkward. How do you know its a gift grab? Well an example is my former step-sister who has not called or texted me once directly since my mother got a divorce 5 years ago had a baby recently. Since then I have had my name put on her baby shower invite and kids first birthday party invite sent to my mother. I was actually told NOT to attend family functions for a while after they got divorced as they thought it would be uncomfortable for me to come, so the fact that they are willing to see me now years later for events that involve gifts is too much of a coincidence to me. On that note I never go tit for tat. If someone is in my life or I can attend their event I bring a gift without expecting things back later. I gave plenty of gifts to people that I never got back, but found when I got married people I never gave anything too that were newer in my life were kind to me.

 

[DreamIsaWish]

Another option that I try to do is to have a stash of super good sale items to gift from when the person is not a really close friend, but I would just feel the need for whatever reason to give a little something. I purchased things when they are on final clearance or black fridays sales. One year when DS was a preschooler, Black Friday sales had preschool games for like 3.00 each. I bought a ton and gave those for birthday party gifts for a few years. I have also purchased art supplies at the almost give away back to school sales prices and create art kits. I watch clearance sales at department sales for baby clothes....... bought some little me and carter for 2.88 recently, and places like Marshals or Tuesday Morning for picture frames. I try to stay consistent with in families....if I buy for one kid...I make sure to buy for all the kids in that family.

I can find good gifts for less than $5 so I'd rather do this than send the cash (and the card which can cost $3 easy). I also have to admit that I'm finding unopened (unwrapped but never used/opened) items in the play room that were originally presents to my older kid (big time spring cleaning). Guess what's going as presents to my younger kid's classroom parties? Yep. The Lego set that was never opened. And I used to stockpile diapers when they were on crazy sale at the drugstores (coupon plus bonus bucks, etc.). I could get a package of Huggies or Pampers for $3.50. Better than $5 cash.

 

[niffer5150]

i used to. i stopped because i felt like i was being nickel and dimed to death, but it wasn't that cheap. some people were registering for really high end stuff. i have really strong feelings about parties and expectations now.

 

[MomToOne]

Well an example is my former step-sister who has not called or texted me once directly since my mother got a divorce 5 years ago had a baby recently. Since then I have had my name put on her baby shower invite and kids first birthday party invite sent to my mother.

I have a good one there too. Once I was invited to a wedding shower, when I wasn't invited to the wedding!!! And no, it wasn't that they had extremely limited space at the wedding or anything else like that - they just thought I wasn't a good enough friend to invite to the wedding. But apparently I was good enough of a friend to expect a wedding shower gift from. Geez!

 

[HopperFan]

This WHOLE expectation and dictation of gifts is really becoming a raw subject for me.

Becoming the queen of RSVP = no.

We have lost touch with the celebration and too much is focused on the "donation" and I am revolting.

I am tired of being invited, being told what to bring and the last three baby showers was told to bring TWO gifts. Showers expect an expensive gift and then they want a wedding gift or baby gift on top of that. I do NO showers. Wedding showers lost their relevance 30 years ago. I had no wedding showers because I don't believe in them. I will not attend them. DH/DD broke down and went to nephew shower where they had to address their own envelope to their thank you and received a generic note. RUDE.

Weddings, don't get me started. Traveled out of town at great expense for 5 of us for above nephew with generous cash gift and custom made gift with it = no thank you at all. Another nephew, no thank you for wedding or first kids gifts. Guess what, the next one (twins) got a card, no gift. 2 strikes and you are out. Another nephew thanks for wedding gift (generic had no idea was large amount of cash plus custom gift) but no thank you for baby gift. But thank you tarnished by fact that my kids were only cousins not invited to wedding.

Baby Shower, don't go. If close family/friend they will get a baby gift when baby is born. Others will get a congrats card.

The only time I mail a gift is to a wedding we do not attend - if they are a close relationship. And if I don't go I don't feel the need to send as much as I would give if we did go.

My kids were permitted to go to a couple birthday parties a year so told them pick wise. They only had family parties for theirs until 5th grade where they could have a big one. DS invited 60 kids, DD took the cash in lieu of party. Next party they got was graduation from HS.

We were honest with many about let's just stop this birthday/holiday gift exchange. The kids have too much as it is, need nothing else and stop putting this on each other.

I constantly tell my kids thank yous for graduation, wedding and baby. IF I find otherwise it will get ugly. Everyone has no trouble addressing the invites to bring them a gift, so why not able to address and write thank yous.

Don't get me wrong I love giving gifts and used to take great pride in selection but 30 years of the deterioration of the process ......

 

[westcoastfldisneygirl]

I do. Usually $25 gift card to somewhere they have registered (Bed Bath and Beyond, Macys, etc).

 

[Pesky]

Wedding: even if I can't (or won't) go, I send a gift.
Shower: don't go, no gift (unless I get suckered into chipping in with others)
Birthday parties: don't go, no gift (unless close friend and I already had the gift and the not going was a sudden thing). This is excluding far away close family -- so nieces and nephews might get something (although we decided on donations a while ago in lieu of presents) but cousins or 2nd cousins don't.

 

[Mo B]

Wedding: Typically I will send a gift
Showers: only on first child
Birthday: only if we attend the party or my nephews/nieces. I usually do not send a gift to friends if we do not attend. When we do attend, we dont try to go above and beyond but usually a gift that can be used for a good amount of time or with other kids.

 

[Marie2016]

If I couldn't go I'd definitely not send a gift. I personally don't believe in second and third and so on baby showers or "sprinkles", jmho.

I do have a suggestion though, if you live in the USA (or near enough) are you aware that target does toy sales twice a year? They do one at the end of June I believe, to get rid of stock to make room for Christmas toys. And they do another in January to get rid of the Christmas stuff. If you google, target toy sale, you will find lots of info on it and predictions about what day it will start etc. Typically they start with 30% off and eventually hit 70% off. When my kids were getting invited to non stop parties I had a large stash of 70% off toys nothing over $10 max. I would even dip into it for my own kids presents. Defiantly save a lot of money as I found going out and buying toys and wrapping etc was at least $25 per party.... Times 3 kids invited all over, too much money for me!

 

[unrequited23]

In our family there is a tradition of mailing a card and a dollar for every year the child has been alive. The kids love to get mail and it's not too pricey yet...My oldest nephew just turned 12.

 

[KarenAylwood]

If I couldn't go I'd definitely not send a gift. I personally don't believe in second and third and so on baby showers or "sprinkles", jmho.

I do have a suggestion though, if you live in the USA (or near enough) are you aware that target does toy sales twice a year? They do one at the end of June I believe, to get rid of stock to make room for Christmas toys. And they do another in January to get rid of the Christmas stuff. If you google, target toy sale, you will find lots of info on it and predictions about what day it will start etc. Typically they start with 30% off and eventually hit 70% off. When my kids were getting invited to non stop parties I had a large stash of 70% off toys nothing over $10 max. I would even dip into it for my own kids presents. Defiantly save a lot of money as I found going out and buying toys and wrapping etc was at least $25 per party.... Times 3 kids invited all over, too much money for me!

I did find out about the Target toy sale but only thought it was over the summer! Good to hear it's in January too. I got some great gifts for DS for xmas in July. I should pick some up then for parties, thank you

In our family there is a tradition of mailing a card and a dollar for every year the child has been alive. The kids love to get mail and it's not too pricey yet...My oldest nephew just turned 12.

That's a great idea- I really like that. I wonder if we could implement that with our niece/nephew...