Do you/did you push your child into an activity?

[Jaimee]

I'm torn about DS 12 and basketball. He's played since he was 5. He always loved it. In our area the kids play through the rec department until middle school, then they can try out for the middle school team. He started middle school this year and made the team, seemed really happy about it, but now he doesn't want to play anymore.

This spring I signed him up for a b ball camp and he was looking forward to it. It starts in 2 weeks and he doesn't want to go now. He understands he is going because it's paid for (and as a single mom it was a lot of money for me..). His dad played basketball in college, but DS is just now getting to know him since he wasn't involved at all until last year. I asked his dad to take him to play at the school where he coaches last week and he did, and DS said it was "OK". I don't know if he's just being a moody preteen, or if he truly doesn't like it.

He's got the classic b ball physique, tallest in his class, he's just about 5ft 10 now. He has ginormous hands and feet He's by no means the best player, but he's not bad. His issue is he's a total gentle giant. He's not agressive at all and often worries he's going to hurt the much smaller kids he plays against. Also one kid who did NOT make the team was teasing DS at school because he doesn't score a whole lot. Since he's so big they stick him under the basket for rebounds most of the game. He tends to pass the ball back out rather than shoot because he's always worried he'll knock someone over.

My worry is that in a couple of years when the testosterone kicks in( and he maybe gets more agressive) and he's starting high school, he's going to regret not playing. I know he can always try out again in the future, but it's a big deal at our local high school and it REALLY helps if the coaches know who you are and if you've been playing every year. He has lots of other interests, but nothing physical (guitar/violin, video games, reading etc).

I moved around way more than a normal kid during my school years and I always regretted not being a part of a team in HS. So, do I "make" him try out in 7th grade, or leave him alone? I think I know the answer, but I feel better asking

TIA

 

[Buckalew11]

My vote is not to push him.

I played ball until HS. I wasn't as aggressive as I needed to be on the court and changed to tennis my sophomore year. Tennis was a great fit for me.

My daughter(16) lived and breathed basketball until about age 14 and it was just over. She had dreams of playing in college and was a very good (extrememly agressive) player. Burned out? Maybe, I don't know but she stopped playing and plays tennis and does athletic training for all HS sports. She is very happy and that is all that matters to me.

I'm sure you'll get lots of opinions but it sounds like b-ball isn't his niche. Just being tall doesn't mean you should be on the team--he'll probably get asked if he plays a lot because of it.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

B-Ball is pretty tough and it sounds like you have described a kid that does not match up to the game.

That said he agreed to play so I would follow through.

I would not push him into another sport after that though. I would ask.

 

[PrincessMomto2]

My now 13 year old daughter was the same way with B-ball. She is also tall but she was not aggressive at all. She didn't want to hurt the smaller players. We figured this out earlier though at around 9 years old. Instead we found her "nitch" and it is swimming. She is a natural was swimming before age 3 and is now on a competitive swim team for the past 5 years. You just have to find the right sport for him. Maybe it will be b-ball maybe something else. Good luck. Let him try it for a while and see what happens.

 

[Jaimee]

Thanks for the replies. I know being tall isn't the key, the best players on his team are actually the little guys! He just looks like he should play lol. I won't push him, but I just don't want him to give up if he changes his mind in 2 years. He did mention an interst is track after trying hurdles in gym class this year. I can't picture his size 13 1/2 (for now) feet making it over one hurdle let alone many, but I'll encourage him to give it a try.

It's probably my dream more than his. I'm just remembering his dad having a full ride to college. DS inherited the body, but not the skills I guess. I think I know in my heart what the right answer is, it just helps seeing it written out.

 

[minkydog]

I vote no also. I think it's fine to make him participate in the basketball camp since it's already paid for(and i'm assuming he was on-board with it at that time.) But I would not push one of my kids to do something they really don't want to do.

Case in point: My oldest, DS23, is very musical. He understands music and can play pretty much anything. He started out on piano and trumpet. I wanted him to join the marching band. I just knew he'd love it--after all, *I* had loved band in HS and in fact, music paid my way through college! But when DS got to 9th grade he stopped playing. I couldn't understand why. He really didn't know why. One day at school a friend played a trick on him and signed him up for chorus. DS played along and lo!and behold, he LOVED it. Go figure. He joined the theater group, too. He picked up a guitar and started writing music. I had to very quickly back off and realize that he was going to go his own way, no matter what I thought. To this day he writes music for guitar & piano, and he's a lead singer/guitar player in a band. So I guess he did okay.

Every child is different. As parents we have to stand aside and let them figure out who they want to be. They have to be given the space to try new things. Some of those things will go by the wayside and some will become lifelong pleasures. Basketball may or may not be in the cards for your son. Perhaps he will be able to discern for himself if you give him room to do so.

 

[bballmom56]

Is he good enough to play on a traveling team or an AAU team? He might find kids that are a little closer to his size, so he wouldn't have to worry about hurting them. And if they are not closer to his size, at that level they are pretty darn aggressive and annoying, so he might not worry about them.

My DS always loved bball (still does, he plays intramurals in college). It was the team dynamics he didn't always love. He had been playing on about 5 different teams in 7th and 8th grade. His best friend decided he was mad at traveling team coach and wasn't going to play on that team in 8th grade. He kept talking it up and getting DS on his side. DS finally said he wasn't going to play either. I knew that was a choice that DS might regret (as the traveling team is closely linked to the HS team). I did not force him to go to the traveling team tryouts (which are just a formality if you have been on the team before), but I kept talking to him about it and talking about the consequences. The best friend was drifting away from DS and I felt DS needed to do what was in his own best interest. DS finally decided he wanted to play, so I had him call the coach and explain why he wasn't at tryouts. Coach was fantastic, understood and allowed DS to be on the team although he couldn't promise him anything about playing time because of the situation. Turns out they had an awesome year, he got plenty of playing time, and he was sent to the all star game. I think it was just tough for him breaking away and going against the best friend.

His HS teams had some up and down years too (mostly down). There was a lot of dissension on the team and with the parents because of the coach and it made for some difficult times. But he stuck with it and he and the HS team had their best season during his senior year. His coach even wrote to some college coaches as he was having 20 and 30 point games.

So I am just wondering if your DS's issue could be with the personalities involved whether it is teammates or coaches. If he truly isn't interested in bball and doesn't have the competitive edge needed, then sure, don't push him. But if he truly loves playing and there is some other dynamic in place that could change, I would encourage him to keep going and try to find another team where he is comfortable. Can his dad talk to him about any of it?

 

[golfgal]

DD15 loved playing basketball up until this past year. She went to basketball camp last summer and the deal was that if you go to camp, for $450, you play during the school year on the high school team. Well, sign up comes and she didn't sign up. I was pretty mad because Dad said it was ok for her not to play-until I reminded him of the $450 we spent because she HAD to go to camp, but it was too late. Basically for her it came down to just not liking most of the other girls--and I see her point. I think she will regret not playing ball in high school but she has other things she loves too.

We also have some friends, who's DD played BB with our DD, who have a gentle giant just like you. He HATES basketball but plays because it is expected of him. He would much rather play golf and be in the marching band but his parents don't see those as "valuable" sports/activities. They don't pay enough attention to the top 10 lists in the school I guess . I know they have these big dreams about their son getting a division I scholarship but I can tell them know, it isn't happening .

Op, let your son try some other activities for a while and see if he can find something he likes better. One year off at his age isn't going to hurt him any.

 

[bigbabyblues]

No, we don't push ours to do any activities they don't want to. However, if they start a season of something, they will finish it; they don't have to play again, but they do have to finish what they start. It doesn't sound like that's the case with your DS, though.

I would encourage track and see how that goes. If nothing else, it's an experience for him, and he just might find his place!

 

[samshane]

No - the only thing I make them do is finish the commitment (like if we signed up and you are 3 games into a 10 game season, you see it to the end). Then next season we don't sign up again.

My problem with my kids is that they tell me that they didn't want to stop an activity because they thought *I* wanted them to do it. I tell them I want them to be happy - and it's less money out of my pocket! Don't do something you don't want to do... heck, do you really think I enjoy driving to all these activities if my child isn't even into it?

 

[bumbershoot]

DS is just now getting to know him since he wasn't involved at all until last year. I asked his dad to take him to play at the school where he coaches last week and he did, and DS said it was "OK".

My dad, one by one, turned two of his three sons entirely off of baseball, just by being him. He desperately wanted at least one of them to play baseball, it was his dream for them, but he was so overbearing about it that my full brother never even tried it (though he could throw the ball crazy fast...I know, I played catch with him!), the youngest half-brother actually quite Little League just as they were heading towards the World Series, and his team was actually doing well. The middle one...he actually liked baseball, but was awful at it. And when our dad coached his LL team, he showed reverse favoritism, and was just awful to the poor boy.

So none of them play it.

There could be something to this sudden change connected to suddenly connecting to his dad...

 

[Mickey'snewestfan]

I think I'm going to be somewhat the voice of dissent here, not 100%, but just offering another perspective.

I'm a single working mother of a boy (think you might be the same, since you talk about his father not being part of his life) who is a year younger than yours, and I feel pretty strongly that he needs to be active in something outside of home/school. For one thing, as he gets older I want him busy afterschool not just hanging around potentially finding trouble. I also want him to build connections to adult males (coaches, teachers etc . . .). Finally, I think he sleeps best, etc . . . when he's getting regular exercise. So, while I wouldn't force my son into a specific sport, or into a specific level of competition, I do say to my kid "what do you want to play this season?" rather than "do you want to play basketball?"

My son will likely choose to play a couple of low intensity sports rather than something like a school team, AAU or travel, because that's his personality, and that's fine, but he knows that my expectation is that he does something.

 

[Merriwind]

I agree with Mickey'snewestfan. Sometimes kids need to be pushed to get involved in an activity.

My DD is 12 and an only child. I do require her to play a team sport. She loves, loves, loves golf and plays a lot, but it's obviously an individual sport. For her team sport, she has chosen basketball. She likes it well enough, but not a ton. Sometimes she doesn't want to play anymore. I just ask if she would prefer soccer next season. We live in FL, so climate control is a big plus for basketball. Given her choice, she would not play any team sport, but I think it's good for her--and it's only 2 hours a week.

If he's interested in track, I would definitely let him try! Good luck!

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

My vote is not to push him.

I played ball until HS. I wasn't as aggressive as I needed to be on the court and changed to tennis my sophomore year. Tennis was a great fit for me.

My daughter(16) lived and breathed basketball until about age 14 and it was just over. She had dreams of playing in college and was a very good (extrememly agressive) player. Burned out? Maybe, I don't know but she stopped playing and plays tennis and does athletic training for all HS sports. She is very happy and that is all that matters to me.

I'm sure you'll get lots of opinions but it sounds like b-ball isn't his niche. Just being tall doesn't mean you should be on the team--he'll probably get asked if he plays a lot because of it.

I was even going to suggest tennis also. While just as athletic, if not more, you don't really need to be as aggressive since you're not fighting over a ball as you would in basketball. Tall people, with their lengthy arms, also do really well in tennis because it takes less energy to do a lot of things.

 

[traviesojmt]

In our house, I don't care what you choose to do, but you have to do something. Sitting at home playing video games or watching TV all day isn't going to cut it. My DS12 has tried football (1 season, didn't like it), basketball (uh, really, really not cut out for basketball), and soccer. Turns out he really enjoys soccer, so he is on the soccer team. He is going to try the cross country team this year, which is opposite season of soccer. He also plays guitar. If it were me, I would not require my son to continue (after season ends) a sport he didn't want to play but he would be required to pick up another activity.

You never know, after a break, he might decide he wants to try out for the team again next year. I wouldn't push him if he is sure that he doesn't want to play.

 

[Jaimee]

Thanks for the different perspectives. To answer some of the questions, yes I'm a single working mom. His dad was not around at all until about a year ago. He never really talks about basketball to DS, so I don't think that was what changed his mind. I thought if they played together he might get back into it.
He was really close with the kids on his rec team, but DS was the only one that made the middle school team, so it might be the new mix of kids he's not liking. He's really kind of friends with everyone, but he's not really a "go team" kind of kid. He's quiet and is never the one jumping around giving high fives, although he congratulates people when the do well.

I'm also of the mind that I don't care what you do, but you need to do something physical!

I am going to see what he decides when tryouts come around. Swimming is a great idea he loves to swim and mentioned he did really well in the swimming section in gym this year.

Thanks again!