Do you check the text messages on teenagers phone?

[Hannathy]

It amazes me that so many parents think that by checking their phones they are going to catch their kids doing stuff. If your child is doing things you wouldn't approve of and they are above maybe 14 do you really think that is going to stop them? that they aren't going to have accounts that you don't know about? under aliases? They or their friends are very tech savy, it isn't that hard.

A young lady committed suicide this spring and after it was discovered she had several identities out on the internet that her parents weren't aware of.
A friend who has always been a "I can and do check any time I want" found out recently her DD has other accounts that she uses with fake names while maintaining the one her mom has been checking sparkling clean.

If they want to keep things from you they will find a way , Just like we did. that's why it is better to teach them how to deal with things and what to avoid way back when they are 8.

I also wonder if you never let them try anything, how will they know how to deal with it when they are 18 and away at school? They should be making mistakes and experiencing things and learning from them now. I would rather they come to me if they don't know how to handle something than to hide it from me and deal with it with no help.

 

[Jacoby 46]

Thank you to all that replied to my question...I really appreciate your answers! It was nice to see a civil conversation without any drama! LOL I find it amazing to read about all the different parenting styles and how they work for each family.

 

[Karlzmom]

One thing kinda related: My son told me the guidance counselor has a questionaire for parents asking questions about how involved we are in our kids lives. I haven't gotten it yet. (He has yet to remember to bring it home. But he said, it saks things like do I ask who he is going places with and "Things like what you do, Mom." So I was happy to hear that he realizes why I do what i do. I am forever saying, "I need names," when he says he wants to go to the movies, etc.

Not sure I'm particularly comfortable with this. Why are they asking? What action do they plan on taking based on the answers? They must plan something...or its just a time waster. We have so switched from the school work for the parents to the schools are the boss. I think that type of a survey is intrusive and violates the privacy of the home. I know there will be people who say "There are some parents...." or "Not everyone is a good parent" but I don't find the fact that some unidentified parent somewhere is justification for the schools to butt into our family life.

On the original question. Absolutely. I check the email and and browser history as well. The electronic age permits the virtual equivalent of dropping your kid in the middle of Times Square and walking away leaving the kid unsupervised for hours on end. Most responsible parents would be horrified at the idea of such conduct. In the same way I won't leave my children to fend for themselves in a big city I won't leave them to fend for themselves in the world wide web/cyberspace.

 

[Styx Fan]

My son is 17 1/2, and with 18 looming so close, I find myself cutting him more and more slack. He is only a junior as he started school late, but I have to keep reminding myself he could be just months from going away. I can do this because he has yet to really screw up in a huge way or lie to me about his whereabouts (and be dumb enough to get caught!).

When he was younger I had all his passwords and did check his phone, computer, etc. And for the most part found them BORING. Really dumb back and forths about nothing. So I checked them less. Then I figured out as another poster pointed out, that he was smart enough to have accounts that I knew nothing about. So I checked even less. I did find a trail of some adult sites on the computer. We talked about it and our reasons why this was off limits and put a password on the computer so he could only use it with better supervision. I thought we were in the clear, then at 16 I found a messaging app he was using that let me in on some of his private stuff. I about had a heart attack. It was just dumb luck I found those messages, but when I could breath I was glad I did. We managed to at least try to re-educate DS again on some issues. The issue went away with no disasters, thank goodness.

DD does not have much in the way of electronics yet, but when she does you bet I will be checking up on her for several years. Just so much more room for trouble in the electronic world than what we grew up with.

 

[Styx Fan]

Unfortunately it seems like a lot of parents, at least around me (in real life), monitor texting and internet activity not from a position of basic safety but more as the thought police. DD12 has a friend who got in trouble for referring to a boy at school as her boyfriend, even though they've never seen one another outside of school, because she's not allowed to date until high school. Another got in trouble for talking about a PG-13 movie she saw at a friend's house, because she's not allowed to see PG-13 movies until she's actually 13. Others have been grounded over language, off-color jokes, or complaints about parents in their texts. And those parents are very clear that they found exactly what they're looking for by checking phone activity - evidence of ANY rule breaking, even something as minor as watching The Hunger Games at a sleepover or lying about finishing a homework assignment. That's a big part of why they've all switched to Snapchat, even though this social circle is on the geeky side, fairly conservative, and very tech savvy/cautious about what they put online. They just don't want to have to keep all their conversations among themselves suitable for parents' ears/eyes.

Wow! I feel bad for those kids and their parents. The parents are going to drive themselves crazy micro-managing every moment of their kids lives. And the kids will just learn to be sneakier. My mom would have been like that when I was growing up if we would have had this technology. As it was she was crazy overprotective and tried to be that way. I was a disgustingly good kid, but I learned ways around things. For instance, I read The Exorcist in the 6th grade. My mom would have freaked had she known. Nothing I did was anymore life threatening than the examples above. Sadly, I had to continue to hone my sneaky skills all through college or my life would have been about like a cloistered nun. Yet, I paid my way through school, never got in any real trouble. I don't want to repeat this with my kids.

I try very hard to use any information I come across as a safety alert or a learning opportunity. It's pretty easy to find a way to casually bring up a topic that you want to discuss based on what you know. I find TV shows are great for entries into different topics.

I have read my kid call me some pretty ugly names and use language that would make a sailor blush. Whatever...not even a blimp on my radar.

 

[ProudMommyof2]

Here is the problem I have. I get people are saying that it's the new form of communication for this generation and our parents didn't listen in on our calls. Every parent has their own style and I get that. I'm not criticizing or saying my way is right. I don't think anyone with a teenager feels like anything they are doing is right. Haha. But my thing is I sooooo wish my mother had listened in on my calls. I wish my mom had snooped! I gave my mother no reason not to trust me. I had a 4.0 GPA through high school. I was respectful. I followed every rule she set. Yet I still managed to sneak around and get involved in very unsafe relationships. There were no signs, no reason for her to check, went to church every sunday, youth group every week, volunteer work. I know I'm not the only one who put on an amazing show as a teenager. I've replayed my actions over and over and there is nothing that would have clued me as a parent to "snoop" on my child if they behaved like I did. Yet Lord knows someone should have!

OMG! This is me!! After 2 older brothers that were frequently in trouble in varying degrees, I was the "good girl" and I think my parents were soo relieved. However, I definitely did some things that could have gotten me in a lot of trouble or put me in real danger. I just wasn't blatant about it! My brother once called me "the smart little kiss up" and my retort was that I was just too smart to get caught- it was very true!

So yes, I check. Not too often but both as witnessed and unwitnessed checks. We also talk about cyber safety all the time! My kids just recently had a speaker/assembly at school re: cyber safety/bullying. My daughter came home freaked about what she learned about how people get around "snapchat" and Instagram safeties (though my kids are not on any social media yet. They had a parent version of the speaker that evening and it scared me how little parents know about the apps/programs their kids use everyday!

Just an FYI re: Iphones in particular. Iphone to Iphone messages are not logged as texts and will not show up on your bill.

 

[dakotix]

There might be an app to auto forward texts to your email. That way you get a report and don't have sneak in and look at their phone. Let them know their texts are automatically handled this way.


Here's one for android: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.intensoft.smstransfer

 

[pryncess527]

It amazes me how many parents are hell bent on preventing their kids from making the same bad choices they made when they were teens. I'm not talking about life-altering things like pregnancy or addiction, I'm talking about the everyday teenage mistakes that the vast majority make, learn from, and move on. Even if we could manage our teens' behaviour to that degree, what kind of generation would those young people who have never learned from a bad choice and never had to face the consequences of their own screw-ups grow up to be?

I agree. I'm so grateful for the mistakes I made in my youth. I'm very glad my mother didn't try to protect me from making them, she always knew I was a stubborn child and she was better off letting me learn things the hard way. That's not to say she didn't step in ever -- she absolutely did! -- but she also gave me a LOT of leeway to fall flat on my face, and I'm a better adult for having picked myself up.

 

[Hannathy]

I agree. I'm so grateful for the mistakes I made in my youth. I'm very glad my mother didn't try to protect me from making them, she always knew I was a stubborn child and she was better off letting me learn things the hard way. That's not to say she didn't step in ever -- she absolutely did! -- but she also gave me a LOT of leeway to fall flat on my face, and I'm a better adult for having picked myself up.

exactly!!

I just don't get how they think that without learning and failing and doing some things wrong and learning not to do them again they are going to be able to magically go away in august to college and know what to do.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

exactly!! I just don't get how they think that without learning and failing and doing some things wrong and learning not to do them again they are going to be able to magically go away in august to college and know what to do.

I agree as well! It was always the kids that grew up in open communication homes with privacy and room to fail that had the most common sense. This was me as well. Now my mom "pried" she would ask who I went places with and who xyz was but she never snooped or spied or demanded access. We always had frank discussions and I knew that real life repercussions were far worse and far scarier than having to deal with my parents. I knew if I ever got into something I didn't know how to solve, I could call my mom. That she may not be happy with my choices but that calling her was always better than getting in a car with somebody who had been drinking or putting myself at risk.

The kids who had parent that did demand access to everything and took it away for non-compliance were the kids best at sneaking and avoiding. They were the kids I knew in collage that failed out or ended up hospitalized from over drinking. There are always exceptions but, those who lived under the "no privacy until you're not on my dime" mentality were the kids I didn't want to associate with once college hit.

To each his own and I mean no judgement. I'm just speaking from my own experiences.

 

[AquaDame]

If they know you're checking texts won't they just make phone calls instead?

 

[edk35]

I went straight to the last page to reply..haven't read the other pages. I have a 23 (dd), 20 (ds) and 15 (ds) year old. I HAVE NEVER checked their texts EVER. Now.....having said that... We have a WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP...my kids tell me things some kids might not ever tell their parents. I feel truly blessed to have such close relationships to all three. My kids have never given me a reason/alarm to check their phones... even when my older two were younger. Our kids have always been extremely busy with activities/sports growing up....great students and seem to always hang out with pretty good kids. I am also facebook friends with all three of them. I guess it depends on WHY you feel the need to check it...mine have never given me a reason to. I think if you have suspicions about something NOT RIGHT...then of course as parents...I see no problems with it if it is something you are truly concerned about. Although I think kids need to learn how to be open with their parents about ALL KINDS OF THINGS..good and bad and when they feel like we don't trust them or think they can't handle certain things that life throws our way.... then they turn to OTHERS to vent and talk about things. That's just my 2 cents.

 

[Hannathy]

I went straight to the last page to reply..haven't read the other pages. I have a 23 (dd), 20 (ds) and 15 (ds) year old. I HAVE NEVER checked their texts EVER. Now.....having said that... We have a WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP...my kids tell me things some kids might not ever tell their parents. I feel truly blessed to have such close relationships to all three. My kids have never given me a reason/alarm to check their phones... even when my older two were younger. Our kids have always been extremely busy with activities/sports growing up....great students and seem to always hang out with pretty good kids. I am also facebook friends with all three of them. I guess it depends on WHY you feel the need to check it...mine have never given me a reason to. I think if you have suspicions about something NOT RIGHT...then of course as parents...I see no problems with it if it is something you are truly concerned about. Although I think kids need to learn how to be open with their parents about ALL KINDS OF THINGS..good and bad and when they feel like we don't trust them or think they can't handle certain things that life throws our way.... then they turn to OTHERS to vent and talk about things. That's just my 2 cents.

agree, I've never checked mine either. Never read their diaries either, same idea to me.

 

[andrews_dad]

Check them folks. Please. Most parents have no idea what is happening online and it is often horrid. I work with kids and families that are broken apart by the bullying, sexting, and related ills that happens online. Outcomes are often dramatic. Suicide. Pregnancy. Drug use. Broken families. Broken hearts. In all my years I've never seen a kid that attempted suicide or started self mutilation because they found out mom was checking their texts behind their back. But daily I see kids whose parents weep, the guilt overriding them as they question how they didn't know and why they did not check the cell or Facebook or Instagram. Only been doing this for 16 years, but from 1999 to 2014 the world has changed so much due to internet and texting. It is nasty, brutal, and hyper-sexed world we are trying to raise kids in. You must look and monitor their texts.

 

[bookgirl]

Not really.

Around here most kids don't text between themselves as conversations. They use an app called KIK.

They all know that their parent's may check their texts but very few parents know about the newest apps.

 

[MichelleVW]

Check them folks. Please. Most parents have no idea what is happening online and it is often horrid. I work with kids and families that are broken apart by the bullying, sexting, and related ills that happens online. Outcomes are often dramatic. Suicide. Pregnancy. Drug use. Broken families. Broken hearts. In all my years I've never seen a kid that attempted suicide or started self mutilation because they found out mom was checking their texts behind their back. But daily I see kids whose parents weep, the guilt overriding them as they question how they didn't know and why they did not check the cell or Facebook or Instagram. Only been doing this for 16 years, but from 1999 to 2014 the world has changed so much due to internet and texting. It is nasty, brutal, and hyper-sexed world we are trying to raise kids in. You must look and monitor their texts.

I'm sure there are crazy things out there but my kids made it thru high school and into college without me reading their text messages. We had open communication and I really saw no need to read their messages.

 

[Hannathy]

Check them folks. Please. Most parents have no idea what is happening online and it is often horrid. I work with kids and families that are broken apart by the bullying, sexting, and related ills that happens online. Outcomes are often dramatic. Suicide. Pregnancy. Drug use. Broken families. Broken hearts. In all my years I've never seen a kid that attempted suicide or started self mutilation because they found out mom was checking their texts behind their back. But daily I see kids whose parents weep, the guilt overriding them as they question how they didn't know and why they did not check the cell or Facebook or Instagram. Only been doing this for 16 years, but from 1999 to 2014 the world has changed so much due to internet and texting. It is nasty, brutal, and hyper-sexed world we are trying to raise kids in. You must look and monitor their texts.

If you are really in this field then I'm sure you will be the first to admit that many of these kids have fake identities and many facebook, tumblr, cell, instagram , you name it that the parents have no idea exist. That the parents do check their phones and facebook, etc except they are checking the ones the kids tell them about. Most parents are completely clueless how technology works and how many ways these kids can get around them. Plus they can use other peoples phones and computers.
All checking to much does is encourage kids to go out and get these identities that no one knows.
The last girl who committed suicide at the high school had identities her parents didn't know about.
A friend from church whose DD threatened suicide was discovered when someone in another state tracked her down after reading her posts and was afraid for her, totally unknown name to her parents, who checked her phone a lot.

You need to talk and listen to your kids, know where they are, what they are doing, who they are with. How they are interacting with their friends. You watch TV in the same room, not all in your own bedrooms, You talk to them a lot. I hate to see Mom's walking around in the store pushing a kid in the cart yacking away on a phone totally ignoring the child. You teach and monitor a lot when they are little. that is when you instill the values and rules for using the internet. you teach them respect and how to make decisions. you let them make some dumb mistakes, you talk about them. you give them some privacy and trust. You give them a safety net to try things out. You tell them about your dumb mistakes and what you would do differently. you talk about things that are life changing and irreversible and what are just fun.

And you don't get all bent out of shape when your teen boy looks at some porn (who didn't?) or you find out your DD didn't go to the mall but drove past her crushes house 10 times. Or texted when they were in bed, or watched a R movie in middle school. Didn't you do anything against the rules? I know I sure did! It made me who I am.

Checking to much just leads to sneaky, lieing kids. I'd rather have open communication built on respect, not power.

 

[anna08]

I'd highly recommend parents attend a talk given by police enforcement and FBI about what to be on the lookout for with today's technology. I consider myself fairly internet/technology savvy, but I was amazed at what they discussed.

Our school district arranged for our local officers to give the talk, and it is very eye-opening to hear what it going on in your own neighborhood.

I don't think it's a matter of trust. It's just a matter of personal safety that extends way beyond what our generation ever experienced. You'd have to be crazy to compare it to anything like we lived with as kids. Our "bullies" we could leave behind at school and feel safe at home. Now they are in our kids' bedrooms.

 

[luvsJack]

I'd highly recommend parents attend a talk given by police enforcement and FBI about what to be on the lookout for with today's technology. I consider myself fairly internet/technology savvy, but I was amazed at what they discussed.

Our school district arranged for our local officers to give the talk, and it is very eye-opening to hear what it going on in your own neighborhood.

I don't think it's a matter of trust. It's just a matter of personal safety that extends way beyond what our generation ever experienced. You'd have to be crazy to compare it to anything like we lived with as kids. Our "bullies" we could leave behind at school and feel safe at home. Now they are in our kids' bedrooms.

But the point to many of us is that our kids would TELL us about the bully, not hide it.

Before dd got a FB account, we talked about that very thing and how important it was to tell someone or do something about it. And she did just that when a problem happened. She told me and then she blocked anyone that the person could get access to her through.

We have to give our kids tools to handle this stuff with, not just hope we find it.