Do housewives ever retire?

barkley

DIS Veteran<br><font color=orange>If I ever have a
Joined
Apr 6, 2004
It was possible that it wasn't a typo. :scratchin :lmao:

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i was happily envisioning a whole 'whistle while you work' montage :teeth:
 

georgina

DIS Veteran
Joined
Apr 21, 2003
I quit work when DD (age 32 now) was born and never ended up going back. DH has always done a share of the household chores, TBH he is a better cleaner than I am. I cook, he does cleanup/dishes. I do laundry, he folds. Once he retired not much changed, except we moved to be close to oldest DD and new grandson. I would never volunteer to watch him full time, we happily helped out some during the first 6 months and now that DD is back at work I have committed to picking him up from daycare one day a week so son-in-law doesn't have to rush home to get him. We will help out when we can if he is sick/can't go to care. My kids did not have nearby grandparents ever so this is a blessing for us.

Everyone's situation is different. I do think household chores should be split and that may be a hard conversation. Good luck to the OP!
 

dvcgirl67

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
Not gonna lie - thought this was possibly about TV "housewives" on Bravo. 8-)

Lol!!!. Me too! I recently watched the Ultimate Girls Trip 2 (great reality for housewives fans if you haven't seen it)....and that led me back to watching seasons 8-12 on RHONY, which is great reality TV (yes that exists)....so when I saw "do Housewives ever retire?".....I thought of Romana. :rotfl2:
 

FamilyGuy

DIS Veteran
Joined
Nov 11, 2004
The division of unpaid labor in the OP's household is terribly askew... someone is stuck in the dark ages (namely her husband). If she felt it was 60/40 on her, then OK (50/50 would be better / ideal, but close to that is acceptable IMHO) - problem is it sounds like 90/10 or higher on her... I suppose many people simply put up with the status quo instead of working on things as a team / asking their partner to step up?!

I wouldn't have an option to have her shoulder the majority of unpaid labor (nor would my son in law or future son in law), other than in times of illness or unusual (and likely temporary) circumstance. If I became physically incapacitated long term, or at least unable to help as much as I should due to a legitimate reason, I would unquestionably hire outside help for her.
 

georgina

DIS Veteran
Joined
Apr 21, 2003
I wonder if this is a generational thing. My son-in-law does most of the cooking in his & DD's household. They have a cleaning service.
 

DeeBee3

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jun 9, 2020
Lol!!!. Me too! I recently watched the Ultimate Girls Trip 2 (great reality for housewives fans if you haven't seen it)....and that led me back to watching seasons 8-12 on RHONY, which is great reality TV (yes that exists)....so when I saw "do Housewives ever retire?".....I thought of Romana. :rotfl2:
I will check it out. I love them all.
 

Simba's Mom

<font color=green>everything went to "H*** in a ha
Joined
Aug 26, 1999
Boy, I guess I'm very fortunate now. When DH was working, he was a plant manager, rarely home. Plus he traveled a lot internationally, so sometimes he was gone 2-3 weeks at a time. But since he retired about 7 years ago, he does all the cooking (I wash dishes), thinks grocery shopping is a "fun outing" so I never grocery shop, and he shares in the household chores. So in a way, we both retired!
 

tasha99

DIS Veteran
Joined
Aug 20, 2006
My stepmom has a housekeeper once a week, and my dad prefers to do a lot of the cooking now that he's retired and has the time. They both do a bit of childcare for my younger sisters who still have kids at home, but they limit that to a day or two a week. I'd say she managed to retire, but mostly because they hired someone to help with housekeeping.
 

barkley

DIS Veteran<br><font color=orange>If I ever have a
Joined
Apr 6, 2004
I wonder if this is a generational thing. My son-in-law does most of the cooking in his & DD's household. They have a cleaning service.

maybe back several generations but i don't think so much so anymore. i do know of some cultures and some religions where if not outright said the unspoken rule is that ALL the duties of the home fall to the women. dh was raised in a faith where to this day that's the norm but that's never been the case in our marriage. we were both raised in households where our moms did the household stuff but from day one of cohabitation we fell into both doing whatever needed to be done to maintain our household (i'm 61/dh is 54, we've been married 31 years).
 

mousefan73

Germans are faster at dubbing
Joined
May 9, 2012
Simplify your life that’s my advice- downsize, outsource . Was keeping you busy as nothing to do with the fact if you were stay at home mom, a housewife or work full-time.

Unless one chooses to “out source” all three of those roles above Involve what you describe what you daily do. Has nothing
to do with “retirement” it’s called basic things called living.

I work full-time and when I retire hopefully one day soon I’m not gonna expect things like laundry, cooking, cleaning my home are gonna suddenly stop too.

As a housewife you took most of these “jobs” because your husband was working out of the home so you just had more time to do it. Now that your husbands also Home I find it fair that he also takes over some of the household items. Whether it’s mowing the lawn or Laundry who cares but I still think that just because he’s retired doesn’t mean he gets to sit on the couch all day while you’re busy running around the house.
 

Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

Chugging along the path of life
Joined
Oct 23, 2015
OP I say this in a genuine way. This is another post of yours discussing things about your husband (the same husband who made plans that didn't include you or for you on your birthday).

Have you sought some counseling? It truly sounds like your husband isn't attentive to the relationship in the same way you are. There needs to be more of a balance between the two of you. Your posts over the threads read like you're shouldering the relationship while he's floating along.

The fact that he thinks you've retired just because he has means he really hasn't been observing all the things you've done over the years.

And when I read the comments relating to your children and their expectations this makes me think you've lived your life pleasing others and doing what you can to meet or exceed their expectations but at what cost? Because it sure seems like you've taken on so much. Have others given back to you??
 

Mackenzie Click-Mickelson

Chugging along the path of life
Joined
Oct 23, 2015
I wonder if this is a generational thing. My son-in-law does most of the cooking in his & DD's household. They have a cleaning service.
My husband does most of the cooking. I enjoy cooking together, he primarily is like "you're in the way" lol.

But I plan most of the meals, we ask each other what we want to do for dinner that night so it's a joint decision but it's usually out of a list of recipes (that I've run past him too so even that is a joint decision I've just picked them out and found new ones) picked out for the time period. I ensure we have the ingredients we need and keep track of things (like I know we have leftover pasta sauce in the freezer whereas my husband likely doesn't remember we do). He typically picks up the groceries though on the way home from work once we do a grocery order. When my husband and I do cook together it often shaves the time down because I'll be cooking the meat while he's doing something else. Now I do the dishes for the most part mostly because I got annoyed by the way he loaded it when the dishes wouldn't get cleaned lol.

On the other hand my sister-in-law her boyfriend is Muslim and he does expect her to do all the cooking and to his specifications.

Then again my mother-in-law has done nearly all the cooking in the nearly 15 years I've known her with my step-father-in-law for the most part sitting and watching tv. Only thing he does do is the grilling (mostly steaks) although there's some random things here and there he does. We wish she would let us help more.

My best friend I think her issue was she never really discussed the arrangements so she would cook and place the food in front of her husband who often was just lounging watching tv (wouldn't even discuss what they were having for dinner) then she would complain to me that he would never help out

It seems sorta all over the place. My husband and I def. don't have the whole gendered thing with cooking but it isn't as if I just sit around and do nothing just because he primarily cooks. As with a lot of things in our household I'd say I'm doing a lot of the background stuff. At times that has led to my husband not necessarily seeing things. Like he even said a few months back "sometimes I don't even notice you vacuumed" well that's largely because of the carpet which is blended in colors so may not look vacuumed but it doesn't mean I didn't do it. Or that I keep track of washing the bedding and the towels, etc. In that sense it's not gendered roles that come into play just that many of the tasks I do are background not foreground, the cogs run in the household because of that. Whoever does the tasks I think that can be the gripe and it isn't as if that hasn't come up in our household. Sounds like in the OP's household the cogs are running because of her but who is actually noticing that because I'm not sure her husband or her kids are.
 

lisaviolet

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jul 9, 2002
Nope, I know what you mean. Husband retired 2 years ago and has really interrupted the flow of my routines too.
Totally off topic but I lived in Japan for a while, long time ago so I am sure that things have changed.

But I was told that when men retired there it was a very stressful time in life, for everyone. But especially for the man. He became odd man out. Men work (or worked) insanely long hours there and then were often expected to socialize with their boss & colleagues after those long hours. So when he retires, life had gone on at home without him and it was like he was not part of the dynamic at all.
 
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dvcgirl67

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jan 8, 2020
I wonder if this is a generational thing. My son-in-law does most of the cooking in his & DD's household. They have a cleaning service.

I think it may be to a certain degree....not sure the age of the OP. But her marriage seems kind of "old school". My husband and I just kind of naturally fell into what chores we do. I feed the dogs and give all meds (and there's a lot of them...including pills, liquids and insulin shots.). I take them to the vet...all of that stuff. I do the grocery shopping and cooking. I do the laundry. He cleans the house, loads, empties dishwasher, takes out the garbage and deals with any and all electronic, tech issues. He also handles all of the maintenance issues in the house....himself or calling the appropriate service.

We had a cleaning service for a couple of years because I really hate cleaning the house and we had the means to hire cleaners. But my husband found it disruptive...he works from home. And so I said...ok, no problem, we can drop the cleaning service, but I'm not doing it...lol. And he was fine with that and has been cleaning the house ever since. I'd say he cleans the house every couple of weeks. He also pays our monthly bills. On an hourly basis....I probably do more, but his career is more demanding/stressful than mine...and he works more hours as well. It all kind of fell into place organically, and we've never had a fight over chores...not even one. My sister and her husband fought soooo much early in their marriage over chores that I honestly wondered if their marriage would survive. It's still a source for arguments and they've been married for 18 years.
 

lisaviolet

DIS Veteran
Joined
Jul 9, 2002
OP, I honestly took your husband's comment as a bonding moment on his side. As in his way of saying you were both together in this new phase.

I realize that you are not, in many ways. And my thoughts are separate from the matter at hand - obviously you are tired and/or not feeling appreciated. But it is just how I took it. Obviously it could have tone in the moment that I am not aware.
 

luvnwdwgal

DIS Veteran
Joined
Apr 7, 2002
OP I say this in a genuine way. This is another post of yours discussing things about your husband (the same husband who made plans that didn't include you or for you on your birthday).

Have you sought some counseling? It truly sounds like your husband isn't attentive to the relationship in the same way you are. There needs to be more of a balance between the two of you. Your posts over the threads read like you're shouldering the relationship while he's floating along.

The fact that he thinks you've retired just because he has means he really hasn't been observing all the things you've done over the years.

And when I read the comments relating to your children and their expectations this makes me think you've lived your life pleasing others and doing what you can to meet or exceed their expectations but at what cost? Because it sure seems like you've taken on so much. Have others given back to you??
You’re right. My husband is just like his dad was. He never did anything around the house except mow the grass. Never helped with chores or did any cooking. My MIL did absolutely everything for him and she worked full time herself for 25 years plus she had 2 grown sons who lived at home until into their 30’s. They never did anything to help her either. I don’t think the man ever made himself anything to eat. The first time I had dinner at their house I noticed they he never asked for anything to be passed to him. He’d just stare at the dish until somebody asked him if he wanted more. Strange. I got married at 19 and pregnant 4 months later. Couldn’t afford childcare so was a stay at home mom for 15 years until I started working little part time jobs here and there. I was babysitting neighbor kids too. It does seem like my whole life has been nothing but taking care of people. I’ve never had any self esteem so just figure this is my life. We rarely go anywhere or do anything. All my friends have moved away. I’m in a rut. I feel guilty asking my husband to help cause there’s no excuse for me not doing it. I’m not doing anything else. Just tired of doing the same thing day after day. Sorry for the pathetic vent.
 

mom2rtk

Invented the term "Characterpalooza"
Joined
Aug 23, 2008
OP I say this in a genuine way. This is another post of yours discussing things about your husband (the same husband who made plans that didn't include you or for you on your birthday).

Have you sought some counseling? It truly sounds like your husband isn't attentive to the relationship in the same way you are. There needs to be more of a balance between the two of you. Your posts over the threads read like you're shouldering the relationship while he's floating along.

The fact that he thinks you've retired just because he has means he really hasn't been observing all the things you've done over the years.

And when I read the comments relating to your children and their expectations this makes me think you've lived your life pleasing others and doing what you can to meet or exceed their expectations but at what cost? Because it sure seems like you've taken on so much. Have others given back to you??

This is likely a generational thing. The OP is quite a bit older than you and has a spouse raised in a different time, so she is pushing up against a very different set of common expectations than younger women today are dealing with.


My husband does most of the cooking. I enjoy cooking together, he primarily is like "you're in the way" lol.

But I plan most of the meals, we ask each other what we want to do for dinner that night so it's a joint decision but it's usually out of a list of recipes (that I've run past him too so even that is a joint decision I've just picked them out and found new ones) picked out for the time period. I ensure we have the ingredients we need and keep track of things (like I know we have leftover pasta sauce in the freezer whereas my husband likely doesn't remember we do). He typically picks up the groceries though on the way home from work once we do a grocery order. When my husband and I do cook together it often shaves the time down because I'll be cooking the meat while he's doing something else. Now I do the dishes for the most part mostly because I got annoyed by the way he loaded it when the dishes wouldn't get cleaned lol.

On the other hand my sister-in-law her boyfriend is Muslim and he does expect her to do all the cooking and to his specifications.

Then again my mother-in-law has done nearly all the cooking in the nearly 15 years I've known her with my step-father-in-law for the most part sitting and watching tv. Only thing he does do is the grilling (mostly steaks) although there's some random things here and there he does. We wish she would let us help more.

My best friend I think her issue was she never really discussed the arrangements so she would cook and place the food in front of her husband who often was just lounging watching tv (wouldn't even discuss what they were having for dinner) then she would complain to me that he would never help out

It seems sorta all over the place. My husband and I def. don't have the whole gendered thing with cooking but it isn't as if I just sit around and do nothing just because he primarily cooks. As with a lot of things in our household I'd say I'm doing a lot of the background stuff. At times that has led to my husband not necessarily seeing things. Like he even said a few months back "sometimes I don't even notice you vacuumed" well that's largely because of the carpet which is blended in colors so may not look vacuumed but it doesn't mean I didn't do it. Or that I keep track of washing the bedding and the towels, etc. In that sense it's not gendered roles that come into play just that many of the tasks I do are background not foreground, the cogs run in the household because of that. Whoever does the tasks I think that can be the gripe and it isn't as if that hasn't come up in our household. Sounds like in the OP's household the cogs are running because of her but who is actually noticing that because I'm not sure her husband or her kids are.

Honestly, if your husband is working full time and you aren't (please accept my apologies if I have that wrong :flower3:) and is coming home to cook most of the time, then you are very fortunate.
 









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