Divorce...

[luckyclover]

Would like to know "why" people are getting divorced. I know many people do because their spouse cheats or abuse is involved. But does anyone ever get divorced for simply not being in love with their spouse? When kids are involved? I have a really close friend and they are having serious marital troubles. However, there is no "real" reason to justify divorce. Other than just not being physically attracted to the spouse or feeling more than friendly love.

It just seems so selfish for this person to want to up root this family for these reasons. The unhappy spouse says they just want to be happy, be loved and in love and says that it really has never been that kind of relationship. The other spouse hates conflict and change and even though they also would be better off out they do not want to divorce mostly due to the kids.


Does anyone have any advice that I could share with this person? Has any of you gotten a divorce for these kind of reasons? I guess I always felt and was raised to believe you only divorce in serious situations. Abuse, cheating...the big stuff. I am so confused and have no idea how to help.

 

[just4today]

I don't have any profound words of wisdom. I did divorce my ex-husband for less than the BIG reasons (abuse, cheating). It was a lot of smaller issues that piled up over the years, driving a wedge between us that we were unable to remove. I put a lot of effort into trying to get him communicating and working on the marriage. He wouldn't, or would say he wanted to but not lift a finger to actually make any changes. It takes two willing people to make any relationship work.

After we split, I found out he had been cheating. He has since married the woman he was cheating with and is now separated from her. This will be his 3rd divorce.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I think when two people divorce because they decide that its just not working, there is a better chance for them to remain friends and have a good co-parenting relationship. If it is done with respect for ALL parties, then I am for divorce. Most people ususally wait until the sh*t hits the fan at the time of divorce. Its rare (and better) when people think with a clear head and say the marriage is just not working.


In my situation, my exH left me and our child for another woman. Because he went down in flames, we do not speak and have a crappy co-parenting relationship, mostly because he hasn't paid child support in 6 months.

But the key is that the initiator of the divorce have respect for the one being left behind. Nobody likes to be "dumped."

 

[RK in NJ]

But only for the financial benefits. My wife's church says we can't be divorced, so it would be only in the eyes of the state. Custody of the children would go to the one earning less money (we would then qualify for cheaper health insurance and other benefits) The one earning more money would get the house and be able to deduct interest payments, property taxes, etc. from income taxes. There are several other considerations as well.

We often muse about doing this even though we never will.

-RK in NJ

 

[coles1mom]

You do it BECAUSE children are involved. They see more than what you think.

A marriage of convenience is not very convenient at all. Both parents have a right to be happy, first for themselves, then for the kids. The line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is just stupid.

A separation, a marriage counselor are usually the first steps. People don't just jump into a divorce. Even then, it's a hard issue to handle.

If there is no love, there is no marriage. That would not be the way I would want my daughter to view marriage. Nor would I have put her in the position, to think I was in a unhappy situation because of her.

 

[soupy11]

You do it BECAUSE children are involved. They see more than what you think.

A marriage of convenience is not very convenient at all. Both parents have a right to be happy, first for themselves, then for the kids. The line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is just stupid.

A separation, a marriage counselor are usually the first steps. People don't just jump into a divorce. Even then, it's a hard issue to handle.

If there is no love, there is no marriage. That would not be the way I would want my daughter to view marriage. Nor would I have put her in the position, to think I was in a unhappy situation because of her.

As a divorced guy, I totally agree with this. I didn't even realize things were so strained until we called it quits. 6 months later I came to realize that my happiness was returning and my life did a complete 180 degree turn for the better. Went back to school, met a new person, got fit, and just decided to life again.

 

[coles1mom]

As a divorced guy, I totally agree with this. I didn't even realize things were so strained until we called it quits. 6 months later I came to realize that my happiness was returning and my life did a complete 180 degree turn for the better. Went back to school, met a new person, got fit, and just decided to life again.

That's what it's all about. Enjoy

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My brother did. Both sides refused to work things out.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Each couple is so individual. I left my ex for those 'little reasons'.. I felt uncommunicated to, I didnt' feel 'in love' and there was no affection and I just wasn't into it anymore... and we did try after 2 separations. I wanted my kids to know what a marriage SHOULD be, not what WE had made it to be... A marriage should be two people who show love, affection and work together. We were none of those things. Now, I think my kids are better off because their dad and I are great friends...basically what we were back then...
That being said... looking back, do I wish I had tried harder, given marriage a better shot? Absolutely. I was young and didn't take marriage as seriously as I should have. If they are young, got married young, think hard about the future. It has worked for us....finally. But...each couple is different and some things are better apart.....

 

[kellyg403]

You do it BECAUSE children are involved. They see more than what you think.

A marriage of convenience is not very convenient at all. Both parents have a right to be happy, first for themselves, then for the kids. The line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" is just stupid.

A separation, a marriage counselor are usually the first steps. People don't just jump into a divorce. Even then, it's a hard issue to handle.

If there is no love, there is no marriage. That would not be the way I would want my daughter to view marriage. Nor would I have put her in the position, to think I was in a unhappy situation because of her.

Exactly. Though I did divorce over one of the "biggies", I think I had seriously considered it several times because I was just not happy. But overall, my decision to divorce really came from looking at my kids and knowing that I didn't want my dd's to think it was the right thing and I didn't want my ds's to think they could do things to their wives and it be o.k.

I came from parents who really should have divorced A LONG time ago. They have fought everyday since I can remember. Living at home sometimes was pure torture because they had/have zero respect for each other, us and actually anybody else. They would fight in front of anybody anytime anywhere. But, my mom was raised that you don't get divorced so they are still together 35 years later. They are still not happy I don't think, but think they are way past caring or wanting to start over. Its colored my life alot. Respect and boundaries are big issues for me.

Nowadays though I don't think people really get past the sense of entitlement and fantasy. Marriage is tough hard work. When the honeymoon phase is over it seems like alot of people just go oh well its over. I am not "in love" anymore. I also think this is the most stupid thing I ever hear. I love my kids everyday, but I don't love their actions sometimes the same goes for my spouse. No matter what if we are in trouble I want to work and try to fix it but also understand I want to eventually live my final days happy. Not just being with someone because I am too afraid to look for more.


Kelly

 

[Jennasis]

Deep breath.....ahhhhh...ok!

Nobody has to "justify" divorce to their friends or family. Perhaps only to the legal system, and in many cases, to the church. Divorce is a personal matter.

Selfish? So it would be better for children to be raised by parents who are constantly bickering, and don't love each other anymore? So the perceived "need" of a child to have a "whole" family, supercedes a parents "need" to love/be loved?

My advice? Butt out. Don't offer any advice. You seem to have a strong opinion against your friends divorce, so anything you offer will be tinged with that prejudice. I say just offer to take her to lunch, or shopping, or a movie once in a while. Maybe offer to sit for the kids...just extend your sympathies and a helping hand.

 

[Stitchfans]

I think when two people divorce because they decide that its just not working, there is a better chance for them to remain friends and have a good co-parenting relationship. If it is done with respect for ALL parties, then I am for divorce. Most people ususally wait until the sh*t hits the fan at the time of divorce. Its rare (and better) when people think with a clear head and say the marriage is just not working.


."

Couldn't of said it better myself. My divorce from ex husband went smoothly with no problems due to the fact it was done with respect for all parties. Granted we aren't the best of friends but we can at least be in the same room together without chopping off each other's heads.

 

[raysnkaysmom]

Deep breath.....ahhhhh...ok!

Nobody has to "justify" divorce to their friends or family. Perhaps only to the legal system, and in many cases, to the church. Divorce is a personal matter.

Selfish? So it would be better for children to be raised by parents who are constantly bickering, and don't love each other anymore? So the perceived "need" of a child to have a "whole" family, supercedes a parents "need" to love/be loved?

My advice? Butt out. Don't offer any advice. You seem to have a strong opinion against your friends divorce, so anything you offer will be tinged with that prejudice. I say just offer to take her to lunch, or shopping, or a movie once in a while. Maybe offer to sit for the kids...just extend your sympathies and a helping hand.

Excellent advice...
Let her vent to you, ask her the good things too...that way, maybe in her mind, she'll hear the good...then weigh it out...on her own.

 

[kellyg403]

Couldn't of said it better myself. My divorce from ex husband went smoothly with no problems due to the fact it was done with respect for all parties. Granted we aren't the best of friends but we can at least be in the same room together without chopping off each other's heads.

Us too. Harder work than the marriage itself. But, the kids don't have to worry about us causing a scene everytime we get into a room. The good news is I think they have learned MORE and better things about relationships since we got divorced than they did when we were married! They have learned you don't have to like someone to be nice to them, basically treat others as you want to be treated, that it is o.k. to disagree but remain friendly even afterwards and that they are our children and we remain steadfast in making sure we are parents regardless. There is a difference in being "parents' and being married/divorced. That families come in all different shapes and sizes. Being "family" is more important than wondering if a couple should stay married or not. Whether it be religious reasons, or for the kids or whatever comes to mind.

Kelly

 

[spima3]

You do it BECAUSE children are involved. They see more than what you think.

A marriage of convenience is not very convenient at all. Both parents have a right to be happy, first for themselves, then for the kids.

This is interesting. Wasn't there a study done that basically found that as long as the parents work at protecting their children from their marital issues the kids were perfectly happy with the status quo?

The reason I remember reading this is because my DH was a child of divorce. It was the worst time of his life when his parents divorced because he lost his entire life as he knew it and he had been very happy before that. He doesn't dwell on it, but if the subject comes up, he will still say the divorce ruined his childhood. (he was 9)

Perhaps he was just overly sensitive, but I often think about this whenever a couple, with children, get divorced because they believe it they are happy then their kids will be happy.
Of course, when it is something serious like abuse, etc., there really isn't a choice. And I think a child living in an abusive household would be horribly damaged because of it.

 

[kellyg403]

This is interesting. Wasn't there a study done that basically found that as long as the parents work at protecting their children from their marital issues the kids were perfectly happy with the status quo?

The reason I remember reading this is because my DH was a child of divorce. It was the worst time of his life when his parents divorced because he lost his entire life as he knew it and he had been very happy before that. He doesn't dwell on it, but if the subject comes up, he will still say the divorce ruined his childhood. (he was 9)

My dh was also 9 when his parents divorced and it is one of the reasons he stayed in his marriage. He also feels like it was the worst thing that happened to his childhood. But, his dad was absent pretty much after that. His mom never spoke to much about the dad from what I understand. Dh's father committed suicide when his 6th wife left him so the next time he saw him was at the funeral. I am just wondering if it was the divorce or the circumstances/situations that followed the divorce? By "life as he knew it" was it financial or parental relationships that changed? Or the feeling that life changed to much and he didn't understand why?

Kelly

 

[luckyclover]

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. Some of your words have really made sense to me and have shed some light on this situation. I guess I just never really realized that people/adults were "allowed" to be happy or want to be happy.

I am not going to get uber involved but will definitely be as supportive as possible to my friend. She is an amazing woman and really does deserve to be happy.