I figured it was time to update everyone on how the Stormalong Bay Synchronized Pool Tube Team did in Rio during it's first ever Olympic competition.
First off I would be remiss if I failed to mention that we barely qualified. Thankfully there was a doping scandal experienced by the team from Universal Orlando so we made the cut! After beating the tar off of their cheating heinies we gleefully made our way to Rio with dreams of Olympic Gold!!
We arrived in Rio and discovered that accommodations were a little dicey. At first they tried to put us in the ladies room of a gas station. Thanks to Google translate (Portuguese to Spanish to English and vice versa) we were able to secure an upgrade to a Motel Seis in Bolivia. Sure it was a long bus ride but we still had to sew our outfits (airlines 'lost' our luggage), so we needed the time. Leaving 3 days in advance for a synchronized pool tube heat isn't ideal in any circumstance but we felt lucky to be there so we soldiered on. We had a really great time on the bus as we had plenty of opportunities to send trash talking texts to that drugged out tube team drowning their sorrows in Universal Hard Rock's feature pool.
When we arrived at the Olympic Synchronized Pool Tube Team venue we thought it looked problematic. We witnessed the staff pouring mountains of bottled water into the murky emerald green waters while assuring participants that the water was dyed green on purpose to make our middle aged buttocks look better. Not wanting to offend our hosts we shrugged our shoulders and went to the locker room, which consisted of a solitary porta-potty. I guess this is what we get for choosing to love a sport that is just developing a following.
Now it was time to fix our hair. We were more than a little worried when the airlines lost our luggage but improvisation is our middle name so we stopped in a bodega and picked up boxes of gelatin to cement our flowing locks. In retrospect this is where things really took a turn for the worst. It seems that the bodega only had lime gelatin (what's with all the green stuff Brazil???) so we were forced to use that and hope for the best.
Alas, it was not to be because as soon as we entered the pool during our competition heat a pack of parrots descended on our 'do's and started to peck the lime gelatin out in a feeding frenzy. In hindsight, adding the cherries and marshmallows to the gelatin was a bad move. To say that we lost it is an understatement. There was no where to hide from the feathered flock, not even the porta-potty which was perpetually occupied by someone with a bad case of food poisoning. We tried to beat off the birds with our tubes but that proved ineffective as their lime colored beaks easily penetrated the plastic. Defeated and disqualified, we filed back on the bus for the 3 day trip back to the Motel Seis in Bolivia.
So now we are back in the States after our disastrous trip. We were hoping that our adoring fans would meet us on the faux-no-rail at the Orlando airport with a bucket of Sunken Treasures. Then we thought about how EVERYTHING was green in Brazil and we opted out of the them and traded up to some Dole Whips.
On the bright side we have 4 more years to train for the next Olympics! Why heck! It will take that Synchronized Pool Tube Team at Universal just that long just to clear out their systems of all the performance enhancing contraband that they have been swilling.
Things are looking hopeful for the next time!
~NM
to the thread!
