Diplomatic advice needed in regards to co-worker and lunch

[Disney Darling]

Background: For the past two and a half years, a co-worker and I have been eating lunch together. We didn't set out to do lunch together intentionally, it just happened that we took the same lunch time and ended up enjoying eachother's company.

There are no rules regarding this situation. If I can't make it to lunch and have to run errands or something, no problem, no hard feelings and same applies to co-worker. If either of us get a better invitation to lunch, no problem, no hard feelings, but as a courtesy (because of the length of time we have been eating together) we usually let the other person know we won't be there. But suffice it to say, there are no rules regarding lunch and we don't have an exclusive lunch group and anyone is welcome to eat with us in the lunch room or not.

Recently, the co-worker's spouse has started a new job near us. The spouse has now been joining us for lunch on several occasions and it looks to continue. The spouse gets on my nerves!! I don't think I need to go into detail because it doesn't really matter what the spouse does that gets on my nerves, but this person gets on my last nerve.

Our days are long and stressful so when I do take my unpaid lunch, I'd at least like a little break, respite, breather whatever you want to call it so that I can come back just a little refreshed to finish out my day.

Up to this point, I've been making up excuses for lunch and why I'm not joining them in our lunch room (it's not like they're going out for lunch). I'll say things like, "I have errands, I got held over with a task I was working on, my project manager called me in the office at the last minute"

Eventually, I'm afraid it's going to look extremely obvious that I'm avoiding eating with them.

While I would love to say "Your spouse is a whiny ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME immature child and I can't stomach eating with them" I realize that's not very tactful.

So, what would you do? The spouse works for the same company as we do just not the same building and not the same type of work/duties so technically they are not in violation of eating in our small lunch room.

Thanks for your advice.

 

[emer95]

Background: For the past two and a half years, a co-worker and I have been eating lunch together. We didn't set out to do lunch together intentionally, it just happened that we took the same lunch time and ended up enjoying eachother's company.

There are no rules regarding this situation. If I can't make it to lunch and have to run errands or something, no problem, no hard feelings and same applies to co-worker. If either of us get a better invitation to lunch, no problem, no hard feelings, but as a courtesy (because of the length of time we have been eating together) we usually let the other person know we won't be there. But suffice it to say, there are no rules regarding lunch and we don't have an exclusive lunch group and anyone is welcome to eat with us in the lunch room or not.

Recently, the co-worker's spouse has started a new job near us. The spouse has now been joining us for lunch on several occasions and it looks to continue. The spouse gets on my nerves!! I don't think I need to go into detail because it doesn't really matter what the spouse does that gets on my nerves, but this person gets on my last nerve.

Our days are long and stressful so when I do take my unpaid lunch, I'd at least like a little break, respite, breather whatever you want to call it so that I can come back just a little refreshed to finish out my day.

Up to this point, I've been making up excuses for lunch and why I'm not joining them in our lunch room (it's not like they're going out for lunch). I'll say things like, "I have errands, I got held over with a task I was working on, my project manager called me in the office at the last minute"

Eventually, I'm afraid it's going to look extremely obvious that I'm avoiding eating with them.

While I would love to say "Your spouse is a whiny ME, ME, ME, ME, ME, ME immature child and I can't stomach eating with them" I realize that's not very tactful.

So, what would you do? The spouse works for the same company as we do just not the same building and not the same type of work/duties so technically they are not in violation of eating in our small lunch room.

Thanks for your advice.

Oh, that's a tough one. I feel for you. I need my break during lunch and I could not handle eating with a person who annoyed me, especially if there are only 3 of you. At least if there was a large group, the annoyingness would be dispersed a little.

Could you change the time that you eat, and say that your schedule changed? I'm not sure the specifics of your job so I don't know if that's a possibility or not. Or say, "I thought the two of you might prefer to have some time together" and start eating alone in your office.

Good luck to you!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So where are you eating now? Are you going to continue avoiding the lunchroom forever?

I would just continue to make excuses and then if she asks you can say that you feel like you are a third wheel, intruding, not up for company, etc.

The problem with saying something is that it will come back and burn you because you may have to eat in you small lunch room and you don't want to burn your lunch room spot.

 

[disykat]

Honestly? I know this won't be a popular opinion, but to me it makes a difference what gender the coworker is.

If it is a male co-worker, I would try to eat with them together once in a while to make it clear that his spouse is welcome in your relationship. Then I'd gradually phase away from any lunches with coworker - alone or with his spouse. I would carefully avoid any "I want a relationship with you but not your spouse" vibes.

If it is a female coworker and you don't like her husband, I'd continue to make other lunch plans - maybe lunching with her on days you know her spouse won't be there.

 

[Katy Belle]

Honestly? I know this won't be a popular opinion, but to me it makes a difference what gender the coworker is.

If it is a male co-worker, I would try to eat with them together once in a while to make it clear that his spouse is welcome in your relationship. Then I'd gradually phase away from any lunches with coworker - alone or with his spouse. I would carefully avoid any "I want a relationship with you but not your spouse" vibes.

If it is a female coworker and you don't like her husband, I'd continue to make other lunch plans - maybe lunching with her on days you know her spouse won't be there.

I was trying to type this very thing but couldn't get the wording down right! I agree with above quote!

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

If you are questioned about it you can always say that you felt it was important for them to have "their" time. You didn't want to intrude on their mid-day catch up session.

It's hard for me as DH and my's closest friends are co-workers with DH only. I get lost in their work-gripes and tune out half the time.

You could always take up reading REALLY. BIG. BOOKS. and explain that it's a real page turner and you just can't put it down/need quiet time to read.

 

[LilyWDW]

Is their spouse allowed to be eating in the employee break room? The reason I am asking is that this would have been a big no at all the jobs I have ever worked because the break room was off the floor. No one but employees would be allowed back there, spouse or not.

 

[bookgirl]

buy a media player and headset, even if you don't really listen to anything you just say you've decided to start listening through your lunch to help de-stress, since you don't want to have the volume up you need to sit at a table with out conversation

that way even if you're all in the lunchroom you have a reason to be off on your own

also if someone else comes up you can take them off and talk to them, but you have the option to just veg out

I always have a book with me at lunch, but I've been known to plug in my ipod as well when I'm needing a little quiet

 

[Ceila]

Is their spouse allowed to be eating in the employee break room? The reason I am asking is that this would have been a big no at all the jobs I have ever worked because the break room was off the floor. No one but employees would be allowed back there, spouse or not.

She said that the spouse works for the same company, so he's allowed in there.

 

[MushyMushy]

Honestly? I know this won't be a popular opinion, but to me it makes a difference what gender the coworker is.

If it is a male co-worker, I would try to eat with them together once in a while to make it clear that his spouse is welcome in your relationship. Then I'd gradually phase away from any lunches with coworker - alone or with his spouse. I would carefully avoid any "I want a relationship with you but not your spouse" vibes.

If it is a female coworker and you don't like her husband, I'd continue to make other lunch plans - maybe lunching with her on days you know her spouse won't be there.

Yep, this is close to what I was thinking when I read the OP.

 

[LilyWDW]

She said that the spouse works for the same company, so he's allowed in there.

No, she said...

Recently, the co-worker's spouse has started a new job near us.

I took that to mean that now the spouse is nearby, close enough to have lunch together... but not the same company.

 

[diznygirl]

No, she said...



I took that to mean that now the spouse is nearby, close enough to have lunch together... but not the same company.

No, she said:

So, what would you do? The spouse works for the same company as we do just not the same building and not the same type of work/duties so technically they are not in violation of eating in our small lunch room.

Thanks for your advice.

Disney is like this - my DH and I worked in separate buildings for different departments but saw each other for lunch all the time.


OP - tell your co-worker "I'm sure you want your spouse to yourself now that he works so close. I'll let you guys have your privacy." And then take lunch earlier or later if you can, or keep your ipod and a book/magazine handy. Good luck.

 

[Pumbaa_]

There is always telling her a version of the truth. I enjoy your company but I feel like a third wheel. If it is ok, I will join you sometimes, but not every day. Thank you for understanding

I have a small group that gets together on Fridays for lunch (rest of the week is pretty much eat at your desk for us). One of the women's DD has been working here for the summer and joining. Lovely girl, but the conversation is now btw DD and her mom and we all listen in. Changed the dynamic completely. Her assignment is done next week so mot worth bringing up

Good luck!

 

[LilyWDW]

No, she said:







Disney is like this - my DH and I worked in separate buildings for different departments but saw each other for lunch all the time.


OP - tell your co-worker "I'm sure you want your spouse to yourself now that he works so close. I'll let you guys have your privacy." And then take lunch earlier or later if you can, or keep your ipod and a book/magazine handy. Good luck.

Gah! Forgive me! LOL Please forgive me! I swear I read the whole thing, but I am only working with one good eye atm (strained the other one and can't keep my contact in). UGH, that makes me feel stupid now...

Again, I'm sorry!

 

[Imzadi]

Or say, "I thought the two of you might prefer to have some time together" and start eating alone in your office.

Three or four people said to say something like this. Like that wound be the end of the conversation. But, what if the co-worker says, "Oh, no, you aren't intruding, invading. No we don't want privacy or our own space. You're no third wheel. We're not newlyweds. We get enough if each other at home."

Then what is the OP to say? I don't think that statement will work?

Maybe the OP needs to get a big book on meditation & leave it on her desk. Also carry it around with her. Or get an iPod program. Then when she & the co-worker & spouse go to lunch, she can show them the book (or bring it for one last lunch,) and rave about it, she's on this new "quiet time meditation" program,

and she's supposed to have lunch in quiet (or listening to the program) to recenter and reflect internally on stuff, blah, blah, blah. It has been sooooo helpful already , since she's been doing it for the last week. She's going to build it into her daily routine.

 

[npmommie]

Just curious....... Is the co-worker male or female?

 

[MushyMushy]

Just curious....... Is the co-worker male or female?

Personally, I suspect from the blatant lack of gender pronouns that the coworker must be one of the opposite sex.

 

[AlleyKat]

Personally, I suspect from the blatant lack of gender pronouns that the coworker must be one of the opposite sex.

I also think said co-worker is of the opposite sex.