Did you help with your child's wedding? How much did you spend?

[jerseygal]

There are no "hard and fast" rules today. When DH and I married almost 35 years ago, my very hardworking parents paid for my sister and my wedding. My MIL and FIL paid for nothing, claimed they couldnt afford it,not even a rehearsal dinner, we paid for a very simple one. Fast forward eldest DS is marrying this August and he and his fiance are hosting a wedding "together with their parents", her parents, us, and the happy couple are contributing equal amounts a third each. Can't wait till the EXCITING event!

 

[JAMIESMITH]

My husband and I lived together for two years before we got married eleven years ago. We got married in the living room of the beautiful old house we were renting at the time. We paid for invitations, my dress, his suit, my maid of honor’s dress, flowers (artificial), the cake, and favors.

My parents paid for dinner at Cracker Barrel the night before for a small group. We didn’t actually rehearse anything. They also paid for some light finger foods to go with our cake.

My oldest is nine. I doubt we will pay much towards her wedding either.

 

[Hikergirl]

Most parents I know either have or will pay for their dd’s wedding. It’s really not a thing of the past here at all. BUT, it isn’t done out of some sense of requirement. As with anything else, it’s done out of love for the child. Most parents of the groom will pay for all the traditional stuff or help with the whole thing. Same reasoning.

I have never known of anyone to choose to pay for a wedding over education so I am confused why that keeps being said like it’s an either/or situation? Unless their dd chooses not to go to college for one reason or another, they pay or help pay for that too. The parents that refuse to help with college just aren’t likely to help pay for any kind of marriage ceremony.

As for the “hosting” the rehearsal dinner or reception, well it’s sort of a thing you know but most parents don’t even really make it seem like they are hosting. They may see to it that things run smoothly so the bride and groom can just enjoy but they don’t give some kind of welcome speech or something.

Pay, don’t pay, give a small amount, give a large amount. There is no right or wrong way to do this. It’s kind of like college-get a PhD, Masters, BA/BS, AA-whatever it takes to work in your career of choice. There is no right or wrong way.

For us paying for an education is not an either or because we feel that the gift of debt free college is more important than paying for a "party". We would never pick a wedding over college unless they don't go but we would probably give the money after for a down payment on a house.
With 3 kids there just isn't a big budget left over after tuition to also pay for a wedding. No way would we incur our own debt or take from our retirement savings to do it either.

 

[luvsJack]

For us paying for an education is not an either or because we feel that the gift of debt free college is more important than paying for a "party". We would never pick a wedding over college unless they don't go but we would probably give the money after for a down payment on a house.
With 3 kids there just isn't a big budget left over after tuition to also pay for a wedding. No way would we incur our own debt or take from our retirement savings to do it either.

But that is what I am saying, of every parent I know that has paid for any kind of wedding (small intimate to big lavish) none refused to pay for an education. Some kids were able to do college in different ways-scholarships, work study, etc but I don’t know any parent that would say “go get 120,000 in loans so we can pay for a wedding”. That just doesn’t make sense to me.

I honestly don’t know anyone that would go in debt for a wedding either.

Not having it in the budget to do both education and wedding is understandable. Especially if you have more than one and they are close in age. That in no way makes you wrong for not paying for a wedding. You can’t take from one child’s education to pay for another’s wedding. That would be crazy. Or from your own future.

For us, dd hasn’t cost us much education wise (one reason I work at the college). But for the next few months I will be paying for some online certification classes for her. Luckily they aren’t that expensive but it’s one of several reasons the planning is on hold. Once those are done, we start saving more toward a wedding. It’s just not an either/or choice for us.

And it helps that her brothers are grown and on their own.

 

[Hikergirl]

But that is what I am saying, of every parent I know that has paid for any kind of wedding (small intimate to big lavish) none refused to pay for an education. Some kids were able to do college in different ways-scholarships, work study, etc but I don’t know any parent that would say “go get 120,000 in loans so we can pay for a wedding”. That just doesn’t make sense to me.

I guess it is more like, dh and I feel that giving the "gift" of a college education is enough, we don't feel we need to provide a wedding too (even if we could afford it). Plain and simple, you can say we just don't want too.

 

[karmic]

When DD got married in 2013 costs were pretty much split with DSiL parents
Based on the PP cost of the venue each paid for the amount of people they invited
I paid for the dress,flowers and shower
They paid for the photo/videoagrapher and rehearsal dinner
We split the cost of the after party

 

[Action City]

When DD got married in 2013 costs were pretty much split with DSiL parents
Based on the PP cost of the venue each paid for the amount of people they invited
I paid for the dress,flowers and shower
They paid for the photo/videoagrapher and rehearsal dinner
We split the cost of the after party

What did the bride and groom pay for?

 

[disykat]

Things become an either/or because most people simply CAN'T pay for everything. Most certainly they shouldn't be expected to for adult children - we're mostly talking about people in their 20's here.

In our case we did college. We felt strongly about it and it was the biggest expense so we felt it made sense. I know parents who haven't helped much for college, but totally funded weddings. I even know someone who gave nothing towards college, then gave their child $30,000 for a down payment on a house. All those parents financially helped their children get set up in the world, just in different ways. Other parents can't help financially, but help their kids in other ways.

For people who can and want to do it all, great. Most people can't afford to. I still think kids whose parents can spring for any of it are lucky.

 

[luvsJack]

I guess it is more like, dh and I feel that giving the "gift" of a college education is enough, we don't feel we need to provide a wedding too (even if we could afford it). Plain and simple, you can say we just don't want too.

And there is nothing in the world wrong with that. Your family, your choices.

 

[luvsJack]

Things become an either/or because most people simply CAN'T pay for everything.

In our case we did college. We felt strongly about it and, frankly, it was the biggest expense so we felt it made sense. I do know parents who haven't helped much for college, but totally funded weddings. I even know someone who gave nothing towards college, then gave their child $30,000 for a down payment on a house. All those parents financially helped their children get set up in the world, just in different ways. Other parents can't help financially, but help their kids in other ways.

For people who can and want to do it all, great. Most people can't afford to. I still think kids whose parents can spring for any of it are lucky.

Well sure if it has to be an either/or then that’s the way it has to be. No issue with that.

It just seemed like there were some posts that were implying that parents who are saying they will/did pay for a wedding aren’t willing to do the same for education.

 

[disykat]

Well sure if it has to be an either/or then that’s the way it has to be. No issue with that.

It just seemed like there were some posts that were implying that parents who are saying they will/did pay for a wedding aren’t willing to do the same for education.

I didn't see anyone assuming that people who pay for weddings didn't pay for education. Some people do it all. It's a fact. However, I don't see anything wrong with not being willing to pay for everything. I don't consider that a parent's job. We have enough money that we "could" fund a wedding in addition to their educations, but don't see the need to give our adult children everything. If we decide to travel in our retirement instead I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. We raised our kids and set them up for success. At some point they're on their own. For us, it's after college graduation. If they have to sacrifice a little to have the wedding of their dreams I really don't have a problem with that.

I've watched some parents postpone retirement, postpone vacations, etc. to pay for weddings for their children while the children travel, buy cars, etc. I would happily postpone those things to pay for education, but not for a wedding. I also insist on equal sacrifice from my kids if we're financially involved. Different people, different choices.

I don't run in circles where people have the wherewithal to do it all without making sacrifices. If that's the case, they can pay for whatever they want to. The point is that putting some archaic rule in charge of who does what is silly.

 

[disykat]

PS - what I should really be voting for here is "yes, parents pay for daughter's weddings." I have sons so that would work to my advantage.

 

[Jaime4004]

I plan on giving each of my three kids the same amount of money for them to do with as they wish. Can't imagine giving one child more, just because she's a girl. It'll depend on how much I have at the time, this will be at least 10 years from now. This is what my parents did for my brother and I. They gave us each $10,000. I had a larger wedding and spent it all, my brother had a smaller wedding and used some as a down payment on a home. DH and I planned it all, my mother isn't really into that sort of thing anyway. His mother paid for the rehearsal dinner and ended up paying for an open bar when I wouldn't because it was over our budget (and not important to us).

 

[luvsJack]

I didn't see anyone assuming that people who pay for weddings didn't pay for education. Some people do it all. It's a fact. However, I don't see anything wrong with not being willing to pay for everything. I don't consider that a parent's job. We have enough money that we "could" fund a wedding in addition to their educations, but don't see the need to give our adult children everything. If we decide to travel in our retirement instead I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. We raised our kids and set them up for success. At some point they're on their own. For us, it's after college graduation. If they have to sacrifice a little to have the wedding of their dreams I really don't have a problem with that.

I've watched some parents postpone retirement, postpone vacations, etc. to pay for weddings for their children while the children travel, buy cars, etc. I would happily postpone those things to pay for education, but not for a wedding. I also insist on equal sacrifice from my kids if we're financially involved. Different people, different choices.

I don't run in circles where people have the wherewithal to do it all without making sacrifices. If that's the case, they can pay for whatever they want to. The point is that putting some archaic rule in charge of who does what is silly.

Well lol I don’t think most people do it because it’s “the rule”. For a lot of people it’s just a way to divide it all. Rather than x amount they just pay for abc.

About postponing things, I wouldn’t do that either.

As for my comment about the tone of some posts, I can’t really say what they assumed, but after about the third “we choose to pay for education” it begins to shound that way.

 

[Hikergirl]

Well lol I don’t think most people do it because it’s “the rule”. For a lot of people it’s just a way to divide it all. Rather than x amount they just pay for abc.

About postponing things, I wouldn’t do that either.

As for my comment about the tone of some posts, I can’t really say what they assumed, but after about the third “we choose to pay for education” it begins to shound that way.

I think you are reading too much into it. I think people, including myself are saying that we are choosing one over the other.
By saying that I'm not implying that others don't choose to pay for their child's education.
Paying for your child's wedding is a choice, paying for your child's education is a choice. Some of us choose to pay for one, some for both and probably some choose neither. Not really sure what "tone" you are reading in that.

 

[morgan98]

Well lol I don’t think most people do it because it’s “the rule”. For a lot of people it’s just a way to divide it all. Rather than x amount they just pay for abc.

About postponing things, I wouldn’t do that either.

As for my comment about the tone of some posts, I can’t really say what they assumed, but after about the third “we choose to pay for education” it begins to shound that way.

I think it also depends of course on a family's financial picture and how much/what kind of "college" they had to pay for. Unless you are wealthy, I would say paying $80-$100,000 for a child to successfully complete a four year degree does not always leave another $25,000 to put toward a wedding. Multiply that if you have multiple children. Especially if the parents are trying to be responsible and save for their own retirement.

I think people are saying they would rather put that $25,000 towards schooling and help their children graduate without loans than put that money toward a wedding instead.

Now, some kids do not get 4 year degrees, some get some scholarships, etc. and the parents contribute far less to school, that may make them more willing to pay for a wedding.

Or you have people with money for it all. They can pay fully for school and throw a huge elaborate wedding.

 

[LongLiveRafiki]

I have a question. It seems like the majority of people who have responded on here either have grown kids or kids in their teens. When your kids were little (for those of you that did or plan to contribute toward weddings), would you have been able to conceive of the amount of which you would spend for their future weddings? My kids are little and at this point, I just can't quite fathom being in a position to drop teens of thousands on weddings (or college for that matter), though it seems like many parents do.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

But that is what I am saying, of every parent I know that has paid for any kind of wedding (small intimate to big lavish) none refused to pay for an education. Some kids were able to do college in different ways-scholarships, work study, etc but I don’t know any parent that would say “go get 120,000 in loans so we can pay for a wedding”. That just doesn’t make sense to me.

I honestly don’t know anyone that would go in debt for a wedding either.

Not having it in the budget to do both education and wedding is understandable. Especially if you have more than one and they are close in age. That in no way makes you wrong for not paying for a wedding. You can’t take from one child’s education to pay for another’s wedding. That would be crazy. Or from your own future.

For us, dd hasn’t cost us much education wise (one reason I work at the college). But for the next few months I will be paying for some online certification classes for her. Luckily they aren’t that expensive but it’s one of several reasons the planning is on hold. Once those are done, we start saving more toward a wedding. It’s just not an either/or choice for us.

And it helps that her brothers are grown and on their own.

I agree. DH and I paid 100% for college for all three kids and felt that $30k each for a wedding and/or house down payment was what we could afford without compromising our lifestyle. We are doing it because we want to and not because we are expected too. We have two sons and one daughter who will be treated equally.

I guess it is more like, dh and I feel that giving the "gift" of a college education is enough, we don't feel we need to provide a wedding too (even if we could afford it). Plain and simple, you can say we just don't want too.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with this opinion. I know many young couples who eloped or had small and simple weddings that were a very reasonable cost. If my children choose this route it will just mean more money for them towards a house down payment or a start of a college fund for their future children.

 

[Disneybuckeye]

I have a question. It seems like the majority of people who have responded on here either have grown kids or kids in their teens. When your kids were little (for those of you that did or plan to contribute toward weddings), would you have been able to conceive of the amount of which you would spend for their future weddings? My kids are little and at this point, I just can't quite fathom being in a position to drop teens of thousands on weddings (or college for that matter), though it seems like many parents do.

Our children are mid to late twenties. We did private schools all the way through and saved as much as could for college and retirement. Money was tight. Luckily our financial picture kept improving and I went back to work when the youngest started college to help out. It is not always easy, but it should get better.

Our children are also three to six years out of college which gave us a nice break to recoup. Had they gotten married soon after graduation it would of been a much smaller pot.

 

[mmouse37]

This is a timely thread!!! Our Daughter and now son-in-law eloped this past Saturday!!! Surprised us all!!! They recently got engaged and just wanted a small intimate wedding but of course we have a huge family on both sides. After they started pricing out indoor venues, backyard options, food, trying to cut the list at a reasonable amount without hurting feelings, etc. they said they heck with it and just got married with two witnesses on top of a local mountain! Her best friend who is a photographer acted as witness and photographer (she thought she was going to shoot their engagement pics). Our other DD was her other witness (who they flew in for the event....which wasn't odd to have her visit so didn't raise any flags for us). They never wanted an expensive lavish wedding as they want to put an addition on their home. Immediate family was invited to a "birthday dinner" at their house and after everyone was there they walked in in wedding dress and tux!!! We were all in jeans! They had gotten married earlier in the day and the birthday dinner was just a ruse to get us there to celebrate. We had no clue as our DD's birthday was the day before. They had a lovely catered meal at their house. They are both in their mid thirties. We couldn't be happier. We of course we will still give them what we would spend on a wedding for them and they can get started on their addition. We will have a backyard BBQ bash for extended family in the summer. She put it all together in less than 2 weeks! Very proud. His parents were thrilled as well.



MJ