Did you ever lose your temper with your kids

[Tiggeroo]

in front of their friends. I just did, pretty badly. I have two sons home for the summer from college. My house is hang out central. They've been slobs, not cleaning up after themselves or their friends and one son has all of his stuff from college still in a giant explosion in his room and out into the hallway. I've been talking to them about it and getting the blank look and no improvement. I've told my one son for the past week he can't go anywhere until he gets the mess from school away and the laundry washed and put away. But there's always an excuse and a way out. Today I insisted and said there was no excuse. He was here and was po'd. His friends were dropping by and bugging me to let him go. Then one of his friends was goofing around and broke a book shelf in the hallway. I lost it. He was goofing around about it and laughing. I lost it. I said I want everybody gone. I then tore into the boys about the mess, their irresponsibility around the house and with their school work. (they have things that need to be done about their classes for the fall and they are way past due) One son got really upset and the other son called me crazy.
I feel bad. I don't like to upset them and I'm sure their friends heard almost everything I said. But I'm also upset because I don't think they got a word I was saying. I had a right to be upset about what I was saying. It's their fault that it took yelling to get them to hear me. Now I'm in tears and dh doesn't get what I'm saying I don't think. Not really. He just thinks I'm too easy on them and shouldn't get so emotional. I want to apologize for yelling but not for what I said. I also generally love having their friends around. I just want them to be more considerate. I'm afraid their friends will be afraid to see me after seeing me lose it like that.

 

[Michie]

in front of their friends. I just did, pretty badly. I have two sons home for the summer from college. My house is hang out central. They've been slobs, not cleaning up after themselves or their friends and one son has all of his stuff from college still in a giant explosion in his room and out into the hallway. I've been talking to them about it and getting the blank look and no improvement. I've told my one son for the past week he can't go anywhere until he gets the mess from school away and the laundry washed and put away. But there's always an excuse and a way out. Today I insisted and said there was no excuse. He was here and was po'd. His friends were dropping by and bugging me to let him go. Then one of his friends was goofing around and broke a book shelf in the hallway. I lost it. He was goofing around about it and laughing. I lost it. I said I want everybody gone. I then tore into the boys about the mess, their irresponsibility around the house and with their school work. (they have things that need to be done about their classes for the fall and they are way past due) One son got really upset and the other son called me crazy.
I feel bad. I don't like to upset them and I'm sure their friends heard almost everything I said. But I'm also upset because I don't think they got a word I was saying. I had a right to be upset about what I was saying. It's their fault that it took yelling to get them to hear me. Now I'm in tears and dh doesn't get what I'm saying I don't think. Not really. He just thinks I'm too easy on them and shouldn't get so emotional. I want to apologize for yelling but not for what I said. I also generally love having their friends around. I just want them to be more considerate. I'm afraid their friends will be afraid to see me after seeing me lose it like that.

Wow, if their friends would not pick up after themselves while visiting my home, I think they wouldn't be comingg back; that is just disrespectful. Our house was always the hangout, but the kids knew they had to be tidy guests.

aren't your boys working during the summer? The less they are home, the less mess they make!!

 

[Tiggeroo]

They're working, alot. That's part of the problem. They work 6-7 days a week, 12hr days. Then they come home with their friends and crash. They leave their mess. They had it coming. My timing was bad though.

 

[momrek06]

With two sons in college...Masters and Sophomore...when they return home they can ONLY put all their crap in the basement...let me tell you how great this works...as they spend the next several days cleaning everything out and throwing crap they will never use again away and actually getting the boxes all organized for Sept...as at the END of the school year, everything comes home in boxes in shambles as vs when we take them to school...

As far as friends...I am going to say you were really being tolerant through all this and then BOOM you lose it and the screaming starts....OP: BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!!! but you know what...it is out now, they know you are upset and hopefully this behavior will not continue...AND if it starts again with their crazy antics (silliness and breaking of book shelves), just re-remind them of your talk/or rant from today!!

OP: I am SURE your sons are not over at their friend's houses carrying on and breaking furniture???

Hang in there, OP..I think it is really good you are dealing with all this NOW and not like in July when you would be pulling your hair out by then...

 

[Michie]

I brainwashed all my kids at an early age that cleanliness is next to godliness Smartest thing I ever did

I have boys in college, and when they graduated from highschool I stopped their friends from spending the night.

Have you tried setting a time for them to clean? Say instead of going out/bringing your pals over you have to clean XYZ? and if they dont, make them pay for a cleaning person to come in.

 

[Tiggeroo]

I"m in a small three bedroom condo. That's part of the problem. We have talked about moving but I live 2 houses from the beach. My boys have begges us not to move. But it makes it tough for storage. I have a storage room. I've told him dump the stuff there. Then go back and bring back a box at a time. You'd think from their friends faces they've never seen a mom yell. What planet do they live on.
It was them not hearing me about the mess for 5 weeks, finding ways to disappear when it's time to deal with it, me cleaning up every morning, snotty 21yo who thinks I'm way too picky, boy breaking shelf then goofing and trying to hide it, dh getting cranky cause there's a crowd most nights, son being miserable cause he had to stay in and get it done, son who goes to CC not having class registration done yet... Aargh. I just wish they'd say sorry mom, you're right. We totally understand what you're saying and we love you.

 

[Michie]

I"m in a small three bedroom condo. That's part of the problem. We have talked about moving but I live 2 houses from the beach. My boys have begges us not to move. But it makes it tough for storage. I have a storage room. I've told him dump the stuff there. Then go back and bring back a box at a time. You'd think from their friends faces they've never seen a mom yell. What planet do they live on.
It was them not hearing me about the mess for 5 weeks, finding ways to disappear when it's time to deal with it, me cleaning up every morning, snotty 21yo who thinks I'm way too picky, boy breaking shelf then goofing and trying to hide it, dh getting cranky cause there's a crowd most nights, son being miserable cause he had to stay in and get it done, son who goes to CC not having class registration done yet... Aargh. I just wish they'd say sorry mom, you're right. We totally understand what you're saying and we love you.

You know If I was you, I would move if I wanted to. They are big boys now, and they need to realize that you have a life outside of them. And if they want a place close to the beach, they had better start saving up. You think they will ever leave home living that close to the beach? Don't let them be too comfortable at home or they will never leave!~that is my motto!!

 

[Tiggeroo]

are you kidding. At this point i'm looking forward to having a roomy 3br condo on the beach with all my kids gone. I've been making things a little bit more and more uncomfortable. They also know that kids who stay after college share in the bills. One is a sr the others are going to be sophs, so hopefully three more summers. Some days I just think, I"ve failed as a parent and they are going into the world clueless how to be neat or considerate.
And no they don't do this at their friends house. Their friends parents love having them over. I've been with them at friends and seen them load dish machines.

 

[Michie]

are you kidding. At this point i'm looking forward to having a roomy 3br condo on the beach with all my kids gone. I've been making things a little bit more and more uncomfortable. They also know that kids who stay after college share in the bills. One is a sr the others are going to be sophs, so hopefully three more summers. Some days I just think, I"ve failed as a parent and they are going into the world clueless how to be neat or considerate.
And no they don't do this at their friends house. Their friends parents love having them over. I've been with them at friends and seen them load dish machines.

I don't blame you. Maybe move to another beach house and not tell them

If they can't wash/load their own dishes, maybe make them buy their own paper plates and cups? That is what a friend of mine does with her college girls. She also makes them pay for the cleaning lady.

I would use the beach location as leverage Tell them if they don't start helping that you are moving to a downtown 1 bed condo. Maybe even get some phamplets and leave them on the table.

 

[Tiggeroo]

the boys come home and I call them in to talk with them individually. I tell them each I'm sorry for the way I said it but not sorry for what i said. I love them and I want them to understand my point of view on this. I said that's what adults do. They understand people even if they don't agree with them. Then they try to find a middle ground. But it's my house and there are some rules I enforce here. I hug them and tell them I love them.
One son is polite says ok and not much more. He says, nicely, I know what you are saying.
The other son says he was going to call and apologize. He knows why i'm upset and he's sorry. I can actually feel that he understands what I"m saying. He may not agree with me fully but he's going to make an honest effort to deal with things around the house.
So I got a 50/50 success rate. But the other son is more hard headed. He could know full well that you are right about something and wouldn't admit it to save his life. So maybe he gets it on some level. If your kids are little love it. This young adult/late teen phase is so much harder then any stage we've had.

 

[shortbun]

You are a great mom! They should NOT be allowed to run rough shod over your home. Their friends were out of line and should have been contrite when the book shelf broke. My son is 10 and our house is the hang out right now. The kids know there are lines you do not cross. I HOPE I can keep that atmosphere while they still feel comfortable being here!!! Keep up the good work Mom. Glad you got their attention at last.

 

[BuzzBoyMom]

I can't believe there isn't a parent on earth who hasn't "lost it" with their child. Sounds like you were reasonable and handled the situation the best you could. I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe their friends were more amazed that you put up with the mess for so long...since their moms probably wouldn't.

Hugs from one mom to another!

 

[powellrj]

I understand how you feel. My DS who is 23 just left yesterday and I feel so guilty saying how peaceful it is now that he is back at his post. He was home on 30 day medical leave from injuries he got in Iraq. I had to deal with the guilt of getting mad at him for turning our lives upside down, then I would hear about a soldier that didn't make it home and hate myself for getting ticked off over his making our house a total mess. He didn't do anything we asked him to do. I mean things like throw away your trash and put your dishes in the sink. I was picking up and washing his dirty laundry that some how never made it to the hamper. The day I was really at my wits end was the day they found the 2 kids that were POWs. Guilt hit me again. I have no backbone, so I am not able to offer any advise other than offer hugs and sympathy!

 

[Tiggeroo]

Oh man Powellrj you poor thing. I can't imagine dealing with the kind of annoyance 23yo's are capable of and guilt. I guess just remember, their leaders in Iraq don't let guilt keep them from running a tight ship. Both of my boys are into sports, one of them in college on a track scholarship. Yesterday a local boy died playing football. Then they had a chart of the number of hs/college athletes in each sport who have died over the past 5 years. Track had, I think 12. Also, last summer two college guys my sons know died, one accident one suicide. I worry that when I get upset at them something bad will happen too. (I know silly)
I imagine when your son comes home it's like when my boys are home for the summer. He tries to cram visiting and seeing every person he's missed into the little time he has. He feels like he won't have enough time. That's what I see with my boys plus they work alot. This means running in showering, running out. Eating and running out, etc. But I just can't do it. It's my summer too and since they've been home I haven't been to the beach.

 

[powellrj]

wow, I didn't mean to sound so whiney!! Sorry I came off that way!

It makes you wonder what their rooms look like back at school. I'll bet they look nothing like they do at home!!

Get to the beach and enjoy yourself!!!

 

[Tiggeroo]

you weren't whiney at all. I just can relate, but not nearly on your level. I know if my boys were in the military and going back to Iraq I wouldn't be able to be hard on them. I also know that they'd know that and milk it for everything it's worth. I'm getting ready to take a boardwalk walk in a few minutes. My son went away with two bags of clothes and came back with six. He had no money so I don't know how that happened.

 

[Nancy]

They're working, alot. That's part of the problem. They work 6-7 days a week, 12hr days. Then they come home with their friends and crash. They leave their mess. They had it coming. My timing was bad though.

Nah, your timing wasn't bad, you just had the proverbial "straw that broke the camel's back" happen when their friends were over. I have had it happen to me too. I've made all the friends leave too. I do apologize to the friends next time I see them, something like "sorry you got to witness my little outburst last time you were over" they are usually telling me not to worry about it cause their Mom is worse!

 

[powellrj]

you weren't whiney at all. I just can relate, but not nearly on your level. I know if my boys were in the military and going back to Iraq I wouldn't be able to be hard on them. I also know that they'd know that and milk it for everything it's worth. I'm getting ready to take a boardwalk walk in a few minutes. My son went away with two bags of clothes and came back with six. He had no money so I don't know how that happened.

If he is like my DS, there was a girl involved in shopping with him. If not a girl, then when everyone was packing up to leave, it was "hey man, don't throw that away, I can use it."

 

[momrek06]

They're working, alot. That's part of the problem. They work 6-7 days a week, 12hr days. Then they come home with their friends and crash. They leave their mess. They had it coming. My timing was bad though.

This is eaxctly like my 23yo. He works full-time and is taking Master's summer classes (which is unnecessary as he can take them in the Fall) and a girlfriend... anyway..he has no time for anything else...hence LAST Tues I actually looked at him and said "LET'S GET THIS PLACE IN ORDER...I feel like the walls are closing in on me". Girlfriend is going to Italy with her fam for 10 days and DH & I insisted he NOT register for another class (this one ended just last night)(can you imagine us talking him OUT of a college class) BUT he was letting so much else go AROUND OUR HOUSE. Soooo, as of Thur June 29th for the next 10 days he will work days and STRAIGHTEN UP his life at night. I actually have a list right next to my computer with EIGHT items on it. Come on he just had a bday and has sent NO ONE thank you notes...he still has sooo much crap to organize in the basement..he has his bills to pay...

So, OP: you are so NORMAL so RIGHT in all your actions....OH ya, we love them all to death and cannot imagine our lives with out them BUT sometimes they push our buttons and we need to push back ourselves.

 

[Disney Doll]

You were far more patient than my mother would have been. She'd have tossed me, my stuff, and my friends (after they gave her $$ to fix the shelf ) out onto the front lawn if that had gone on for that long, me working or not.