DH's let down by friend

[leight]

I've always been rather jealous of Dh & his bf- they've been as close as brothers since grade school and I lost most of my close friends during the horror of my first marriage. I've always thought it was great that they had each other thru the good and bad of their last 30+ years.

Background: the friend was our best man and although he lives on the west coast, they usually spoke at least once a week. More often when he went thru a horrible divorce .The friend had serious money issues after the divorce so he and his boys would visit us and we made sure that they had a good time, lent our car for cross state visits to relatives, stocked the house with food so that even activities like going to the pool wouldn't cost anything- he could pack big lunches on the days we couldn't be off from work(he'd come 3-4 times a year the first two years).
His first 'serious' gf two years ago showed that he wasn't going to be in as much touch with dh- but would be concentrating all on the gf. When they broke up, he called almost daily. Last year dh took a week off work with no pay to be there when our 18yr old nephew passed away suddenly from heart failure. We never thought of his not going, although we couldn't afford for me or the kids to go.
Shortly after that, he started dating another woman and got serious with her. Same thing, weeks would go between calls, except when there was trouble. IE- one day he's calling saying she's suffocating him, he breaks up with her- then the next day he moves in with her. A few months later- he's thinking about breaking up with her again, dh counsels him and he & the gf go into counselling. About two months ago, he calls with concerns again, dh gives him 'guarded advice'- meaning that he feels the friend is going to stay with the gf and dh doesn't want the advice to come back and bite him in the butt. No less then two weeks later- dh sees the gf posting on facebook that they were headed for vacation. Dh calls the friend, who said he was having phone trouble and he'll call him back. Did he? No. Two days later on FB the gf is gushing about the romantic proposal! No call from the friend- (while the gf is posting on facebook 20 times a day)- until 3 days after they got back and then the friend says they are not getting married- just committed (isn't living together commitment?) DH was so hurt by all this- he doesn't feel like he's getting the truth from his friend and its killing him.

Fast forward to last nite- he gets a message from his buddy that they've broken up and please call back. Dh and the friend's family then get a message from the ex-GF saying the friend has anger issues and please get him help-we didn't respond to this ridiculous message either.

Dh didn't call his friend and didn't answer when the friend called his cell a few hrs later. He hasn't told him that I had surgery last week. He's hurt and I just hope that they can get thru this. It was always so much fun watching the two of them together - like a couple of 15 yr old boys let loose each time they hung out. While I feel that his friend has acted with the immaturity of a 15 yr old, I don't want this to end badly as I think dh really needs this friendship. I've hated having to sit back the last few months and do nothing- watching dh hurting. But now I think his friend needs to kiss up and make some real efforts. I won't do anything as I don't feel its my place but it is hard. Any thoughts?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I've always been rather jealous of Dh & his bf- they've been as close as brothers since grade school and I lost most of my close friends during the horror of my first marriage. I've always thought it was great that they had each other thru the good and bad of their last 30+ years.

Background: the friend was our best man and although he lives on the west coast, they usually spoke at least once a week. More often when he went thru a horrible divorce .The friend had serious money issues after the divorce so he and his boys would visit us and we made sure that they had a good time, lent our car for cross state visits to relatives, stocked the house with food so that even activities like going to the pool wouldn't cost anything- he could pack big lunches on the days we couldn't be off from work(he'd come 3-4 times a year the first two years).
His first 'serious' gf two years ago showed that he wasn't going to be in as much touch with dh- but would be concentrating all on the gf. When they broke up, he called almost daily. Last year dh took a week off work with no pay to be there when our 18yr old nephew passed away suddenly from heart failure. We never thought of his not going, although we couldn't afford for me or the kids to go.
Shortly after that, he started dating another woman and got serious with her. Same thing, weeks would go between calls, except when there was trouble. IE- one day he's calling saying she's suffocating him, he breaks up with her- then the next day he moves in with her. A few months later- he's thinking about breaking up with her again, dh counsels him and he & the gf go into counselling. About two months ago, he calls with concerns again, dh gives him 'guarded advice'- meaning that he feels the friend is going to stay with the gf and dh doesn't want the advice to come back and bite him in the butt. No less then two weeks later- dh sees the gf posting on facebook that they were headed for vacation. Dh calls the friend, who said he was having phone trouble and he'll call him back. Did he? No. Two days later on FB the gf is gushing about the romantic proposal! No call from the friend- (while the gf is posting on facebook 20 times a day)- until 3 days after they got back and then the friend says they are not getting married- just committed (isn't living together commitment?) DH was so hurt by all this- he doesn't feel like he's getting the truth from his friend and its killing him.

Fast forward to last nite- he gets a message from his buddy that they've broken up and please call back. Dh and the friend's family then get a message from the ex-GF saying the friend has anger issues and please get him help-we didn't respond to this ridiculous message either.

Dh didn't call his friend and didn't answer when the friend called his cell a few hrs later. He hasn't told him that I had surgery last week. He's hurt and I just hope that they can get thru this. It was always so much fun watching the two of them together - like a couple of 15 yr old boys let loose each time they hung out. While I feel that his friend has acted with the immaturity of a 15 yr old, I don't want this to end badly as I think dh really needs this friendship. I've hated having to sit back the last few months and do nothing- watching dh hurting. But now I think his friend needs to kiss up and make some real efforts. I won't do anything as I don't feel its my place but it is hard. Any thoughts?

How exactly has this friend let your dh down? I am not getting it.

 

[DisTeach1]

Way too much drama and your husband's friend and his GF sound like white trash.

I'm not seeing a big problem either.

 

[robinb]

I've always been rather jealous of Dh & his bf- they've been as close as brothers since grade school and I lost most of my close friends during the horror of my first marriage. I've always thought it was great that they had each other thru the good and bad of their last 30+ years.

Background: the friend was our best man and although he lives on the west coast, they usually spoke at least once a week. More often when he went thru a horrible divorce .The friend had serious money issues after the divorce so he and his boys would visit us and we made sure that they had a good time, lent our car for cross state visits to relatives, stocked the house with food so that even activities like going to the pool wouldn't cost anything- he could pack big lunches on the days we couldn't be off from work(he'd come 3-4 times a year the first two years).
His first 'serious' gf two years ago showed that he wasn't going to be in as much touch with dh- but would be concentrating all on the gf. When they broke up, he called almost daily. Last year dh took a week off work with no pay to be there when our 18yr old nephew passed away suddenly from heart failure. We never thought of his not going, although we couldn't afford for me or the kids to go.
Shortly after that, he started dating another woman and got serious with her. Same thing, weeks would go between calls, except when there was trouble. IE- one day he's calling saying she's suffocating him, he breaks up with her- then the next day he moves in with her. A few months later- he's thinking about breaking up with her again, dh counsels him and he & the gf go into counselling. About two months ago, he calls with concerns again, dh gives him 'guarded advice'- meaning that he feels the friend is going to stay with the gf and dh doesn't want the advice to come back and bite him in the butt. No less then two weeks later- dh sees the gf posting on facebook that they were headed for vacation. Dh calls the friend, who said he was having phone trouble and he'll call him back. Did he? No. Two days later on FB the gf is gushing about the romantic proposal! No call from the friend- (while the gf is posting on facebook 20 times a day)- until 3 days after they got back and then the friend says they are not getting married- just committed (isn't living together commitment?) DH was so hurt by all this- he doesn't feel like he's getting the truth from his friend and its killing him.

Fast forward to last nite- he gets a message from his buddy that they've broken up and please call back. Dh and the friend's family then get a message from the ex-GF saying the friend has anger issues and please get him help-we didn't respond to this ridiculous message either.

Dh didn't call his friend and didn't answer when the friend called his cell a few hrs later. He hasn't told him that I had surgery last week. He's hurt and I just hope that they can get thru this. It was always so much fun watching the two of them together - like a couple of 15 yr old boys let loose each time they hung out. While I feel that his friend has acted with the immaturity of a 15 yr old, I don't want this to end badly as I think dh really needs this friendship. I've hated having to sit back the last few months and do nothing- watching dh hurting. But now I think his friend needs to kiss up and make some real efforts. I won't do anything as I don't feel its my place but it is hard. Any thoughts?

No real advise but {{hugs}}. I was in your DH's shoes about 5 years ago and I lost my friend of over 20 years because of his new wife. She is very controlling and he too went on a roller coaster ride of emotions as he tried to fight back by breaking up with her. Repeatedly. And then he would come to me (and other friends) and complain about her. I was upset to see him so hurt by her and I said some things that eventually bit me in the butt. Sadly, like a moth to flame, he always went back to her. Once she got her claws firmly in him and his squirming ceased she promptly married him (on the sly, they didn't even tell his mom and they were in their 40's!) and she proceeded to cut as many of his friends out of his life as she could . Then she started on his church and family . She really wanted to be his one and only.

By the time I realized that it was a losing proposition for me to object to her it was way too late. The damage was done and she hated me even after I tried to "make nice" with her for his sake.

If I were in that situation again, I would probably reach out to my friend and not mention the GF in anything other than positive terms. Even if he is talking trash about her. The other thing I would recommend is that communication is a two way street and that if your DH wants to keep in touch then maybe he needs to make more of an effort when he friend is in the thrall of the GF.

Good luck to your DH. It was one of the hardest thing I ever did to finally admit to myself that my friendship was gone.

 

[sunnyday123]

I get posting about teen drama-but 45 year old husband drama?? Not so much.

 

[AlleyKat]

I've always been rather jealous of Dh & his bf- they've been as close as brothers since grade school and I lost most of my close friends during the horror of my first marriage. I've always thought it was great that they had each other thru the good and bad of their last 30+ years.

Background: the friend was our best man and although he lives on the west coast, they usually spoke at least once a week. More often when he went thru a horrible divorce .The friend had serious money issues after the divorce so he and his boys would visit us and we made sure that they had a good time, lent our car for cross state visits to relatives, stocked the house with food so that even activities like going to the pool wouldn't cost anything- he could pack big lunches on the days we couldn't be off from work(he'd come 3-4 times a year the first two years).
His first 'serious' gf two years ago showed that he wasn't going to be in as much touch with dh- but would be concentrating all on the gf. When they broke up, he called almost daily. Last year dh took a week off work with no pay to be there when our 18yr old nephew passed away suddenly from heart failure. We never thought of his not going, although we couldn't afford for me or the kids to go.
Shortly after that, he started dating another woman and got serious with her. Same thing, weeks would go between calls, except when there was trouble. IE- one day he's calling saying she's suffocating him, he breaks up with her- then the next day he moves in with her. A few months later- he's thinking about breaking up with her again, dh counsels him and he & the gf go into counselling. About two months ago, he calls with concerns again, dh gives him 'guarded advice'- meaning that he feels the friend is going to stay with the gf and dh doesn't want the advice to come back and bite him in the butt. No less then two weeks later- dh sees the gf posting on facebook that they were headed for vacation. Dh calls the friend, who said he was having phone trouble and he'll call him back. Did he? No. Two days later on FB the gf is gushing about the romantic proposal! No call from the friend- (while the gf is posting on facebook 20 times a day)- until 3 days after they got back and then the friend says they are not getting married- just committed (isn't living together commitment?) DH was so hurt by all this- he doesn't feel like he's getting the truth from his friend and its killing him.

Fast forward to last nite- he gets a message from his buddy that they've broken up and please call back. Dh and the friend's family then get a message from the ex-GF saying the friend has anger issues and please get him help-we didn't respond to this ridiculous message either.

Dh didn't call his friend and didn't answer when the friend called his cell a few hrs later. He hasn't told him that I had surgery last week. He's hurt and I just hope that they can get thru this. It was always so much fun watching the two of them together - like a couple of 15 yr old boys let loose each time they hung out. While I feel that his friend has acted with the immaturity of a 15 yr old, I don't want this to end badly as I think dh really needs this friendship. I've hated having to sit back the last few months and do nothing- watching dh hurting. But now I think his friend needs to kiss up and make some real efforts. I won't do anything as I don't feel its my place but it is hard. Any thoughts?

You and your DH need to reevaluate the seemingly one-sidedness of this friendship!

 

[AlleyKat]

I get posting about teen drama-but 45 year old husband drama?? Not so much.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

Sometimes you just gotta trim the fat... let him go, it's not a healthy relationship.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yep, based on another current post... Why do adults hang on to dysfunctional "friendships", and actually feel that the other person OWES them something... Nobody actually OWES anyone else anything.

And, again with the middle school FaceBook drama...

 

[need2cruise]

I think it is important for your dh to openly talk to his friend. That is the only way to work out kinks in a friendship. If you can't talk to your friend about issues, then what is that friendship based on?

I know I have friends I wouldn't discuss things that bothered me with them..but I also know the limits of those friendships. But I have many friends I go back to middle/high school with and we can talk out issues we may have had and resolve them.

And sometimes, a friendship has run its course. When it negatively impacts you....and all you can think about is the wrong doings of the other and you can't get past it and can't talk about it to them........then it's pretty much over or the type of friendship will alter and it'll become more like an acquaintance.

 

[TeresaBelle]

I've always been rather jealous of Dh & his bf- they've been as close as brothers since grade school and I lost most of my close friends during the horror of my first marriage. I've always thought it was great that they had each other thru the good and bad of their last 30+ years.

Background: the friend was our best man and although he lives on the west coast, they usually spoke at least once a week. More often when he went thru a horrible divorce .The friend had serious money issues after the divorce so he and his boys would visit us and we made sure that they had a good time, lent our car for cross state visits to relatives, stocked the house with food so that even activities like going to the pool wouldn't cost anything- he could pack big lunches on the days we couldn't be off from work(he'd come 3-4 times a year the first two years).
His first 'serious' gf two years ago showed that he wasn't going to be in as much touch with dh- but would be concentrating all on the gf. When they broke up, he called almost daily. Last year dh took a week off work with no pay to be there when our 18yr old nephew passed away suddenly from heart failure. We never thought of his not going, although we couldn't afford for me or the kids to go.
Shortly after that, he started dating another woman and got serious with her. Same thing, weeks would go between calls, except when there was trouble. IE- one day he's calling saying she's suffocating him, he breaks up with her- then the next day he moves in with her. A few months later- he's thinking about breaking up with her again, dh counsels him and he & the gf go into counselling. About two months ago, he calls with concerns again, dh gives him 'guarded advice'- meaning that he feels the friend is going to stay with the gf and dh doesn't want the advice to come back and bite him in the butt. No less then two weeks later- dh sees the gf posting on facebook that they were headed for vacation. Dh calls the friend, who said he was having phone trouble and he'll call him back. Did he? No. Two days later on FB the gf is gushing about the romantic proposal! No call from the friend- (while the gf is posting on facebook 20 times a day)- until 3 days after they got back and then the friend says they are not getting married- just committed (isn't living together commitment?) DH was so hurt by all this- he doesn't feel like he's getting the truth from his friend and its killing him.

Fast forward to last nite- he gets a message from his buddy that they've broken up and please call back. Dh and the friend's family then get a message from the ex-GF saying the friend has anger issues and please get him help-we didn't respond to this ridiculous message either.

Dh didn't call his friend and didn't answer when the friend called his cell a few hrs later. He hasn't told him that I had surgery last week. He's hurt and I just hope that they can get thru this. It was always so much fun watching the two of them together - like a couple of 15 yr old boys let loose each time they hung out. While I feel that his friend has acted with the immaturity of a 15 yr old, I don't want this to end badly as I think dh really needs this friendship. I've hated having to sit back the last few months and do nothing- watching dh hurting. But now I think his friend needs to kiss up and make some real efforts. I won't do anything as I don't feel its my place but it is hard. Any thoughts?

While tragic and sad, I can't see what nephews passing has to do with your DH and his BFF??

 

[robinb]

While tragic and sad, I can't see what nephews passing has to do with your DH and his BFF??

I read it as the friend's nephew, not the OP's nephew.

 

[tlbwriter]

So it sounds like his friend is one of those people who drops his pals when he gets a SO - usually you hear about women doing this, but men can be that way too!

 

[TeresaBelle]

I read it as the friend's nephew, not the OP's nephew.

hmmm.. but she says "when our 18yr old nephew passed away"??

 

[design_mom]

hmmm.. but she says "when our 18yr old nephew passed away"??

I took it to mean the BFF's 18 year old son. Since she said that her DH and the friend were "as close as brothers" maybe she considers the friend's kids her nieces and nephews.

We don't do it with friends, but I have a family member I refer to as a nephew and he refers to me as an aunt. I think he's technically my husband's first cousin's son (I'm only related by marriage!). It's easier just to say nephew/aunt... although, in the OP's story, I agree it confuses the matter.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

hmmm.. but she says "when our 18yr old nephew passed away"??

Even if it was a typo, it was his choice to go and be with the friend. If he could not afforded time off without pay then he shouldn't had done it.

You can't do things and then blame it on someone else "because". You have free will and can act like an adult.

To me it sounds like OP's DH is finally doing that and she is discouraging it because of history.

 

[robinb]

hmmm.. but she says "when our 18yr old nephew passed away"??

I know. But that didn't make any sense in the story so I assumed she wrote "our" instead of "his" because she was typing quickly and/or upset.

 

[robinb]

Even if it was a typo, it was his choice to go and be with the friend. If he could not afforded time off without pay then he shouldn't had done it.

You can't do things and then blame it on someone else "because". You have free will and can act like an adult.

To me it sounds like OP's DH is finally doing that and she is discouraging it because of history.

Huh? I took it as an example of how close the two men were. That the DH didn't think twice about being there for his friend. Not as a complaint that the DH spent the money and how they couldn't "afford it".

 

[LuvOrlando]

Male friendships are just so different from female friendships. Guys could not see each other for weeks or decades and pick up like nothing has changed. Can I ask, is your DH actually hurt by his friend or are you reading into it with your female friendship expectations? When I get worried for one of them and speak up my DH & DS12 are forever telling me "Guys just don't do that" My DH was surprised that some of his friends asked how my recent surgery went because, apparently, guys don't do a whole lot of that sort of thing except in the most extreme of cases.

Can I suggest that you reach out a welcoming hand to the new girlfriend? If you are really worried about your DH remaining friends with this guy the best thing you can do is warm up to the new woman in his life and show that you guys are no threat to her. If she feels welcome into your existing relationship, which she should be considering he cares for her, then your DH and him should be fine.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Huh? I took it as an example of how close the two men were. That the DH didn't think twice about being there for his friend. Not as a complaint that the DH spent the money and how they couldn't "afford it".

I am taking it that way too.