DH is an out of control spender

[twinsmom]

I work fulltime making just over 100,000 annually. Husband owns and runs a successful business but puts all the money back into the business. He keeps on spending so we only get about 40,000 salary from him. Problem is he spends all kinds on money needlessly. Always buying things for others, family and friends, our kids etc. I am going crazy over it. We have so much debt and much of it is on our own name even though it is business debt. Help!

 

[KirstenB]

I'm sorry. I'm the spender in our family, and am actively "not spending" because I've dug us into a hole. My dh showed me our bills, and I realized we needed to make changes. Have you had a heart-to-heart with him, with all the bills laid out?

 

[twinsmom]

I have had a heart to heart and he gets so upset with himself but has not been able to change his spending. It is as if he wants to always please everyone.....when groups ask for sponsorships to some fundraiser, event lent an employee money and here we are with huge credit card debt. He is a wonderful man, great father but this is really killing me. I have always been the one to watch the money but not a tight wad but he is out of control!

 

[peyton18]

If he's always buying things for others, it sounds like it's not just business debt. I agree you need to talk to him asap, lay everything out on paper. This seems to make a bigger impact than just talking about it. My best friend is getting a divorce because her husband was the exact same way. He's in the middle of a bankruptcy & owes $300,000 on credit cards alone!

 

[tomthebarncat]

I would put him on a weekly budget and explain the importance of sticking to it. He can spend it now and you can pay forever, or save it and do something substantial with it. My spouse used to do this and I basically took control of all of our finances and we are now fine, have no debt, I don't believe in it. He makes his budget work and any purchase over 100 euros or dollars has to be agreed upon before the money is spent. I will not tolerate financial foolishness.

 

[twinsmom]

Oh heck. Thats terrible. I was thinking about going to a counselor or something with him. Both of us could benefit from it I'm sure. I know I would.

 

[twinsmom]

I have 3 credit cards and I use them for work (i travel) then all of a sudden i find he charged something for his business on there for $2.000 or so. Crazy! I want to cancel the cards but I travel allot and do expense reports which takes about 15 days to get the money back so a debit card would not work. I am tired of the finacial stupidity for sure!

 

[surfergirl602]

I have 3 credit cards and I use them for work (i travel) then all of a sudden i find he charged something for his business on there for $2.000 or so. Crazy! I want to cancel the cards but I travel allot and do expense reports which takes about 15 days to get the money back so a debit card would not work. I am tired of the finacial stupidity for sure!

If the cards are in your name, put them some place where he cannot find them, and take his name off the account and cancel any cards that he may has.

I feel terrible for you - my DH is a wasteful spender... not in access as your husband, but is always buying food for lunch, hunting stuff, says he wants a boat, wants a new truck, just stupid stuff, and it all adds up! He's spent a few hundred dollars on food this month alone! Eating out, going to get fast food instead of bringing lunch to work with him... just crazy, and it really irritates me! It's one of the biggest arguments we have. We have a lot of bills to pay, and all that money he spent could have gone into savings.

We've blown through our tax return - that was supposed to be paying for our disney trip! - on stupid stuff that we really didn't even need, but were luxury items that we had wanted. A dyson, a new kitchen table set, just stuff that we didn't need, and I could have gone without. I would much rather spend it on our family vacation.

I feel your pain on some degree.

 

[peyton18]

My friend went to counseling alone & said she would definitely recommend it. Her ex was ridiculous, $300K on credit cards, $150K student loans, he cashed in a 20 yr 401k & didn't bother to report it to the IRS so he had major penalties from that. He was responsible for 3 mortgages (2 of which he used to pay off credit cards & then charged them back up). She didn't realize the extent of it until his bankruptcy papers came to the house (he had moved out at this point). You definitely need to intervene now!

 

[DCLbrideSept2009]

Oh heck. Thats terrible. I was thinking about going to a counselor or something with him. Both of us could benefit from it I'm sure. I know I would.

See if you can find Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University somewhere near you (a lot of churches offer it - we just started it at our church a few weeks ago.) Or I believe you can do the course online. Then get your DH to do it with you. It's an eye opener!! We were amazed at what we were spending our money on and how much of it... (one month $1000 eating out!?!? ) We make decent money but were still living paycheck to paycheck. Now we are on a budget and have a PLAN for EVERY DOLLAR that comes in. It's MUCH less stressful for me because I know that bills are getting paid on time and how much is left over and where it's all going. We also have set a plan to get all our debt paid off. (All debt including CC's and cars will be paid off in 2 years or less.)

 

[twinsmom]

I will look in to Dave Ramsey for sure . I have watched his show many times

 

[eliza61]

I will look in to Dave Ramsey for sure . I have watched his show many times

One word of caution. Dave, Suzie, Oprah or any financial guru will not work unless both of you are on the same page and committed. It's like any other addiction, if he doesn't want to change than you can sign up for all the programs in the world and they won't work.

I'm probably the free spender in my family. so Dh handles the savings etc. But I am way better at getting bargains than my husband so when it comes time to spend I'm the point person.

What does help dh and I is that we both will set goals and budgets. We also like to eat out, so instead of going cold turkey we set limits. things like only 1 pizza dinner every other week, stuff like that.

 

[Mathfailure]

I have the cautionary tale to tell, and it isn't comfortable to hear or tell.

This is a huge problem if it is so totally out of control, and if his business books are so intermingled with your personal finances...you could get some huge nasty surprises. Get your personal finances separate, higher an accountant if needed, but do it soon.

Also, your husband may be a great man trying to please everyone, but he is trying to buy affection/goodwill and that never goes well. There may be deeper issues with his self worth that will need to be dealt with, as the spending is likely the symtom of another problem with is the real issue.

I dealt with a similar situation and have to say it ruined our marriage, it is hard to trust when your family needs are ignored because an adult cannot stop wasting money.

You are rightly angry, go to a counselor for you and see what you need to do in this situation.

 

[Good Morning Dewdrop]

I agree wholeheartedly with having a sit down and a budget for his spending. My dh was a spender when I met him - I took over all of our finances once we got married - got him out of debt (he had around $3k in cc) and gave him a set amount of spending $$ per week. It took a few years for him to really get the hang of it but we are debt free except for our mortgage.

If his big problem is wanting to make people happy - tell him to make you the bad guy. When people ask for money or things he can just say "I'm sorry you have to ask my wife - she's taken over the finances and I'll be in deep trouble if I spend" or something like that.

Good luck!

 

[G's mommy]

I work fulltime making just over 100,000 annually. Husband owns and runs a successful business but puts all the money back into the business. He keeps on spending so we only get about 40,000 salary from him. Problem is he spends all kinds on money needlessly. Always buying things for others, family and friends, our kids etc. I am going crazy over it. We have so much debt and much of it is on our own name even though it is business debt. Help!

Unfortunately, tons of business debt and "successful" will not last forever. We were in the same boat two years ago. Successful business, me with a decent paying job, not six figures but close. Then the recession hit, business slowed down, then the unthinkable happened to us, DH had a stroke. The business went under and most of that "business debt" became personal debt! He hasn't worked in two years, we are struggling to pay our double income bills on my single income. Our lives have totally changed and nothing is for the better. Get it under control now, get out of debt!

 

[mrsklamc]

I know how awful debt feels, but Run, don't walk to get your personal and business finances separated- now.

How on earth do you file taxes? An audit would be a nightmare- and supposedy the irs is stepping up the number of audits. Find out if the business can be an LLC so your personal finances aren't liable for company debt.

Once you get that straightened out, yes, absolutely- get rid of that debt!

 

[ohlas]

Oh honey how horrible to be in your shoes im sure you love this man that keeps making you feel inscure..

Ok breath take 72hr to make up your mind. the world will not blow up in your face in 3 days time... you have a hard decision to make

1. you dont do anything

2. you have another fight over money and then forgive him like normal

3. you sit down with out emoitions (like business deal) explain it all to him and tell him this stop now or xx will happen give him some time to make up his mind, if you take this opition he maywell walk out or scream and yell and try to fight dont fight its pointless it is one of those circle fights with no ends..

4. if you really dont care about him anymore not just the hurt talking get really good lawyer and therapist and walk away, divide all the debt or assets because if there is debt you did it by not doing anything actions.

you need to get some personal therapy and group too.

personally if you take the money out of the problem you have a disrespect, lack of communication problem not a money one... its just showning up in the money department now...

good luck, dear and i hope it gets better.

 

[Ka' eo]

I have had a heart to heart and he gets so upset with himself but has not been able to change his spending. It is as if he wants to always please everyone.....when groups ask for sponsorships to some fundraiser, event lent an employee money and here we are with huge credit card debt. He is a wonderful man, great father but this is really killing me. I have always been the one to watch the money but not a tight wad but he is out of control!

Does he really want to change? If so, make him sit down with you and see what he has spent. If he truly wants to buy in, then I would definitely work with an accountant. You could potentially have audits, back taxes with penalties, etc. He has to let go and give up his autonomy until he his issues are resolved (whatever is behind this out of control spending).

You did not mention if you have children with him, but that he is a great father. This will impact them from a financial perspective long and short term. Children adopt their parents' spending habits. He is teaching them something very detrimental and irresponsible. Does he want his kids to inherit this legacy?

The good news is you could be out of this mess quickly due to your very hefty income.

I would definitely draw the line in the sand and even set an ultimatum. He is going to bring you down with him if this does not stop. He is hurting himself, but worse, you.

 

[Planogirl]

My DH is somewhat like this too and it took years before he would finally admit that he was out of control. Now he wants me to handle all billing and budget concerns and he has no access to his own account by his own choice. The guy just never could get why he was causing problems but at least he understood that it had to stop.

I wish you well with this.

 

[mrsklamc]

My DH was never an out of control spender but he did get way more on fire about our budget after seeing Dave Ramsey LIVE. I don't know what the difference was, because he had been listening to him on the radio and watching him on TV anyway, but for some reason that live event really got to him.

Just thought I'd share in case it's some kind of weird guy thing.