Destination Wedding & a Guilty Conscience

[Strawberry Lemonade]

I would like some opinions on this situation: I have a friend who is getting married in the Caribbean this winter. She's from the west coast and I'm on the east coast (northeast). I knew she was getting married in the Caribbean (although I thought it was going to be in the spring - but that's a whole other story) so I was kind of preparing for the trip.

Anyway, it turns out that airfare is ridiculously high. Something like $500-$600 round trip per person (of course, DH would come with me). On top of that, we would have to pay for our own accommodations, transportation, meals, and a gift. Not to mention, I do not get paid for time I take off of work, which I would have to do since the ceremony itself is being held on a weekday.

She is a good friend of mine from high school and she was in my wedding. She traveled across the country, bought the dress, paid for her hotel room, etc. Here's where my guilty conscience kicks in. I would feel terrible if I didn't attend her wedding ceremony, especially after all she did to get to mine. I'm sure we could manage to pay for it all, but (and here's my really lame excuse) we have a few home-remodeling projects we had planned on doing and were sort of saving up for that. This is also where the supposed springtime wedding issue comes up: I thought I had a few more months to save up, turns out I don't.

I know she would understand if I couldn't make it, but I would feel like a bad friend. What do you think of the situation? Am I being selfish?

 

[auntpolly]

When someone has a wedding like this, they can't expect everyone to come. It's totally unreasonable. JMO

 

[poohandwendy]

Don't feel guilty and there is no reason to make up excuses. Be honest and tell her you are so sorry, that you would love to see her married, but you just cannot financially swing it at this time. Unless y'all are running in very wealthy circles, she will understand.

A person cannot expect other people to spend a few thousand dollars just to attend their wedding. As far as her spending money on a dress and such for your wedding, I think all attendants expect to shell out a few hundred....but a few thousand is way above the call of duty.

Just ask yourself this question, if the tables were turned and she told you she couldn't afford it (for whatever reason), would you hold it against her? I really doubt it.

 

[Lynn CC]

I don't think your being selfish at all. She should understand that is way too expensive, to ask anyone to dish out that kind of money without offering help, she is being selfish. Hopefully she will offer to pay for the air and hotel. If not I wouldn't feel guilty at all, maybe a little sad that I couldn't attend.
to be honest,I'd rather look at my home projects for the next 20 years than pictures of her wedding in a photo album!
DH and I paid for our guests that were from New York and Arizona to travel to the Cape and their rooms for the weekend while they were here.
Maybe you can give your friend an Extra-Nice wedding present, so you won't feel so guilty

 

[DMickey28]

I am getting married on the beach in St. Thomas and doing a week long cruise in October. we get married on Monday of the cruise.

We invited 30 people to go with us, 8 months ago. We have 11 going. Our family, his best friend, my best friend and her husband.

Did we expect everyone to go? Not at all. One of DFiance's best childhood friends is not going. He can't afford it. Could he afford it if he saved, yes!! Are we angry? Of course not. Is DFiance hurt? A little.

This is a vacation for everyone going with us as well. We don't expect them to revolve around us that week, we don't want them too.

I don't know where in the caribbean she is getting married or when. Our flights to San Juan ran everyone between $300-$450. If she is getting married on a popular island, perhaps where cruise ships stop what about looking into a cruise that stops at that island during that day... provided she is marrying in the daytime. It would probably be cheaper as far as flights either to San Juan or Florida and a cruise is for some reason more often cheaper than an all inclusive resort....

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I can certainly understand someone wanting the wedding of their dreams, but when they plan it at an exotic/expensive place, they should expect they will have to make the choice of location or attendees. I agree with the above posters. If she is a true friend, she will understand the limitations of your pocketbook. This is something she should have expected when deciding on her location.


I have a friend who attended a family friend's wedding on one of the little Keys in Florida with a resort on it, very intimate, private, expensive-she said it was $800/night. I think I would have politely declined the invitation and sent a lovely gift. Any investment over a few hundred dollars is asking WAY too much. Now, if they were offering to pay for it.....

 

[Kallison]

If you can't afford it don't go -- or just go by yourself for a few days and leave DH at home. We've been married for 20 years, out of my five bridesmaids I keep in close contact with one of them. I've found that friendships ebb and flow in life.

 

[Hillbeans]

Well, in her defense, she did give you an indication that it would be a destination wedding (hint hint - save) but with that being said, not everyone can spend $1500 on a friend's wedding. You can't drive there either, so there is no real way for you to skimp and save. Is there anyone who can possibly get you some FF miles for a cheaper flight???

I'm sure your friend would understand, and perhaps there should have been some offer from her to help defray the costs for you to go, however it sounds like she did fly across country for your wedding and she will probably expect you there.

If it were me, i'd go...good friendships are hard to find and i'd hate to ruin a friendship over money. I'd find the cheapest dress, cheapest red-eye flight and go. Again, my opinion.

 

[Pugsley]

You shouldn't feel guilty at all. I'm planning a destination wedding next spring (at WDW!) and I made that decision with the understanding that some of the people we would like to have there will not be able to make it. For anyone whose attendance is vital to us, we will pay for their travel expenses. I'm going to make it very clear to everyone we invite that, while we would love to have them there, we will understand if they can't make it.

 

[Strawberry Lemonade]

Thanks for all the great replies. I appreciate hearing opinions on both sides of the coin.

I don't think our friendship will be in jeopardy if I don't go. Like a few posters pointed out, just having a destination wedding means you have to expect people not to be able to attend. Plus, my friend is really laid-back. She's putting absolutely no pressure on me.

The thing is, I kind of WANT to go. I think it will be a beautiful ceremony, and let's face it, it's a Caribbean vacation. I haven't gotten the invitation yet, so I still have some time to decide.

 

[Beth76]

A couple people have said that this would be a vacation for you too and you should try to go. If this is truly a place that you would like to take a vacation (regardless of the wedding factor), then perhaps you should *try* to go. You could keep checking the airfare to see if it goes down to a reasonable price.

If it's not a place that you would choose for your vacation, then I say don't go. That is a lot of money to shell out for a place you don't want to go. An island in the caribbean is a different story from having to fly across the country. I'm sure her airfare didn't cost $600. Plus, I'm sure you didn't get married in the middle of the week.

I say you have no reason to feel guilty if you decide not to go. You could even send a really nice bottle of champagne or fruit basket to their room to let them know that you are thinking of them on their special day.

 

[Laura]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
Just ask yourself this question, if the tables were turned and she told you she couldn't afford it (for whatever reason), would you hold it against her? I really doubt it.

Good point.

And remember, traveling across the country to attend a wedding is one thing; flying to the Caribbean is another. A good friend would understand this.

 

[ahutton]

You might tell her how much you would like to go, but for right now you just aren't sure because of the cost. If a sale comes up for reduced airfare that make it reasonable then great. Or maybe her travel agent that has helped her can help find you a good deal?

We also did a destination wedding (WDW!!) and knew going in there were people who couldn't or wouldn't make the trip. We planned our wedding for us, and it was unforgetable.