Desperately need advice from ladies...

[HonestAbe]

This might turn out to be a long thread but ALL responses are appreciated. Here's the story. My beautiful bride finally got her wish last year and I took her on DCL 7 day cruise. The snorkeling in Grand Cayman was one of the best experiences of our lives. To keep this part of the story short, we all know the feeling of you take the cruise, come into port at the end and they kick you off the boat. Everyone is crushed. She was seriously depressed and cried for almost 2 weeks afterwards. It really broke my heart. I think part of it was because she has a hard time believing that we'll go back. I did promise her that when she finishes her MBA, we are going to go on another cruise to celebrate. That will be in mid April and I have every intention of fulfilling my promise to her.

Now for the really sad part. We have had 4 cats since we've been together. As a child I had numerous cats in our family. Dogs were there too of course. So dont take my next statement lightly. We had Buffy, who was honestly the sweetest kitty in the world. She was a cuddler. She has been having a lot of problems in the last couple years, mostly related to her kidneys. This is expected because she is 20 years old. We had our vacation planned for the first week of December 2006, but she was having problems so we had to cancel and instead we stayed home with her and nursed her back to health. This put strain on us both as we had cabin fever, had to forego our Disneyland vacation, and support a kitty who was urinating blood everywhere. I do believe if we hadnt cancelled our trip we would have lost her that week. She still wasnt doing well, but she was doing better and we decided to use this as an excuse to have Christmas at our house (we've been here 4 years!) instead of going out of town to stay with her dad. He was upset but frankly I dont care. It was the best Christmas we have had in 12 years. And we got to spend it with our ailing little angel. You could tell Buffy was happy to have Christmas with us. As we started opening gifts on the floor (wife loves that) Buffy laid on the floor between us and nuzzled the paper and purred. It was priceless.

Well her health had taken a turn for the worse in the last couple days and our vet who we trust implicitly agreed with our feeling it was probably time. So we had her put to sleep yesterday. My wife and I were alone in the room with her after the shot and talked her and stroked her and held her...until she was gone. That's only the second pet I've been with when they were put down and her first. Without a doubt, this has been a horrible weekend. But we are both thankful we had one last Christmas with her.

Now here's my dilemna. Ladies, if you havent realized it already men in these situations always try to do one thing. Fix it. We are fixers. And I want to mend her broken heart but I dont know how. I'm trying to listen but the wounds are still very fresh. What would you want your man to do in this situation? Money is no object. Would booking the cruise now help? A new kitten? Or should I seriously not do anything other than comfort her with physical contact and listen? She really doesnt have any girlfriends which I worry about a lot. I am her main source of support. And I dont want to let her down.

So for once, HonestAbe is at a loss for advice and is seeking some. Please help.

HonestAbe

 

[NMAmy]

Comfort her and listen. Please do not go out and get a new kitten immediately. Give her time to grieve.

Talk to her--offer to book a cruise if having something to look forward to will help her but drop the subject if she's not interested.

You sound like a very nice man. I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[ADisneygirl]

It is sad to lose a beloved pet. Sad for her and sad for you. Money/trips/gifts will not make it any easier. You are already doing what needs to be done, which is stand by her side, hold her hand, cry on each other's shoulders, and listen. Time will ease some of her pain and things will get back to normal. I understand you wanting to "fix it" right away, but I am afraid you can't. Just ride it out with her. You sound like a good man. A keeper.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I will take the bait here.... I would assume right now she would like to held and comforted over the loss of her cat that she loved... Further down the road, you said money is no object, maybe you would like to bring up the subject of a cruise, would she like to go on one again and let her do the planning so that it takes her mind of her loss. Maybe she would like to do something else in place of the cruise, and you probably should ask her what you could do to help her get through this loss.

 

[Serena]

Yep, you can't fix this.

You sound like a sweet man and you love her. And you are already doing everything you can.


for the most part, if you do everything you can with love, care, and concern, then even if it's wrong, it'll come out alright.

 

[Keli]

Personally I wouldn't want anything besides someone who was also sad about the loss. Save the gifts for later, a compensation cruise will do nothing but remind her of the kitten every time she thinks about it and the whole time she's on it.

 

[Denine]

Comfort and a shoulder to cry on.

The vet actually has given me something I treasure from my 2 kitties, paw prints in plaster with their names. These are their paw prints and they sit on my dresser.

 

[dmslush]

Comfort and listen. Don't bring in a new kitten right now.. let her decide when to get a new kitten. You don't want her to feel like you are trying to replace Buffy. Also, I wouldn't bring up the cruise right now. All she needs is to know that you love her and understand. And you need to understand that you can't fix her pain. As much as you want to, and as noble as your intentions, she has to work through it. Just keep giving her affection and comfort and it will be okay.

 

[shirleyb]

What a wonderful husband you sound like!

I know for myself, at least, having something new to focus on, helps in times of grief. Whether it's a new hobby or something else.

Maybe instead of a cruise, ask her if she'd like a week in the Caymans? That's where DH and I spent our honeymoon, and you're right, the snorkeling is amazing.

 

[Laura]

Everyone has given great advice here! It's hard to lose a pet, but there really isn't anything anyone can do to "fix" grief.

I wouldn't get a new kitten. It could be too soon. It was a year after I lost my last pet before I felt ready for a new one--but I didn't get a new pet until almost three years after that. It might take some time before you're both ready for that.

I think a cruise could give her something to look forward to, but I would just bring it up and if she doesn't seem interested, then drop it.

Just be there for her and let her know you understand and you're sad about it, too. Sometimes we women don't need our problems "fixed", we just need someone to vent and cry to.

 

[Disney-For-Life]

What an amazing man! You are so wonderful and supportive.
My advice is to just hold her when she needs to be held and be strong for her. Listen to her, and let her cry out the pain. Don't buy anything for her, and don't book any trips. She'll need to just get it out and all she really needs is for you to be there. Don't try and fix this, you can't.
I'm so sorry for your loss...

 

[HonestAbe]

To all of you - thank you for your wonderful advice. Especially the comment about potentially connecting a gift (cruise) to the passing of the kitty. I had never thought about that.

I cannot say how grateful I am for your insights.

Thank you so much.

HonestAbe

 

[Cheshire Figment]

Before Judy and I got married I was interviewed by her seal point siamese, Samantha. Years later I found a list of what Judy had been looking for in a husband, and number one on the list was "Must be accepted by Samantha", so I guess I passed that test.

Less than a year later Sam had kidney failure and had to be put to sleep. The next day Judy stayed home from work. Around 2:00 I got as call from her that she was on her way to the Arlington Shelter, where the day before someone had turned in a female seal point siamese for adoption. Pixel lived with us for 12 years, along with a pet ocicat, Sheeba, that we bought for her less than a year later.

Now Sheeba, who is 16, has a pet lilac point Siamese, Tally, of her own which I got from Siamese Rescue Society . I don't know about long-term plans for Tally, but I do know that since Sheeba was primarily Judy's cat, when she dies I will sneak her ashes under the ground at Judy's grave.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Just listen and be quiet and let her grieve. Do not buy a thing!!!
As someone else said it will connect it to the memory of the kitty's death.

The only thing I can think of is to do a memory book of your cats and include a special page for the kitty that passed on.
That would be something you could do which will be appreciated and lasting.

 

[Va-bear]

Comfort her and listen. Please do not go out and get a new kitten immediately. Give her time to grieve.

Talk to her--offer to book a cruise if having something to look forward to will help her but drop the subject if she's not interested.

You sound like a very nice man. I'm sorry for your loss.

I think this is great advice, comfort, talk (she MIGHT like the offer to book now, TALK and see...... I love having something to look forward to...)

Dont buy anything "big" like a kitten(unless she thinks she'd like that - she might...), but little things that show your thoughtfulness can be nice - a couple of her favorite magazines (who can focus on a book, when your sad, tired, etc?) and maybe bring in takeout from her favorite place (then she doesnt have to get "dressed"..) These show consideration w/out trying to BUY her happiness - your attention will do that.

 

[Sherri]

I am very attatched to my cats. When I lose one, it always feels like I lost a part of me. The best thing my dh has done for me is to give me lots of hugs when I needed them, and to listen to me talk about it when I needed to.
I'm sorry for your loss.

 

[almacdonald]

If I were your wife I would NOT want a new kitty. When my first dog died I couldn't even go into a pet store or look at a tennis ball without bursting into tears. If someone had brought me a new puppy right away I probably would have completely ignored it. I'm sure she will let you know when she's ready for a new pet.

As for a cruise on the other hand.... I would really appreciate the opportunity to think of something else for a little while. Planning a vacation is something you can do together and look forward to. Don't call it a "cruise cause your cat died", make it something exciting, completely separate from the kitty. I totally understand the post-vacation depression. I usually start planning the next one by the last day of our trip!

Oh, and another tip, ice cream always makes you feel less sad. Take her for ice cream!

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Everyone here is right.
While women might expect our men to 'fix' things like a leaky faucet. Or replace things like a broken hot water heater. When it comes to everything else, we need understanding and somebody to listen!!!

I do have one little idea of something that you might do.
I just LOVED your little Christmas story. Did you snap any photos of that??? (or something similar....) Sneak and have a small print made... Put it in a really beautiful fancy minature frame... Get some matching ribbon, like red satin or sparkly silver and tie a bow on the top. Voila!!! You have a beautiful and meaningful keepsake ornament to put on your Christmas tree every year!!!

to you both.

And, enjoy that cruise when you get on that ship!!!!

 

[Disney Doll]

You sound like a lovely wonderful man who really wants to fix this for her, but you can't. She is sad about your kitty, she is grieving and she has to go through it. You can't go aorund grief...you have to go through it.

Hug her, hold her, comfort her. Don't get another kitty right now...she'll let you know when she's ready. Be prepared to start discussing the planning of the cruise sometime within the next month, but don't sdo it right now. Giver her some time to heal from the kitty, otherwise the cruise will be a reminder that you guys planned after your beloved kitty died.

She will get through it...it just takes time. You are sweet to be so concerned. She is a lucky woman to have such a dear DH.

 

[ericamanda01]

The only thing that will help is time. Just being there for her will help more than you know. I'm so sorry for your loss.