Death of a spouse and dating? How soon is too soon?

[DebbieB]

In 1972, my grandmother (dad's mom) died from lung cancer in her late 50's, she had a woman who came in daily to take care of her at the end. She was a widow with a teenage son. My mom mentioned that it was strange that the woman was still coming around after my grandmother died. She started to suspect something was going on. My dad was furious at her for even thinking such a thing. Sure enough, 2 or 3 weeks later my grandfather announced he was marrying her! My grandparents had a happy marriage and my grandfather was the type of man who needed taking care of, he was probably in his early 60's. My dad's sister was furious! They wanted to get married immediately but waited about 6 months to calm down my aunt. His new wife shared a duplex with her sister and he moved in with her there. I was only a teenager and it was uncomfortable to have her around, she liked to drink. I did not like going there to visit or have her visit us. One time she was drunk and made the comment "when Debbie and Richie (her son) get married.....".

She died in 1994, after my dad died. Her sister called my aunt in Michigan and said "come get your dad". So my aunt took him to Michigan to live at a nursing home near her. From what my aunt said, he was chasing women around the nursing home! He died in 1999, I believe he was around 90. He was buried next to my grandmother.

When my dad died, my mom was in her late 50's. Someone made a joke at the funeral home about men are going to be chasing after her. That freaked out my brothers, they were really upset. I didn't have a problem with it. But she never did date again before she passed away about 12 years later.

 

[JessB320]

I worked with a gal in her late 20s who passed away after a 6 month battle with cancer. One month later her friend had moved in with the DH and 2 young children. They got married on the one year anniversary of the death- to replace a sad memory with a happy one for the kids. The whole thing creeped me out

 

[minniecarousel]

"One and done"

That describes me (& probably hubby too). I can't imagine training another husband at my age!

 

[LSmith]

Same thing for my dad when my mom died. It made us uncomfortable.

I was talking to a counselor about it then (dealing with the death of my mother) and he said that in general the happier someone has been in their marriage, the sooner they will start dating. It makes them bullish on relationships. People who have been unhappy will tend to want to be alone for a while.

But I agree OP, you can't know til you've walked in their shoes. Handling grief is so different for everyone and there is no right way.

I think my father brought a date to my mother's funeral. My parents had been together 40 years.

 

[ilovemk76]

If you bring a date to the funeral, they it is too soon.

 

[Disney Doll]

My opinion is that I think most people should take some time to mourn.

My experience is that most people don't do this.

Grief...you have to go through it, You can't go around it. It gets you eventually.

 

[snoopybabe]

My opinion is that I think most people should take some time to mourn.

My experience is that most people don't do this.

Grief...you have to go through it, You can't go around it. It gets you eventually.

Totally agree with this. I've been a widow for 18 months now & can't imagine dating someone else because I'm still in love with my husband. We were married for 24 years & he battled cancer on & off for 12. I'm still going through the grief process & I don't think it would be fair for myself, my family, or that person at this time.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I would say a year to a life time

 

[Tarheel Tink]

It's been 5 months of widowhood for me and I'm happy that I can finally return to wdw without busting out into tears. I can imagine dating let alone remarrying.

I am so sorry. I have not been on the boards much lately and did not know.

 

[low-key]

I think most would say a year, but how do you tell your heart it cant love sooner

 

[tvguy]

I guess the flip side of that is my wife's Grandfather. His wife died when he was 39. He started dating a lady with in a year of his wife dying. Dated exclusively for 25 years before they got married. They wanted to wait until they were retired before they even considered getting married, and they did not live together before either.

 

[momof1princess]

my grandfather died 8 1/2 years ago, and my grandmother would NEVER date another man-they were married almost 50 years when he died. however, if she had died first, i have no doubt that he would've remarried soon after. he needed someone to take care of him.

if i were to die before DH, i have no doubt that he'd remarry as soon as possible-he needs to be taken care of too (we've been married almost 21 years, and together almost 24 years). i realize all men aren't like this, and i'm not speaking of men in general, just my DGF and DH.

if DH died first, i would likely spend the rest of my life alone. i honestly can't imagine ever loving anyone else.

 

[EMom]

If you bring a date to the funeral, they it is too soon.

You joke, but..............

When I was 11, my best friend's father was killed in an accident. He was in his late 30s, his wife in her mid-30s. She had been raised by very conservative, religious parents and married young. Seemed like a "normal" mom compared to the rest and he was a great dad.

Anyway, he died and the funeral was a few days later. My parents went and I remember them coming home from the service and muttering things like, "Damnedest thing I've ever seen." "Did you ever think you'd see anything like that?" "Beats anything I've ever seen." Then they'd mutter more and shake their heads.

So I asked my older sister what was going on and had something happened at the funeral. Basically, the young widow had brought an "escort"......a date, to her husband's funeral. She called him a friend, but it was clear to everyone there he was acting like a date. She told people he had been her DH's friend, but it seemed as if he was really there for her. They started dating from that day on.

She managed to bury two other youngish husbands by the time she hit her fifties. Personally, I'd have run from her. Men didn't last long around that one.

 

[Callie]

My grandfather died when he was maybe 50ish? (I wasn't born), and to this day, my grandma has never dated another man, and she is 90. Every time she talks about him, she is still so in love with that man. Always talks about how he was too good for her. He died suddenly after fighting a fire and having a heart attack.

 

[JVL1018]

Have you beat...my dad started dating 3 weeks after...he had a slew of offers for coffee dates from women that came to the wake...it was surreal.

3 weeks for my father, too.
My parents 40th anniversary was in January. Mom was diagnosed with cancer in April, died in June, dad started dating in July(a woman he had not known prior to my mom dying) and was remarried in October.

I have not seen him since that July-coming up on 9 years.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

Same thing happened with my parents. My mom passed away in May, and my dad started dating in July, I think. He remarried the following January. He needed the companionship.

He passed away 10 years after that (2005), and I'm glad that he was able to find someone to be with for his last years. He was a great husband and father, so I wouldn't dishonor his decision.

 

[kaligal]

I think it varies from person to person. Some people never date again while others might have a new friend before the old spouse has passed on. And I don't think there is necessarily anything wrong with any of it.

I do like the idea of people moving on and loving again! Don't want anyone to be lonely.

But I understand why they might not wish to.

I don't put a time limit on anything, though I do think people might, under certain circumstances, wish to remain "friends" (as far as anyone else is concerned) for several months.

But, like the Grandpa said in Cold Sassy Tree, when announcing his intention to marry shortly after his wife died, "She's as dead as she'll ever be."

 

[LSmith]

Same thing happened with my parents. My mom passed away in May, and my dad started dating in July, I think. He remarried the following January. He needed the companionship.

He passed away 10 years after that (2005), and I'm glad that he was able to find someone to be with for his last years. He was a great husband and father, so I wouldn't dishonor his decision.

I agree.

 

[WDWBarb]

It's hard not to judge people for dating soon after the loss of a spouse, but the examples I've seen in my life show that (most times), it's because they are so lost and devastated that they are desperate for companionship. It's not a dishonor (most times) to the departed spouse but speaks more to the love they had together. The surviving partner wants to 'recreate' it as soon as possible. Of course, they don't have the same relationship as they once enjoyed, but it's something else that comes from a mutual need. I have no doubt the DH would remarry if I was gone and I hope he does. The thought of him being alone the rest of his life makes me sad. And it wouldn't mean he didn't love me - it would mean that he needed help getting through life without me.

 

[violetrose]

From what I've observed, men tend to remarry very quickly. Usually it's men who were very happily married. I think they miss the companionship. Off the top of my head I can think of about half a dozen guys who were in a new relationship within 90 days, and married again within the year.

I agree. Most women don't date for years afterward if at all. My aunt lost her DH when they were in their late 40s. She always said she would never date again but then she did meet a man in her late 50s and remarried. I think if her new husband didn't just come along she would have been content to be a widow.

I'm not sure what that says about women and men and how they view marriage! If my husband were to die I can't imagine going out in the dating world again. I bet if I were to die though he would remarry. He likes having a wife to do stuff for him.