Daughters Best Friend

[wic0721]

My daughters best friend's mother yells at my daughter everytime she goes over to her friends house. It's gotten to the point where my daughter no longer wants to go over there. The last time she was yelled at, my daughter said she mentioned to her friends little sister that "she might want to put a coat on because it's cold outside"....next thing she knew, this woman was yelling at her for yelling at her daughter, which she didn't do, and this woman was inside the house when my daughter said this.

Now on the flip side, when her friend comes over to our house, I'm my normal self, no yelling, the girls have a great time and the girl leaves here happy! Last week this girl was over our house, and started crying because "your mom is so nice, and all my mom does is yell".

Should I question this woman why she feels the need to yell at my child, or just let it go, and not let my daughter go over to her friends house anymore????

 

[java]

I would just say my daughter doesn't want to come over anymore because of your yelling. Leave it short and sweet. I wouldn't mention her daughter crying at your house because of it because that will put her even more on the defensive.

Just a simple. "My daughter doesn't want to play at your house because of the yelling."

That makes me so sad.

 

[wic0721]

I would just say my daughter doesn't want to come over anymore because of your yelling. Leave it short and sweet. I wouldn't mention her daughter crying at your house because of it because that will put her even more on the defensive.

Just a simple. "My daughter doesn't want to play at your house because of the yelling."

That makes me so sad.

It makes me sad too, the girls are 11 years old, and have been best friends since the day they met each other in kindergarten. This girls parents have just gone through a divorce, so I don't know if this is the reason for the yelling now...but in all honesty, it's starting to p*ss me off just a wee bit!

 

[2binak]

I would just say my daughter doesn't want to come over anymore because of your yelling. Leave it short and sweet. I wouldn't mention her daughter crying at your house because of it because that will put her even more on the defensive.

Just a simple. "My daughter doesn't want to play at your house because of the yelling."

That makes me so sad.

I agree with this approach. No need to call her DD out. Her DD told you that in confidence and if you're the person her DD can confide in right now, you want to keep that door open to her. Telling her mom what she said will make you another adult she feels she can't trust right now. Being at your house instead will be a bit of an escape for her and it sounds like she could really use that right now.

DH and I going through a similar situation with a family member right now and we've decided to distance ourselves from that person. We just don't need the yelling, drama & stress in our lives.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would just say my daughter doesn't want to come over anymore because of your yelling. Leave it short and sweet. I wouldn't mention her daughter crying at your house because of it because that will put her even more on the defensive.

Just a simple. "My daughter doesn't want to play at your house because of the yelling."

That makes me so sad.

Good advice. It is sad.

 

[scottishduffy]

If your daughter is truly uncomfortable there then she doesn't have to go over there. You don't owe anyone an explanation besides just saying that your daughter is no longer allowed over there because she in uncomfortable at that home. Keep the girls at your place for play dates, I am sure the other little girl would like that better anyways.

If you want the girls to to be able to play at both homes than you can try to bring it up, but you risk offending the other mother. You can try subtely to inquire about your DD's behavior at her home. Ask her if your DD is behaving well and perhaps phrase it as a "I'm trying to get the whole story" type of scenario. i.e " DD had mentioned being yelled at, I was just checking if you had any issues with DD's behavior at your home and wanted to get the full story from you. However, if she has any issues in the future I would prefer DD is not yelled at in your home. Instead could you please let me know about it so I may address any issues at home? I am interested in our girls being friends and certainly *hope* you would inform me of any issues with my DD behaviors so *I* may correct them." Also, if you DD has been doing anything inappropriate it will give you a chance to find this out.

If she claims your DD is an angel (maybe this lady is just a yeller by nature) Then you can just play dumb "Gee, I wonder why DD was saying she was yelled at then? Ya know, she is *very* sensitive to tone of voice and she just seemed so upset... maybe the girls could play at my house for a little while until DD feels more comfortable going to other's houses." The just don't go over there anymore.

 

[OceanAnnie]

If your daughter is truly uncomfortable there then she doesn't have to go over there. You don't owe anyone an explanation besides just saying that your daughter is no longer allowed over there because she in uncomfortable at that home. Keep the girls at your place for play dates, I am sure the other little girl would like that better anyways.

If you want the girls to to be able to play at both homes than you can try to bring it up, but you risk offending the other mother. You can try subtely to inquire about your DD's behavior at her home. Ask her if your DD is behaving well and perhaps phrase it as a "I'm trying to get the whole story" type of scenario. i.e " DD had mentioned being yelled at, I was just checking if you had any issues with DD's behavior at your home and wanted to get the full story from you. However, if she has any issues in the future I would prefer DD is not yelled at in your home. Instead could you please let me know about it so I may address any issues at home? I am interested in our girls being friends and certainly *hope* you would inform me of any issues with my DD behaviors so *I* may correct them." Also, if you DD has been doing anything inappropriate it will give you a chance to find this out.

If she claims your DD is an angel (maybe this lady is just a yeller by nature) Then you can just play dumb "Gee, I wonder why DD was saying she was yelled at then? Ya know, she is *very* sensitive to tone of voice and she just seemed so upset... maybe the girls could play at my house for a little while until DD feels more comfortable going to other's houses." The just don't go over there anymore.

There is a lot of good advice in this post. I think the yelling mom doesn't see it as a big deal, because that's her m.o. at home. It probably isn't a blip on her radar. She might not even know what you are talking about if you were to bring it up. It's just what she does. Not that it's "right", especially yelling at your DD.

You do run the risk of offending the mother. She's an adult, she should be able to handle it. It's the truth. Not fun to talk about though. You could either address it somewhat cautiously or carefully or you could just have the other little girl over your house and that's it. Eventually it will probably come out because the mother will want to know why your DD isn't coming over anymore.

It is troubling that your DD's friend cried about her mother yelling so much. I feel sorry for her.

 

[RadioNate]

Sounds like the friend's mother is having a hard time right now. Divorce is hard on anyone and I doubt you know the circumstances. She could just be very stressed and upset and unfortunately taking it out on the kids. I'm not saying it is totally right but it is understandable.

I'd just have the girls play at your house. I'm not sure why the mother would question it. If she does, maybe you could remark that your DD told you that she's been getting upset easily lately so you thought you'd give her a break.

While, I'm sure your daughter is a sweet, well meaning girl...I'd also suggest she let her friend's mother parent the little sister. On the surface, suggesting the coat seems quite harmless but it could be a pattern of perceived bossiness. I think that is very typical tween girl behavior. I live across the street from a sweet, well meaning, nearly 11 year old who is forever "suggesting" things to the younger children. I know, as a parent, it gets old because many times she is telling them the opposite of what I've told them. The girl isn't a bossy brat, her intention is to be helpful, but when it is constant, it gets annoying.

 

[EllenFrasier]

When your dd suggested that her friend's little sister get a coat on, the little sister probably ran in the house whining that your dd said she had to get a coat on. If the Mom wanted them to stay outside and this was a reason for the little sister to come back inside, that is probably why she was upset.

If you tell the other Mom that your dd doesn't want to come over to play because of all the yelling, that Mom probably will not let her dd come to your house anymore either.

If she even inquires as to why your dd doesn't come to their house anymore, you could just say that you don't mind having the kids play at your house and maybe it will give her a break for a while. Being that she is now a single parent, she probably could use a break.

 

[luvmy3]

When your dd suggested that her friend's little sister get a coat on, the little sister probably ran in the house whining that your dd said she had to get a coat on. If the Mom wanted them to stay outside and this was a reason for the little sister to come back inside, that is probably why she was upset.

If you tell the other Mom that your dd doesn't want to come over to play because of all the yelling, that Mom probably will not let her dd come to your house anymore either.

If she even inquires as to why your dd doesn't come to their house anymore, you could just say that you don't mind having the kids play at your house and maybe it will give her a break for a while. Being that she is now a single parent, she probably could use a break.

This is what I would do, like a pp said maybe this mom is going through an emotional rollercoaster and taking it out on the kids. Maybe some time to get her thoughts straightened out will change the constant yelling, and having her dd at your house may just give her that time. If it turns out to continue then I would tell her that I was uncomfortable having my dd there because of the yelling, I would not tell her my dd doesn't want to be there, or tell her anything about what her own dd said. The kids don't need to be brought into that, it should be something between you and her.

 

[MerMom60_94]

When your dd suggested that her friend's little sister get a coat on, the little sister probably ran in the house whining that your dd said she had to get a coat on. If the Mom wanted them to stay outside and this was a reason for the little sister to come back inside, that is probably why she was upset.

If you tell the other Mom that your dd doesn't want to come over to play because of all the yelling, that Mom probably will not let her dd come to your house anymore either.

If she even inquires as to why your dd doesn't come to their house anymore, you could just say that you don't mind having the kids play at your house and maybe it will give her a break for a while. Being that she is now a single parent, she probably could use a break.

This is what I would do, like a pp said maybe this mom is going through an emotional rollercoaster and taking it out on the kids. Maybe some time to get her thoughts straightened out will change the constant yelling, and having her dd at your house may just give her that time. If it turns out to continue then I would tell her that I was uncomfortable having my dd there because of the yelling, I would not tell her my dd doesn't want to be there, or tell her anything about what her own dd said. The kids don't need to be brought into that, it should be something between you and her.

These are along the lines of my thoughts. You could take a sympathic stance and, if asked, tell the mother you are sensing she is dealing with a lot of stress and hoping to give her a break by having the girls to your house.

 

[Sparx]

Are you actually sure that this woman is yelling at your daughter? I'd be hesitant to say anything until you knew 100% that this woman is yelling.

 

[Disney Doll]

These are along the lines of my thoughts. You could take a sympathic stance and, if asked, tell the mother you are sensing she is dealing with a lot of stress and hoping to give her a break by having the girls to your house.

I'd probably just sort of always suggest that the girls play at my house without saying anything about the yelling.

If the mother was never a "yeller" than this change in temperment is most likely due to the divorce situation. You say the girls have been friends for a while...is this yelling behavior new for the mother, or are they just the types who communicate that way? My DH's cousin and his wife are like that...lot of drama constantly at their house...they are just "loud" people...and if you say "What are you guys yelling about?" they look at you like you have 3 heads. I'm thinking they are having a knock-down drag-out fight and to them, it is the normal method of communication.

So, first determine that...is this yelling the usual thing & your DD is just sensitive to it because you guys aren't yellers, or is it new?

If it's new, it's probably divorce-related, and will hopefully settle down with time. Meanwhile, just have the girls to your house more. It sounds like both the mother and DD's little freind could use a break, and your house and TLC may be just what DD's freind needs to get her over this rough patch, and maybe with a bit less stress on Mom, she might settle down too.

If Mom asks you directly why it seems like the girls are spending more time at your houose, I'd probably say "Well, they seem to enjoy being together and I thought it could give you a little break once in a while."

I will tell you that when my brother got divorced, he said it was about 2 years before he felt somewhat "normal" and he was kind of ashamed of the way he had behaved in the months after his divorce....

 

[EMom]

Are you actually sure that this woman is yelling at your daughter? I'd be hesitant to say anything until you knew 100% that this woman is yelling.

Let's see......Her DD has reported the mother frequently yells, to the point that the DD no longer wants to go to that house. The friend herself reports that her mother yells all the time and cried about it. Unless these two little girls are hatching some grand scheme.....maybe the OP makes far superior cookies and being at her house is preferable....I'd say the other mom is a yeller. I've seen plenty of yellers. I'd assume that before I'd assume these two kids are fudging.

 

[brockash]

I would just say my daughter doesn't want to come over anymore because of your yelling. Leave it short and sweet. I wouldn't mention her daughter crying at your house because of it because that will put her even more on the defensive.

Just a simple. "My daughter doesn't want to play at your house because of the yelling."

That makes me so sad.

I agree with this, but I'd only say something if the mom came out and asked me why my dd didn't go to her house anymore. If she never asked, I wouldn't feel the need to advertise the info. Who knows what all goes on at her house and what the kids are saying is "yelling." Maybe she is just a terrible/miserable lady who's mean to kids, or maybe not, but either way if your dd doesn't want to go there, that should be the end of that. Now if you suspect any kind of abuse, that's a totally different story, but from what you've said, I'd just leave it alone and not have dd go to her house anymore.

 

[brockash]

Let's see......Her DD has reported the mother frequently yells, to the point that the DD no longer wants to go to that house. The friend herself reports that her mother yells all the time and cried about it. Unless these two little girls are hatching some grand scheme.....maybe the OP makes far superior cookies and being at her house is preferable....I'd say the other mom is a yeller. I've seen plenty of yellers. I'd assume that before I'd assume these two kids are fudging.

Maybe, but when I was a kid my best friend and I really would almost always rather stay at her house, but it wasn't because my mom was mean or anything, it was just that her parent's didn't have as many rules and gave us more freedom than my mom, however I don't think either of us would've ever told either parent that was the reason (we'd be afraid her parents might tighten up or something.)

 

[brockash]

Sounds like the friend's mother is having a hard time right now. Divorce is hard on anyone and I doubt you know the circumstances. She could just be very stressed and upset and unfortunately taking it out on the kids. I'm not saying it is totally right but it is understandable.

I'd just have the girls play at your house. I'm not sure why the mother would question it. If she does, maybe you could remark that your DD told you that she's been getting upset easily lately so you thought you'd give her a break.

While, I'm sure your daughter is a sweet, well meaning girl...I'd also suggest she let her friend's mother parent the little sister. On the surface, suggesting the coat seems quite harmless but it could be a pattern of perceived bossiness. I think that is very typical tween girl behavior. I live across the street from a sweet, well meaning, nearly 11 year old who is forever "suggesting" things to the younger children. I know, as a parent, it gets old because many times she is telling them the opposite of what I've told them. The girl isn't a bossy brat, her intention is to be helpful, but when it is constant, it gets annoying.

I was going to say this as well. My ds is 8 and he does think that he's helping when he's telling his lil sister what to do, but he does come across very bossy, and she doesn't want her big brother bossing her around as it is, and it's really not his place, so I often have to remind him to worry about himself when there's an adult to take care of the other kids.

 

[wic0721]

My daughter mentioned to her friends little sister that she might want to put a coat on, because she was dressed in a skirt, tank top and flip flops and it was 35 degree's outside. I talked to another girl who was there (it was a birthday party)and she said my daughter just mentioned it, and the mom went off on my daughter in front of all the girls.

Her friend has been crying alot since the divorce, which is sad, everything seems to set her off now....could be puberty, could be home life or a little of both! This little girl used to be a very happy kid....even MY husband has noticed the change in her!

I have told my daughters friend that if she needs someone to talk to, my ears are always available. She has been told she's welcome to come over anytime. My swimming pool will be opened within the next 2 weeks, it will be a good excuse for her to spend more time over here at our house!

 

[OceanAnnie]

My daughter mentioned to her friends little sister that she might want to put a coat on, because she was dressed in a skirt, tank top and flip flops and it was 35 degree's outside. I talked to another girl who was there (it was a birthday party)and she said my daughter just mentioned it, and the mom went off on my daughter in front of all the girls.

Her friend has been crying alot since the divorce, which is sad, everything seems to set her off now....could be puberty, could be home life or a little of both! This little girl used to be a very happy kid....even MY husband has noticed the change in her!

I have told my daughters friend that if she needs someone to talk to, my ears are always available. She has been told she's welcome to come over anytime. My swimming pool will be opened within the next 2 weeks, it will be a good excuse for her to spend more time over here at our house!

That's a sad situation. That poor little girl! I don't know how I missed you mentioned the mother is going through a divorce. That's definitely major stress.

Good that your pool is opening and your DD and the friend will want to be there. Good timing. I don't think your DD was wrong to mention a coat. She was being nice. Understandable that the mom is on edge with the divorce, but she shouldn't be taking it out on your DD. It's good that your DD doesn't want to return. I wouldn't want my child over there after that either!

It's a shame it's effecting your DD's friend so much. If she's flying off the handle at your DD, imagine what that little girl is going through. Your pool will be a godsend for her. She needs to get away from it.

 

[2binak]

I'd say the other mom is a yeller. I've seen plenty of yellers. I'd assume that before I'd assume these two kids are fudging.

The family member I mentioned earlier that we are trying to distance ourselves from is a yeller. They cannot talk to their child...they only yell, even when other adults are calmly talking to their child, they will walk over or walk into the room and start yelling at the poor kid.