Dating with Adult Children

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by disneychrista, Jul 8, 2018.

  1. NHdisneylover

    NHdisneylover DIS Veteran

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    Hmmm, I have to disagree here. If they are paying more or less fair market value rent and house rules allow one person (you) to have overnight guests, even those they are dating, I think it is wrong to now allow that to go both ways.
    If they are only paying a token rent, OK, maybe I see your point.


    I disagree---it is not just semantics. Just as the adult daughter has no right to demand to know who Mom is dating, or how long, or what the status of their relationship is, she has no right to tell her mother she cannot have a boyfriend in her own bedroom behind closed doors. It is considerate of the OP to take the DD'S feelings into account and give her a heads up about a possible overnight so that the DD can choose to not be home if she prefers------heck, that is already meaning OP has to plan an overnight with her boyfriend in advance, no spur of the moment plans. For full grown adults. That is above and beyond as is.
     
  2. Carey_B

    Carey_B Dinglehopper

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    I've just met my partners eldest daughter and we're already living together. He was very cautious after she's had issues with previous relationships he's been in. Luckily she's away at University most of the time so it wasn't a big issue, she was aware he was seeing someone but he never said it until we were looking for a house.

    Thankfully we really got on when we met, she's even brought me some gifts since then and told him not to mess this up! I feel blessed :worship:
     
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  4. disykat

    disykat DIS Veteran

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    As their mom you don't have to tell them personal info about your dating life. As a roommate you only have to give whereabouts, etc.

    However, if they also think of you as a friend and confidant they may have their feelings hurt you didn't share with them.
     
  5. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Certainly not FMV. More like you can’t live here for free so pay something type deal. I WANT them to move out so this stills allows them to save for things like security deposit etc while contributing something. And for the rest we’ll just agree to disagree.
     
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  6. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    I’m honestly not sure what more I could have shared. Like I said before both daughters know I hang out with this guy. He & I are still trying to figure things out with what’s going on and where things are going. If there was something to share I would. It’s just too soon. Too new.
     
  7. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    And just one more point on the “over nights” this is really only a hypothetical at this time. It is certainly not something that will be happening in the near future if at all.
     
  8. disykat

    disykat DIS Veteran

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    I meant like best friend stuff. Like, something is changing, I think I like him as more than a friend, etc. The only reason I can see them being hurt is if they're expecting confidences to be shared. I would not share that kind of thing with my mom and my kids probably wouldn't with me either, but maybe they expect that?
     
  9. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    She is one where there is no grey everything is black and white. So the fact that she thought I was lying about what was really going with this guy made her jump to I was lying. I do share a lot with both my girls. I think it partly comes from not having a partner to share things with. But there are somethings that I am just not ready to share with them. This is one of them. Once we figure out whereb this is going anywhere I’ll have no problem sharing. Heck I’ll be shouting from the roof tops. :)
     
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  10. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

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    ::yes:: Our circumstances are quite different than yours but our 21 y.o., rent-paying DS will simply never be permitted to have a girlfriend spend the night - period. Nothing about our house rules or family values changed just because he started giving us a couple hundred bucks a month.
     
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  11. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    I would consider some contribution to utilities, etc... to be different than paying rent.
    So, maybe not 'roommate' status!!!!

    It does sound like new and unchartered ground for the OP!!!
    A new situation.. A new dynamic, etc...

    It might take a little time to work out... But, nope, your daughter(s) should not expect too much personal info... Just as they are probably very guarded with any personal info that they share!
     
  12. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Uncharted would be an understatement. i didn't date or "hang out" or whatever you want to call it for nearly 20 years, while my daughters where growing up. And then when I did, he certainty wouldn't be defined as a boyfriend. he was a friend who was maybe a little more. It was nothing that has a real future or potential. This new "relationship" is even more uncharted as he has way more potential to be something real and long term. But there are so many obstacles and complications I am afraid to trust it.
     
  13. NHdisneylover

    NHdisneylover DIS Veteran

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    But in your case you are married and would presumably not be having a date spend the night either.

    I just think it is wrong and overly controlling to have different mural rules line line that fir different adults in a household, especially when all are paying a fair share of expenses. A do as I say not as I do set of rules created by one adult and applied to another simply bacusevtge other is their offspring is out of line, IMO.
    If OP, as landlord, did not allow that on the building at all, including from herself, I'd feel differently.


    OP clarified that her DDs only pay a token amount, not really a true rent, which changes things anyway as then the girls are relying on her as dependent children anyway
     
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  14. Disney  Doll

    Disney Doll DIS Security Matron

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    I’m not sure what more information your adult daughter could want other than “Bill and I went here” or “Bill and I are going to this concert” or “let me tell you this funny story about what happened when I was out with Bill”.

    Basically it sounds like she knows you and Bill are hanging out, but there are many variables to furthering a relationship even though you’d like to, so you have to see where it goes. I assume she’s not looking to hear more intimate details about whatever the physical side of your relationship is...and if she is, tell her to go pound sand. So really, what more is there to know than what you’ve told her?
     
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  15. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

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    I can’t argue with the bolded, for sure, but I still stand by the OP’s prerogative to set the limits for anybody else living in her home. “Fair” really isn’t the issue.

    And for us at least, the idea of cohibitating with grown off-spring as peers is unthinkable. Full autonomy without full responsibility is not real “adulting” (sorry, I don’t like that trite expression but I do admit it is sometimes concisely descriptive :o ). I think it’s an artificial concept that adult children are fully supporting themselves when they live at home in a level of comfort it took their parents decades to achieve, even if they’re paying “market-value” rent.

    Our goal, and the goal of many parents, is to gently propel our kids out of the nest towards their own homes and future families. We do not live in a culture where multi-generational cohabitation is the norm, be it right or wrong. I don’t believe there is any smooth way to fully transition the parent/child relationship under one roof. We look forward to the day (for his sake) that our son wants total independence more than he wants the creature-comforts we provide and decides to take the next step, as all of us had to at some point.
     
  16. LovesTimone

    LovesTimone Christmas Day 2017

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    This is a mixed bag... If your daughter acts out I would ask her why?... Ask her why she feels that you should be alone? Ask her if she thinks you deserve happiness, and a life of your own? and explain to her that you are very entitled and deserve a life and happiness. I think that when adult kids see mom or dad dating they worry about alot of things, but really I think that they worry about how this new person will affect the family, and if they have kids how their kids will they affect the family... and what will their ( the adult kids) place be in the new family structure.

    Wishing you happiness and pixie dust...
     
  17. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    I would agree if it were not adult children. I think that certain rules are okay to apply to them and not the parent. If they want the complete freedom then they need to live on their own, where they can make their own rules.


    I honestly think she thought I was not being honest of the type of relationship it is with “Bill.” Not that she wants intimate details of the time we spend together. I do have several guy friends that are just friends. So I guess to her if this might be more she thinks I should have told her.


    I’m not sure that she doesn’t feel I deserve happiness. It’s just a new / weird concept for both girls that mom might want a life, might want to date. My life was them while they were growing up. Just like I had to adjust to them being adults, they will have to adjust to mom being a person.
     
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  18. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    I think this might have just nailed it!!!

    I do think it might have been a good thing to be more of an autonomous/entitled/adult 'person' before they reached this adult age.
    But, hey, that is water under the bridge now!!!!
     
  19. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Oh believe I know!! But you can’t change the past. We can only do what we think is best at the time.
     
  20. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

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    :goodvibes That's quite a challenge for many of us, any which way.
     
  21. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Yes it is. Wasn't easy for me and I expect the same for them. But I adjusted and so will they.
     
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