Dating with Adult Children

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by disneychrista, Jul 8, 2018.

  1. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    No they know I am hanging out with him but she assumed (and it was at first) just a friends. He & I meet because he was a customer at the Ale House I worked. When it closed he asked me to let him the next time I went to another local brewery. After the first meeting we started hanging out more & more and developed a genuine friendship. After awhile it became clear he wanted more than just a friendship and eventually that developed. Neither of us really know what is going on. We don't get much time together to really develop things into more.



    Thank you. I know there isn't a right answer. Just opinions. I don't know if he will be my "happily ever after" or not. I would like it to become more but that is not in the cards right now, due to his family obligations (he takes care of his ailing mother). Right now I am just trying to be okay with what time we do get and see what happens.


    True, I was not completely honest with her. I didn't come home and say "M" kissed me today. Or I think "M" & I are more than friends. But it is hard to give her more information when he & I aren't even sure what is "it" is we are doing.

    I have never stayed out overnight Our time together is usually pretty short and ends pretty early but I do agree. If I was to stay out overnight (with him or with anyone or no one) I would let them know. I would also let them know in advance if he or anyone else was coming over or staying the night.
     
  2. low-key

    low-key DIS Veteran

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    I think it would be fun sharring the date with them but every date would be edited to keep the rating at "PG"
     
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  4. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    I do discuss what I am doing. The last time I hung out with him we went hiking. As we were in his truck getting ready to leave the last guy I hung out with (yes new guy knows all about him & actually knows him from the Ale House where I used to work) pulls up in front of us. How could I NOT tell my daughter this story.
     
  5. NHdisneylover

    NHdisneylover DIS Veteran

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    As an adult whose parents date, I have no expectation that they'll share any particular thing with me.

    My mom was quite heavily involved with the first person I knew of her dating before I knew about. It never occurred to me to be angry or hurt or offended to have not known sooner. I was just happy for her that she was happy.

    I agree there are no "right" answers but I agree with most thatt, other than the basic consideration given to anyone living in the same house, your adult children are not owed any explanation of your relationship, much less play by play accounts needed to "keep up" with a relationship you can't even define yourself.

    If the adult daughter feels she is owed that level of info about your life, especially while she gaurds her privacy, it might be time for her to move out and have other things to focus on.
     
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2018
  6. Micca

    Micca SAHG: Stay At Home Grandfather

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    Or...do you go full-on TMI and watch the daughter run for the hills????:scratchin
     
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  7. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

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    I don’t think you’re wrong and I’d put it in the same category as your finances, your health or any other aspect of your personal life. You can choose to tell anybody you want anything you want but nobody’s entitled to the information, even your kids.
     
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  8. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    I can see why people would tend to keep their dating lives private from some family members. My MIL will probes any and everybody for any information she can get -- and then feels no compunction about broadcasting her version of that information to everyone in attendance at large family gatherings. As far as she knows my oldest daughter hasn't dated since HS. My youngest daughter had the hardest time explaining to her first serious boyfriend in HS why she did not want to change her Facebook status to in a relationship. He understood several months later when he met Grandma at Christmastime.

    Even within immediate family living in a household together some people aren't cut out to understand boundaries. Frankly it sounds like OP has a daughter who is a bit tone deaf or hypocritical on this topic. I see no reason to be explaining to a person like that until there's a purpose to do so.
     
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  9. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

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    Please know I was not being critical, and I was not trying to suggest that you would stay out all night, etc. I was only trying to say that there are very basic courtesies that adults who share a home need to share, and dating information is not one if them, IMO. Why any adult, even a parent, must be "honest" with a child about a relationship that is either casual or brand new is beyond me. I do not think that kind of "honesty" is required.
     
  10. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    No worries. I guess my sarcasm didn’t come through very well. I only wish I was staying out all night. ;) Unfortunately both our current living arrangements (me with my daughters, he with family) kinda make that one more difficult.
     
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  11. marcyleecorgan

    marcyleecorgan DIS Veteran

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    once they start contributing bill money to the household... they get courtesy alerts as roommates. :)

    you know, so they don't have to feel awkward about coming home and not knowing what they are about to step into when they open their front door.

    buy a fresh pair of socks for the doorknob :P
     
  12. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Ut-oh we have a problem then because they do pay rent. But even if they didn't the courtesy alerts are just that a courtesy. I would never have a "more-than-a-friend" over without a heads up. Give them both the opportunity to find somewhere else to stay the night. ;) I actually already do tell them if friends are coming over, just like they tell me. Again it is common courtesy.
     
  13. manning

    manning Just for that I have requested it

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    I'm sneaky. kids I like you to meet your new stepfather:jester:
     
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  14. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Hahaha. Ya I’m not so sure about that.
     
  15. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    Just a note... Just based on that last post...
    But, I would never want to put them into a position to 'find somewhere to stay the night'.
    If they are paying rent, that should cover 'every' night.

    Any agreements about late, or overnight guests is up to those involved.
    (Naturally, any agreement should apply to 'everyone'.)
    But, I wouldn't be looking at 'find somewhere to stay the night' as an option. Not when one is paying rent.
     
  16. NHdisneylover

    NHdisneylover DIS Veteran

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    I assumed that meant that if they are not comfortable with knowing Mom is in her room with a date, then that would be their perogitive, not that she'd expect or insist they do so
     
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  17. kimblebee

    kimblebee now my thoughts will be worth 5 cents

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    I agree, and I’ll take it one step further. I wouldn’t ever tell my daughter to find somewhere else to sleep and she doesn’t pay rent. It would be a cold day in hell if she told me to find somewhere else to sleep because her boyfriend was spending the night.
     
  18. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Yes. Exactly.

    Yes they pay rent. But as adults who work full time they should. If they choose to not be home because I have a friend over that is their choice. Last I checked I am still the parent and am allowed to have friends over and stay the night if I choose. And this is one area where I’m not sure I agree that they should also be allowed the same privilege.
     
  19. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Not a HAVE TO. A choice if they don’t have want to around.
     
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  20. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    Yes, you are the homeowner and the parent.
    And, I know that this is an entirely new status-quo.
    But, if everyone is an adult here, I continue to think you need to take a harder look and make an adjustment to expectations.

    "Perogative" is just some nice sounding semantics.
    And, the exact words I used were "put somebody in that position...."
    Either everyone is a part of the household, and this is their home, or not.
    If, IF, there is the hope/expectation that another person go find another place to stay the night is there... It is what it is. Personally, that is not something that I would do.

    I have an adult son. His long time girlfriend is also an adult. So, this is not a concept that is unknown or foreign to me.
    To be honest, I would consider the option to help him with paying his rent, so he can move out!!!! Hahahaha!!!!
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2018
  21. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    No expectation at all. It is only IF THEY ARE NOT COMFORTABLE they can CHOOSE to stay at a friends. It is foreign territory for all us. I understand that. But I made a deal with them with the last guy I hung out with that if he was to come over (not necessarily stay the night) that I would let them know. He never did so I don’t know how/what they will want to do.

    My oldest and this guy know each other fairly well and honestly I’m not sure how comfortable HE would be staying the night. So it’s kinda a none issue at this point.
     
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