Dating with Adult Children

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by disneychrista, Jul 8, 2018.

  1. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    How much do you share with your adult children about your dating life?

    I didn't date while my children where growing up and have just started to go out with someone. He started out as a friend that developed into more. My youngest daughter heard me talking to my best friend about him and got upset and says I haven't been honest with her about my friendship with this guy. I don't feel I need to share with her details of my dating life, especially when I don't know where things are going. I am not sneaking around, she know that I go out/hang out with him.

    How much do you share? Is it different if your adult children still live at home vs on their own?
     
  2. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

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    :scratchin I can only go by how I think I would handle it but I'd probably apply a sort of quid pro quo standard. At what point would you expect your adult child to tell you they were dating somebody? That's the point at which you should tell them, unless of course you want to share. I don't think you "owe" it to them, no matter if they still live with you or not.
     
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  4. amberpi

    amberpi DIS Veteran

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    I don't have any advance, but I wanted to send you well wishes on your new romance:)
     
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  5. Lynn CC

    Lynn CC <font color=blue>DIS Veteran who is a veteran DISe

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    I started dating after my DS was in Grad School. I was honest with him and talked about my dates with him. You can be as open as you feel comfortable. I took baby steps for years with DS breaking the news that I was going to divorce his dad. Finally I did, it was rough on my son, even though he was an adult already. He likes my New DH a lot and has accepted him as part of our family, his three boys love their Opa (grandpa) too. We are vacationing with them in DW next week, can't wait! You know your daughter the best. It takes them time to get used to new things. My son is happy that I'm happy and he tells me. HUGS
     
  6. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    Both my daughters are pretty secretive about their personal lives. I have never insisted they tell me where they are going, who they are going to be with etc. They are adults, they no longer have to answer to me. I honestly think I share more about what I am doing than they do at time, especially my oldest.

    Thank you.
     
  7. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

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    I think that's all pretty normal and not unhealthy. What you need to do then is point that out to them and help them see that "adulting" is a two-way street. Honestly, the one you mentioned in your OP sounds like kind of a brat. You've got nothing to feel guilty about.
     
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  8. J'aime Paris

    J'aime Paris Living happily ever after

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    Deleted since OP is not offended with her DD being referred to as a brat.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2018
  9. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    I agree with ronandannette...
    An adult has no reason to expect full and total disclosure from another adult.
    I might not use the word 'brat'... But, yes, a demanding child with high expectations could very well be thought of as like a brat. IMHO.
    (wouldn't have to be a full on 'fit'.)

    OP, while the dating thing doesn't have to be equal and reciprocal... (I will tell my child as much as they tell me)
    I would suggest that you tell this daughter, and any other children, as much as you feel comfortable with.
    No more, no less.
    I would pretty much expect the same from them!!!

    I would suggest that this type of thing be applied more-or-less equally with all of one's children.
    While things are never always 'equal'... even into adulthood, I think that the appearance of fairness is important.
    One of your adult children should not be more privy than the other(s). Without valid reason, of course.
     
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  10. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    PS: to the OP, yes, I would have absolutely NO problem mentioning very specifically to my adult child that, obviously, they haven't been totally forthcoming and 'honest' about their personal relationships. You have respected them in that regard... And you expect the same respect.
     
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  11. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    I’m not sure she was being a full on brat (she was obviously upset so I asked her why and that is what she said) but she has a unique way of seeing things and it comes across in a way that can be viewed as “bratty” if you don’t know her. So I am not offended by the brat comment.

    I honestly don’t know how I could be more honest with her about what’s going on because I honestly don’t know either. I don’t know if you can really call it dating but it’s more than just friends. We don’t get to spend a lot of time together but we enjoy the time we do.
     
  12. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

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    Sounds like it is just her, being her, and maybe the whole eye opening thing for a girl at her age (still young?) that "OMG, mom might be DATING!!!!"
    Tell her that you will definitely tell her whatever she NEEDS to know if things progress... But, focus on that patience and respect!!!!

    I probably wouldn't make any big deal out of it... let her process the whole thing...
    Don't 'feed the beast'! Hahahaha!!!
     
  13. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

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    :flower3: Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so harsh. I don't actually see that term as a major insult, more just descriptive of uncalled for and inappropriate behavior that can be common in young people. :hippie:
     
  14. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    She's already over it. But I am sure she'll questions more next time he & I go out but that's okay. And I since I didn't date while she was growing up (her dad & I split before she was born) this is all new to her. Like I said earlier, there isn't much more information I can give her. Not at least until he & I figure things about.

    Don't worry about it. I didn't take it as an insult.
     
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  15. Nancyg56

    Nancyg56 DIS Veteran

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    I saw the posts explain your DD, so take this for what it is worth.

    You were not being entirely honest with her, however I cannot see that you are required to be "honest" about a new relationship that has no affect on her. Just as you would be expected to respect that your DD's relationships are private until she is ready to discuss them with you, the same courtesy and respect should be given to you.

    The only difference between adult children living at home or not, is that coming and going may have specific courtesies shared. For instance, I don't care how old you are, if you live in my home you need to let me know if you are going to be out all night, etc. I would do the same for them. Things like that. If we do not share the same roof I have no way of knowing if you are running late, in trouble, broke down, so I sleep. I would share that kind of info with my adult children in my home: I am going to XYZ and will be home early, late, whatever.

    Why did I suddenly get visions of "Book Club" running through my mind? LOL!!!
     
  16. wvjules

    wvjules DIS Veteran

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    I would think it would come up in the normal course of conversation with your DD. I consider my adult DD a friend and talking about dating with her would just be a part of our normal chats. Omitting intentionally seems like you were hiding it from her.
     
  17. GreatLakes

    GreatLakes DIS Veteran

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    If my mom decided to start dating and didn't want to tell me about it I wouldn't care, it isn't any of my business. I surely wouldn't call her out for "not being honest with me".
     
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  18. cabanafrau

    cabanafrau DIS Veteran

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    Mom says the daughters are secretive about their dating lives. Do you think the daughters should be discussing their dating lives in the course of conversation with mom as well?

    IMO I think adults are free to discuss what they want when they are ready to share.
     
  19. disneychrista

    disneychrista DIS Veteran

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    What details do you feel I should share? Both my daughters know when he & I go out/hang out. Honestly I am not sure the details of our time together is all that necessary. But maybe I’m wrong.
     
  20. wvjules

    wvjules DIS Veteran

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    Details? No. But if I'm talking to my DD and we are talking about what we did or where we went the past few days, or whatever, if I spent time with a "friend" it would come up. I wouldn't feel a need to hide it. I guess I got the impression from your OP that they didn't even know you were hanging out together. That being said, the DD's reaction was a bit over the top.

    cabanafrau, I don't see why dating is such a secret for any of the parties.
     
  21. amberpi

    amberpi DIS Veteran

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    @disneychrista - I just wanted to come back and say that there is not a “right” answer regarding dating...ever. When I finally gave into my weirdness I found a man who was of the same similar weird. By all accounts neither of us should be living here again and love our community so much. You do what works for you, try to keep your dd in mind, and call it a day. Again, I hope it works out. Maybe this guy is your termination point and “happily ever after.” I’m pulling for ya.
     
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