That's using just one definition, outdated honestly these days too. Totally ok if it's the idealogy you prefer but it's by no means the only way.
I'm not sure how it got turned into being OWED sex because they paid for dinner/date. I know in my original post on this topic said they were doing so HOPING to get lucky. Not even EXPECTING to.
In terms of money, one can find out a lot about a guy by being the one paying, too. (Well, maybe not the first time,but soon afterward.) I used to counsel abused women. And there is a general saying that turns out to be true:
S/He who controls the wallet, controls the relationship.
I can't tell you how many stories I've heard where domineering/controlling/abusive men show up at the beginning of a relationship, all sweet and acting chivalrous. They pay for everything. They seem so thoughtful by making all the plans. They pre-order the meals for the woman. Even if she doesn't like boiled chicken and has told him, she still thinks it's romantic & thoughtful that he ordered for her. He seems so protective, when he asks where she is going? How is she getting there? How late will she be? As they get into a longterm relationship, he then doesn't want her to work, or work anymore. He'll take care of her. She thinks all this is so romantic. . .
Until the real him starts to come out, as these men usually can't keep up the charade for long. Him paying for her, his making her get rid of her job, her friends, is a controlling maneuver to make sure she is financially & emotionally dependent on him and isolated. What seemed like him being so protective and thoughtful before is actually him being controlling of what she does, where she goes, who she does it with, when does she come home, down to what she eats, when he orders for her.
Many women who end up at battered women's shelters often arrive with only the clothes on their back. They didn't have the money to get out to be on their own. Many women stay in battered relationships because they have no money to take their kids & leave. So many women go BACK to the guy, because they want the man who showed up in the beginning, the false personae who was so thoughtful & romantic. That guy is the man they love. Not the one who showed up later. The one who was so thoughtful, who took care of them. Oh, he was definitely thoughtful. He thought about how he'd be in control later. And he didn't take care, he took over.
These types of men show up at first dates also sizing women up. They want someone who ultimately is submissive. Who will acquiesce over and over and over again and again. They don't want someone who says, "You bought the last round, I'm buying this one. I got this one, this time." They don't want a strong woman who is asserting equality or boundaries. And doesn't give in when he pushes. "I know you said the boiled chicken is a delicacy here. But, I have food allergies and I really prefer to order for myself, thank you." They are off to look for the submissive one.
GOOD RIDDANCE TO THEM!
Talk about a gross generalization. I quit work to stay home with my now 27 yr. old. When he went to school, I worked for a few years, because I was lonely being home alone. It's been many years since my last job. My DH makes the money & pays the bills. I have the same access to our money that he does. His check is put in the bank via automatic deposit. I spend what I want. We have a great marriage, because we have mutual respect for each other. He wouldn't consider trying to control me, because he knows it wouldn't go well for him. I'm not the kind of woman that can be told what to do. IMO, a woman that allows a man to control her would do the same, if she made more money than he did.In terms of money, one can find out a lot about a guy by being the one paying, too. (Well, maybe not the first time,
I can't tell you how many stories I've heard where domineering/controlling/abusive men show up at the beginning of a relationship, all sweet and acting chivalrous. They pay for everything. They seem so thoughtful by making all the plans. They pre-order the meals for the woman. Even if she doesn't like boiled chicken and has told him, she still thinks it's romantic & thoughtful that he ordered for her. He seems so protective, when he asks where she is going? How is she getting there? How late will she be? As they get into a longterm relationship, he then doesn't want her to work, or work anymore. He'll take care of her. She thinks all this is so romantic. . .
Until the real him starts to come out, as these men usually can't keep up the charade for long. Him paying for her, his making her get rid of her job, her friends, is a controlling maneuver to make sure she is financially & emotionally dependent on him and isolated. What seemed like him being so protective and thoughtful before is actually him being controlling of what she does, where she goes, who she does it with, when does she come home, down to what she eats, when he orders for her.
Many women who end up at battered women's shelters often arrive with only the clothes on their back. They didn't have the money to get out to be on their own. Many women stay in battered relationships because they have no money to take their kids & leave. So many women go BACK to the guy, because they want the man who showed up in the beginning, the false personae who was so thoughtful & romantic. That guy is the man they love. Not the one who showed up later. The one who was so thoughtful, who took care of them. Oh, he was definitely thoughtful. He thought about how he'd be in control later. And he didn't take care, he took over.
These types of men show up at first dates also sizing women up. They want someone who ultimately is submissive. Who will acquiesce over and over and over again and again. They don't want someone who says, "You bought the last round, I'm buying this one. I got this one, this time." They don't want a strong woman who is asserting equality or boundaries. And doesn't give in when he pushes. "I know you said the boiled chicken is a delicacy here. But, I have food allergies and I really prefer to order for myself, thank you." They are off to look for the submissive one.
GOOD RIDDANCE TO THEM!
That doesn't always happen. In some other relationships, money is used as a power and control. My friend just divorced her controlling husband. I still remember a day she came to visit me with her infant and toddler from out of town, her husband must’ve called a dozen times. A dozen years later, they moved back here, and he could no longer isolate her from friends (who she desperately needed, having a non verbal autistic 12 year old son who her husband refused to ever be alone with). She had no credit card, her name was not on the bank account, their home went into foreclosure and they declared bankruptcy, she didn’t know he wasn’t paying the mortgage.I'm going restate the sentence with the operative word emphasized:
S/He who controls the wallet, controls the relationship.
Sounds like you and PlainJane have a partner who shares the wallet, good for you.
Now, I have to go to work. Will continue this, if need be, later.
See, you might have found dating fun. For an introvert like me, it was more like hell on earth. And try dating as a single mom - forget it. Half the guys thought me being a single mom meant I was easy, and the other half wanted to play daddy right away. I finally gave up and don't miss it at all.
No, but back in the day, I let guys buy me drinks at the bar.
Maybe you’ve pinpointed the difference. I am an extrovert and dating was my favorite hobby. I might only date a guy a few times, because if we didn’t click, it was time to move on. But I enjoyed getting to know him.
I agree with all of this. It's been a while, but back in the day, I would have been shocked if on a first-date the guy didn't pay. I think it might be more of a generational thing really. I'd expect the same today if I was single and dating a man of my similar age.
During my early-to-mid-twenties single years I had a few longer-term (months to a year) relationships that never became intimate and of course the men involved understood why. After the first few dates and the "breaking the ice" stage had passed, I would occasionally pay or we would sometimes go dutch, but the men still paid more often than not.
