Cutting Funeral costs-not follwing wishes of Loved one

[kimgg]

Um, no...do not put words in other people's mouths. You quoted exactly what I said, which is nothing like what your conclusion above is. What I said is that having pages of demands that you are not prepared to pay for is acting like a spoiled child. I made no mention of a Catholic funeral or anything else.

OK, sorry,I apologize then if that was not what you were referring to. I'm a little confused though what you were referring to since that seems to be the topic of this entire thread (whether to have the MIL's final wishes of a Catholic funeral in a church followed). No one is really debating any other possible "demands" since they havn't been mentioned, unless I missed them (and again I apologize if I did).

Peace!

 

[mrsklamc]

OK, sorry,I apologize then if that was not what you were referring to. I'm a little confused though what you were referring to since that seems to be the topic of this entire thread

Several people have mentioned specific instructions that they themselves or various loved ones would like to have or have had done when they die.

I am kind of 'over' the situation with the OP as unless I have missed it, she has never answered what her DH wants.

I was making a general statement. If anyone wants specific things for their funeral, they should make arrangements - including arrangements for payment.

 

[NotUrsula]

...
And for everyone arguing that transporting the body to the church is an added expense, I've been Googling funeral home sites - all of the price lists I've looked at so far charge the same fee for transporting the body from the funeral home, to the church and then the cemetary as they charge for going straight from the funeral home to the cemetary. So I don't get this whole extra "cost of transporting the body" argument?

The cost is only relevant when discussing at what point to do a cremation, or *if* you will do a cremation.

You can transport an urn to the service in your car, but you cannot transport a coffin without a hearse or at very least a large pickup truck. Sometimes people who have a relative die at a faraway location will do a cremation before the service in order to save the cost of transport, when they might have waited until after the service or had a burial if that cost was not a factor. IME the cost of having to transport a body anywhere other than from the hospital to the crematory facility adds about $300 when it is done locally.

I've had to arrange for bodies to be flown internationally for burial; it is very expensive. For example: the freight charge on AA to fly a body from NYC to Ireland is ~$2700, plus you have to pay for special packaging for the coffin that costs about $200, and about the same again for the paperwork and inspections for Customs. Also, the airline will not deal with individuals for this, funeral directors only need call. The markup is insane; funeral firms normally charge anywhere from $8K to $20K for the entire repatriation process, over and above the cost of the funeral services.)

 

[sk!mom]

If anyone wants specific things for their funeral, they should make arrangements - including arrangements for payment.

Haven't read the whole thread but completely agree with this statement. DH and I have been in this situation and we did the best we could to follow wishes but we also had to consider cost as very little money was left to cover any expenses.

 

[okeydokey]

There is a point in the Mass(having attended one funeral Mass lately) where two people(usually relatives of the deceased) bring the wine and something else to the altar. there is another time when a relative goes to the lecturn to read a bible Passage-theses are the things we (who havent attended Mass in ages) would not know when to do this-or how to bring things to the altar etc

If nobody wants to do it, the ushers will carry the gifts and the priest will do the readings. There is nothing unusual about that.

If someone from the family wants to these things, they will told how and when. It is not a big deal at all.

 

[disney1990]

My Mom (who is 89) years ago was very specific with what she wanted for a funeral - casket, etc. She made the arrangements and paid for the funeral in advance. Following the wishes is one thing if the person made those arrangements and paid for them. Putting myself in debt to follow them is another story.

 

[MomToOne]

The cost is only relevant when discussing at what point to do a cremation, or *if* you will do a cremation.

You can transport an urn to the service in your car, but you cannot transport a coffin without a hearse or at very least a large pickup truck. Sometimes people who have a relative die at a faraway location will do a cremation before the service in order to save the cost of transport, when they might have waited until after the service or had a burial if that cost was not a factor. IME the cost of having to transport a body anywhere other than from the hospital to the crematory facility adds about $300 when it is done locally.

I've had to arrange for bodies to be flown internationally for burial; it is very expensive. For example: the freight charge on AA to fly a body from NYC to Ireland is ~$2700, plus you have to pay for special packaging for the coffin that costs about $200, and about the same again for the paperwork and inspections for Customs. Also, the airline will not deal with individuals for this, funeral directors only need call. The markup is insane; funeral firms normally charge anywhere from $8K to $20K for the entire repatriation process, over and above the cost of the funeral services.)

??? The OP has not mentioned any need to transport a body internationally, or any other extreme situation such as that (or even cremation for that matter, I'm not sure how you pulled that into my comment - the OP has not indicated her MIL wants or has agreed to be cremated). I understand that those cases include significant costs, but my comment about funeral homes including a stop at a local church in the price of the hearse was in regards to the OPs situation - which sounds like it is just transport of a body in a coffin across town - and there is no increased cost for that at least the cases I was looking at. The funeral homes charge the same for the hearse for funeral home -> church -> cemetary as they do for funeral home -> cemetary.

 

[MomToOne]

Following the wishes is one thing if the person made those arrangements and paid for them. Putting myself in debt to follow them is another story.

1. We don't know that the OP would be "put into debt" to follow her MILs wishes, just that they would have to spend some of their own money.

2. This is a mother we are talking about. Maybe I come from a different background than others posting here, but in my family, that means something. My mother certainly has made sacrafices along the way in raising me, so I can make a reasonable financial sacrafice if necessary to bury her the way she wants with a funeral mass (which doesn't even really have to add much to the cost, as many of us have repeatedly pointed out). Again, maybe that's just the way my family functions, maybe family is more important to us that way than it is to you, but I sure am glad it is!

 

[kimgg]

Thanks Momtoone! I totally agree. To say it is all about the money (when it doesn't sound like this is much of a money issue - unless they don't want to do a funeral at all) it sounds like more of a convenience/comfort issue. I do see the reason to discuss, b/c basically it sounds like some people think that once the person is gone, it doesn't really matter what they wanted. Which if you are not religious, I can actually understand that - so I am not faulting the OP as much as some of the commenters. It seems like all they are considerate about is the $, bottom line, regardless of the wishes, relationship, etc.. of the MIL. Now if there is bad blood between the MIL and her children (if she mistreated them as children in some way) then maybe that would make them less respectful, but otherwise, I would honor her wishes if at all possible w/o causing hardship to my family financially.

As a Catholic, however, it is kind of offensive the way some SEEM to be referring to a Catholic church funeral as an extravagence. It is not like a wedding. It doesn't have to cost much more than the usual nominal donation to the church, if that. If I am taking them wrong, then I'm sorry, but that's how it seems.

 

[okeydokey]

I think the OPs husband and his siblings should sit down with Mom and discuss her plans. Since she really wants the mass, they can discuss what they will do for her and what they don't want to do for her. Seems like she should get the truth now. If they don't want to pay for her funeral expenses, it gives her a chance to put some money away and make her own arrangements.

 

[adisneymama]

I have no idea what it would cost to do what her MIL is wanting. That is why I said they should speak with someone at the church and funeral homes to get a cost. If they can not financially afford it then there would have to be some cuts but I think they should honor as much as possible. Again I have no idea what the costs are or what OP budget etc is. Just speaking in general terms. I also would say the same thing regardless of what religion the person practiced.

 

[findmewdw]

I haven't read this whole thread, but I want to extend my sympathies. I am Catholic and feel that since your loved one has requested a Catholic mass, her wishes should be followed. It will not be a problem for the readings, gifts, music, etc. The priest will find people in the parish to help your family. There should not be anymore greater expense of having the mass in the church over the funeral home. Not sure if anybody else mentioned this, but you might inquire about having visitation at the church instead of the funeral home. This has been done a few times here recently and perhaps that would cut the costs even more.

 

[MomToOne]

I haven't read this whole thread, but I want to extend my sympathies.

The OPs MIL hasn't died yet (that fact was divulged halfway through the thread). The OP is just "planning ahead"...

 

[Nancyg56]

Thanks Momtoone! I totally agree. To say it is all about the money (when it doesn't sound like this is much of a money issue - unless they don't want to do a funeral at all) it sounds like more of a convenience/comfort issue. I do see the reason to discuss, b/c basically it sounds like some people think that once the person is gone, it doesn't really matter what they wanted. Which if you are not religious, I can actually understand that - so I am not faulting the OP as much as some of the commenters. It seems like all they are considerate about is the $, bottom line, regardless of the wishes, relationship, etc.. of the MIL. Now if there is bad blood between the MIL and her children (if she mistreated them as children in some way) then maybe that would make them less respectful, but otherwise, I would honor her wishes if at all possible w/o causing hardship to my family financially.

As a Catholic, however, it is kind of offensive the way some SEEM to be referring to a Catholic church funeral as an extravagence. It is not like a wedding. It doesn't have to cost much more than the usual nominal donation to the church, if that. If I am taking them wrong, then I'm sorry, but that's how it seems.

I too got the impression that the OP did not want the bother of a Mass. When one considers all of the expenses associated with a Funeral it strikes me that she the only request her MIL made that can be done for not one cent to ignore. When my MIL passed away her DD did not have a Mass for her. She had her reasons and they all were made from spite. WE were told that Father would have a Memorial Mass for MIL at no expense. MIL loved the Lithuanian Mass so the organist and Cantor offered to participate for free. Of course DH and I thanked them but insisted on paying them. The Church was $20.00. We were also told the Church hall would have no fee but we paid for that as well.

I am appalled that an IL would feel so comfortable forgoing a Mass and then justifies that by explaining there will not be enough money.

I haven't read this whole thread, but I want to extend my sympathies. I am Catholic and feel that since your loved one has requested a Catholic mass, her wishes should be followed. It will not be a problem for the readings, gifts, music, etc. The priest will find people in the parish to help your family. There should not be anymore greater expense of having the mass in the church over the funeral home. Not sure if anybody else mentioned this, but you might inquire about having visitation at the church instead of the funeral home. This has been done a few times here recently and perhaps that would cut the costs even more.

It is a practice in my area as well. In fact my DH has asked that I arrange that in the event he passes before me. It skeeves me out but it seems to work quite well.

 

[NYCDiane]

12. This is a mother we are talking about. Maybe I come from a different background than others posting here, but in my family, that means something. My mother certainly has made sacrafices along the way in raising me, so I can make a reasonable financial sacrafice if necessary to bury her the way she wants with a funeral mass (which doesn't even really have to add much to the cost, as many of us have repeatedly pointed out). Again, maybe that's just the way my family functions, maybe family is more important to us that way than it is to you, but I sure am glad it is!

I think the expense involved is more than just the funeral mass. There are probably other things involved and, yes, you DO have to pay the church $$$$ for a funeral mass. I don't see the church absorbing the cost of ANYTHING without a lot of hassle --- like having to prove your financial hardship, etc -- something the OP and the siblings may not be willing to do.

Yes, mothers do sacrifice a lot for their children --- I have one and don't I know it! However, why would she place this type of financial burden on her children?? Especially for a funeral that she won't be around to enjoy??? I just don't get it and find it extremely selfish.

 

[Nancyg56]

I think the expense involved is more than just the funeral mass. There are probably other things involved and, yes, you DO have to pay the church $$$$ for a funeral mass. I don't see the church absorbing the cost of ANYTHING without a lot of hassle --- like having to prove your financial hardship, etc -- something the OP and the siblings may not be willing to do.

Yes, mothers do sacrifice a lot for their children --- I have one and don't I know it! However, why would she place this type of financial burden on her children?? Especially for a funeral that she won't be around to enjoy??? I just don't get it and find it extremely selfish.

I have to say that you are wrong about paying the Church. Yes, it is suggested that you make a donation that is stipulated. It is NOT a lot of money, the most I have been asked to pay is $150. I will tell you that there are times when a Parish Priest will offer the Mass for no charge and there is no hassle. I know this because just in April that was offered to DH and I when MIL's POA and executrix of her estate did not include a Mass for her. We did not accept the generosity, we paid exorbitant fee of $20. This was the scheduled fee for this Parish. Not big bucks at all. While most people choose to have the casket in Church but that is not a requirement.

There is added expense if you choose to include music but that is not a requirement of Mass.

 

[MineMail]

As has been stated repeatedly by those who do know, the costs and time involved in a funeral Mass are minimal. The daughter and son should sit down with the still-living MIL and review her wishes along with the budget, but cheating the woman out of a funeral Mass will not be a big savings.

I also think the OP should let the siblings handle the situation since she does have an obvious bias. She's not objective and that will come out once she starts trying to cut corners with the family. Could open Pandora's box once they see her true colors, rather than the loving DIL image.

 

[punkin]

I think there is more going on here than a money saving issue. OP wrote that no one in the family is Catholic and it seems like they would feel uncomfortable sitting through a Mass, particularly without knowing when someone has to go up to the altar and no one in the family would be comfortable receiving communion....things like that.

As a non-catholic (non-christian even) who has sat through several long masses at elaborate weddings (not funerals yet, thank goodness), I certainly see the problem. Why pay anything extra for everyone involved to be extremely uncomfortable?

However, if it was my MIL, I would bear the discomfort and unease, and even pay some extra (though, not exorbitant amount extra) to provide my MIL the comfort of knowing she would be sent off "right" when the time came.

 

[ccgirl]

I think the expense involved is more than just the funeral mass. There are probably other things involved and, yes, you DO have to pay the church $$$$ for a funeral mass. I don't see the church absorbing the cost of ANYTHING without a lot of hassle --- like having to prove your financial hardship, etc -- something the OP and the siblings may not be willing to do.

Yes, mothers do sacrifice a lot for their children --- I have one and don't I know it! However, why would she place this type of financial burden on her children?? Especially for a funeral that she won't be around to enjoy??? I just don't get it and find it extremely selfish.

I am very active in my Catholic church. My DD is an altar server. I can asure you that you DO NOT have to pay the church a dime. A donation is suggested. If you do not pay, regardless of the reason (no proof needed) you are still able to have the funeral in the church.

I still don't see where she is placing a financial burden on anyone. OP has mentioned MiL has a small policy. But, has not said how much the policy is.

I think there is more going on here than a money saving issue. OP wrote that no one in the family is Catholic and it seems like they would feel uncomfortable sitting through a Mass, particularly without knowing when someone has to go up to the altar and no one in the family would be comfortable receiving communion....things like that.

As a non-catholic (non-christian even) who has sat through several long masses at elaborate weddings (not funerals yet, thank goodness), I certainly see the problem. Why pay anything extra for everyone involved to be extremely uncomfortable?

However, if it was my MIL, I would bear the discomfort and unease, and even pay some extra (though, not exorbitant amount extra) to provide my MIL the comfort of knowing she would be sent off "right" when the time came.

Again, the OP is not paying anything *extra*. MiL has a small policy. The funeral mass is the one thing she has requested and will be the least expensive. There are others that will go to the funeral. If MiL was active in the parish, as it sounds, other parishioners and friends will come as well.

 

[MineMail]

As already stated several times, Catholic funeral Masses are not as complex as a Wedding Mass. The Parish can either handle everything or cue the persons chosen to give readings, bring up gifts, etc.

It's not expensive. It's not inconvenient. It's not time-consuming. It's not a major burden in terms of actions and responsibilities.

Most of the family was Catholic at some point and the sister is still active in her own parish. The MIL is a Catholic and this is what she's asked for at the end of her life. The woman is still alive, has some assets and a small insurance policy, so she's not the financial burden the OP is trying to paint.

There's really no excuse for denying the woman what many Catholics consider to be a final blessing and send-off. As already stated, a Catholic funeral is NOT a sacrament, but it is a respectful and prayerful farewell blessing that many feel helps their souls ascend into Heaven.

Cheap out on the flowers, the visitation/wake, even the hospitality, but don't cheat the woman out of her funeral Mass in Church.