culture wars and my DD(8)

[momz]

It's been a weekend of disappointment for my DD(8)...why, you may ask. Because Mommy said, "no".

We went to the bookstore, because DH and I were treating everyone to a new book. I told the kids ahead of time that their choices had to be approved.

She was immediately drawn to the products that I won't spend my money on. This is primarily the dark-themed stories. You know, the vampire, ghost, and otherwise occult stories that are so agressively marketed to children. I've told her before that I won't spend my money on that, and while she is under my roof, neither will she spend her money on that. She eventually found something that is allowed (there's actually a lot to choose from), but she pouted the entire way home because I wouldn't agree to buy her "that other book".

Fast forward to this morning. She asks me if she can have an account on Mileyworld.com. I have no idea what this is, so I told her that I would look at it and then decide. She showed me the site and I see that it has chat rooms and blogs. I'm just not sure that I want my 8 year old to participate in a chat room, or read older kids blogs for that matter. So, for now, my answer is, "no".

I'm sure she is left wondering what she is missing out on. She is a good girl and will obey me (for now). But I realize that at some point she is going to explore these things anyway. I just think 8 is too young.

It is frustrating to me that these things, that are intended for older kids, are marketed to children this young. There are many kids in her class that are well versed in matters that are beyond their ability to accurately interpret. Kids this age are concrete thinkers and cannot discern some of this stuff independently.

It truely is a culture war.

 

[golfgal]

Only if you let it be. I don't know anything about Mileyworld so I can't comment on that but if she knows about it that means her friends are on the site. As for the book thing, I will NEVER censor books. I can tell you that you are in for a LONG, LONG battle raising your kids if you don't develop some flexibility and allow them to start making choices for themselves.

 

[kellydizfan]

I kind of agree with Momz regarding the books. She is too young for that type of book. My DD 16 reads them. You will need to bend at some point Momz but at the age of 8 I wouldnt bend, there is time for that. Regarding the site, she is just following the other kids. Maybe you set it up and allow her to use it with you only but don't give her the passwords to get on the site.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I kind of agree with Momz regarding the books. She is too young for that type of book. My DD 16 reads them. You will need to bend at some point Momz but at the age of 8 I wouldnt bend, there is time for that. Regarding the site, she is just following the other kids. Maybe you set it up and allow her to use it with you only but don't give her the passwords to get on the site.

Kids in my dd's middleschool bootleg books to read from other students. These are 7th graders who are forbidden to read "occult" material like Harry Potter and other titles.

At 8yo, my dd was reading at that level. Now she is 13 and is reading Anne Rice and Stephen King.

I am trying to encourage her to read classic HS/college level books, to improve her writing.

 

[Shyvioletisme]

the website decision is appropriate if you think so, but as far as the books go: I honestly don't believe you should censor books from kids. I'm not saying you should let your 8 year old read erotica or anything, but censoring books is a very bad slippery slope. Heck I was reading Stephen King and Anne Rice when I was in elementary school. My parents didn't censor my books and it led to me having a great love of all books and really learning a lot and expanding my imagination and mind from a very early age.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

What books exactly isn't she allowed to read? Harry Potter? If so then I think you are over the top but your kid your choice.
As for the whole internet thing I agree with you.

 

[kellydizfan]

There are other books the 8 year old could be reading other than the older childrens books on a higher level than most 8 year olds. There is a big age difference between 8 & 13 and even 10. I was just stating that I wouldn't allow my child to read those books. I would steer her towards the American Girl series at this point or other series that she would enjoy at that age. Let her remain young for awhile yet - there is no need to rush into those books. I certainly wouldn't allow my 8 year old to read Ann Rice or Stephen King.

 

[marcyinPA]

I monitor what websites my 10 year old visits, because one wrong stroke of a key in the address bar can take them to some very bad places.

As far as books, I think you need to be very careful how you approach this. I would agree that Twilight (if this is the book you were implying) is not appropriate for an 8 year old. It has some more mature themes that an 8 year old probably wouldn't get. Plus, IMHO, I think Bella's obsession with Edward is unhealthy...I don't like young girls having the idea that they will "die" without their guy...

That said, to tell your daughter that she will not spend her money (or yours) on these type of books while under your roof is a pretty dangerous approach. It may work for now, but when she hits middle school and high school, don't discount the fact that she will probably borrow them from friends or the library and read them behind your back. It happens, even with the best kids!

A better approach may be to tell her that you feel she is too young to read these books right now, but when she's ___ (12, 13, 14?), she will be mature enough to handle the material. I would also encourage you to read the books first, so that you can discuss the themes with her when you deem she is ready to read them.

ETA: I don't think that Twilight was marketed to "young girls". I think it was marketed to "teen girls". I really don't think that the marketing is to blame here. I think your daughter sees her friends reading this stuff and wants to read it too. Peer pressure, you know? As for Harry Potter....to me, it's fantasy. I think if your child has the ability to read it, there is no harm. My 10 year old has not been able to concentrate on it yet. My 14 year old read the entire series by the time he was 13. (disclaimer: I did read the entire Twilight series. I did not read any of the Harry Potter series.)

 

[golfgal]

OP, have you actually read the books you are banning?

 

[momz]

OP here. She is wanting to read the Twilight series. She became interested in the Mileyworld site when she stayed the night at a friend's house and the older middle-school aged girl (7th grade I think) was on the site.

The book series and the website are intended for a middle school audience...not 8 year olds.

She reads American girl all the time. plus I allow her to read goosebumps although she's not very interested in these books. While she hasn't read Harry Potter, she has seen the first 2 movies. I would allow this, but she's not wanting to read it.

Be careful little eyes what you see, ears what you hear, mind what you think.

 

[monkeybug]

I monitor what websites my 10 year old visits, because one wrong stroke of a key in the address bar can take them to some very bad places.

As far as books, I think you need to be very careful how you approach this. I would agree that Twilight (if this is the book you were implying) is not appropriate for an 8 year old. It has some more mature themes that an 8 year old probably wouldn't get. Plus, IMHO, I think Bella's obsession with Edward is unhealthy...I don't like young girls having the idea that they will "die" without their guy...

That said, to tell your daughter that she will not spend her money (or yours) on these type of books while under your roof is a pretty dangerous approach. It may work for now, but when she hits middle school and high school, don't discount the fact that she will probably borrow them from friends or the library and read them behind your back. It happens, even with the best kids!

A better approach may be to tell her that you feel she is too young to read these books right now, but when she's ___ (12, 13, 14?), she will be mature enough to handle the material. I would also encourage you to read the books first, so that you can discuss the themes with her when you deem she is ready to read them.

I agree!
I don't think there is anything wrong with setting boundaries based on your values. I think a rational set of boundaries now, will translate into your child feeling loved later.
That said, I think you have to be careful not to over do it, or too strictly limit their choices. You don't want to force your child into deceit later by being unreasonable.
I think telling your child she can't read them now but perhaps when she is older is a great suggestion. And I agree with reading them first, and using the themes and topics to start a conversation about your family's decisions or values.
And I agree about Bella too!!!

 

[monkeybug]

OP here. She is wanting to read the Twilight series. She became interested in the Mileyworld site when she stayed the night at a friend's house and the older middle-school aged girl (7th grade I think) was on the site.

The book series and the website are intended for a middle school audience...not 8 year olds.

She reads American girl all the time. plus I allow her to read goosebumps although she's not very interested in these books. While she hasn't read Harry Potter, she has seen the first 2 movies. I would allow this, but she's not wanting to read it.

Be careful little eyes what you see, ears what you hear, mind what you think.

I wouldn't let an 8 year old read Twilight either, I think it is aimed at a much older audience.

 

[marcyinPA]

OP here. She is wanting to read the Twilight series. She became interested in the Mileyworld site when she stayed the night at a friend's house and the older middle-school aged girl (7th grade I think) was on the site.

The book series and the website are intended for a middle school audience...not 8 year olds.

She reads American girl all the time. plus I allow her to read goosebumps although she's not very interested in these books. While she hasn't read Harry Potter, she has seen the first 2 movies. I would allow this, but she's not wanting to read it.

Be careful little eyes what you see, ears what you hear, mind what you think.

So will you let her read Twilight when she is at the age of the targeted audience? In your original post, you indicated that she will not spend her money on these books while she lives under your roof. Was this an exaggeration of words, or did you mean she will not spend her money on these books until she's old enough to read them. Big difference!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OP here. She is wanting to read the Twilight series. She became interested in the Mileyworld site when she stayed the night at a friend's house and the older middle-school aged girl (7th grade I think) was on the site.

The book series and the website are intended for a middle school audience...not 8 year olds.

She reads American girl all the time. plus I allow her to read goosebumps although she's not very interested in these books. While she hasn't read Harry Potter, she has seen the first 2 movies. I would allow this, but she's not wanting to read it.

Be careful little eyes what you see, ears what you hear, mind what you think.

If you don't think she is ready, I see nothing wrong with holding off on Twilight. Not going to argue there. You gave the impression you were banning the book from your house due to the "occult" nature of it.

 

[golfgal]

OP here. She is wanting to read the Twilight series. She became interested in the Mileyworld site when she stayed the night at a friend's house and the older middle-school aged girl (7th grade I think) was on the site.

The book series and the website are intended for a middle school audience...not 8 year olds.

She reads American girl all the time. plus I allow her to read goosebumps although she's not very interested in these books. While she hasn't read Harry Potter, she has seen the first 2 movies. I would allow this, but she's not wanting to read it.

Be careful little eyes what you see, ears what you hear, mind what you think.

While I agree Twilight is not an appropriate book for an 8 year old to tell her that she will NEVER read those books while she lives in your house is WAY over the top. Personally, the books are not all that bad, they are not cultish in any way, and quite frankly they are very poorly written but they are appealing to the tween/teen crowd. A better way to handle something like this is to say, honey, that book is a little too mature for an 8 year old, lets talk about reading it in a couple years. What you did guarantees that she will read the book at a friends house. Do you really want to force your child to lie to you?

When DD14 was in 6th grade she wanted to read the book "A Boy Called It". If you haven't read it, the book is about a man's telling of his childhood being horribly abused by his mom. I had a hard time reading the book and told DD that I thought she was too young to read the books but if she wanted to read them just know she didn't have to finish them (there is a series of 3). She read all of them and did fine with them. I also think they are part of the reason why she isn't a grumpy, sassy teen. She KNOWS how good she has it.

 

[kathie859]

My "little girl" is all grown up now with babies of her own. Like her parents, she is a voracious reader. I never banned any book she wanted to read. I just believed (and still do) that in order to develop taste and preferences that you have to be exposed to a wide variety of offerings. I'd rather allow my child to develop her own direction while insuring that I am reading what SHE is reading in case there's a cause for discussion. Just because she may read about witches, ghosts, the occult, a different belief set, etc. doesn't mean that she's going to see out the nearest coven to join up or join a cult--especially if you've taken the time to discuss the theme with her.

At any rate, kudos to the OP for actually encouraging her child to read!

Also, re: the Miley website issue--I tend to agree with you since you can't be with her online to read or monitor what's going on. She's seems just a little young for that. But I'm an old fogey so perhaps someone else has a better grasp of the site.

 

[momz]

I just wanted to add that while I realize she will read these things when she is older. I'm still not going to spend my money on it. There is a distinction here. I'm not naive enough to think that she will not be exploring these books. But, I am wise enough to not use my money to propogate the marketing of it.

Can you see the difference?

Also, just because I won't allow it at 8, does not mean that she will NEVER see it. That is just extrapolating my current view onto an older child. When a child reaches the teen years, they have a better ability to discern more abstract concepts. At 8, a child reading about vampires, or ghosts, or werewolves, may develop some fears that are very real to them. I know that after the sun goes down, ideas about what is real, and what is not become blurry to an 8 year old.

 

[Erin1700]

I agree she shouldnt be reading Twilight because she is too young right now. But I think saying she cant read them at all ever in your home is crazy.

The internet thing I am on the fence about.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

It's been a weekend of disappointment for my DD(8)...why, you may ask. Because Mommy said, "no".

We went to the bookstore, because DH and I were treating everyone to a new book. I told the kids ahead of time that their choices had to be approved.

She was immediately drawn to the products that I won't spend my money on. This is primarily the dark-themed stories. You know, the vampire, ghost, and otherwise occult stories that are so agressively marketed to children. I've told her before that I won't spend my money on that, and while she is under my roof, neither will she spend her money on that. She eventually found something that is allowed (there's actually a lot to choose from), but she pouted the entire way home because I wouldn't agree to buy her "that other book".

Fast forward to this morning. She asks me if she can have an account on Mileyworld.com. I have no idea what this is, so I told her that I would look at it and then decide. She showed me the site and I see that it has chat rooms and blogs. I'm just not sure that I want my 8 year old to participate in a chat room, or read older kids blogs for that matter. So, for now, my answer is, "no".

I'm sure she is left wondering what she is missing out on. She is a good girl and will obey me (for now). But I realize that at some point she is going to explore these things anyway. I just think 8 is too young.

It is frustrating to me that these things, that are intended for older kids, are marketed to children this young. There are many kids in her class that are well versed in matters that are beyond their ability to accurately interpret. Kids this age are concrete thinkers and cannot discern some of this stuff independently.
It truely is a culture war.

You are far, far underestimating the developmental level of the typical 8/9 year old. Although I agree that Twilight would not be a good choice at 8.

Be careful of saying "never" though. Your kid will probably be exposed in some way or other, either they sneak the book behind your back (the forbidden is always tempting) or in school. My kid's 6th grade teacher read Twilight as the read aloud book in class. Mainly to emphasize the poor writing and plot development, but it was read in class.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

Okay, I have no issues with you policing your daughter's online time. Blogs and chat rooms where you don't know who your daughter could be interacting with are something that you justifiably should be concerned with.

Personally, I wouldn't stop my child from reading anything they wanted to. Twilight and its ilk weren't around when I was 8, but that doesn't mean I didn't read some dark and heavy things. My mom was a high school English teacher and I kept copies of all her textbooks in my room. I read what her high schoolers did. I found the drivel marketed to kids my age not worth my time. Yes, I got some adult content with my reading, enough that pre-teen friends of mine came to me with their questions. I don't know if your daughter's the type to demolish a youth psychology book, but I was. And of course, all this adult knowledge scarred me to the point where I grew up, had a normal life, got married and became a useful member of society. The horrors.

Your daughter sounds like a smart girl. The kind with a library card and/or friends with access to these books you have denied her. If she's anything like I was, she will find your refusal to let her read these things irresistble and go behind your back to do so. You have made them forbidden fruit.