Culture differences in dating

[Sleepy]

First of all, I think it is important to understand that everyone has a different style of parenting and even people who come from the same cultural background need to sit down and discuss how they wish to raise the children. Maybe the woman wants to be strict while the man is willing to let the kids raise themselves.

I have a slightly different situation from yours. We are American and live in Italy. I will never and I repeat NEVER completely drop my culture just because I don't live in my native country!!!!!! Your culture is a link to who you are. Your children need to know everything there is to know about you and your family. If they don't speak Russian, how will they speak to your family??? I know many families here where one parent is American and the other is Italian. Usually, the kids will speak English to the American parent and Italian to the Italian parent. The point is they know how to speak both! Everything else, such as how strict you all will be with the children is a normal problem all couples have.

As far as our situation, we had to adjust based on where we lived, but we only adjusted where we felt comfortable. I still don't think it is appropriate or necessary for an 8 year old child to be out running the streets playing at midnight. My kid was never allowed to do that no matter what Enzo and Bruno was allowed to do. While Thanksgiving is not an Italian holiday we still have Thanksgiving dinner and celebrate this day. Just because I live here does not mean I can't observe it anymore. Nobody has the right to tell a person they can't observe their culture.

Sit down and discuss your concerns NOW. Don't wait until after the kids are born.

 

[Sleepy]

And yes there are Americans that believe that you should chuck heritage when you live here.

Those are the people who should spend at least a month in another country. They would change their view.

 

[shortbun]

My son's birthmother was half Russian. He doesn't know her but we've taken him to the Russian Club activities here since he was born and he's a big chess player. He doesn't speak much Russian but can understand it a little. I think with Russian family you could easily keep the culture alive for your children, espcially if your husband is supportive.

 

[Green Tea]

If you only speak Russian to your child, and your spouse speaks English, the child should grown up as a native speaker of both languages, easily going back and forth between the two. What a wonderful gift to give a child!

Different countries, different sides of town....it doesn't really matter when it comes to parenting. You figure it out and find your own way together.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Right, but teach your child to read and write the language as well.

 

[Laura]

I agree with many of the other posters who say that there are all kinds of differences a couple may have, even if they have similar cultural backgrounds. I think it's great that you want to pass on your culture and language to future children--it will enrich their lives. But I give you big kudos for thinking about this before getting engaged or married.

My family is Irish-German Catholic. My brother married an Indian atheist and my sister married a Puerto Rican Catholic. (I'm the "rebel" who married a WASP.) While their families have been in the country for a long time and my SIL and BIL are essentially all-American folks, it's still quite a difference. My BIL's family is either bilingual or Spanish-speaking, and my sister is going to make a strong attempt to incorporate the Spanish language and Puerto Rican culture into her toddler's life. She's adding Three Kings Day to the holidays and has learned to make a few Puerto Rican dishes. They're going to try to teach their kid at least some Spanish as well as English. While my brother and SIL don't have kids and my SIL doesn't really know Hindi or Telugu, the whole family has benefited from the culture sharing--especially the food!

If you make the effort to teach your child Russian, he or she will learn the language. It's so much easier to do when they're little. And I couldn't imagine that your boyfriend would have a problem with that, as he's trying to learn the language himself. Likewise with incorporating elements of your culture into his life.

As for how to raise kids, parents disagree all the time on that; it really isn't necessarily a cultural thing. My parents were more strict than my husband's. I don't think you have to go by what your parents have done instead of his, you could combine the two styles or perhaps he would like to raise his child more like your parents raised you. Some children respond better to certain parenting styles, anyway, so I wouldn't get too tied up with how you'll do it. There's plenty of time to work out the specifics, but of course you have to talk with your boyfriend about all of this.

 

[GothTink]

I've been dating this great guy for some time now. I love him, I can't imagine my life without him. He makes me so happy, and he is so sweet to me.

This says it all. If you love one another, you'll find a way.

 

[Briarmom]

Those are the people who should spend at least a month in another country. They would change their view.

Part of me thinks the same thing, but then a larger part of me thinks they should stay in the US and never never get a passport. I want to blend in and be as polite as possible in each and every country I visit. Don't want to perpetuate any of those horrid American stereotypes, you know.

OP, as many posters have said, we all have to figure these things out when we get married. Good luck to you.

 

[Chicago526]

All I can tell you is to talk to your fiance. Talk a lot! Talk all the time. And then talk some more.

My mother told me about the talks she and my father had before getting married. In their case, there was no cultural difference, but my mother wanted to make sure they were on the same page as fare as the relationship went, how they would treat each other, expectations for kids and how they would raise the kids, etc. She grew up watching her parents have huge fights, so bad that my grandfather would storm out, and she was always affraid he'd never come back (he always did, and the celebrated 50 years of being married in fact!). She wanted to be sure that her children didn't go through the same things.

And it worked. In 39 years of marriage, they never once fought. The disagreed about things, sure. But they never got mad about it, they just talked it out and came to a compromise. They knew going in what to expect from each other. Dad wanted one kid, mom wanted four. They settled on two, but then had a third (me!) because they had two boys and mom wanted a girl! Mom had to move six times in as many years due to my dad's job transfers. Mom wanted to raise us kids in the Catholic church, dad was a lapsed Catholic but was okay with it. Dozens of compromises, some big, some little. But all talked about, often up front before the issue was even on the horizon.

So that's my advice. Talk talk talk talk talk! And be willing to be flexable, you can't expect your fiance to make all the sacrafices and not get anything that he feels is important to him.

 

[robinb]

I'm posting without reading what others have said ...

I think that everyone has questions about the person they may marry. Culture, religion, parenting, etc. I think it's great that you are thinking about this in advance.

I don't see a problem at all with your cultural differences. You BF seems to be fine celebrating your Russian culture. As for the kids knowing Russian and understanding your culture, that would be up to you but you can do it if you want to. One of my neighbors is a young couple with two kids under 4. The mom is from the Netherlands and she speaks Dutch to her kids about 70% of the time even when we non-Dutch speakers are around. The dad is American and he speaks English to the kids all the time.

As for parenting ... you will have to compromise. Obviously BOTH of you turned out OK with the different parenting methods but you do have to be on the same page when raising kids.

Good luck! You seem to be heading in the right direction.