Controlling Relationships Question

[Elmo9607]

I've thought for awhile about how I should post this, but I figured I'd just give it a shot.

I have a few questions about the issues that can arise out of being in a controlling relationship. First, an example. I met a guy this summer and we went on a few dates. We liked each other, but after having a few long talks, we decided that it would be best to not get involved in a relationship because we are both still in school and working and we both have crazy schedules, which would make it hard to see each other, ect.

So we remained friends. We talked occasionaly, only to have him disappear for awhile two weeks ago. The other day I received an email from him explaining the reasons of the disappearance. In a nutshell, it turns out he decided to get back together with his ex. He told her about us, and how we were still friends, and she forbade him to ever speak to me again. I have not heard from him since.

So, this raises a few questions from me. In my eyes, this is a controlling relationship since she has made it very clear he is to have NO communication with me whatsover. Is that ever okay? Is it ever okay to cut somebody off of somebody they once dated and are now friends with? I have to say no...speaking from personal experience.

My last ex did this to me constantly. First it was just one guy I wasn't supposed to talk to. Then it was another. I was to have no contact with any of them. I was told where I could and couldn't go, and who I could and couldn't hang out with. It was HORRIBLE. I didn't listen to him...and continued to speak with my friends (who just happened to be male...I didn't even date them before I met him!!) and go wherever I wanted. It backfired horribly for him. It got to the point to where the distrust was so bad that he would go through my phone to check my messages to make sure I wasn't talking to anyone. We had a miserable relationship.

My biggest point is...doesn't controlling behavior arise out of distrust in a relationship? I mean, if you have a healthy relationship and there is a certain amount of openess between you and your significant other, there would be no reason for this crap. I never questioned my ex...where he went, what he did. Of course, he always lied to me about what he actually did. It just wasn't worth the effort to try to dictate him.

The reason why I'm so alarmed with my friend's situation is that they have only been dating for a week I mean, even if this girl wants to "lay down the law", she isn't even giving my friend a chance to prove himself. And since they dated before, she should have an idea about whether or not he can be flakey. If he is, one would wonder why she got back together with him

I'm not going to tell him any of this, and I'm not looking to break up their relationship. I would just hate for him to get hurt by this, because as far as I'm concerned, it only gets worse as time goes on. That is something a person has to realize on their own, and I see no reason why I should help him out. Might be harsh, but it's true. What also strikes me as odd is when we talked once, we both mentioned we could not stand being in a controlling relationship.

I would love to know what you all think of controlling relationships in general. Are they ever okay? Is it ever okay to tell someone who they can and can't speak to, where they can and can't go? Have you ever done this to somebody? What was your reason?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Controlling people can be mentally ill, OCD, Type A people, or whatever, etc. It arises out of their character. More importantly who is "worse" the person who is controlling or the person that accepts the control.

In your first example, I do not consider "controlling". Asking your EX to dump the girl your dating is kind of normal. The fact you see as "controlling" is interesting.

As far as your EX, hanging onto to someone like that speaks of your own issues. Continuing to be with someone who is telling you how to live, who to see says something about yourself. No matter that you did not "listen" to him, it still says something about yourself. The normal response to your ex would be to cut them loose immediately because a "controller's" behavior is abnormal.

Thirdly, many people NEED controlling relationships. Some people are "weak" (read sick themselves) and need to be told what to do. Their life depends on it, even though they may not like it.

I could say more about "control" but it it not allowed here on the DISboards.

 

[MoniqueU]

What you describe to me is more of a jealous thing then controlling. My husband was briefly married to a woman for about a year. She ended it with him. When we were just together weeks she called out of the blue and he went and met her. I was completly jealous but as the new girl didn't want to make a fuss. But once we were living together she would call our house and hang up on me if I answered and then talk to him if he answered. I did put my flipping foot down on that one and told him no more contact whatsoever, I didn't care how much I could trust him it wasn't about mistrust it was about respect to me. We also had a mutual friend that he and I both knew and liked at one time. However things got shakey with my husband and I and she was giving him advice that I didn't appreciate. Again I said oh hell no. She contacted him on facebook and I was really not happy. I have his password and account info but am not going to snoop on him but now just thinking about that I hope his ex doesn't pop back in our lives.
However both my mom and MIL were in controlling relationships. My MIL by far the worst. She was told not to hang out with this girlfriend or that girfriend or coworker or family member etc. She was told exactly what to spend and how long to be gone for. I would be shocked if she didn't have to show her husband her grocery reciept so he couuld go over every item. She wasn't allowed to see us or her grandkids we had to bring them to her at lunch at school or maybe once every couple of months she would stop by after school. I guess she told him she had a meeting or he was working late. I blame her as much as him. I wouldn't let anyone keep me from my kids or grandkids. The second he died she gave all his stuff away, sold the house and moved and reaquanted with old friends and family and traveled and saw plays and paid for a movie in a theater and went out to eat and spent time with us. All stuff she couldn't do while he was alive. That went far beyond jealousy like you are talking about this was total control and she let it happen. She had a good job and could support herself but stayed in the siituation out of choice. She even has the gall to bring him up to us in good terms. I am just glad he was gone before I had to explain to my kids why they couldn't see thier grandpa and only saw their grandma once a month for half an hour.

 

[Imzadi]

I don't see this situation as controlling. One request does not make a controlling relationship. For one thing, you do not know enough about their previous relationship and what really went down and why it ended. For all you know, he could have had a roving eye, tended to be emotionally unfaithful, and she is wary of that happening again.

You said she forbade him to ever talk to you. Unless he had made an agreement saying, "Fine, but I will be sending her one last email to explain it all," then he's already broken his promise to her. So much for his trustworthiness.

When people get into relationships, they make agreements about certain things. They compromise. They hopefully share certain values and have a level of standards. The GF gets to ask for certain things, and the BF decides to agree or not. He has that right, too.

If his friendship with you, as someone he used to date, makes her uncomfortable enough that she states she does not want him to have anything to do with you, he decides whether he will agree or not. If he cares about her feelings, knowing seeing you will constantly make her upset, and he considers her happiness is of greater importance than his friendship with you, then he won't see you.

There will be times he requests certain things of her. Mature relationships have a give & take, a negotiation.

Thirdly, many people NEED controlling relationships. Some people are "weak" (read sick themselves) and need to be told what to do. Their life depends on it, even though they may not like it.

Yes, security expert, Gavin de Becker, in his book, The Gift of Fear, talks about the dynamic, "People who can't say "No," often wind up with people who can't let go."

A healthy person would have walked away & left the relationship when her boyfriend became irrationally controlling, rather than trying to ignore it, or defy him. That in itself is a control issue/power struggle. A healthy person would just leave and find another healthy person.


Monique, if you are really interested in having people actually read what you wrote, and it wasn't just one, long continuous ramble to/for yourself, you might want to go back and edit and add in some paragraphs. Use the Return/Enter key to add in lines every 4-5 sentences. You may have said something important or interesting, but I am certainly not going to read through all that.

 

[3 MEN AND A BOAT]

i don't see that as controlling at all, really who wants their husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend to be hanging around their ex that by your admission the only reason you both broke it off was timing; and since he is now in a relationship (i assume still in school, working, and still has a crazy schedule) begs the question as to whether this was a mutual decision or mostly yours.
i have asked and been ask to break off freindships when dating/now married, sometimes its for the betterment of the relationship.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Mystery Machine just nailed it....

If you have been burned by a controlling boyfriend/spouse, you may be hyper-sensitive to any control issues???

But, really, if one is attempting to have success at getting back together with somebody, there are probably trust issues to be addressed, and I think it might be not only be normal, but highly advisable to forgo any relationships that really only consisted of dating and romantic interests....

I think that going quite a ways BEYOND that would definitely be controlling. But, I do not find this single thing to be enough to define this as a controlling/controlled relationship.

Just because you dated this person a few times, etc... does not really mean that they owe you undying friendship for the rest of their life...
True, she may have said that she would really like to ask that he not see you on a personal level...
But, it is also possible, or even likely, that he wishes to make a clean break here, focus on success with his ex, and is just being very 'strong' about the fact that she doesn't really like the idea of him seeing the woman he has just been dating... Then, he might not have to hurt your feelings as much by saying, "Look, it's over, I don't want to see you..." Period.....

Let it go...

 

[lovesmurfs]

I've thought for awhile about how I should post this, but I figured I'd just give it a shot.

I have a few questions about the issues that can arise out of being in a controlling relationship. First, an example. I met a guy this summer and we went on a few dates. We liked each other, but after having a few long talks, we decided that it would be best to not get involved in a relationship because we are both still in school and working and we both have crazy schedules, which would make it hard to see each other, ect.

So we remained friends. We talked occasionaly, only to have him disappear for awhile two weeks ago. The other day I received an email from him explaining the reasons of the disappearance. In a nutshell, it turns out he decided to get back together with his ex. He told her about us, and how we were still friends, and she forbade him to ever speak to me again. I have not heard from him since.

So, this raises a few questions from me. In my eyes, this is a controlling relationship since she has made it very clear he is to have NO communication with me whatsover. Is that ever okay? Is it ever okay to cut somebody off of somebody they once dated and are now friends with? I have to say no...speaking from personal experience.

My last ex did this to me constantly. First it was just one guy I wasn't supposed to talk to. Then it was another. I was to have no contact with any of them. I was told where I could and couldn't go, and who I could and couldn't hang out with. It was HORRIBLE. I didn't listen to him...and continued to speak with my friends (who just happened to be male...I didn't even date them before I met him!!) and go wherever I wanted. It backfired horribly for him. It got to the point to where the distrust was so bad that he would go through my phone to check my messages to make sure I wasn't talking to anyone. We had a miserable relationship.

My biggest point is...doesn't controlling behavior arise out of distrust in a relationship? I mean, if you have a healthy relationship and there is a certain amount of openess between you and your significant other, there would be no reason for this crap. I never questioned my ex...where he went, what he did. Of course, he always lied to me about what he actually did. It just wasn't worth the effort to try to dictate him.

The reason why I'm so alarmed with my friend's situation is that they have only been dating for a week I mean, even if this girl wants to "lay down the law", she isn't even giving my friend a chance to prove himself. And since they dated before, she should have an idea about whether or not he can be flakey. If he is, one would wonder why she got back together with him

I'm not going to tell him any of this, and I'm not looking to break up their relationship. I would just hate for him to get hurt by this, because as far as I'm concerned, it only gets worse as time goes on. That is something a person has to realize on their own, and I see no reason why I should help him out. Might be harsh, but it's true. What also strikes me as odd is when we talked once, we both mentioned we could not stand being in a controlling relationship.

I would love to know what you all think of controlling relationships in general. Are they ever okay? Is it ever okay to tell someone who they can and can't speak to, where they can and can't go? Have you ever done this to somebody? What was your reason?

...the Rule...

My spidey sense gets going on the situation you've described. Was she really an "ex" when you started dating him, or was he cheating on her? I'm wondering if this is a condition of their staying together. In that case, I would say that, yes, she has a right to dictate the terms. This may be why the scheduling didn't work out as well.

I believe relationships should be give and take, and sometimes each party needs to be controlling for particular issues, etc. The key is that both parties need to perceive the relationship as being fair and reasonable.

 

[Elmo9607]

...the Rule...

My spidey sense gets going on the situation you've described. Was she really an "ex" when you started dating him, or was he cheating on her? I'm wondering if this is a condition of their staying together. In that case, I would say that, yes, she has a right to dictate the terms. This may be why the scheduling didn't work out as well.

I believe relationships should be give and take, and sometimes each party needs to be controlling for particular issues, etc. The key is that both parties need to perceive the relationship as being fair and reasonable.

As far as I know, she really was an ex. And it is a condition of them staying together. I agree with relationships needing to be give and take...and sometimes if people aren't willing to compromise on certain issues there shouldn't be a relationship.

I don't have a problem with him dating her, I was just mostly using it as an example of something that happened recently I wanted to bring up. I am more upset about the loss of a friendship than I am about him being with someone else...like I said before, there was no chance of us having a relationship farther than a friendship and that was a mutual decision on both our ends. I'm not feeling "burned" by his desicion to get back together with her.

And someone mentioned this earlier...he told me in his email that she didn't know he was sending it. So yes, the trust for that has already been broken, and it ties into my example earlier of how people who "forbid" someone to talk to somebody would go behind their backs and do it. And I did reply to him, saying I respected his desicion and wished him luck and I was glad he was happy. (and I hope he stays that way)

And no, it's not a "contolling" relationship per say at the moment, but sometimes these things escalate until they really get out of hand.