Churches and Special Needs Kids

[luvmarypoppins]

I guess I am looking for some advice on how to handle a specific situation and also wondering what your church does etc.
Our situation: We have a small church, about 100 people.About 50 people in the place ever do any of the work. There are 2 nurserys, 1 up to 2 years old and then 3-5, toddlers. Sometimes K if they have a short attention span and then they go to junior church starting at K. Its not even the whole church time, just over 1 hour. Our church rule is that in all nurserys there is to be l adult and l teen helper. I do the toddler nursery and l of my teen ds helps when its my assigned turn. There really arent any extra adult helpers or teens because they are all assigned etc. and we rotate. As is we are all doing what we can in our little church. Well you have seen me post about the little autistic boy whom I will call Jack before. Well yest. Jack was in junior church, apparently thats where his parents want him. I really dont have a problem with mainstreaming etc. Well those adult/teen send Jack back to us, obviously he cant focus, is being disruptive etc. Well with us he was pretty good until he melted down and wanted to go outside. It took my ds all his strength to hold the door shut and keep him in etc. I dont think we could lock the door, its a fire code thing or something. Must remain accesible etc. Jack is huge for his age, about as big as his 8 yo bro. If he remains with us I am afraid that eventually he might cause physical harm to one of the younger children if his meltdowns go out of control. We love him and want to do whats best but at this point I dont even know what is best. I am not a trained professional and Jacks parents dont even seem to care, never speak to us about how to handle him etc. I honestly dont know how some of the older workers handle him, Worse after church yest. we had to wait for dh to count money. So the ds and I waited in the car.Jack was in the parking lot play area all by himself, no parents anywhere. We just quietly watched him because if you call out to him he has a tendancy to run away, and no he was not in any danger or we would have brought him inside but it was more of his parents attitude of caring less that so upset my ds and I. I am just beside myself but keep my mouth shut. What should I do and how do you handle things like this?

 

[roseprincess]

I could see your concern for Jack. Maybe talk to his parents about Jack and ask how can you as an individual and as a church help Jack during children's church.
Most small churches unfortunately are not equipped with people that will help out with special needs kids. For example, having a one-on-one volunteer with the special needs child. I am a big advocate for special needs children because I have 2 of them! My DD has a complex congenital heart defect and has some mild cognitive delays. DS is autistic- more on the lines of Aspergers.

I go to a megachurch in the Chicago area and it is the BEST for children's church. We call ours Promiseland! We have people volunteer at Promiseland as a one-on-one volunteer for special needs children- even for autistic children! I had a one-on-two volunteer since my kids were 3 yrs. old.My kids are twins. They graduated out of a church volunteer over a yr ago.

I hope for the best for Jack and his parents . Is this family just visiting your church for a few months or have they been coming for a long time? Maybe they would feel more comfortable in a bigger church that can equip them with a one-on-one volunteer? Just my opinion.

Best wishes and keep us posted what happens

 

[VirtuallyMe]

Yeah- tricky situation- I would talk to the parents and see if they can suggest something- maybe put out for a male high school student from the congregation to come and be a church buddy for this little boy- mainstreaming is ideal- but you also have to make sure the other kids get out of the service what they are supposed to- and no one gets hurt or mishandled.

Our Catholic Diocese offers a special needs mass every other month (I know not nearly often enough for some of these families) at a local Catholic High School- it is great- the autistic kids can get up and walk around, if they call out no one looks at them funny- and if they insist that all the candles be put out it is taken in stride and mass goes on... It started specifically for autsitic children/families and has expanded to a large amount of those with physical and mental disabilities. Mass is signed for the hearing impaired and having a service dog for the visually impaired doesn't raise an eyebrow.

Many families just never went to mass all at the same time- so this is especially nice for them to have for holidays and things like that. I do wish they could at least offer the service monthly- but since the every other month is up from once a quarter I suppose we should just take it as it goes. A few of the other local churches are occaisionally offering an extra service in their churches too- but I know at one- there were some people attending who were unaware and who were more than a little upset by the behavior-

 

[missypie]

I would try to put the word out for a one on one volunteer...maybe a few teen boys could rotate the job.

 

[Aimeedyan]

I would get Jack a buddy that works with him each week. Pref the same person, though that may be impossible, but even a rotating group of the same volunteers would be a good first step. And mom and dad need to be part of that rotation unless Jack doesn't respond well when his parents are there.

Is there a minister on staff that could visit with the parents about the issues?

 

[agnes!]

The safety/well-being of everyone (all the children - including Jack + the teachers/aides) is the central issue. Sounds like you *have* to make an appointment with the Pastor/Board of Trustees to discuss where to go from here. Time for some hard choices for *everyone*, by the time someone gets hurt it will be too late.

agnes!

 

[KirstenB]

First, bless you for caring so much about this little boy. I've often wondered how our small church would accomodate a special needs child. Our nursery/Sunday School situation is exactly as you've described.

You mentioned he has a brother. Does the brother go to junior church too? Is his brother helpful in knowing how to calm him? The parents' attitude makes this such a tough situation. But I think you or someone at church does need to speak with them. Explain that you want to include this child, but some information would help everyone out. Does he have a favorite calming object, like a blanket? Or a favorite drink or simple snack? Perhaps when he's having a meltdown, one of the older kids could walk over to church and pull one of his parents out. I know it could be hard to talk to the parents, but you're responsible for the safety of all the other kids too. Since everyone's safety is the first concern, someone needs to have this conversation.

We've had very rambunctious kids in the nursery before (if our Sunday School teacher doesn't show up, sometimes we take the kids in the nursery), and it makes me SO nervous for the little ones, exactly as you described.

 

[robinb]

I had a similar experience when I worked in the Nursery at my local YMCA. Parents would drop off their children ages 6 weeks through 7 years while they would work out. We were staffed with maybe 4 people at once. One or two would take care of the babies while the others took care of the older children. During some of the more popular exercise classes we would have up to 25 kids in the Nursery at once. Like you, we were not professionals. There was one paid staff: the supervisor and the rest of us were volunteers.

We had a 7 year-old autistic boy who had to have an adult with him at all times because otherwise he would strike other children, bolt out the door to the play ground no matter what the weather or pull the fire alarm. Unfortunately, the placement of the fire alarm was right next to the emergency exit and we could not restrict access to it. Of course, his mom loved to come at busy times when we were slammed with kids. When she would be called out of her class or down from the workout rooms because his behavior got out of hand she would be very mad at us. Then again, the entire YMCA got kinda mad when her son would pull the fire alarm and we would all have to exit the building in the freezing cold weather, including the toddlers there for swim lessons.

The YMCA finally came to the very hard decision that the Nursery just couldn't take the little boy any longer. We were not professionals. We didn't have enough staff for one-to-one when he came in. If you took your eye off him for a second he would go right for the fire alarm and disrupt the entire facility. I felt pretty sorry for his mom since she was just trying to catch a break and a breather.

As for your problem, I am sure that others have the same problem with Jack. I would talk to your pastor about it along with the person who runs the nursery. Maybe you can brainstorm a couple of solutions, like an extra teen in the Junior Church just for Jack or having one parent with him at all times. Then the pastor needs to speak to the parents and lay out the options. My guess is that his parents do care about Jack, but they are too worn out and worn down by the time they get to church they are just looking for some peace and breathing room.

 

[momof3disneyholics]

Wow, I have a 6 year old autistic son and I definately wouldn't leave him alone in a parking lot, not even for one minute. I would definately talk to his parents. All the things you are saying are very typical of my autistic son too, so I know what you are dealing with. His parents should be aware of his behavior too, although they may be ignoring it.

 

[dzorn]

A definite talk with his parents are in order?

Ask for any tips that could calm him down. If he is having a melt down one of his parents should be call in to calm him. These parents are probably over stressed and looking for some help. If his psychologist or special needs group is in the area ask if they can come talk to all the volunteers and get a little informal training on autism and common problems these children have: sensory issues etc.

Never should he be left alone in a parking lot. You should have informed the parents right away.

It is a difficult position to be in. As a mother of a special need child, my church is a great support for my family. During VBS I said I can't find DD everyone dropped everything until she was located (She needed to go to the bathroom).

Denise in MI

 

[Beca]

I think the idea of getting Jack a "buddy" is a really good idea. Maybe ask the parents if they would mind assigning this buddy since they would have a better idea of who Jack might bond with.

Another option (if your church could afford it), is to go to a "beeper" system, if not for all kids, maybe just to address Jack's special needs. If Jack begins to need a break from Children's Church, instead of sending him into the nursery, they could simply page the parents to come calm him down, or get him if that fails. I know so many bigger churches who do this. Most even have a projection screen where a child's "number" is displayed if a parent needs to leave to attend to them. I know small, inexpensive systems are made for small churces.

 

[Hannathy]

We have beepers parents in the nursery can take when they drop off their kids and be beeped if needed. I have also sent someone down to the sanctuary to get the parents if we couldn't control the child, or if they were sick. Ie we had a Kindergartener have an "accident" and needed Mom. We have a special needs little girl in our church and for VBS we ask for volunteers to stay with her and if we get an adult the Mom shows them if they are willing how to change her and lift her out of her special chair, if we only get teens the Mom knows she will have to diaper her and take her out of her chair, unless an older teen whose parent's ok it and she has been trained agrees to move her. Otherwise they just stay with her and keep her in her chair and help her go to the different classes etc,. I think you need to have whoever is in charge of your nursery/Sunday school talk to the parents, one child cannot be allowed to hurt others just to accommodate for him. I also think the practice of allowing older kids (any kids) in the nursery should be stopped, the other class either deals or goes and gets the parents, it is an accident waiting to happen. Good luck but you are only 1 person and can only be expected to do so much.

 

[Dory's Twin]

The part here that concerns me the most is the apparent lack of parental supervision/concern....playing in the parking lot...I wouldn't even let my non-autistic children do that! Not communicating with the childrens staff, etc. Whoa...I see some red flags here.....

I understand that they need breaks and are probably worn down and out....but....

 

[VirtuallyMe]

The part here that concerns me the most is the apparent lack of parental supervision/concern....playing in the parking lot...I wouldn't even let my non-autistic children do that! Not communicating with the childrens staff, etc. Whoa...I see some red flags here.....

I understand that they need breaks and are probably worn down and out....but....

These parents do seem like they are a few cards short of a deck when it comes to child care in general...

But I think a lot of the "not talking to children's staff" comes from that "If I don't talk about it they can't make a judgement" attitude or the "If I don't talk about it maybe they won't notice" delusion... I've actually had parents try to hide the obvious from me in Girl Scouts- and I discover a kid has a much more severe problem when they show up for the first over night event with a trunk full of medications I had no idea they were on...

I know the feeling, as a parent of a kid with Aspergers, of the pre-judgement you can get- and how my son would be expected to live up to the worst from the beginning with some people- but I always found that it was much better to be open and honest and to go out of my way to find a way to make things work. If that meant my dh was the cub scout den leader then that was how it would go... I am by no means a helicopter mom- if anything I'm more the opposite- but I do make sure that those taking care of any of my kids know a little something about them. I suppose having my special needs child first benefitted my younger kids- in that I always included those things that would help in the normal meltdowns for my younger kids when they were kept by others because I was so used to doing it for my oldest...