Children and Mothers new boyfriend?Your thoughts

[TnKrBeLlA012]

I was watching a case on court tv about a 3yr. who was molested by her mothers boyfriend. One subject that makes me so angry is when women move their boyfriends in with them and their children. Or they move in with them. I believe when you have small children you don't subject them to men that are not their fathers. Too many children are being abused by the mothers boyfriends/husbands. These kids grow up needing therapy. I think this is complete selfishness on the part of the mother.Take care of your kids first. Wait to have relationships with men. Most of these men could careless about the girlfriends kids. I just think in this day and age divorce is so wide spread. People tend to think about their emotional needs first,instead of the most precious gift we are given,our kids. Just looking for a little feedback on this subject.

 

[Bojangles]

Originally posted by TnKrBeLlA012
Just looking for a little feedback on this subject.

I think this is one of the most ignorant posts I have ever read here.

 

[robinb]

I don't think that women should put off their love life until their children are grown-up. However, I do think that some women with small children get into adult, sexual relationships with men way too fast. I'm not even talking about abuse, here. I'm talking about jerking around your kids' heartstrings with one sleep-over boy friend after another. The relationships are so poorly thought out and the BF is here and gone so fast the kids really don't know what to feel. It's very immature on the part of the parent. My daughter's best friend's mother is such a woman and moved in with her latest BF less than 6 weeks after meeting him .

IMO, your children should come first. If I were single, I wouldn't even introduce a man to my child within the first 6 weeks of meeting him! I wouldn't want my child to make an attachment to a man that I didn't already have a serious attachment to and that takes a lot longer than 6 weeks. Heck, it took me 7 years to marry my DH .

 

[disykat]

While I don't agree about "not subjecting them to men who aren't their fathers", I do agree that people with children have to be extra careful and take their needs into consideration. My personal belief is that unmarried sleepovers shouldn't be happening in homes with children, but a marriage license isn't a guarantee either.

 

[Octoberbeauty]

Originally posted by robinb
IMO, your children should come first. If I were single, I wouldn't even introduce a man to my child within the first 6 weeks of meeting him! I wouldn't want my child to make an attachment to a man that I didn't already have a serious attachment to and that takes a lot longer than 6 weeks. Heck, it took me 7 years to marry my DH .

I agree with this. I just got divorced and I had it put in our papers that neither of us are to have overnight visitors when the kids are with us. No way would I introduce my children to someone unless I was serious about them.

I think the problem with the OP's statement is that you're assuming All women and stupid and ALL men are abusers. This is simply not true. Lots of people use common sense! You made a blanket statement that was totally uncalled for. Single mom's can date and still put their children's needs first and many men love their SO's kids as their own!

Think before you speak, please.

 

[aprilgail2]

I don't let any guy I date meet my daughter....one day when I am serious about someone and have been dating them for many many months then perhaps it will be time for them to meet my dauhgter...but I will NOT have men that I date coming in and out of her life...not fair to her. I have male firends who are just friends and have been so for many many years and she knows them just like she knows my female friends. ...I am a bit paranoid after reading so many things about moms boyfirend and new husbands molesting their kids and I just would have to find someone that I trusted deep down before I would leave her alone with them. Right now I have no desire to bring another person into our lives, I am very happy with just her and I and I don't see right now where another person would fit into our lives.

 

[auntie]

Here's just something else to consider. My daughter who is now 17 has a good friend whose mother is a single mom. Okay...they have known one another for 3 1/2 years. So my daughter was 14 when they first met, and she was invited to sleep over this girls house. I knew that the women lived with someone...who was not this girls father. I was uncomfortable about allowing my daughter to spend the night at someones home where there was an adult male who was not the childs father. I insisted on meeting the man...and seeing their apartment...and even then I was uneasy about it. My daughter did spend the night...when the boyfriend was out of town. That's what I felt comfortable with. The girls mother thought I was being such a "mom". Well...hey that's what I am...and I'm not embarrassed to be one. I am by no means a prude..and have a children both younger and older than my daughter ...so it's not as if we were going through this for the first time. You know...this woman has had 2 other boyfriends living with them in the past 31/2 years. I think she does a terrible disservice to her now 17 year old daughter. Who generally doesn't get along with these men. One has also walked in on her naked"accidently"...even though the daughters bedroom is on a different floor.??? The girls mother certainly has a right to her life...but she has continuously dragged her daughter through one awful relationship after another because she is lonely. I can't tell you the talks I've had with this child...she hates being in her own home. It breaks your heart.
In any case...this is something to consider when having a boyfriend move in to your home also...the effects it will have on your kids...and their social lives also. I feel you need to set the example that you will want them to follow. I now see this young girl thinking very little of herself...and following in a similiar situation in regards to boys her own age...even though she hates her mother for it...she is emulating her..without realizing it.

Certainly...I am not saying a single mom is not entitled to an adult relationship...I just think it should be stable and before you bring them into your home...some significant time should be invested. It's tough on the guys too because these are not his children...and once you move in...it's very different than dating when kids are involved.

 

[Virgo10]

My now DH came to live with us about 3 months before we were married. At that point he had been part of my children's lives for nearly 3 years. They met him when we had been dating for about 4 months.

If I believed that I shouldn't have dated until they were grown or that he didn't care about my children, I would have missed out on a wonderful man and they would have missed out on a great step father.

While I don't think your post is one of the most ignorant ones I've read here, I think you should calm down and take a deep breath. Terrible things do happen to both single mothers with boyfriends and mothers where Daddy is the father of the children.

If you're getting your information from Court TV, well you're not going to get anything but sensationalism. Just another reason I try and limit myself to as little TV as possible.

Roberta

 

[luvmarypoppins]

Well my cousin is one of the ones that meets a guy on the internet and before you know it, he is already moved into the house. Hello, she has a teen age daughter and a son and an alcoholic ex who could most likely care less about his kids. I think its terrible to do this to her kids. Even my aunt told her off. She replied, I have to have a social life etc. We think her kids should come first, especially with a non supportive both emotionally and financially father. The son was in counseling etc. One guy moved in from colorado and moved out, another one left, and I know there was another one in the picture lately. He brings a cooler and stays on the week ends. I feel the kids sure deserve better than this, Is this what they have to remember for the rest of their lives? Its a sad situation for our family anyway. After 2 husbands you think my cousin would have learned her lesson the hard way but its looks like the kids are learning things the hard way.

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by auntie
Here's just something else to consider. My daughter who is now 17 has a good friend whose mother is a single mom. Okay...they have known one another for 3 1/2 years. So my daughter was 14 when they first met, and she was invited to sleep over this girls house. I knew that the women lived with someone...who was not this girls father. I was uncomfortable about allowing my daughter to spend the night at someones home where there was an adult male who was not the childs father.

I have a friend who's daughter wanted to have a sleepover when she was 13 for her birthday and 2 of the kids she invited were not able to come if there was any male (including the father and if there was a brother!) in the house....he ended up going and staying in a hotel so she could have her sleepover and all the kids parents let them come then!

 

[TnKrBeLlA012]

Originally posted by Bojangles
I think this is one of the most ignorant posts I have ever read here.

Sorry,wrong. All I was looking for was a little feedback on a court case I watched. I have read alot of ignorant posts on this board,difference being I didn't let the OP know. Not wanting to be ignorant and rude about something the OP thought was an important topic. If you choose to read about whats your favorite color?what food did you eat last night? Do you like red verses blue? To each their own but Iwon't call you ignorant. When it comes to the well being of innocent children I take it seriously. Sorry I don't find that ignorant!!!

 

[mom2alix]

My father died just before I turned 2 years old and my mother met and married a wonderful man just as I started kindergarten. My step-father was a wonderful individual and was "Daddy" to me for as long as I can remember. We lost him two years ago to a heart attack just days after he held my daughter (his first grandchild) in his arms for the first time. I still miss him very much.

While I agree that a woman with children should be especially careful about the man in her life, I think that I would have missed out a great deal if my mother had never remarried. For one thing I wouldn't have my 2 (half) sisters.

I don't think a woman having the man of the moment move in is a good idea, but a loving committed relationship with a man who cares about her kids is a good thing for everyone.
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Quote:

I have a friend who's daughter wanted to have a sleepover when she was 13 for her birthday and 2 of the kids she invited were not able to come if there was any male (including the father and if there was a brother!) in the house....he ended up going and staying in a hotel so she could have her sleepover and all the kids parents let them come then!


This seems a little paranoid to me. Maybe there was more to this story?

 

[froglady]

Originally posted by aprilgail2
I have a friend who's daughter wanted to have a sleepover when she was 13 for her birthday and 2 of the kids she invited were not able to come if there was any male (including the father and if there was a brother!) in the house....he ended up going and staying in a hotel so she could have her sleepover and all the kids parents let them come then!

Now, that's going a bit too far!!! I would NEVER ask my husband to leave the house so one of my daughter's friends could spend the night.

Although the original poster might have phrased it better, I also frown upon single mothers (and fathers, but it doesn't seem to happen as much) moving their latest "honey" in. That doesn't mean that single moms shouldn't date, or have any sort of sex life. They should just keep it away from their kids until they have marriage plans.

At least once every couple of weeks I read about a child killed by the mother's boyfriend...usually as a result of "discipline.

I know that at 25 or 30 it seems like your children are going to be there forever, but their childhoods pass very quickly. You WILL have time for your own life someday.

 

[jrydberg]

Well, I'm not a mom, but a dad in that situation. Not that I really date a lot, but I wouldn't introduce dates to my daughter until it got to the point of a very serious relationship. My daughter needs stability. Dating life isn't exactly a model of stability.

 

[Planogirl]

Originally posted by aprilgail2
I have a friend who's daughter wanted to have a sleepover when she was 13 for her birthday and 2 of the kids she invited were not able to come if there was any male (including the father and if there was a brother!) in the house....he ended up going and staying in a hotel so she could have her sleepover and all the kids parents let them come then!

That seems so weird. I spent the night with lots of girlfriends and they all have fathers and brothers. I can't imagine distrusting males so much.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I don't even have kids and I wouldn't just move in witha guy after 6 weeks. I was best friends with my BF for a long time before we started dating, and did not move in with him until we'd been together for about a year. And if I had not been so close to him before, I wouldn't have moved in THAT soon.

If I had a child, I wouldn't move in with someone until I'd been with them for several years, and felt fairly certain that this was going to be a lifetime deal.

Your childs needs have to come first. Children need stability and having different boyfriends/girlfriends come and go is not good.

JMO.

 

[aprilgail2]

Originally posted by mom2alix

Quote:

I have a friend who's daughter wanted to have a sleepover when she was 13 for her birthday and 2 of the kids she invited were not able to come if there was any male (including the father and if there was a brother!) in the house....he ended up going and staying in a hotel so she could have her sleepover and all the kids parents let them come then!


This seems a little paranoid to me. Maybe there was more to this story?

It wasn't just their family..the parents won't let them sleep at anyones house who has a male in it so its not like they just didn't like this one guy...I have a firend who married a woman with two children and he didn't want any of the daughters friends to come over when the wife wasn't home, he always felt it was not appropriate for the daughter and her firends to be alone in a house with just a male.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by aprilgail2
It wasn't just their family..the parents won't let them sleep at anyones house who has a male in it so its not like they just didn't like this one guy...I have a firend who married a woman with two children and he didn't want any of the daughters friends to come over when the wife wasn't home, he always felt it was not appropriate for the daughter and her firends to be alone in a house with just a male.

What if he was a single father?

 

[sweet angel]

Sorry I don't find that ignorant!!!

How about really, really, really, really judgemental?

I'll agree that no one should have their "flavor of the month" meet the kids and/or move in right away, but who has the right to judge the "right" amount of time before that should take place? And when in a child's life is it okay?

It sounds to me that if a single parent wants to have a social life, they should wait until their child(ren) is/are 18 and able to be on their own. Or, they should do so on their own time...for example, when the child is with the other parent.

What if there is no other parent? No parents to babysit? That parent is supposed to just put their life on total hold?

I would think that would also be emotionally harmful and a bad example to set for a child.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

Originally posted by sweet angel

I would think that would also be emotionally harmful and a bad example to set for a child.

I think both are bad examples. I think 6 weeks is probably too soon, but certainly no one should put their entire life on hold. I've just seen a lot of my single parent friends move in with girlfriends/boyfriends and have their kids get attached to this man/woman and then within 3 months they move out.



But you made a lot of good points. It's just as bad to be the extreme the other way as well and have no life. I think you can put your kids needs first but still have a social life. I think the OP may have been referring to people who do this often, and tend to put their needs ahead of their kids.