Childhood Trauma and Disney World

[Susan Storm]

I'm posting this here because I have wondered about it for a long time. I have PTSD related to childhood sexual abuse that I experienced pretty heavily from the ages of 5 to 13. I don't normally talk about it AT ALL, but for some reason I have felt like maybe there are other people who feel the same way as I do. I kind of feel like I didn't have a childhood, it was all corrupted. Then I became a mother really young and had to be grown up really quickly. I love my kids and I'm glad things are better now, but I struggle a lot with PTSD and depression and having to deal with a lot of dark thoughts and hopelessness.

I went to Disney World when I was 19 and I remember sitting on the ground in Magic Kingdom watching 'Wishes' and nearly crying - this was at a point where I was really suicidal and didn't feel like there was anything left to hope for. I hadn't even really wanted to go to Disney World. Just being there, surrounded by all that magic and hope, and being surrounded by all these things that appeal to childhood and belief in your dreams, it made me feel like there was this child inside me who just wanted to be able to alive again. Maybe this sounds super cheesy, I don't know. But ever since then I think about Disney World and plan trips whenever money allows and I can make it happen. I miss it when I'm not there. I feel like for that one week when I can go I'm totally safe from the outside world. No horrible relatives or abusers will bump into me there, and it's okay there, to want to be a kid again and to think of childhood in a happy light. And the planning of it and thinking about it casts a kind of happy glow on my mind that isn't there otherwise. Maybe I'm TOO obsessed with it, I don't know...I try not to talk about it to too many people because I feel kind of lame.

I don't know, I feel like I'm rambling. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way.

 

[mommasita]

I am so sorry for what you went through, nobody should go through that. What a survivor you are!!!

I never suffered sexual abuse, but abuse I sure did. I am not sure if I actually have PTSD, but I can say it never goes away. Have you ever sought counseling for learning coping strategies? As I child there was really none of this offered due to many things, but as an older adult it really helped me an awful lot.

You were never rambling, have no fear of that, and it isn't cheesy in the least. I love my vacations as well, for our family we love to cruise, but I don't know if I see it in the same light, maybe, I am not sure. We work an awful lot, and never seem to be home together, and this is what we love, so we do this 2-3 times per year. We are all happy, and now that the kids are going to be 17 and 20, they can't always come as they once did, so it seems to be just DH and myself, but the memories are forever there.

 

[Susan Storm]

I am so sorry for what you went through, nobody should go through that. What a survivor you are!!!

I never suffered sexual abuse, but abuse I sure did. I am not sure if I actually have PTSD, but I can say it never goes away. Have you ever sought counseling for learning coping strategies? As I child there was really none of this offered due to many things, but as an older adult it really helped me an awful lot.

You were never rambling, have no fear of that, and it isn't cheesy in the least. I love my vacations as well, for our family we love to cruise, but I don't know if I see it in the same light, maybe, I am not sure. We work an awful lot, and never seem to be home together, and this is what we love, so we do this 2-3 times per year. We are all happy, and now that the kids are going to be 17 and 20, they can't always come as they once did, so it seems to be just DH and myself, but the memories are forever there.

Thank you so much for responding! I have tried to get counseling before, and it's been kind of helpful - however I don't particularly like the idea of being on the kinds of medications they wanted to prescribe me for my PTSD. Reading books about survivors can help sometimes, or just writing about it - or planning a Disney trip

I'm sorry that you experienced abuse as a child too I'm glad that the cruises are fun for you! I've always been curious about those! I just am so hooked on Disney World itself that I can never bring myself to save up for a cruise, lol - someday I definitely want to try one!

 

[danny1649]

I've the same feeling to. Since i live about 1 hour from WDW I go often and know your post was not cheesy.

 

[Susan Storm]

I've the sane feeling to. Since i live about 1 hour from WDW I go often and know your post was not cheesy.

Thank you!! I'm glad you get to make frequent trips

 

[beautyandmouse]

Literally I could have written this post myself. You definitely are not alone in what you've experienced and PTSD and your feelings about Disney. <3
Try not to judge yourself for this. It makes total sense.. and it's okay to have big feelings like that. It gives you comfort and hope and joy. You deserve to have that and there's nothing wrong with that because it's Disney.

 

[MrsCobraBubbles]

I'd like to chime in too. Your story about your childhood is very similar to mine. I've long suspected that my obsession with Disney is related to the fact that my childhood was stolen from me. Then, usually in the same thought, I resent my abuser for still being able to affect my life 20-some years after the abuse ended.

I'm sorry you've gone through this. I know that it can be a daily struggle but stay strong!

I read in one of your replies that you're not currently in therapy. I agree with the other poster that it's important, at least for me it has been. But I think a good support system can be almost as good so if you ever feel like you want to talk through anything, feel free to PM me.

 

[PlutosUnDr8d]

I'm so sorry you went through this. Tom Robbins, in Still Life with Woodpecker, wrote, "it's never too late to have a happy childhood". I have to agree. And WDW is a great place to start. Your childhood was taken from you, at no fault of your own. You are allowed to take it back, starting now.
Also, I DO cry at Wishes, so you are certainly not alone! It's a lot of emotion to handle during that show. And going to Disney and seeing your kids experience such joy and wonder can bring up all sorts of emotions.
OP, please reconsider counseling--there are plenty of therapists who treat PTSD without encouraging or requiring medication. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Prolonged Exposure Therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) are all evidenced-based treatments for PTSD. None of them "require" any use of medication. You are not alone, and having a true therapeutic relationship with a professional who can bear witness to your story really can make a huge difference. Give yourself credit for reaching out here, and consider giving it another chance with a therapist. Just my 2 cents. Here's wishing you tons of Disney magic to help you on your journey!

 

[Paigevon]

I just want to remind you how strong and brave you are to overcome this. I am so glad you are having a chance to experience the magical joy of Disney! My childhood was very stressful, but not to the caliber of yours--both my parents were in and out of prison, grandparents had to fight for custody of me from ages 2-4, some attachment disorders and anxiety disorder stemmed from it, so I do relate to how you feel. I find myself living vicariously through my daughter. I'm careful not to push her to do anything she wouldn't want herself, and to not force my own expectations, but when she experiences joy and happiness, it truly heals my soul. We are taking her to Disney for her 5th birthday in 3 months for the first time, and my second visit ever. My first visit I was 15 and while I had fun, I was very depressed and did not engage in any of the magic of Disney at all. Planning this upcoming trip has been cathartic to me, and you're not alone. <3

 

[bianca]

OP ...... you're not lame at all! It is never too late for a happy childhood, and by looking at my signature, you can probably tell that I'm pretty serious about that! I've never been to therapy and instead just head off to my happy place at the Mouse House. My money is better spent at Disney than in a sterile therapists office. I always say that by going to WDW "I am rebuilding my childhood." With each and every trip, I feel that a little part of myself has become fixed. Frequently, in addition to my family, my brother comes with me and we always try to take a picture of ourselves with the Walt statue, as we used to imagine how wonderful it would be to have had him as a father. In addition, when I was younger, I used to wish Mary Poppins was my mother. She still holds a special place in my heart, and I have many photos of myself with her. Sometimes, we just say we are going to visit "Dad" instead of WDW. I consider myself completely normal now ..... No dark thoughts. WDW is all the therapy I need and I applaud you for considering it, too!

 

[EmmabaRose]

I could have written that first post. I don't talk about it much, but I was abused by my grandfather when I was 9. I'm not the only one in my family and its affected the way I was parented. I don't know that I have PTSD in the classic sense, but my ongoing battle with depression and anxiety certainly has a lot to do with it. Disney Parks are definitely one of my happy places, its a chance to take care of that inner child, and make happy memories that sustain me when things get tough.

Dont worry. Wishes makes me cry too. It only takes two notes for me to start blubbing. XD

You are an incredibly strong person, and I don't doubt an amazing mother to boot. It's not lame if it helps you. It's not lame if it heals. Own it.

 

[BethCPTSD]

I'm probably responding to a really old posting. But I just newly posted a couple things about my experiences having severe Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality) among several other disorders, which are firmly rooted in a child abuse history. I'm wondering how other people with a great deal of symptomatology for such disorders/pasts handle the parks over a longer vacation (I'll be there two weeks), as I haven't spent time at WDW before. I'm extremely familiar with Disneyland, but I understand the Florida parks to be a different animal. I'll be going with my husband and my service dog next winter. You can reply here, or find my other posts by clicking on my name or going to page 1 of this forum. Thank you so much. I'm really craving the feedback... whatever kinds of symptoms you may experience. Multi-sensory flashbacks, that make me not know where I am, who I with and see and hear things that are not "there" are a huge issue for me.

Thanks.
BethCPTSD

 

[arminnie]

I was not sexually or physically abused - but I grew up in crushing poverty that was quite traumatic. Not having basics like toothpaste, deodorant or decent food was traumatic - but I will admit I would prefer that to the physical and sexual abuse. I had no childhood.

But it really motivated me to be a survivor and to better myself. My obsession with Disney probably is rooted in my lack of a childhood. I went for the first time in 1980 (Magic Kingdom only then) and then wanted to go back for years and years but had no money. Now that I am comfortably retired I own 3 DVC contracts, usually have an annual pass. I love my Disney!

 

[Shanti]

I'm posting this here because I have wondered about it for a long time. I have PTSD related to childhood sexual abuse that I experienced pretty heavily from the ages of 5 to 13. I don't normally talk about it AT ALL, but for some reason I have felt like maybe there are other people who feel the same way as I do. I kind of feel like I didn't have a childhood, it was all corrupted. Then I became a mother really young and had to be grown up really quickly. I love my kids and I'm glad things are better now, but I struggle a lot with PTSD and depression and having to deal with a lot of dark thoughts and hopelessness.

I went to Disney World when I was 19 and I remember sitting on the ground in Magic Kingdom watching 'Wishes' and nearly crying - this was at a point where I was really suicidal and didn't feel like there was anything left to hope for. I hadn't even really wanted to go to Disney World. Just being there, surrounded by all that magic and hope, and being surrounded by all these things that appeal to childhood and belief in your dreams, it made me feel like there was this child inside me who just wanted to be able to alive again. Maybe this sounds super cheesy, I don't know. But ever since then I think about Disney World and plan trips whenever money allows and I can make it happen. I miss it when I'm not there. I feel like for that one week when I can go I'm totally safe from the outside world. No horrible relatives or abusers will bump into me there, and it's okay there, to want to be a kid again and to think of childhood in a happy light. And the planning of it and thinking about it casts a kind of happy glow on my mind that isn't there otherwise. Maybe I'm TOO obsessed with it, I don't know...I try not to talk about it to too many people because I feel kind of lame.

I don't know, I feel like I'm rambling. I'm just wondering if anyone else feels this way.

Yes, I feel the same way. Disney is our safe place, as much as it is our happy place.

 

[tiggergal15]

Ohh wow...you have described my feelings about Disney perfectly!...I'm soo sorry about your abusive childhood...hugs! ....it's so sad you are still suffering...but unfortunately things like you experience never totally leave you.
I know this from personal experience. I too suffer PTSD from abuse..different from yours but still traumatic.
I totally get how you feel at Disney! Every time I go I'm safe. Free from my fears and can believe in life again. I think it's special and it's not lame at all. I too am happy planning my next vacation,thinking Disney thoughts and healing.
Currently I'm turing my house into my Disney haven- redecorating to have each room be a Disney theme....it makes me happy...so do what makes you happy and know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings...more hugs!

 

[PollyannaMom]

Please don't feel bad about crying at Wishes! I do (at Wishes, and when I enter the park, and when the Magical Express pulls away from the airport...) and I had a great childhood. (Not quite enough money for Disney back then, but two happy parents, and I and was always safe.) I'm really sorry you went through what you did.

The quote "it's never too late to have a happy childhood" is so true! Disney turns everyone into a kid. Remember that commercial where the parents take the kids, but whenever they look in a mirror or something, it's their younger self with their child?

If Disney heals you, keep doing it!! (And as for therapists, I'm sure there are some out there who would respect your desire not to medicate, if you do want to talk to someone too.)

from all of here. I'm glad I found your post!

 

[comediccrow]

I have C-PTSD from emotional and financial abuse.
I made the mistake of inviting my mother to come with me to Disneyland this year in hopes it might have fixed our relationship at the time but she ended up ruining the 2 days she came with me to Disneyland. (It was a mistake.)
She actually ended up skipping the third day to watch TV and I went to California Adventure for the first time alone.

I ended up wandering into the Animation building and probably spent a good quarter of my day in there because it made me realize just how happy Disney made me. I felt safe in there.
It was my time in that building that made me realize I needed to do things that made /me/ happy and I want to go back more than anything because of how crucial that moment/place is to me escaping.

Never let anybody tell you something is cheezy if it makes you feel better.

 

[PollyannaMom]

Never let anybody tell you something is cheezy if it makes you feel better.

Love that quote!

 

[StirlingSilver83]

I am so sorry for what you had to go through! I can't even imagine living through something like that! On another note I think Disney is a magical place and I honestly believe that everyone that goes to Disney are meant to feel special. I know my son who is on the spectrum loves Disney Bc he said he feels normal and doesn't feel like everyone is judging him. I love Disney probably more than I should but the reason being is I love seeing my son light up when he rides space mountain a million times or meets his favorite character lol...if we aren't in Disney 9 times out of 10 I'm planning for Disney lol

 

[LSLS]

Honestly I can't imagine what you went through. But I'm with you on always wanting to get there and how everything bad seems to go away for a week. It does let you be a kid for a week (though many in my family would argue I haven't left my childhood behind).

Side note a bit, but don't let yourself feel lame because something makes you really happy. If you enjoy it, that is what matters.