Charitable donations vs. favors

[UnderTheMistletoe]

UPDATE:
We've decided to go ahead with the charitable donation. I do appreciate your thoughts and calling to attention some details for us. However, at the urging of our event manager, floral designer, and another event manager present but not participating fully in our planning session yesterday, we are going ahead with the donations.

They, too, feel that something should be stated as such and placed on the table... mind you, I brought up the points you did here. Please note (as I don't think some of you did), there is already a chocolate placecard for each guest. In the days leading up to the ceremony, they will be showered with gifts, favors, and tokens of appreciation.

Thank you for your thoughts and opinions. They shed light on areas we hadn't before thought of- and area our EM hadn't before been questioned about. It was a learning experience for all.



Ok-

We're stonewalled here. We had planned on getting our guests favors. For the women, we were looking into the measuring spoons that are hearts and have the cute sayings ("A dash of passion", "A heap of commitment" that type of thing). For the men, lottery tickets with a cute holder.

Now, we're really wondering if we should be putting that money to a better cause. One my his good friends died earlier in the year. There is a fund established in his name. Additionally, the Humane Society and breast cancer research are near and dear to our hearts. We're considering making donations to these funds/organization instead of the traditional favors. It's not as though our guests are leaving empty handed- they have the white chocolate place cards and welcome baskets.

How would you feel if this was done and you were a wedding guest?

TIA!
xoxo

 

[christineangel]

I doubt most guests would notice or mind the lack of traditional favors. A card or line printed in your program saying "a charitable donatation has been made in your honor to..." should suffice. If these are important charities to you, you may even consider requesting donations in lieu of wedding gifts.

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

You're never, ever supposed to ask for anything regarding wedding gifts... in any way shape or form. Personally, registries are great when I'm a guest attending, but I felt very funny registering for our own wedding. It's a personal and etiquette issue there.

We were thinking about putting a framed notes to the effect that we've chosen to forgo traditional favors and instead a donation has been made to the following organizations.

 

[cryssi]

My friend did the charitable donation cards at her wedding in honor of her husband's cousin. It was very nice, there was a silver ribbon on it for us to wear throughout the night.

BTW, you have welcome baskets and white chocolate placecards? That's definitely enough! We had candy favors and DVD's, but if the DVD's didn't get finished, we would have just given out the candy...

 

[christineangel]

No you are not supposed to ask for wedding gifts, but the fact is people buy them for you anyway and where you are registered is usually included with shower invites (not sent by you of course). BUt people will ask you and your close relatives about registry info before they go shopping for your gifts. It is just as easy to say "thanks for thinking of us, but we like to contribute to this charity" as it is to say "Macy's."

Thanks for clearing that up- registry info on wedding invites and other such faux pas is a personal pet peeve of mine that makes me not even want to attend the wedding...very bad manners

 

[hmgolden]

Personally, I think traditional favors are generally a waste of money. Its rare that I keep them - the last thing I need is another piece of useless stuff around the house. I love the idea of a charitable donation with a note to each of your guests explaining what charity you gave to, and why its near and dear to your heart.

 

[tlbwriter]

Personally, I think traditional favors are generally a waste of money. Its rare that I keep them - the last thing I need is another piece of useless stuff around the house.

I agree - unless it's consumable, I don't want it. But strictly speaking, announcing to guests that you've contributed to your favorite charity instead of giving favors is an etiquette faux pas, because favors are technically a gift to your guests, and therefore the gift should be to their favorite charity, not yours. And it's also kind of, I don't know, "look how cool we are," kwim? I wouldn't do it. If you want to give to a charity, give without the fanfare (and that way you can also give the money you would have spent on the framed notes). The white chocolate place cards sound like enough of a favor to me.

 

[Luvndisney]

I say go for the donation. In my opinion favors are a waste of money. I never keep them and throw them out even from relatives. We are doing a special favor for our guests that is consummable and meaningful, not candy or candles for us. Charities are a nice way to show support. I personally wouldn't be offended to get a card at a table that said " in place of favor we made a contribution to:....." short sweet and simple. I do not think it's rude at all

 

[DisneyDotty]

I agree - unless it's consumable, I don't want it. But strictly speaking, announcing to guests that you've contributed to your favorite charity instead of giving favors is an etiquette faux pas, because favors are technically a gift to your guests, and therefore the gift should be to their favorite charity, not yours. And it's also kind of, I don't know, "look how cool we are," kwim? I wouldn't do it. If you want to give to a charity, give without the fanfare (and that way you can also give the money you would have spent on the framed notes). The white chocolate place cards sound like enough of a favor to me.

I agree. But I love your idea of donating to a charity in lieu of more favors. How kind and generous of you! I wish I had thought of that 16 years ago! However, back then it was okay just to offer the nut cups/mints as favors...

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

I agree - unless it's consumable, I don't want it. But strictly speaking, announcing to guests that you've contributed to your favorite charity instead of giving favors is an etiquette faux pas, because favors are technically a gift to your guests, and therefore the gift should be to their favorite charity, not yours. And it's also kind of, I don't know, "look how cool we are," kwim? I wouldn't do it. If you want to give to a charity, give without the fanfare (and that way you can also give the money you would have spent on the framed notes). The white chocolate place cards sound like enough of a favor to me.

While I agree, I also disagree. I agree that the favors are a gift to the guest. But, there often tends to be a sense of expectation. I would rather address that than have guests walking away feeling as though we forgot or we are not appreciative of their travels and company.

If you knew us, you knew that there's no issue of, "Look how cool we are." We've each lost some of our closest childhood friends this year to various forms of cancer. For me, she was still a kid... 19 years old. Everyone in our family that has died has died of cancer, as well. The frames will be from the Dollar Store- we're talking $9.00 total.

Thank you for adressing the issue.

 

[LoveWDW]

I agree - unless it's consumable, I don't want it. But strictly speaking, announcing to guests that you've contributed to your favorite charity instead of giving favors is an etiquette faux pas, because favors are technically a gift to your guests, and therefore the gift should be to their favorite charity, not yours. And it's also kind of, I don't know, "look how cool we are," kwim? I wouldn't do it. If you want to give to a charity, give without the fanfare (and that way you can also give the money you would have spent on the framed notes). The white chocolate place cards sound like enough of a favor to me.

This echoes my thoughts.

 

[tlbwriter]

While I agree, I also disagree. I agree that the favors are a gift to the guest. But, there often tends to be a sense of expectation. I would rather address that than have guests walking away feeling as though we forgot or we are not appreciative of their travels and company.

And I'm afraid that's exactly what you would be doing. The way to tell someone you appreciate them is not to say "I would have bought you a little gift, but I donated that money to my favorite charity instead." If the favor really adds to your guests' appreciation and enjoyment of the day, why not cut somewhere where it won't affect them? Spend less flowers, or your toasting glasses, or personalized napkins, or centerpieces, and then you won't have to explain to them why you decided not to spend that money on them.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm making a big deal of this. I really don't mean to. I would never have said anything at all except that you specifically asked how we would feel. In my part of the country, wedding favors are not a tradition. No guest expects them (except perhaps in ritzier social circles than mine?), so that aspect is foreign to me. But if I did truly expect a favor, as a token of appreciation for my time and travel, I think I'd feel slighted that the only corner you announce you're cutting is one that was supposed to be a gift to me. The only thing I can compare it to is wedding cake - I expect it and look forward to it, and it would be like having wedding cake for the wedding party only, and announcing to the guests that you had donated the money for their cake to your favorite charity.

 

[Chrissie-riel]

I am gonna agree with some of the other responses here. I have always felt a little weird when I see "we donated on your behalf." I'll donate to my own charities, thanks. If you want to give to charity, please do. But, I don't think it needs to be advertised to your guests. It seems like "Ooh, look what we did, aren't we the caring ones?" Chocolate is my favorite treat in the world and would be a welcome favor! And, if you have kids attending they certainly don't understand the charitable donation idea; you'd probably have to get a more traditional favor for them anyway. Just my 2cents...

 

[FutureAshleyDukes]

I would rather have money donated to a good cause then have candy or some other trinket I'll forget about in a few weeks. If anyone passes judgement on you for that, then so be it, you're still doing a good thing and maybe the note stating what you did will inspire and encourage others to make a difference.

 

[Ember]

Interesting thoughts. I was interested to read this because I had been considering doing charitable donations over traditional favors. But then I thought about and I think I would feel funny taking away the little thank you gift to my guests and giving it to charity while accepting gifts myself. It just seems off, somehow.

I think I'll contribute to my favourite charited on my own, without the need to advertise that I'm doing so, and go with an eatible favor of some kind or maybe a Christmas ornament. Most people would keep those and use them for their tree, I think. It's not a trinket "dust collecter", I hope! (LOL)

 

[LoveWDW]

And I'm afraid that's exactly what you would be doing. The way to tell someone you appreciate them is not to say "I would have bought you a little gift, but I donated that money to my favorite charity instead." If the favor really adds to your guests' appreciation and enjoyment of the day, why not cut somewhere where it won't affect them? Spend less flowers, or your toasting glasses, or personalized napkins, or centerpieces, and then you won't have to explain to them why you decided not to spend that money on them.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm making a big deal of this. I really don't mean to. I would never have said anything at all except that you specifically asked how we would feel. In my part of the country, wedding favors are not a tradition. No guest expects them (except perhaps in ritzier social circles than mine?), so that aspect is foreign to me. But if I did truly expect a favor, as a token of appreciation for my time and travel, I think I'd feel slighted that the only corner you announce you're cutting is one that was supposed to be a gift to me. The only thing I can compare it to is wedding cake - I expect it and look forward to it, and it would be like having wedding cake for the wedding party only, and announcing to the guests that you had donated the money for their cake to your favorite charity.

This reminds me of a similar experience that made me wonder a bit- the cutting of costs only for the guests, that is. The wedding party had champagne, the guests had soda. This just didn't seem right. True, the wedding party was celebrating something special, but so were the guests.

 

[UnderTheMistletoe]

I am gonna agree with some of the other responses here. I have always felt a little weird when I see "we donated on your behalf." I'll donate to my own charities, thanks. If you want to give to charity, please do. But, I don't think it needs to be advertised to your guests. It seems like "Ooh, look what we did, aren't we the caring ones?" Chocolate is my favorite treat in the world and would be a welcome favor! And, if you have kids attending they certainly don't understand the charitable donation idea; you'd probably have to get a more traditional favor for them anyway. Just my 2cents...

We've already ordered a chocolate placecard for each guest... this detail seems to have been missed. Additionally, there are any number of other things being given that people will have to pack away already in the days leading up to the ceremony.

The kids have an enormous basket full of toys that they'll be taking home at the end of the night. They're making out like bandits!

 

[tlbwriter]

We've already ordered a chocolate placecard for each guest... this detail seems to have been missed. Additionally, there are any number of other things being given that people will have to pack away already in the days leading up to the ceremony.

Well, okay, now you're saying two different things. First you said the chocolate placecard wasn't enough of a favor, so if you donated the money you would have spent on more favors, you wanted to let your guests know what you were doing so they wouldn't think you'd forgotten them or were cheapskates. And now you're saying that everyone has forgotten that you're giving a really nice chocolate placecard and tons of other goodies. So, which is the case? Either your existing favor (the placecard) and other goodies are nice and sufficient, or they aren't. Again, I think the chocolate placecard is plenty. I don't have an issue with what you are giving your guests. It sounds like a nice favor to me. The only issue I have is that (a) you think they deserve/expect more than that, and (b) instead of giving them what you think they deserve/expect, you want to donate to your favorite charity instead. If (a) is true, then (b) is not a good idea IMHO. That's all I'm saying. If you want your charity donation to be a gift to someone else, it needs to be to the charity of the recipient's choice, not the charity of your choice.

 

[twojo21]

we're also doing a charitable donation along with our favors, were making a donation to the autism society which will be noted on our menus at the reception, along with our flower seed packet favors at the prereception. we want to spread the word (cure autism now).

were also giving our guests a number of gifts in their welcome bags at arrival so we think our compromise between gifts for our guests & a donation in honor of our wedding & guests is fine.

 

[tlbwriter]

This reminds me of a similar experience that made me wonder a bit- the cutting of costs only for the guests, that is. The wedding party had champagne, the guests had soda. This just didn't seem right. True, the wedding party was celebrating something special, but so were the guests.

Yeah, that aspect bothers me. I'm all in favor of spending less on a lavish wedding so you can make a nice donation. That's a great idea. But it seems the only budget you're cutting is the one for the guests. If you really want to make a generous donation, don't just take money you had budgeted to give to person A and give it to charity B. Take some of the money you were going to spend on a dress, or your honeymoon - something that affects you, the giver. What you're planning right now isn't particularly charitable, since you were going to give that money away anyway. If I tell all my friends and family that I'm not buying them birthday gifts next year because I'm going to give that money to my favorite charity instead, they're not going to feel like I did something special for them. It would be something special I did for myself.