Challenges surrounding boyfriend taking on a step parent role

[chekhovgirl]

I'm posting this here because I am having a hard time finding a forum for single parents that is fairly active. Does anybody know of one?

My husband and I have been separated for about a year and a half. Within that timeframe, I started dating someone who I had known prior to the separation and who my kids had met. At the beginning of the summer, the kids and I moved out of the place we had been living in for a year. Immediately afterward, the kids spent much of the summer away with my parents and also abroad with me and my extended family. When they came back, I think the reality of us really being separate from their father (he had lived with us for a few months in the old place before separation) hit them and we had a very hard time. They were in a new school, my youngest would cry and ask why daddy can't live with us. He had problems going in to school in the morning, and the school thought the separation had just happened, when it had been a year.

This fall was the hardest period of my life. It was very hard for the children, and my boyfriend and I decided that the kids needed some space from him so we could just focus on the three of us, so we had been spending less time together overall, but had no problems between the two of us, and now the kids and I are in a much better place.

My boyfriend was immediately involved with the kids, because he already knew them, and took it on like a champ. He was patient, loved reading them bedtime stories, eventually would them that he loved them, and meant it. My six year old told him that he was one of his best friends. My oldest was a little reluctant, but he often showed affection for him. We talked about moving in together once the divorce went through. He talked about specific things he was looking forward to once that happened.

Now, once we have things back together, he came to me and said that he can't do this anymore, doesn't know if he wants a life with kids. This is new territory for me, a relationship ending not because of the dynamic between me and the other person, but because of a dynamic with my kids. My 6 year old can be super sweet and funny, but he can also have all out fits, which he had a horrible one with my boyfriend where he was outright hitting both of us at a town fair on an outing with some of my boyfriend's friends. This was right after the kids came back from being away for the summer and were settling in to our new house and life.

It's disheartening that this is happening just as things are getting better with the kids. I feel really let down because of the future we had planned out together. I did not plan on dating someone so soon, but it just happened. And we were so happy, even with the kids. Since he first told me how he feels about the situation right now, we talked and decided that we will just take a break from our relationship so I can really focus on my son's behavior (he just started meeting with the therapist in school in November and we'll be starting family therapy next week) and finalizing the divorce, and so he can have some time for himself without the pressure that he has been dealing with from our adjustments as a family, then we will ease back in to things and see how it goes. But I am afraid that he will feel the same way and I will be let down.

If you've gotten through all of this, thank you for reading. I would love any advice about being on the brink of creating a new family situation and how to ease into it in the best way for all parties involved.

 

[4Mickeys]

I am sorry you are having a hard time.

It is hard to accept a future that we thought we had is not going to happen and it would seem that you have had to cope with that twice over recently with firstly the end of your marriage and now this happening with your boyfriend.

I have been on my own since things didn't work out in my relationship - for a number of reasons I made a definite choice to not pursue a relationship and to focus on my kids. Without going into detail I was in a situation that when the relationship ended pretty much so has the relationship between that person and the kids. I felt that they had been through enough and didn't want to risk their getting too attached to someone to only have them leave as well. Especially my youngest he was quite vulnerable and I felt that he would easily attach and then be hurt all over again.

It seems like the reality of a ready made family has been a bit too much for your boyfriend - sad for you but I suppose it would be overwhelming dealing with kids behaviours when they aren't your own and working out how you fit and deal with it all.

My advice is to focus on your kids and yourself for now you all need some healing time and that varies for everyone. People say kids are resilient in these situations but I think that can at times diminish the reality of the feelings these little ones are going through and sensing feelings in their parents as well.

At times I do feel lonely doing this on my own but when I look at how well balanced and fantastic my kids are turning out I know that I have made the right choice.

Hopefully someone with an experience more similar to yours will come along with some words of wisdom.

Good luck to you and your family.

 

[CaoilinnsMom]

I think you may find that you have learned a few things from this experience. Your children are still struggling with the divorce. A year is not that long in when you consider all the upheaval that has occurred. A lot of people do, but you seemed to move into a serious relationship pretty quickly. It is hard to focus on children' s needs when you are thinking about the dynamics of a new relationship. You are happily moving forward and the kids may not view it the same way. Many relationships don't work out, it is the nature of dating and trying on different people. It is really hard on the kids to adjust to having a new adult and then the person disappears. Small children have a hard time understanding that it is not about them. What ends up happening is a cycle of loss similar to the original divorce. I am not going to give you advice, but these are just some thoughts to consider. As parents we have already committed to our children and we need to keep that in mind as we try to move forward with our lives. Best of luck.

 

[chekhovgirl]

Thank you. It get more complicated: we work together in a small office. I would just move on if he hadn't been so extremely committed before and if he wasn't turned off from the idea during literally the worst months of my life. There will be challenges ahead for sure, but these past few months have been so extreme, the kids have made a ton of progress and they have moved on from their temporary behaviors that we were dealing with just their normal misbehaving We'll see what happens in the coming months. If we ease back into things, trying to figure out the best way to go about that.

 

[catmom46]

I think the fact that he's unsure now about wanting to deal with kids is pretty telling, even if he was involved with them previously. I wouldn't put too much faith in that he ever will. I say move on.