Caring for Parents Question

[TRICKY_TINK]

Ok so I was reading the inheritance thread and it got me thinking. It seems a lot of people get money when their parents die. That's nice glad your family had the ability to do that for you....Now for the opposite side. How do you handle the needs of your parents. I ask because my Mom recently put me in the position where I had to be firm and refuse to care for her. Here is my issue.

She quit her job at 50 (last month). She maxed all her cards out and isn't paying her mortgage anymore. She has 0 pay but gets 1000.00 a month in oil royalties but now she wants to come live with me. I told her no way! I have small kids 4,8 and we are a single income house as is. We decided I would raise our kids and take care of our home. I will start working in about 2 years but I don't expect much from it. I'll be using a 10 year old degree at that point and have never worked before to boot. She would have to stay in the living room. However she wants us to buy a bigger house or build on an in-law suite. We are only 20 years apart and she should be working till the day she dies as far as I'm concerned since she decided to be money dumb. She feels I'm an ungrateful daughter and should welcome her into my home and pay her gas, food, living, medical and whatever else she needs. Oh and to top it off our 1 income where it covers all our needs it doesn't allow for more than a few grand a year in savings and every house repair, vacation and car issue eat away at that yearly. any advise for this? She is holding the oil royalties over me. They are from land our family has owned in SD/ND since 1800's. I told her to do what she wants with it. How would you deal with her if it were your Mom?

 

[1Mouse2RulethemAll]

Tell her to get a job and stick to your guns.


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[angierae]

Honestly, if my mother was only 50 years old and had quit her job for no good reason, I would tell her she better find some way to live off that $1000/month, or get another job. It's one thing to care for a parent who is no longer able to work/take care of themselves, but you are not the local charity so that she can just decide to stop working.

Tough love, to be sure, but I have a sister about that age (she's 15 years older than me) and I can't imagine her just deciding her daughter needed to support her. Or her daughter going along with it!

 

[purpledisneyprncess]

I'm in the opposite position. I told my 61 year old mom that she's more than welcome to live with us, but she wants her independence. She received a home, paid off from my grandparents and she rents out the other apt from that home. Your situation is different, where it seems that by her moving in, she expects you to pay her way? Would she give you the $1k income she receives? Even still, you shouldn't feel bad for not wanting her to live with your family. Maybe she can get an apartment near you. And at 50 if she doesn't have retirement money and she's too young for social security she should work at least pt.

 

[worm761]

Honestly, if my mother was only 50 years old and had quit her job for no good reason, I would tell her she better find some way to live off that $1000/month, or get another job. It's one thing to care for a parent who is no longer able to work/take care of themselves, but you are not the local charity so that she can just decide to stop working.

This. As an adult we live with the consequences of our decisions. I am the "caretaker" for my father. I put it in quotes because he doesn't need a lot of care so to speak. He lives with me. I cook/clean for him. He is still pretty functional but not enough to work anymore. He helps out when he can. Him buying my milk really helps my grocery budget! But he doesn't pay us for bills or anything. If he had just quit working to quit working, this arrangement would not work for me. He has MS and it is starting to decline. A perfectly healthy adult needs to work unless they are supported some other way like a spouse.

 

[ilovemk76]

Ok so I was reading the inheritance thread and it got me thinking. It seems a lot of people get money when their parents die. That's nice glad your family had the ability to do that for you....Now for the opposite side. How do you handle the needs of your parents. I ask because my Mom recently put me in the position where I had to be firm and refuse to care for her. Here is my issue.

She quit her job at 50 (last month). She maxed all her cards out and isn't paying her mortgage anymore. She has 0 pay but gets 1000.00 a month in oil royalties but now she wants to come live with me. I told her no way! I have small kids 4,8 and we are a single income house as is. We decided I would raise our kids and take care of our home. I will start working in about 2 years but I don't expect much from it. I'll be using a 10 year old degree at that point and have never worked before to boot. She would have to stay in the living room. However she wants us to buy a bigger house or build on an in-law suite. We are only 20 years apart and she should be working till the day she dies as far as I'm concerned since she decided to be money dumb. She feels I'm an ungrateful daughter and should welcome her into my home and pay her gas, food, living, medical and whatever else she needs. Oh and to top it off our 1 income where it covers all our needs it doesn't allow for more than a few grand a year in savings and every house repair, vacation and car issue eat away at that yearly. any advise for this? She is holding the oil royalties over me. They are from land our family has owned in SD/ND since 1800's. I told her to do what she wants with it. How would you deal with her if it were your Mom?

I would tell her to find a place to live that costs about $300/month and ten get a job.

I am older than your mother and I work. Many 50+ women do!

 

[Gr8t Fan]

I agree with the previous posters. She needs to get a job to support herself and pay her bills. I think it would be toxic for you and your family if she moved into your home.

 

[Darcy03231]

Tell her to get a job and stick to your guns.

If your mom quit her job for no reason, there is no reason why she can't get another one to support herself.

 

[DizMe]

Nothing good could come of that situation. You would be facing 30+ years of your mom taking advantage of you. You owe it to your own family to avoid your mother's attempts to guilt you into taking over her responsibilities. It would be a very bad model for your kids and would take time, energy, and money away from what you truly need to focus on.

 

[Pesky]

That would be a long time of holding the oil royalties over your head. She made a dumb decision in quitting her job at 50. I'd advise her to go get another, keep it until she is 68 or so, save all her money and THEN retire. The last thing you want is her as a dependent with her debt following her.

 

[Pigeon]

She's 50 years old and expects you to support her for the next 35 or so years?

Um, no. Sorry mom, but you'll need to get a job and work for another 17 years or so, which will give you some time to figure out a retirement plan that isn't my house.

I'm 53 and while I'd live to retire now, I know I'll be working until I'm almost 70.

 

[1Mouse2RulethemAll]

She's not going to have those royalties for long if she quit paying her mortgage. The bank will try to get that money.


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[Styx Fan]

NO.....NO WAY. It's that simple.

I turn 50 this week. Maybe I should try this number on my kids. Of course at 16 and 9 their ability to help would be pretty limited

Truly, I can't even imagine what she is thinking. I would love to hear more about this situation, like what DM was doing before she quit, what has financial aptitude been up until now, what has been your relationship. Really wondering if she has flipped her lid over turning 50 (no biggie to me, but then having my kids makes me feel more like 35).

Do you have any siblings? Is she trying this trash on them?

I very much believe in family helping each other, and would always look after those unable to help themselves, but this is nuts.

 

[Colleen27]

I can't even imagine. When DH hits 50 our youngest will only be 12... He certainly won't be entertaining thoughts of retirement! We're shooting for 62 and that's probably overly optimistic.

Stick to your guns and make it very clear that she needs to figure out her own living arrangements. 30+ years is far too long for an able-bodied parent to expect an adult child's help/support.

I do worry about how we'll deal with it if our parents need financial support from us somewhere down the road. We're a single income family of modest means, and our parents will just be getting to an age where they're more likely to need help around the same time we'll be worrying about college tuition. We'll do whatever we can but only because we know they've done the best they can and wouldn't take advantage of us.

 

[Marionnette]

Ok so I was reading the inheritance thread and it got me thinking. It seems a lot of people get money when their parents die. That's nice glad your family had the ability to do that for you....Now for the opposite side. How do you handle the needs of your parents. I ask because my Mom recently put me in the position where I had to be firm and refuse to care for her. Here is my issue.

She quit her job at 50 (last month). She maxed all her cards out and isn't paying her mortgage anymore. She has 0 pay but gets 1000.00 a month in oil royalties but now she wants to come live with me. I told her no way! I have small kids 4,8 and we are a single income house as is. We decided I would raise our kids and take care of our home. I will start working in about 2 years but I don't expect much from it. I'll be using a 10 year old degree at that point and have never worked before to boot. She would have to stay in the living room. However she wants us to buy a bigger house or build on an in-law suite. We are only 20 years apart and she should be working till the day she dies as far as I'm concerned since she decided to be money dumb. She feels I'm an ungrateful daughter and should welcome her into my home and pay her gas, food, living, medical and whatever else she needs. Oh and to top it off our 1 income where it covers all our needs it doesn't allow for more than a few grand a year in savings and every house repair, vacation and car issue eat away at that yearly. any advise for this? She is holding the oil royalties over me. They are from land our family has owned in SD/ND since 1800's. I told her to do what she wants with it. How would you deal with her if it were your Mom?

There's a big difference between caring for an elderly parent who is too disabled to live independently. Putting a roof over the head of a parent who is healthy enough and young enough to provide for herself is a whole 'nuther story. Especially when that parent expects you to either move or expand your current home so that she can live comfortably.

I agree with the others, allowing your mother to guilt you into taking her in would be a bad decision. Tell her that you will help her to shop for an apartment and you'll be on hand to pack up for the move.

 

[Happy 2 B Me]

I am a 61 year old grandma that also is getting oil royalities from oil and mineral rights from federal lands that family has the rights to from the 1902 law that replaced the laws of 1800's. Most of the mineral and oil rights in SD ND and WY are part of those. Most land owners kept mineral and oils right when they sold. I am wondering if she owns the land or just part of the rights.

Now on to the deal breaker-- SHE QUIT HER JOB, IS NOT MAKING HOUSE PAYMENTS, AND HAS MAXED CC'S. No way would let her move in or even bring a suit case into your home. If she comes and stays for any length of time she might be considered a resident of home and thus you would need to evict her.

You really would not be doing her any favors by letting her live at your home. She would only be taking from your household. No matter how great the relationship with your husband is -- well If I were your husband and an able bodied adult moved in to my home and I were the only bread winner ( bread as in money-- moms work so very hard) I would have sore feelings. It would be different if she were sick with a life threatening illness. Seems she is only homeless with mega bills. At some point her 1k per month is going to go to her creditors. Generally inheritance is no save from that but as it is not a trust acct -- different laws maybe.

Don't feel bad -- she is the one that needs to rethink her plans. She ought to be able to find a job near you if she wishes and move to her own place. Again do not let her move in depending on her finding work and moving it might never happen.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[aclov]

What does your DH say? It sounds like your mom is high maintenance and feels she is entitled. Did she offer anything, either the 1k she is getting or helping with the kids? Her moving in sounds like it will be a strain on your family life, as others have said she's not sick or disabled.

 

[CyndiLooWho]

It sounds like your relationship with your mom is rocky already, and something like this would set many, many people down that road fast. You can actually use that to your advantage - "Mom, this situation would only make us both very unhappy, very fast. We don't have the money to build or move, and our budget barely covers our own expenses. I don't want our relationship to (deteriorate further - start to deteriorate - negatively impact my kids - pick your own answer). So, no."

Offer her other ways you can be there - help moving, help selling her own home, help finding a new job, whatever you are comfortable with. But you need to set the boundary and stick with it, or you will all be very unhappy.

I actually assume that we will be hosting one or both of my ILs and probably my BIL, who just turned 51, when they are too old to care for/support themselves. But I'm coming from the perspective of dh's parents being in their 70s already. I'd be really put out if BIL ended up here this year!

 

[usd2bmd]

What would I do? Exactly what you are if I was in this situation.

If she can work and isn't there is no way I would be taking her in, especially if she has decided to stop paying her bills.

Good luck.

 

[LuLuO]

Ok so I was reading the inheritance thread and it got me thinking. It seems a lot of people get money when their parents die. That's nice glad your family had the ability to do that for you....Now for the opposite side. How do you handle the needs of your parents. I ask because my Mom recently put me in the position where I had to be firm and refuse to care for her. Here is my issue.

She quit her job at 50 (last month). She maxed all her cards out and isn't paying her mortgage anymore. She has 0 pay but gets 1000.00 a month in oil royalties but now she wants to come live with me. I told her no way! I have small kids 4,8 and we are a single income house as is. We decided I would raise our kids and take care of our home. I will start working in about 2 years but I don't expect much from it. I'll be using a 10 year old degree at that point and have never worked before to boot. She would have to stay in the living room. However she wants us to buy a bigger house or build on an in-law suite. We are only 20 years apart and she should be working till the day she dies as far as I'm concerned since she decided to be money dumb. She feels I'm an ungrateful daughter and should welcome her into my home and pay her gas, food, living, medical and whatever else she needs. Oh and to top it off our 1 income where it covers all our needs it doesn't allow for more than a few grand a year in savings and every house repair, vacation and car issue eat away at that yearly. any advise for this? She is holding the oil royalties over me. They are from land our family has owned in SD/ND since 1800's. I told her to do what she wants with it. How would you deal with her if it were your Mom?

Your mom is only seven years older than my husband. I'd tell her to suck it up and get a job. . My mom is 67 and retired at 66. She has her ducks in a row, lives frugally and is able to be retired. She does not expect her children to take care of her in any way but if she couldn't take care of herself due to illness or frailty we would even though she would protest. Your mom needs a wake-up call and do not let her move into your house. That's asking for a whole mess of trouble given how irresponsible she is acting.