Can I vent about DH - he just doesn't get it!

[aprilfoolwed]

I am so frustrated with my DH tonight.

He has a convention in Orlando in June. when he had the same convention 2 years ago, we piggybacked on his trip and spent the week in Disney. We stayed off-site, split the house cost with my parents, bought the cheapest Disney tickets I could find (through Conventionears), ate 2 meals at the house etc - and had a fantastic vacation. Because he was traveling for work, a good portion of his mileage, food, lodging were covered by his employer - so it's like we got a vacation rebate when we got home. It's certainly the most budget way to vacation that I know of!

we spent one day at MK this past summer via the Give A Day program. Again - fantastic day. Kids were so happy to go back to WDW - DD said she felt like she was going home.

Back to next June... we have said several times that it really makes sense to go to Orlando when he has his convention, because we end up having half our mileage and lodging paid for by his work. SO I spent some time calculating ticket prices for not just WDW, but also Universal and Sea World. I haven't been to either of those parks for years, and DH & kids never have. I made a nice little chart and show it to DH - and he freaks out on me.

We have a tiny bit of credit card debt right now - which we have been making good progress on paying off - and I have told DH several times that I will NOT plan a vacation unless said debt is paid off AND we have cash to cover a vacation. That's been made clear. So these ticket prices come with the assumption that we'd have cash to pay for them and no debt.

He was still so mad. He starts telling me that we should be skipping vacations and socking away the money for a new house (which, I must add, I have wanted for some time, but every time we talk about houses he tells me to be happy where we are and that a new house isn't an option for quite some time).

He proceeds to tell me we are spoiling our kids rotten, and that no one needs to go to WDW every year (I 100% disagree with that statement, but I never said we're going to WDW this year - we've actually talked more about Sea World). I tell him that there is no way that we can afford to move - vacation or no vacation - for at least 7-10 more years, and in that time I want to provide the kids with some great memories of family vacations. He starts going on about how HIS family never saw the need to take vacations all the time, so there is no reason we need to.

We certainly don't NEED to, but our kids are young for such a short amount of time and I like to create these family memories together.

I am so frustrated right now! Two weeks ago, we were looking at townhomes in Windsor Palms and saying how nice it would be to go back there. Now all of the sudden it's a problem.

I told him that I put together these ticket prices because I didn't know what the other parks cost, and I was curious. Never did I say WDW was better, or that is what we should do. He stormed away saying "I know exactly what you mean by that" HUH????

I am ready to tell him that I'll take the kids and go myself at this point!

 

[usnuzuloose]

Well I do feel your frustration, maybe what he feels is, is that since you were putting together ticket prices he see it as you are going to do it. I would sit down and talk about it together and ask him what is really bothering him. Sometimes it just comes down to the communication. At least you have got to take those vacations. My ex husband never let us take a vacation to that extreme. The only decent vacation we ever took was to the grand canyon, and I dont even really want to say how that went. My kids have never even been to WDW. So if you can take any vacations that are memorable be greatful. And by the way My new marriage we cant even afford to take big vacations, we take something here and there for one day. I am sorry your going through this, but I am sure you will work it out. Jo

 

[Marionnette]

I am so frustrated with my DH tonight.

He has a convention in Orlando in June. when he had the same convention 2 years ago, we piggybacked on his trip and spent the week in Disney. We stayed off-site, split the house cost with my parents, bought the cheapest Disney tickets I could find (through Conventionears), ate 2 meals at the house etc - and had a fantastic vacation. Because he was traveling for work, a good portion of his mileage, food, lodging were covered by his employer - so it's like we got a vacation rebate when we got home. It's certainly the most budget way to vacation that I know of!

we spent one day at MK this past summer via the Give A Day program. Again - fantastic day. Kids were so happy to go back to WDW - DD said she felt like she was going home.

Back to next June... we have said several times that it really makes sense to go to Orlando when he has his convention, because we end up having half our mileage and lodging paid for by his work. SO I spent some time calculating ticket prices for not just WDW, but also Universal and Sea World. I haven't been to either of those parks for years, and DH & kids never have. I made a nice little chart and show it to DH - and he freaks out on me.

We have a tiny bit of credit card debt right now - which we have been making good progress on paying off - and I have told DH several times that I will NOT plan a vacation unless said debt is paid off AND we have cash to cover a vacation. That's been made clear. So these ticket prices come with the assumption that we'd have cash to pay for them and no debt.

He was still so mad. He starts telling me that we should be skipping vacations and socking away the money for a new house (which, I must add, I have wanted for some time, but every time we talk about houses he tells me to be happy where we are and that a new house isn't an option for quite some time).

He proceeds to tell me we are spoiling our kids rotten, and that no one needs to go to WDW every year (I 100% disagree with that statement, but I never said we're going to WDW this year - we've actually talked more about Sea World). I tell him that there is no way that we can afford to move - vacation or no vacation - for at least 7-10 more years, and in that time I want to provide the kids with some great memories of family vacations. He starts going on about how HIS family never saw the need to take vacations all the time, so there is no reason we need to.

We certainly don't NEED to, but our kids are young for such a short amount of time and I like to create these family memories together.

I am so frustrated right now! Two weeks ago, we were looking at townhomes in Windsor Palms and saying how nice it would be to go back there. Now all of the sudden it's a problem.

I told him that I put together these ticket prices because I didn't know what the other parks cost, and I was curious. Never did I say WDW was better, or that is what we should do. He stormed away saying "I know exactly what you mean by that" HUH????

I am ready to tell him that I'll take the kids and go myself at this point!

Wait! Your actually considering taking the kids without your husband? Sure sounds to me like you werent just running the numbers for fun. It sounds like your planning a trip whether your husband is on board with the idea or not. Im getting the impression that your husband is focusing on paying down the debt and planning to move to a bigger home. Ill bet that he sees this as providing your kids with great family memories too. Buying a new house isnt like buying a new washing machine. It takes alot more saving and planning to make it happen. Perhaps thats why he wants to skip the big vacations for now. You can always make great childhood memories for your kids without an annual pilgrimage to see mickey. His anger might be over the top but I can see where he is coming from.

 

[EMom]

OY! I don't know what to tell you. I will say we do not take trips that we can't pay for. Yes, we charge them, but we can pay the CC bill off when it arrives. I won't go in debt for a vacation and neither will DH. But you say you've made that deal with your DH, so it's not as if you plan to go deep in debt on this. In fact, piggybacking on his trip to save on expenses makes economic sense. Now that I've got my "no debt" speech out of the way......

My family rarely took "real" vacations. We just didn't have the money. We went to visit relatives, and not that often. But I still remember those trips. Good thing, because my father literally dropped dead when I was in high school. He was talking and then he dropped dead. DH's father had a major heart attack while DH was in elementary school and lived on borrowed time after that. When I was in 5th grade, my best friend's father died in an accident at work. It changed her life forever, and not for the better. Ruined it.

I can tell you that I wish I had more fun memories of going places with my father. I'm sure my old best friend would say the same of her father. One of my fondest memories was of my parents taking me and a friend to Six Flags just a couple of years before he died. That was NOT their usual thing....They did it for me. I have made up my mind (because of harsh experience) that life can be too short. Even if we don't die unexpectedly, our children are young for just so many years. I want to enjoy good vacation times with our DD while she still wants to go places with us. Who knows how much longer she'll even want to go to WDW? I'm going to enjoy this while I can. I can save money later. I can't get these years back.

My MIL drove us nuts to go to WDW from the time DD was a baby. Finally, when she was 5, we went with MIL. I knew it would not be the best time ever, as MIL could be a royal pain in the rear. And she was. But I did it because she was getting older and I wanted her to have THAT trip with DD, seeing her only grandchild meeting the characters, etc. And I wanted DD to be able to remember her grandmother being with her at WDW. So I decided to grin and bear it for the greater good and I'm glad I did. Four years later, MIL was dead. I did the right thing. Again, life is short.

That's my 2 cents. Good luck.

 

[Pineapple Whip]

1. A person could get fired for doing that little expense trick you mentioned.
2. A person could get fired for bringing the family along on a business trip.
3. A person could get fired just because these days.
4. Yesterday might have been all fine and dandy, but today the company might have made it sound like someone's getting fired.

It sounds to me like your DH might be facing some financial fears or realizations that you might want to discuss with him. The reactions sound like you triggered a stress point. Take some time to think about it from both sides then ask him to sit down and talk about it calmly.

You can give your kids great local vacations without spending a lot of money or going to WDW. The memories are what you make of them, not where you make them.

Trust me, spend time with your kids, save the money, ensure your future and theirs. They will appreciate that way more as they grow older.

 

[EMom]

1. A person could get fired for doing that little expense trick you mentioned.
2. A person could get fired for bringing the family along on a business trip.
3. A person could get fired just because these days.
4. Yesterday might have been all fine and dandy, but today the company might have made it sound like someone's getting fired.

This will vary from one company to another. I assumed that since they'd done it 2 years ago, it was approved. Maybe not. I'd never do anything iffy that could get DH fired.

DH's company will only spring for economy tickets these days, but when they used to pay for business class flights, their written policy said employees could exchange the business class ticket for 2 economy tickets so they could take the spouse along. As far as a hotel room is concerned, they don't care if the family is in there too, since they have to pay for the employee to stay there. DH has worked for 2 different companies that paid for side trips when we were vacationing in the UK, so he could visit their sites in Scotland. Happily paid for transportation, hotel and food. It was a deal for them since we'd paid the airfare to the UK. We may try to work out the same arrangement when we go to Australia.

Then again, the OP's DH may work for a company that is just itching to fire people. It is a good idea to ask.

 

[NHdisneylover]

1. A person could get fired for doing that little expense trick you mentioned.
2. A person could get fired for bringing the family along on a business trip.
3. A person could get fired just because these days.
4. Yesterday might have been all fine and dandy, but today the company might have made it sound like someone's getting fired.

It sounds to me like your DH might be facing some financial fears or realizations that you might want to discuss with him. The reactions sound like you triggered a stress point. Take some time to think about it from both sides then ask him to sit down and talk about it calmly.

You can give your kids great local vacations without spending a lot of money or going to WDW. The memories are what you make of them, not where you make them.

Trust me, spend time with your kids, save the money, ensure your future and theirs. They will appreciate that way more as they grow older.

Yep--more and more companies are cracking down on families tagging along on trips. We have done it many MANY times (my husband is on the road 80% of the time) but never EVER if he feels that there is the slightest chance that it will be viewed negatively by his company and ONLY if he stays in the exact same lodging he would otherwise stay in and gets there the exact same way (so, for example, a rental house would absolutely be out and I am not sure how a company paying half the mileage works--for DH it has always been if he needs to drive they pay 100% or if he flies they 100% of HIS flight, but he does not get to choose which one he does-it is a matter of cost and locals.
Oh, and when we do tag along HE is not getting ANY vacation out of it--he is getting to see his family in the evenings for dinner (we only go with him if it is not a trip where he would be having business dinners).

Anyway, in the current climate we have seen many people who were trying to get a little more out of a business trip than just business (like staying an extra day or driving when flying made more sense so that they could take their family along, etc) get reprimanded or even fired. We have also seen many convention trips cut out entirely.

It sounds like your husband had a knee jerk reaction and did not really explain WHATEVER it is that is bothering him well--but it also sound like you jumped the gun a bit by starting off showing him price comparisons rather than starting off with the simple question of can we/should we go this year?

 

[Pineapple Whip]

With regard to both PP's:

The reason has to do with liability and insurance, or your boss just being a hole. Usually it is the latter, but if there is a company policy, it's usually the former.

If there is a finite beginning and end to your "business trip" then that is where the risk ends, with that one employee. It sounds like common sense that only the employee would be covered for any damages, but lawyers have found ways to sue for anything these days.

Let's say you flew down for your trip, your wife tagged along at your expense, you have a business dinner that night, nice boss knows your wife is there, nice boss tells you to bring her along for dinner, meteor hits the restaurant, wife and nice boss survive, wife sues for husband's death during business and her injuries, nice boss testifies that he invited her along... company takes an added hit.

Mileage costs more than airfare + chance of employee death or injury increased 10 fold.

It does vary from company to company, but more and more are catching on. The employee that is less risky and less costly tends to keep his job when layoffs come around.

I survived layoffs of about 200 people in a few rounds. I was an angry underpaid, disgruntled, bitter SOB who didn't even care to do his job anymore. When the question from the former boss came "how did you survive and not I?" I replied:

"What didn't you hear all these years dipspit? I'm underpaid and competent, you're overpaid and a moron who can't even figure this out."

All this as I was trying to volunteer for the layoff package since I was leaving soon anyway. Unfortunately they knew I was a bargain.

 

[ancestry]

Sorry your husband had this kind of reaction.

It sounds to me like there is a bigger issue here.

My first thought was that maybe your husband simply doesn't want all of you to tag along with him on a work trip. My husband travels sometimes as well and sometimes he uses those trips as his break from the craziness that is our household. I'm okay with that because I do the same thing when I travel. Maybe he doesn't want the stress and anxiety that goes with having the whole family along on a required work trip. Men often don't know how to tell us those things because we usually don't receive them well.

Of course this issue could simply be about money. Maybe he feels that you two aren't on the same page about your future and your finances. Maybe there is something else going on financially that you two need to talk about.

I tend to be a more middle of the road person when it comes to money. Yes, it is important to save and to have goals but it is also important to live. My mother was a penny pincher and never did anything her entire life but save, save, save. While I respect her commitment I refuse to live like that. I strive for balance. Financial security is important but so are memories with the family and enjoying one's life. Fortunately my husband respects and understands that about me.

 

[eeyorethegreat]

It sounds like there is more going on here than him just not wanting to go on vacation. I think there are some bigger issues financially that either you are not aware of or you are not as concerned with as he is. When you are both calm enough to talk sit down and discuss this allowing each of you to voice your concerns with out interupting or getting angry. Then work through the issues involved.

 

[dbmarie]

I have to agree it sounds like there are some deeper issues in your marriage.

 

[TnTWalter]

Sounds like you need to get on the same page for your financial future. Get goals lined up etc.

The number one cause of divorce is money fights. NOt that you're headed that way by any means. It just is a typical problem. You are not alone.

And I totally relate. I am always planning vacations and driving DH crazy. Not necessarily to WDW. But I love to plan. It's taken DH awhile to figure out that it doesn't mean we're booking....I am sure your husband is taking your research as you expect to go and because of his financial goals, it's causing him stress.

Have a sit down and go over the finances. Your goals and his goals [house, vacation, debt, etc.] and figure out how you're going to achieve those goals.

If you can't do it alone, go to the library or bookstore and look at the financial section. I am a Dave Ramsey fan and it has helped us align our goals and budget for those goals. Total Money Makeover and Financial Peace are his books.

I am of the camp that WDW is not necessary every year [sacrilege]. My kids love going to Lake Michigan or camping and boating or a beach, whatever. You can rent a place on vrbo just about anywhere for very reasonable and just hang out together.

Big hugs to you. It's hard to be on different pages with the hubs.

Trish

 

[ssawka]

How often does DH go away on business trips? What was his reaction when you went last time? As PPs have said, there could be company/ job security issues that he might be concerned about. If he dosen't get away that often, he may just be interested in going on this trip alone. Not necessarily to do anything dishonest, but sometimes a person just likes to get away by themselves to clear their mind. This is especially true if they don't get away very often. He may also not like the idea of you and the kids having fun while he works everyday. Also, do you work outside the home? There is nothing wrong with not working outside the home, but if you don't, he may feel jealous. He may feel that he's working his @$$ off to pay down the debt, and now you want to go out and spend "his" hard earned money. (please don't flame me, "his" refers to what he might be thinking, not my feelings on the subject) I know that before DW went back to work and we were less financially secure then we are now, I used to have those feelings. I know that these are all selfish reasons, but everyone deserves to be selfish once in a while.

If he is really adamant about saving money and/or not bringing you on the trip, can you do something smaller with the kids while he is away? I disagree about not "needing" a vacation. I think everyone "needs" some kind of vacation, even if it's just for a few days and you go somewhere a couple hours away. Vacations are good for your mental health!

I wish you luck in trying to convince him, but if you can't, listen to his reasoning, speak your mind, and let it go. It is not worth having a major fight over or carrying a grudge.

 

[Michelle and crew]

It sounds like you needed to ask him what he though about the idea before you made your plans. Kids don't stay young forever, but maybe he wants to do other things with them and for them than just go to a theme park. Have you asked him? You are allocating vacation money without being a team player.

 

[Kay1]

If you and he were just looking at Windsor Hills condos, it sounds like he was onboard for this sort of vacation. Maybe he just flipped when he saw the ticket prices. One solution to your problem might be sitting down with your husband and deciding on a set amount of money to be spent next June. Then, you could be creative as you want within that budget, and he can relax knowing you'll stick to the agreed upon amount.

That way you'll both get what you want. Taking the kids without him would make things worse for everyone.

Good luck and I hope things work out well for you and your family.

 

[ajk912]

I would definitely take his lead. For whatever reason, he does not want the family on this business trip. Since it's his business trip, you really shouldn't argue. I imagine it has to be very stressful working and then trying to keep your family happy, when everyone is out of their comfort zone. Then you run into, what should you do if everyone is going out to do X after the day wraps up, and you feel like you should go because it looks good, but what about your family who has been holing up all day waiting for you?

Since he sounds uneasy, I would just let it go. It would be totally different if he invited you, but I don't think it's a good idea to invite yourself on his business trip and then be upset when he doesn't agree with the self-inviting.

From a Disney standpoint, I TOTALLY agree how it stinks to be sooooooooooooo close but not be able to make it happen though!!!

 

[cm8]

sounds like your husband does not wish to go with his family.....Especially since you stated that he is all over you when it comes to moving and not moving. I think like pp's have said there is more going on then he is letting onto. I think you need to find out what before it gets worst

 

[aprilfoolwed]

Thanks for the replies. I still don't understand what really got him so mad last night, and I plan on talking to him last night.

It's frustrating because we have been talking about considering this trip IF OUR DEBT IS PAID OFF for some time. We actually started talking about it two years ago when it was annouced that his trip would be in Orlando again in 2010. His employer is actually very encouraging for us taking a family vacation along with his trip, so that's not the issue.

My only thought is that DH is feeling down about his job right now. Because of the economy, he's not seen any increases in quite some time. I know, he's lucky to have a job - and we are thankful that he has a good, steady job. But a few months ago, DH was talking to his brother and some friends, and they are all invery different situations - they all make really good money and can afford lots of things that we can't. It's not that DH is jealous of them - he's glad they are in good situations, but he admited to feeling like a bit of a failure because he can't provide more for his family.

We've been talking about moving for a few years, and it just isn't feasable with our income. We have great credit scores and excellent equity in our home, but we just can't qualify for a bigger mortgage unless we have more income.

I am back in school to complete my teaching certification so that I can go back to work when all the kids are in school. It will be nearly 5 years before I can get a job (can only take 2 classes a semester - no summer classes). I work a very part-time job which only really brings in spending money. I think my DH just hates the fact that he can't provide the things he wants to for the family.

In our arguement last night, he kept saying we should take the $3000 we'd spend on a vacation and put it away for a new house. I told him that $3000 really won't make a difference in terms of affording a new house, so I would rather let the kids have some fun while we're still living in the current house.

I think we need to just sit and talk. My DH doesn't fly off the handle too much, so something is going through his mind.

But we do disagree A LOT on the value of family vacations. His family only went on vacation 3 times when he was a child (Disneyland, Grand Canyon, a local beach) - and NOT because they couldn't afford it. They just dodn't do vacations. On the other hand, MY family vacationed every year. Often it was to Disney - or Orlando attractions. But other times we'd just go to Washington DC and enjoy the free monuments and museums, or go to the beach, or explore a city within a few hours of our home. But we always did something - and those are huge memories for me and my family.

BTW - in discussing a possible ORlando vacation for this summer, we've talked about inviting HIS parents with us for the week too. So we've really spent time thinking about this - it's not just my idea by any means.

Hopefully I'll have a better idea of what's going on tonight. I was just really frustrated by his reaction last night and needed to vent.

 

[rockundergirl]

I am so frustrated with my DH tonight.

He has a convention in Orlando in June. when he had the same convention 2 years ago, we piggybacked on his trip and spent the week in Disney. We stayed off-site, split the house cost with my parents, bought the cheapest Disney tickets I could find (through Conventionears), ate 2 meals at the house etc - and had a fantastic vacation. Because he was traveling for work, a good portion of his mileage, food, lodging were covered by his employer - so it's like we got a vacation rebate when we got home. It's certainly the most budget way to vacation that I know of!

we spent one day at MK this past summer via the Give A Day program. Again - fantastic day. Kids were so happy to go back to WDW - DD said she felt like she was going home.

Back to next June... we have said several times that it really makes sense to go to Orlando when he has his convention, because we end up having half our mileage and lodging paid for by his work. SO I spent some time calculating ticket prices for not just WDW, but also Universal and Sea World. I haven't been to either of those parks for years, and DH & kids never have. I made a nice little chart and show it to DH - and he freaks out on me.

We have a tiny bit of credit card debt right now - which we have been making good progress on paying off - and I have told DH several times that I will NOT plan a vacation unless said debt is paid off AND we have cash to cover a vacation. That's been made clear. So these ticket prices come with the assumption that we'd have cash to pay for them and no debt.

He was still so mad. He starts telling me that we should be skipping vacations and socking away the money for a new house (which, I must add, I have wanted for some time, but every time we talk about houses he tells me to be happy where we are and that a new house isn't an option for quite some time).

He proceeds to tell me we are spoiling our kids rotten, and that no one needs to go to WDW every year (I 100% disagree with that statement, but I never said we're going to WDW this year - we've actually talked more about Sea World). I tell him that there is no way that we can afford to move - vacation or no vacation - for at least 7-10 more years, and in that time I want to provide the kids with some great memories of family vacations. He starts going on about how HIS family never saw the need to take vacations all the time, so there is no reason we need to.

We certainly don't NEED to, but our kids are young for such a short amount of time and I like to create these family memories together.

I am so frustrated right now! Two weeks ago, we were looking at townhomes in Windsor Palms and saying how nice it would be to go back there. Now all of the sudden it's a problem.

I told him that I put together these ticket prices because I didn't know what the other parks cost, and I was curious. Never did I say WDW was better, or that is what we should do. He stormed away saying "I know exactly what you mean by that" HUH????

I am ready to tell him that I'll take the kids and go myself at this point!

I hate to put this on the table, but is thr any chance he just doesn't want his family with him at his convention...? I know any trade shows/conventions I go to for work, thr is a over all theme of "vacation from the wives". The guys use the time to do strip clubs and drinking etc.. and having the fam with them is something that would get in the way of that.. Kwim? I could be really wrong that's just what popped into my head.

 

[kkmcan]

I think you guys should make a plan on how to get the downpayment for your house. Maybe he feels like you'll never get there. Yes, $3000 will matter! You are on your way towards the downpayment right there. Make a plan that involves how much saving you'll do and how much spending you will do.

I am a middle of the road person too. We do a tremendous amount of saving but we also travel a lot. Traveling is super important to me (not just to Disney parks either). My kids have been to many other citites in the U.S.

Our families didn't vacation as often as we do when I was growing up but times are different now. Priorities are different now. I will always be glad we vacationed when my kids were little. They will remember those times but owning a house is also a top priority for us too.

Make a plan/compromise and work towards that together.